I see you’re still doing ******,
I hope when you pick at your face
You’re still just “having fun”
I hope that when the doctor told you
You have *** from sharing needles
You laughed it off and didn’t cry
I hope that when you look in the mirror
And come face to face with
What you have become
You can smile triumphantly and say
“Wow I sure showed her”

The track marks run all over your body
Places I used to touch for hours,
Your hands and wrists and arms and thighs
Seeing you like this
Makes me want to cry

Seeing something I loved
Become so broken

I love you
And I think you’re **** as hell
Tell me how I can fix this,
How to make you laugh like you used to.

I’m sorry that I’m so broken
I had to break you, too
I Carved your scars out to match mine
So I know the tears you cry
Taste just like mine
So I know your wounds won’t heal with time.

Am I making you think you’re nothing,
Like how I think I’m nothing?

Ive already hit rock bottom
Watch me drag you down here with me
We can sit in the dark
And try to make sparks
Then fall asleep cold
And do it all over again

I wonder if stars worry they’re not bright enough
If even the sun with its life giving light
Feels dim sometimes in comparison to the others.
I wonder if we are all stars,
Beautiful to other people but unknowing in ourselves.
I know that even when my light dies out and I implode into a black hole,
It will take years for people to notice I’m a burned out nothing, floating in nothing.

When will I be good enough
And not too much?

Will I ever be content
With this life I’ve built
With these strangers I
Call friends that surround me

I look in the mirror
Nothing seems to look familiar
Even my eyes have lost their life

They say don’t drink on an empty stomach
I think I will just so I can finally throw up

Maybe he doesn’t want to
Make love to me
**** me
Hold me kiss me
Be with me

Because I’m simply too fat
It hangs from my arms and chin
My fat weighs down every step
I take making the whole earth
Shake and shudder,

I’m tired of people saying
“You carry your weight well”

I’m tired of people saying
“She was prettier 2 years ago”

I’m tired of my boyfriend saying
“Not tonight, I’m tired”
Every night

Maybe the world would love me
If I lost 50 pounds,

Maybe I would love me
If I lost 50 pounds.

And maybe,
Just maybe,
I could breathe,
If I got all this weight off of me.

He was loved by pastors
And drug addicts on the sidewalks
He was loved by his parents
And all his ex girlfriends,
He was loved by Jesus
And he was loved by ****** too.

His mother worries
Satan wanted him in hell
Just as much as God wanted
Him in heaven.

I wonder what his funeral
Looked like
I wonder what irony God had placed
Inside his heart that day.
Battle drug addiction for two, three, five years.
Get clean.
Then get run over by your own snowmachine.

Let your friend find it idling on top of you.
Let your mother cry over you
One
Last
Time.
Because she’s saying “he will be loved, he will be missed.”
But she’s loved him and missed him for years.

I think of you every now and then,
How it felt to kiss you
And how it felt to be near you.
I think of how you’d message me
Out of the blue, and how you’d always say
“You were my first love, Lindsey.”
Hell, most of my first poems written on here
Are about how much I loved you.

And now I’ll never know.
Now I’ll never get to say anything to you
Ever again.

Sometimes when I think of you it’s almost like a buzz going on in my pocket.
Like you’re messaging me late
And asking how I’m doing.

I’m doing fine, Jacob, I’m doing just fine.

My friends aren't supposed to
Look like
This
Hollowed out
Sallow yellow
Cheeks.
***** teeth.

Heating up their medicine
Inside a metal spoon
Stick it in,
Just to get that feeling soon.

Wasting time,
Wasted on the floor,
Nodding off,
Giggling galore.

Jumpy eyes
And uneasy smiles
"Lindsey don't you
Want to stay awhile?"

But they've already left,
Off to their next fix,
Too bad they've amounted
To Alaska's Valley hicks.