Christmas isn't always joyful for everyone
Many are homeless, ill and in need of care
Ignored by those who are always happy
No one wants to be burdened with sorrow
It's better to visit with those who make you happy
Because problems are that persons fault
So it's best not to get involved
They could have a mental illness
Staying in your cozy life
Don't step out of the circle
Is a way to pretend that all things are good
While the rest of the world needs attention

Copyright 2018
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Another year of Christmas to spend alone
It's supposed to be the happiest time of the year
But my only memories of Christmas past are sorrowful
Mother was never happy, and would rather drink
She'd sit and pout and make me feel guilty.
Just another Christmas that I ruined she'd say
I believed it was my fault, and wondered why I was like this
Trying to make things nice for my child, and hide the tears
Nothing is as bad as repeating the mistakes my mother made
But I keep thinking of the hell that I lived through every year


Copyright 2018
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Christmas is upon me, it's just another year
that I  am reminded of the past, and I sit in tears

Everything was supposed to be about, fun, parties and shopping
While my mother sat pouting in her chair, yelling and drinking

If I wasn't so bad, she'd say, we could go visiting others
But I was the one who always had to deal with my mother

You didn't act as I expected you to when you opened your gift
She'd run off to her room, pretending to cry because she was miffed

I'd then take each gift and go to her room and unwrap them slowly
& tell her how much I liked it, and she always made me feel lowly.

She said "You ruined another Christmas, when it was for you nice
The way you are, some day you will pay for your deeds the price


Copyright 2018
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I'm scarred from the inside out, with bruises that have no color
hidden tears from years of pain,
a lump in my throat  the size of Mt. Everest
No one knows my pain, no one cares
Each day in my head I hear my abusers voice telling
me I'm no good and calling me names.
This life I did not choose, I was born to my abuser
It's all I know, It's all I hear, I know no different.
These days will never end, and the pain will  never go away.
I must pretend that everything is okay, because that's how others want me to be.

Copyright 2018
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I cried because you rejected me
and lied because I was afraid of you
I hit myself to get attention and scratched myself to release pain
I cut myself  because there was no where to turn
You told me I was bad and called me names
you convinced others I was no good, and kept me from my only sibling
You never hugged,you never kissed, You never said you loved me
I ran away because I was miserable, you were drunk all the time.
Fell into the wrong crowd,  because I was hungry for attention.
I learned everything the hard way, you only taught me that I was bad, and I believed I was, for a very long time.
My inner self is numb and slowly dies each day. Today there is still no one to listen, no one to love, and no one to care.
Everyone thinks you were the best parent and feels sorry
for you because of me.
I used to wonder why I was so bad, now I know that I'm not to blame, but I am the one having to live with the damage a mother caused her child.

Copyright 2018
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From a young age, I always felt stifled
I wasn’t allowed to be me so I was muffled

Mother insisted at my school I be held back in first grade
Principal said no, she insisted and in her hands he played

She said I'd be better off ******* because someone could do something with me then
Because the way I was, I was unable to learn, refused directions again and again

Mother said I came from a loving caring family that I treated terrible
I just don't know how to appreciate, and made others lives unbearable.

Being me was really not acceptable
So I always felt quite skeptical

Everything I did, wanted to do, said or liked
Was considered bad, wrong, sinful and disliked

My having fun was not allowed
For I’d embarrass them in a crowd

I never knew what I was allowed to do
Because of that I never really had a clue

Never knowing what to do, say or how to act
Since all my actions against me were attacked

My mother said one thing to me and did another
I knew she favored others over me so why did I bother?

My entire life has been quite a farce
Attention I wanted from her were sparse

Always pretending to be such an outstanding mother
To impress the friends and family she shouldn’t bother

Mother said I couldn't work because I can’t get along with anybody
Making me dependent on her in every way, she said I was shoddy.

While mother was pretending to me that she really loved me
She was going around bashing me to any family she’d see

I’d complain that other family members treated me bad
She said all you  do is cause trouble and make me mad

If you could just grow up and learn to behave
Then everyone would be nice and about you rave

I trusted my mother when she said I was born bad, told her I  see
She asked the doctor for help but said nothing was wrong with me.

Mother spoke with fork tongue;  sold me out, lied to me constantly
Leaving me to wonder how to survive without her cautiously

I'm afraid to have fun, I'm always afraid someone will be cranky
When I did things I'd pay for it because mom would be very angry

Afraid to be me, don't know how to act, who I am, or what to do.
Today I feel the same and for that reason I will always be blue

At the age of almost 60 I'm finding out things were never my fault
I'd like to take all those bad feelings, and lock them in a vault

Copyright 2017
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I'm alive though all the years of abuse, but I've not been able to truly "LIVE" because my head is full of fog, confused and don't know who I am. Suffering from anxiety and depression. I live in a prison, in my mind.

I look out the window from above and see others conversing with neighbors, thinking why can't I be more outgoing? Why can't I let loose?

These walls I've built around me are like a chain around my neck as a dog has around their neck and can only go so far in any direction.

The harmful words from my narcissistic mother for many years has destroyed who I could have been, what I wanted to be, and where I wanted to go.

Those words don't go away, they never die, and are embedded deep in every fiber of my being. Those words are who I am, what I do and where I go.

Thats my life every day, every second, every minute, every hour.

Copyright 2016
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