it is dark beyond which
to breath in
the mute foils
of night

churning with
constant cicada–

the vibrating of
two membranes–

i am not lost nor wonder;

i know this moment:



it is time to be the person you were always supposed to be.

The pain seeps out in flashes of insanity
I do not doubt you love me
Though I will always wonder why
In my shattered self-image
In my innate ability to be unseen
Was born an adolescent desire
A desperate need
A yen to be quenched of doubt
To be noticed
To be seen
Both within and without
In that longing to be alive
To be sure that I am a tangible being
In that way I push limits
I test boundaries like a child
Taxing the last nerve of an exhausted parent
Pushing hard until something breaks
Proving I matter enough
Or proving I can bend reality
Until I matter not
To anyone
For surely there is a reason I remain
Unseen
Unheard
Invisible
Intangible
Irrelevant
And Unnoticed
So I push when I'm hurt
Because you promised you won't leave
And I believe you
You said I meant everything I always wanted to mean to someone
And I believe you
You said you'd do anything and everything it takes to make me smile
And I believe you
The pain seeps out in flashes of insanity
I test boundaries like a child
Not because I doubt you
Because I need to always believe

When winter melts
footprints of mud, this path
now a screen of green
I cannot see, lost I listen for
calling words, the haunt of forest birds
cry, they call before the storm
deep a swell of rain pours
that wild, brings another Spring
mossy soft this budding floor
mist and petrichor that waft
attract, they meld and melt
sweet into the soul

No one can live your life

No one can relieve your strife

No one can change your heart

No one can do your part

No one can decide for you

    What you must do

But you

   A great responsibility
   Filled with great rewards.

   Never Give Up.

I am waiting for the spring, the change
the variance of green
waiting for you, a fool
swim, I drown in this moon-pool
dark down a tunnel of night
I make my way by braille
only to touch, to see
a rivulet of rain
before the sun
that swells of red
and strays away
the day, a heart
that long ago
fled

are you the one sent
   a new one
this one is special
    this one is different
will you woo me until i fall unabashedly
unadulterated, and unbiasedly
in love with you?
only to toss me to the curb
when i no longer amuse you?
and then will my pain
bring you pleasure
a pleasure that will expand,
even further,
your side splitting, bloated ego?

i've given in to better
   i've been left by the best
you are one of many
that i can tuck into the pocketbook of my heart
to bring out and look at
when my soul need a little bruising.

i've spent a year without you
but the wound is as fresh
as the day you left me

i thought photos of you
would comfort me
but they only prove to be
bittersweet reminders
of what i once had
what i could have protected

but your green eyes do say something
to me
and i find myself lost in them
hoping to find
forgiveness

will i ever not hurt?
can i, in time, forgive myself?

this burden is so heavy
my heart is laden
with the guilt of not saving
   the one thing that trusted me
loved me unconditionally

i will continue to beg for your forgiveness
which will only come
when i can forgive myself.