muteD

Oct 2016

Madalyn

A word often synonymous with depression. Are those lonely, depressed? Or are those depressed, lonely? It's the classic which came first? the chicken or egg question. Am I depressed because I'm lonely? Or am I lonely because I'm depressed?

#love #sad #life #lonely #depressed #loss

muteD Oct 2016

Depression Put In Words

Shattered. Broken. Crushed.
no. please no, not again.
Asphyxiate. Strangle. Smother.
the pain.. please just make it stop. please.
Pierce. Penetrate. Plunge.
why aren't you listening to me? why won't you help me? WHY DON'T YOU CARE?!
Agony. Affliction. Torture.
**** me. just **** me. end it all please.
Silence. Paradise. Sleep.
I'm not afraid of *death. but is death afraid of me?

To me, this is how depression feels when it gets stronger and harder to handle and harder pretend as if it isn't there.

muteD Sep 2016

What is life?

What is life?
And what makes us alive?
The way we talk? The way we say our ABC's? The way we take insults with a closed mouth? The way we cry when we're hurt, and scream when we're upset? The way we eat, and then cleanse ourselves of the weight, the *solidness? The way we turn to our razors for companionship? Or how about the way we lie in our mommas bed (for those of us who have one) and tell her all about our problems?
Is it the way we spend thousands of hours worrying about that guy who's not even thinking about us? The way we pretend to smile when we'd rather cry? The way we trust with no doubt the people who call themselves our "parents"? The way our blood dances through our body? The way our heart beats when we wish it'd just st-st-stop? The way we blink back our tears? The way the words get stuck in our throats when we get nervous? The way we breathe *in and out, in and out, in and out?
Who has the ability to decide whether we are truly alive or not?
**What is life?
And what makes us alive?

Finally finished revising this today☺ I can honestly say that I've never been more proud. I have never written anything quite like this.

muteD Aug 2016

My Plea

Give me your hand,
Lemme guide you into my twisted mind.
Lend me your ears,
Lemme scream to you my pain.
Provide me your eyes,
Lemme show you the darkness.
Sell me your trust,
and I'll give you mine.
Grant me the gift of forgiveness,
Lemme forgive myself.
Give me the strength to survive,
The will to carry on,
and the heart to care.
**As I pray to a God I may or may not believe in.

The last sentence is a story for another day.

muteD Aug 2016

Stuck

Locked in a room.
No windows,
No doors,
No lights,
No escape.
Just darknees. Black EVERYWHERE.
Walls...
Why are there so many walls?!
Of words.
In a language I don't recognize.
I'm stuck in a room..
Stuck in a language I do not know.

muteD Apr 2016

Wait To Be Jealous

He says he's jealous of me.

Because I have a new family.
Because I have new friends.
Because I finally have my life together.
Do you understand?!
Me. He's jealous of ME.
HA. Funny.

He's jealous of:
The girl who has lost *everyone and everything.
The girl who got kicked out of her house because she likes guys *AND girls.
The girl who was forced to go to a church, who brainwashed her into thinking she was a disgrace.
The girl who suffered from mental and emotional abuse for 4 YEARS.
The girl who turned to scissors, and razors for companionship.
The girl who was lied to, again and again.
The girl who lost her grandma, then two months later lost her sister.
The girl who hates her reflection, because she isn't proud of who she is.
The girl with self-image, self-confidence, and self-esteem problems.
The girl who can't see her brothers, the ones that are keeping her going, her anchors.

I've lost EVERYTHING.
Everything I have now, I earned.
I worked for what I have.
And I'll continue striving for my goals.
Graduation. College. My mom.
My brothers.

So, no. Don't be jealous of me.
Don't speak of what you don't know.
If you want to be jealous of me, wait.
Wait until I have everyone and everything I need.
When I am truly happy,
then you can be jealous.
*Be jealous until your heart's content.

This is just the conversation I had the other day with this guy who says he is my best friend, but doesn't know nothing about me.

muteD Apr 2016

One Day

What is this life?
Please, tell me what it is.
They tell me to believe,
but I don't know how.
How do I believe?
In what, shall I believe?
In myself?
What a joke.
Because to be honest,
I am a failure, who can't do anything right.
Which is what they say, anyway.
But, it's okay.
Because I'll get myself right one day.
*One day soon.
Sooner than you think.