Don’t judge me for my mistakes or actions.
I am still trying to absorb all the knowledge and wisdom I can.
I’m not perfect, nor do I care. I crushed others feeling, lied, manipulated, deceived and disappointed others.
I am young, stupid, and reckless.
I want it all. I want the attention and recognition. I would do anything to get it. I will **** my way up to the top if I have to.
I’ll keep marching on like a broken robot. I’ll be fake until I make it. I’ll follow these rules to get what I want. I will stab others in the back to get ahead.
In the end of day no one will be there by your side. Get ahead and don’t look behind. No one matters and deep down no really cares.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you continue to talk about me.

Your a true friend?
Yet, your only there when it’s convenient.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you never once seem to be around when I need you.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you put no effort to reach out to me.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you can’t be honest with me.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you only use me to get a head.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you never once ask me if I’m alright.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you ignore my messages.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you always cancel on me to hangout with someone else.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you can never apologize for your mistakes.

Your a true friend?
Yet, you continue to let me down.

Your a true friend to someone else and no longer gave me a space in your new life. I’ve been replaced. You were a true friend, but that was a long time ago.

It’s seems like it’s been along time since we last  spoke. Things ended without an explanation and nothing to say. You walked out, and I never heard from you since. I wasn’t ready to say good bye to you. I am with someone else, I haven’t thought of you until I seen a photo of you recently. I don’t think the guy I am with can fill the empty void that you left behind. I would be lying to myself if I said I loved him. I know that is not true because part of me still thinks of you. I haven’t felt complete since you left. I want to leave you in the past, but I don’t have an explanation it’s like you just despaired from my life.

Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative selfish, patronizing, and demanding.
I feel that I am entitled. I need to be the center of attention and recognition needs to be handed to me. Admiration is a most.
I have these implosives that urge me to think, that I deserve more than what I get. I am irrational and over dramatic.
I don’t want to hear it, if it’s not positive or benefits me. I hate hearing the truth and facts,because I hate being in the wrong.
I don’t own up to my own mistakes because I believe, I did nothing wrong. I don’t know why I think this way. I can’t control this way of thinking. It consumes me, and I become this horrible human being. I’m not usually like this, but my state of mind takes over to a narcissistic state of mind.

24th!!!
I wasn’t nomb; I was hurt, upset, and disappointed. These people aren’t strangers they are my friends and family.  I spent my most of my life having the best and worst moments with these people. I never truly realized how forgettable or unimportant I was. It took 24 years to get the hint, I was never special. I’m given it my all to be there for them thick or thin and non of that even matters. My best friend ditched me for his new so called friend. My other friend ditch me for a wine tasting at the race tracks. The rest forgot or didn’t want to come to my so called birthday celebration. The one and only person that gave a **** was someone who I hardly talk to. *******, *******, *******, and **** everyone. This is what 24 feels like nothing but loneliness and fakers. I wish for the pain to stop and for a me to stop given a ****.

You are much older than me. It started off casual, then it lead to something that we couldn’t control. I played the game I did everything you asked of me. All these rules, and you still seem to win. I kept this a secret. I knew it was mistake, but I couldn’t resist. You might have feeling for me, but I know I’m not the only one. You treat me like I don’t exist outside of the bed room. We go our separate paths, and it’s clear that I’m the *****. I am not perfect, I am to blame for this affair. I carry this pressure of guilt and regret. Look what I’ve become. I am not anyone special just the girl you ****. I lay in bed hoping for something better, but instead I’m feeling numb.

I am so happy for them, but at the same time I am deeply sad, that I don’t have what they have which is true love. In a perfect world me and you could of made it work, he was kind, independent, generous, forgiving and had a sense of humor that made me laugh. If I was still with you. I would have never met him. Maybe I would have never kissed him. Maybe I would have never slept with him, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten attached to him. Maybe I would of been happy with you. Instead I am setting here without a date in a table full of people who aren’t even my true friends, drinking a margarita pretending, that I am having fun. I have to see the guy that broke my heart dancing with the maid of honor laughing and enjoying the night. I want to run away far from this place. I am hopeless in love with that guy on the dance floor. Our relationship meant more to me than it did to him. Do you remember that one night you spend the night, and told me about our future? You said that one day we will move away from here and live in Seattle. We make it work cause love conquers all. You said that we will one day have our own story that people will wish to have. Instead you left and broke that promise. I never seen you since. Now I set here in a room full of people, and I feel completely alone. I wish you were here. I wish you could ask me to dance. So I can lean into you as you grab my waist and hold me tight. I want to gaze into your eyes and only think of us. The world is still spinning except your no long a part of my life. I am still sitting alone. He hasn’t acknowledged my presence. We haven’t spoken a word the whole night. It’s clear he has moved on. I left the wedding alone, but it’s okay. I need to move on without him or you. The chapter has ended in this book, but a new chapter is awaiting, maybe with a happy ending. I still think of you, but maybe I shouldn’t. I can’t seem to be that girl who used to be happy. I drown my mind with endless thoughts that don’t have an answer to. I can’t think about what could of been, what I did wrong, or what changed. Love isn’t always forever, but if it true love it will last forever and always.

Dear Kevin,

You were my first friend who later became my best friend. I could tell you everything all my biggest secrets to all my little secrets to anything in between. You could see me for who I really was, and not judge me. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone to make you like me. I was simply myself and nothing more. We could talk on the phones for hours. I always knew you would pick up, and reply to my messages even if it wasn’t urgent. You knew me at my best and even my worst. We use to want to hangout together and be reckless. Do you remember when we use to have wine night together? We even got drunk together, and spent the night laughing  and crying about our stupid lives. I couldn’t imagine having a better best friend. I wouldn’t trade you for the world. So why would you trade me?

Sincerely,

Maddy