so far there has been
no greater pain
than having my mother
look at me with disgust

to have her
strip me of my humanity;
of my dignity

all because of her own issues
all because of her own feelings
all because dad’s dead
all because sister dear wants to die
all because there’s no money
all because i have an opinion
all because i want a voice

i just want
for one moment
my mother to be proud of me
to look at me and be genuinely kind
to talk to me with the same respect she expects me to have for her

but how can respect be reciprocated in a toxic environment?
respect has to be earned.
she thinks i have not yet and will not
earn that respect
maybe she’s right.
maybe **** her.
i don’t really care anymore

this is the relearning,
or maybe it is the learning.

i am learning how to love.
i am learning how to enjoy life.
i am learning how to respect life (and not in the annoying christian way)
i am learning
how to live without hating myself
and i know it’s going to be hard

but i know that i have the

willpower

to carry on.

remember:
there is so much more to come.

there are so many people
sitting
waiting
hoping to find you

you have not yet reached that place
that place in your life you've been looking for
but someday you will

that person you are waiting for is coming
no, not the one from your past,
who haunts you and wishes they could hear you laugh again,
or who tore you from inside-out,
or the one who you wish would just say hello,

but someone else
that person you are waiting and wishing for is on their way
for now
it is okay to be lonely.

you always have
yourself

how is it
that they still don't understand
that we already *******
KnOw
how to use Excel

we already *******
KnOw
how to pay the bills

we already *******
KnOw

and they're either too **** stupid to realize
that
we don't need coddling or saving

or

they're afraid to let us go
they're afraid of losing their investments
they're afraid of losing their power
they're afraid to let us live

isn't it amazing
how one day you are just going to get up
and never look back

never looking back,
hand in hand with someone who is never
going to leave,
without so much as a trace
of the misunderstandings and hardships of your past

is that too much to believe?
am i being unrealistic?
am i no longer an optimist,
but a dreamer
stuck in fantasies that may never happen

i have to go on
believing that, though
otherwise,
i'm not sure how i'll continue life

i know
after hours sitting at the table
discussing the soul and the afterlife and
/our true destiny/ with my drunk aunties

that there has to be something
i know of my own self-worth
but there is more

i know now
how to live for myself
and now
i can love someone else

but

how's that going for me?

i'm not entirely sure
when i'm going to get up
i'm not entirely sure
when i'm going to take someone's hand
and walk,
carefree to whatever it is that is waiting for us

i'm not sure,
but a girl can dream, right?
isn't that the one thing i cAn do?

i sure hope so.

there will never be a time
you are not
the Fat Sister

there will never be a time
you are not
less than

there will never be a time
you are not
disappointing your family

no matter how
your grades look
or
how much money you make

it will never be enough
you will never be enough

even if you are
taller than the redwoods
with
karli kloss's body and jennifer lopez's ***

you will never
be enough

even if you are
the president
of the ******* united states

you will never
be enough

you are always going to be
that Fat Sister

they love you almost as much
as the other two
but still less than,

less than and they make sure you know that

they make sure you know
as if maybe
if they love you less
it will be your motivation to lose weight

it will be your motivation to be what they want you to be,
what they have expected you to be since birth

but what grandma and mom and sister and auntie and everyone at the ******* dinner table don't know
is that with a little bit of perseverance and goodwill
anyone is beautiful

what everyone in front of the ******* tv don't know
is that you were never the Fat Sister

but you sure as hell had a fat heart

i don't know yet
what is going to happen next
but right now
i would really love it
if someone would hold my hand

i would really love it
if someone would
- i daresay -
'complete' me

i cringe at that
and yet
i am finally at a place
where i do not hate everything
about myself

i am finally at a place where
i do not look in the mirror
and cry

i don't know
where i go from this place
but it would be great
if i could move forward
beside someone who cares