life is a paradox
trying to understand it seems like a projection of my subconscious
since i am the universe, i am a paradox
**** the narrator
existence only promises pain, joy. and pleasure
we are here for no amount of time
but we are always on time
this train im on is suffocating
but its reassuring that im headed in the right direction
we are in all this together
but all you have is yourself
evolution and revolution is destined

keep going

i say i quit feeling that way
astrayed, ported, exploited
by bequeathing my soul to you
I wish I didn't venture in the episodes I fabricated with you
cease the ingeminating
terminate the reincarnating
on a connection that has no foundation
by now i shouldve been about to tell
its the season for new love, so don't panic
im a lost soul and he's a hopeless romantic
though i know time dont exist
we'll function through this third dimension
though ignorance is bliss

I think my muse is breaking my heart all the time
It's a never ending battle between lust and love
I am not seen as the aesthetically pleasing rose that grew from the concrete
More as an opportunity that was taken for granted and when realized, too late
The more cautious one is of protecting the heart the farther we grow apart
The more carefree and wild I run with my love, the more comatose love seems
I love to love
I love to be in love
But i hate what love brings in the end
The only thing promised in life is death, and it's almost as if love has that same elucidation
I’m a fool for love that's never been loved properly
Settling for less, receiving disrespect, and being treated as someone’s property
Baby girl is tired of giving out love
Baby girl is tired of being the entertainment for the god of love
Baby girl wants love and to be in love
Baby girl is tired of being strong and having to be the only person who loves herself
Baby wants to find a home in someone
she wants something more in depth than what the eyes can see
What the mouth can taste
What the hands can feel
What the mind has been taught
She wants something real, but what can make it real enough?
I am asking for too much?

im starting to think i passed my limit
my mind frantically panics for the next adventure
is it addiction? is it filling a void? is it for spiritual ascension?
no matter what it is, this isn't what i expected life to be
i apprehend that words cast spells and i wish i was more wiser back then
but life has a way of teaching you its lessons
are my problems really my problems if we're all one?
"the past is rich. but the here and now is better"
wherever this mantra decides to take me this year
i hope its a place that silences my endlessly racing thoughts
a place that heals my damaged ego
a place that uplifts my higher self
a place that nurtures my heart
a place that fills my body
a place that enlightens my temple
a place that admires my inner child
a place thats home
im still getting all my thoughts and feelings together
its a lot when you finally stop thinking about everyone else
and give yourself the attention you've been in search for your whole life that you avoided knowingly
i don't understand why i can't be available to you right now
but just know that i love you
and if there is a time that you may seem to question it
just understand that
-

It takes 21 days to break a habit
Why is that no matter how much of
My time
My effort
I put into it
I can’t get rid of my addiction
It's not deadly
But i’d do anything to numb this pain
All this caused from something that beats behind my rib cage

i just want my lover
i try not to need anyone but i do
im tired of searching for him in them
but i dont have any face for him
so what am i looking for
alchemy
lets give up something for the exchange of paradise
maybe if i confirm my affirmation it might come
i hate that i make myself feel like im not worthy of love
and i am
but im not working for it because thats not my purpose
i want you to
just
reveal yourself

i cant get close enough
im finally scared to love
the other night it got to me
that i' had an epiphany
its sad to see demons with different faces
im trying to change and
i dont want to be alone

im considering
changing my life for you
i think its because i dont know what to do
if i aint have you
but heres the truth
i can go a million years without you
but you match my flame
you make me go insane
but thats the joy
i need to recieve
to feel alive baby
i want more
more of what
to feel in touch
im tired of feeling like
no one gets me
is it a projection of the insanity
that i made up baby

im feeling changes changes changes going round
changing  changing changing me now
blue
green
red
yellow
but all i see is black and white
perspective is reality
and reality is clear with you by my side

soon everything will be alright
let me illuminate the way for you
to know the truth
that this **** is all mental
and you cant really let yourself go
silence is my best friend
its my loudest roar
its me crying out for help
i need a little more of your
comfort
i dont want you to know my deepest desires
this is my style
i need you around for a while

but the changes in this time of year
are clearing the way for you to be here
so i'll be patient for you to gravitate to me
and hopefully you will love me
im trying to change the way i see things
im trying to get my heart to believe in something

im feeling changes changes changes going round
changing  changing changing me now
blue
green
red
yellow
but all i see is black and white
perspective is reality
and reality is clear with you by my side

its been a while since I've last spoken
within the last 9 months of 2020
I've been betrayed, lied to, and heart broken
how ironic for a heart to keep breaking
after already being damaged
its when false hope makes you believe you've been bandaged
ace of cups is what my future sees
new beginnings aren't meant to not be scary
can't dwell on a past that can't be adjusted
have to put faith into unknown, and trust it

changes in septemeber

follow the system
follow the system
follow the system
a butterfly actually landed on me at my first day of employment at a new job
i know they symbolize change
that had actually been on my bucket list
and the other day when mediating and creating art in central park in the night, a dog, sat in front of me willingly
it seems as though im one with nature
and i am
i felt myself finding myself
but i feel like im back at square one but in a new world
i cant go back to who i once was
i will never know that place again
but this feeling
feeling at the bottom
will never be missed because it is always to come
follow the system
but which one?
the one i believe in, the one i imagine is for me, or the one that i see?
life is strange and confusing
is it the purgatory?
that sounds insane
but we must go crazy to survive
and all i want from this whole experience is to
feel alive
and just like im picky about eating food because i eat with my eyes
im picky about how i want to experience life
and my stubborn childlike ego gets the best of me
its confusing to think i can get what i want if i put my mind to it
but my fate is already written for me
paradoxical?
oxymoron?

and i still wait for someone
its fun having fun for the moment
but its all gone in a blink of an eye
the universe knows i long for long term
but thrusts its rapid force of change in front of me
i have no choice but to accept and enjoy what is presented to me
appreciate what i've been gifted to experience
pain, joy, pleasure
joy, pleasure, pain
pleasure, pain, joy
its all the same ****
but i still wait for someone
knowing i can see that aspect of my life as clear as water
that in the near future no soul on this earth is for me
and maybe in the next life
i shall meet you

i shall see
but until then
i still wait for someone

dont say im confusing
when the ones whos always choosing
where we go from here
i dont really
put my energy into things
in the physical humans things we crave
cause in the end where we dont really end
and all this goes away
and all we have is ourselves
to get us out of this prison
that we created for ourself

i think
i dont belong here
my mind
always
wanders elsewhere
i just want to feel alive,
feel like i matter to those around me
im tired of the temporary
oh yeah
people come and go
seasons always changing
feelings are fading
and mind is always feeling jaded
i, i try to make you realize
i want to get out of this loop
why am i always daydreaming
of better life with you
i hate that im on this journey on my own
i hate being alone
so ima daydream about the times of love
cause this present really *****
we lack real depth and emotion
people always hiding who they really are
we're souls who have been scarred
from the past we once known
i think we just want to find our home
daydream, so you dont lose yourself
but dont hurt yourself
because reality aint as fine as it seems
so
just day dream
of a better life, things will be alright
just day dream
everything will be just fine, in time
but we dont really have time

smoking all this **** to awaken the thoughts
i have deep down
that only roar so angrily in my head
and makes me crave you more to be here with me
abandonment makes you feel alive doesnt it?
im going to stop calling out for you
im forcing these wants on you that you never intended to make feel whole
my humanely unnecessary needs get the best of me at times
and i keep forgetting that none of this matters
and that maybe right now you arent meant to be on my journey
i seek answers from the universe to guide me to you and the forces just neglect
neglect?
protect?
protect me from going down the same path because i still havent cracked the code
the code that love may be something i wont receive and i have to be okay with being alone
not alone?
i am a butterfly, and i move freely and so beautifully as an lone
though i have not met the key holder yet i pray that you are well and you get to me in the most imperfectly perfect condition
i am okay
i love me
i love you
farewell

i dream of better life for myself
but i dont know if i can go any longer
mama why dont love me
i thought i was enough for you
but it seems like i cant get **** from you
my thoughts have me up at night
am i good enough for the world?
am i good enough to be in your world?
the more i try
the more it shows me, that humanity
******* *****
and it ***** that i cant get ******* love
from the one who created me
so now im stuck
searching, searching, searching
for someone to call home,
i just wanted a home
why dont i belong

living in a dreamland so very far away
i need to come back to my madness
soon it wont be all sugar and gold
you made it known
this is for your entertainment
we couldve made arrangments
for you to flaunt your appreciation
maybe thats asking for to much
i was only in it to win your love
hes missing all his shots
why does he keep aiming for my heart
i hate being in a ******* loop
with the same **** cycle
**** always reminds me of -)
and i try not to listen to you
but your the only thing that i can mind
mind in this moment of time
that we dont have
anymore
cause it never belonged to us
like this love
that we claim we have and its so sad
cause this **** was never meant to last

life has been an ongoing lesson
that i refuse to move past
lately my dreams have been more vivid
and has altered my perspective on whats reality
we relish on our egos that only abuse the soul
into craving faulty desires that never fulfill our needs
oh sweet one
i tease my body and scar my mind
knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel
a wallflower that radiates love, warmth, and light
he will soon come
but so it is

ill be ill be
ill be ill be
someone who loves
someone who feels
someone who doesnt judge
somene who real
let me illumniate the way for you
to know the truth
that this **** is all mental
and you cant really let yourself go
silence is my best friend
its my loudest roar
its me crying out for help
i need a little more of your
comfort
i dont want you to know my deepest desires
this is my style
i need you around for a while

i really hate when **** starts gets bad again
cause i start coming up with more **** inside my head
why do i ask myself the same ****
why must i keep putting myself through this
i don't care that you're like the rest
its just sad that you don't really listen
im sorry for letting you in my head once again
these demons are getting to me
baby i just want to be free
free from the thoughts that graviate me more to you
i dont need you
but everything in my soul craves you
i just need your touch
i just want your touch
please come over
i dont know why i really do this to myself
even though you dont really show much
im happy for the time that we spent together
and the all moments i can hold onto forever
boy you are my paradise i want you here with me tonight

i think i killed myself one last time
trying to make you mine
its like im never gonna be ******* enough
to satisfy your love
having a good heart gets you somewhere you dont wanna be
i dont like that i have to **** with your head to get you to pay mind to me
why am i not enough
to satisfy your love
i thought i wouldve meant the world to you the way you made it seem so true
the grass isnt always greener on the other side
****, why you gotta be just like all these other guys
who just waste ******* time
coming out they *** with all these lies
not thinking of the consequences that they owe in time
in time i shall see
who really loves me
im sorry cupid boy, i just need a little joy
my spirits are mad at me
and i think they'll **** me one more time
if i attempt to make you mine

ive arrived
and now its time to shine
humble yourself
actions speak louder than words
silence your ego
he doesn't know any better
hes been in control for so long and so angry
thats hes forgotten about me
how to really love you and me
i still love you baby
but you've been hurt for so long
and im ready to heal you
theres no stopping me now
ive arrived

please dont judge me
i need all of you right now
im sorry that may sound selfish but im tired of being alone
we want the same but your on a different wave
than i am
i cant, get to you
without you reaching for me
why you gotta leave me lonely
the skys the limit
and your love dont go thar far
why are you making this hard
i know you know we had sparks the time we kissed
it was so ******* bliss
but i wish we never did it

i broke the rules today
the ones i created for myself
and what did that result in
a soul who is less scared of the demons that control this matrix
time doesn't exist so i feel like i have all the time in the world
to stop
and analyze things from a better perspective
this world moves fast for the man
but
we dont move ourselves
or for ourselves
everything is coming together
and she's ready to fly
i cant help but to be awake in this realm and the other
this is all a dream or reality
d r e a m s t a t e .  
mind. s p i r i t . soul.

i think im feeling you tonight
so baby come closer
so we get comfortable
relieve the tension
let your mind go
can we go on another trip without the drugs
i want something close to love
i know this aint love
so i aint getting my hopes up
i just need something in the depths of me
awaken my soul its ready to come out and play
boy you know i dont really have all day
im not sure if this is how i really feel
i only get these thoughts because of the double cup feel

I don’t have much to hold on to
That’s why i can’t let you go
You were the first thing in my life that brought me happiness
You kept me moving
You kept me going
But little did I know
You would ruin the little life I had inside of me
You’re my favorite hello
But when it comes to you goodbye doesn’t exist
See you got me so ******* intertwined by the words that you spit
Even when your actions say otherwise, I can’t seem to forget
Our love is like a paradox
Yeah, we on some puppy love ****
But you **** up the equilibrium, then **** just don’t click
I go from i love this *****, to this ***** makes me sick
You go from man I love this *****, to I can’t with this ****
Then I ask myself, what am I doing wrong?
Is it the unconditional love I give?
Is it the drive that I have to not give up on us?
You’re my heartbeat
You’re my oxygen
A minute to days to weeks without you I feel like I can’t live
But it’s like **** this ****
I don’t need this ****
You some lame *** ***** that I made feel like he was the ****
I was told real men don’t cry
But I thought that **** was genuine when they shed from your eyes
I became cupid’s fool again
Love makes me blind
Love to me was like candy to a kid
But now it’s like a crime

i need you close to me
i need your company
on this very lonely night
i want to feel whole in your arms
i want to look in your eyes and see the stars
baby take me away from this galaxy
who knew heaven could feel so close
evreytime you're around me
nothing in this world could go wrong
i found my new favorite tune and I can't stop singing the song
boy just sing along
you've been humming to the vibrations, flustering through my body
calling out for yours now
i need you right now
my whole world ceases when you're not around
the dopeamine you release has me on a ******* high
sky aint the limit, and there aint no limits tonight

https://soundcloud.com/fouris

music is the universal language
check out my page and let me know what you guys think
this is just another way for me to express my writing
i have a passion for writing and love
everybody is so scared to let liberate who they truly are and share their talents with the world
i thought no one would even acknowledge me
but you miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take and the risk you dont make
so here goes nothing

im having a breakthrough
after having a breakdown
its overwhelming being crowded by loud thoughts
in a distracted world that only intensifies insanity
im not crazy,  or maybe i am
i go through this back and forth with myself constantly
and the one voice i wasn't listening to was me
the true purpose in life is to be happy, but are you?
ah, the one question you never seem to have a qualm about
but you have to trick the mind until you actually manifest your reality
so ill say im thankful to being able to feel, see, taste, hear and speak love
im thankful for having the capability to love
im thankfull i am loved
and if thats what needs to be understood to be content
then this is my daily affirmation for love
i mean life

i got in touch with my roots today
totem .
i know who you were before this
i see who you were before this
i will get you past this
i understand to an extent your reason for ascending
but to change into this form is quite aesthetically pleasing to awe at
intriguing to study
how many of you  make up this "timid" universe
continue to reveal yourself
didn't curiosity **** the cat?

i want to know what you're grateful for?
comment below

searching,
searching,
im searching
for somewhere to call my home
cause i feel like im falling off
but i think the universe has better plans for me
but i feel like thats not what i need
battling with myself, and my thoughts are no help
so call me deseperate
i just need someone to cloud mental
i dream of better life
so show me that its worth living still
cause im dying inside for real
its tiring doing this all my life
sometimes i just want to die
i dont want no one sight
because in a blink of eye
i fall in love everytime
with every person who makes it seem
like these moments aint temporary
the heart is so decieving
and i can not believe it
this is what i do to myself
baby i think i need some help

silence is my best friend
its my loudest roar
its me crying for help
i need a little more of your
comfort
i dont want you to know my deepest desires
this is my style
i need you around a little while
im not good at expressing my emotions
cause i dont understand it myself
the moon got me moving in ways i dont intend to
but maybe, oh i do
i do want to be free
i want to see where i never thought i could be
i want to fly
i just need a start
i just need a heart
one more time
i dont think i have much left in
to have faith
in something that doesnt change
but what i realized
is that i
have faith
inside
inside of me for myself

i hate being sober
the world is too stupid to go through everything awarely
being more elevated than the comatose soceity gifts me euphoria
it almost sounds selfish but why invest into it when 6ft is only meant for one body
the world is a paradise in the other realm
and only the chosen can

why must you hate me
im a product of what you should bring you happiness
with all the hatred i've recieved
its jaded my vision
now im alone
now im all alone
i dont feel like i belong
but why must i keep going on
if after this its all just happiness
why must i force some freedom inside
its hard to sleep at night
i have no fear of letting go
i have no attachments to anyone x2
i know its just for the experience
so lets have fun x2
i dont have nothing to worry about
all this **** could end right now
im tryna show you what to do
no one ever really cared for you
i wanna teach you all the right things
but love yourself enough
that you don't go searching
no one needs to know that you're hurting

i can't stop running from you, though i hear you calling me
im not scared to accept its my time
one way or another i have always been yours
life is a reflection of what i see
see in myself
why is it hard for me to love me
and no one else
i cant help but see a future with no soul by side
why must i force some freedom inside

i dont wanna waste my time
it ***** that i cant be by myself
i need you all the time
whoever you are
i keep on counting
keep on counting
on everyone
on everyone
to keep me moving
keep me moving
until i see the next sun
honestly its so heartbreaking
how i love to love
and never learn my lesson
honestly its so heartbreaking
how nobody can ******* love me
why cant anybody love me
i try i try i try
to make you see
i dont need anybody
but thats the lie
look into my eyes
and it'll tell you things that i can not try
to make you understand
the more i think i got it
the more i realize its still his game
i dont know why i think people will ever change
and clear the way for us, to love
i just need a new start
its taking a toll on me and
honestly its so ******* heartbreaking
that i dont love myself enough
to give myself love that im missing

if you had the ability to predict your reality
would you always have a peek into the future
or are you overwhelmed by having events predicted
that won't matter later
guidance is what she lacks
since there's a past where she always encountered demons
the devil is the handsomest and brightest
im not surprised on why she's always been blinded
draw a card
draw the cards
ask questions like, "how can we make it far"
tarot cards
tarot cards
"why is life so hard"

- so it is

i hate how people really pray for my downfall
but its my mistake for allowing so many to understand my flaws
im blocked from seeing what needs to be revealed to me
but what if im looking past what i need to see thats already if front of me

https://soundcloud.com/fouris/thin-ice

I'm hearing echos
In these walls of my head
Feels like I'm dealing with the same consequences
From my past lives again
Sooner or later I'll accept the truth
I can not find love through you
Lately baby, I've been daydreaming
It's more bliss seeing than believing
Can we anew these memories just to tame the peace
Affirm to me that you have love for me

potato
potat
pota
***
po
p
pu
pus
****
*****