I used to think it was important to save relationships with people
who I knew deep in my soul were no longer meant to be in my life.
It's harder when its a family member but I would rather be surrounded
by people who love me so much it's hard for me to comprehend
than force myself to be around people who truly dont care about me at all.
When you love yourself and respect yourself,
I mean truly love and respect yourself, you will have no problem
cutting ties with people who no longer help you grow as a person.
Is it painful?
Yes. It's a heartbreak.
Is is lonely?
Yes. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable.
Does it make room for people who will love you in a healthy way
and present opportunities for you to shine
and take you on adventures too magical for the mind to understand?
Yes. With every loss comes a gain you never expected.
Will it happen overnight? No.
So what do you do? You grieve, you feel, you cry, you get angry,
you fall apart and you embrace being uncomfortable for a little while.
Then one day you realize you have the opportunity to start over,
to rebuild, to rediscover yourself and before you know it you're smiling again.
You're creating art, you're dancing in the rain and laughing so hard it hurts.
You look at yourself in the mirror
and think "wow! What was supposed to break me didn't and I feel good."
Sometimes making the choice to let go of someone toxic
is the best thing you can do for yourself.
It's never easy but its extremely rewarding in the end.
I promise you that.

Vader the black nosed pitbull
had a very lovely smile
and if you ever saw him
you would stare for quite awhile
All of the other pitbulls
laughed at him because of his size
they wanted nothing to do with him
but boy were they in for a surprise
Then one day in Bullhead City
a man gave Vader a home
They left the pound with joy in their hearts
and now Vader was no longer alone
Now Vader has a family
and they're all filled with glee
Vader the black nosed pitbull
is the best dog in history

Suicide
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfish  
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
and I FIGHT
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no

I called him around midnight asking him to come over
I said "I don't mean to bother you but I'm feeling blue and
we don't need to have *** but I need some kind of human touch
before I go insane"
He didn't hesitate and he was at my door by 12:15 am
I opened that door so quick I thought I was losing it
I wrapped my arms around him and he held me tight
I took in his scent and closed my eyes
and as his hands gently caressed my back
I felt all of my anxiety melt away
I didn't want him to let go of me
I wanted him to stay
We laid on my bed our legs intertwined as we were face to face
I was in my underwear and t-shirt
he was in his jeans but I could feel that he wanted me
I asked him "do you want to have *** with me?"
He put his left hand on my face and said
"I won't lie
I absolutely want to have *** with you right now
but that's not all I want
I want to wake up and make you coffee as you sleep in
but it's my bed I want you to wake up in every morning
I want to walk on the beach like we sometimes do as the sun sets
but I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you how beautiful
I think you look when the wind forces your hair to be out of your face
I want to argue with you when you're being irrational
and when you tell me to leave I'll say no because I don't run away
from what I truly want even when things get difficult
I want to kiss you in the rain
and hold you in my arms while we watch movies on the couch
I want to be able to tell you each and every day how incredible
I think you are even though you don't think so
and one day I'd like to give you my last name so I can spend
the rest of my life making you laugh and smile
If I can't have any of that with you
then I don't want to have *** with you"
I looked at him then kissed him on the lips at 4:05 am
it felt like the most natural thing in the world
I didn't feel scared, doubtful or insecure
I felt safe, confident and in love
I turned over and put his arm around my waist
I told him how I liked my coffee
and as he snuggled closer to me
I could feel the smile on his face