I want to miss you fully, properly.
I want to look at photos of you and smile.
I want to be able to trace the planes of your face with my fingertips
And love you quietly
Full of joy instead of full of pain.
I am not there yet.
I ache too much for you.
It feels like every molecule of me is being pulled and blurred and bent towards you, wherever you are,
And I try not to think about it.
I try not to think about it because photos of you
Do not make me smile.
Not at first.
They stop my heart.
They stop my breath, and for a moment I don't exist because the longing has become so vast that it unmakes me.
I just can't win with that, it seems-
When you kiss me, I am unmade and remade.
When you leave me, I am unmade and remade.
And you wonder why I told you
That you hold the earth in your hands.
You might as well
For it seems that all the gravity I ever feel comes from you.
I love every line of your face
Looking at it
Seeing your eyes sparkle with that soul behind them
But its loveliness absolutely breaks my heart.
It hurts. It hurts to miss you, now.
You've been gone too long,
And if you aren't coming back I want to skip this part-
The painful, wrenching part-
And move on to when I can look at your picture
Trace your features with my fingers
And smile without wanting to cry, as well.