He looks at me
And I feel like the most beautiful person to ever exist.
He talks about me as if I created the universe
As if I am Devine, holy, a miracle
And when he holds me it’s as if he’ll never leave.  
He swears the last guy was crazy
Can’t believe that I was ever single
“How could he let go of a girl like you?”
He says.
“You are amazing”
“Once in a lifetime”

Isn’t that what they always say?
Aren’t they always so enchanted at first? So head over heels in love.
And then they realize that the happy, bubbly girl has pain too.
That she has a past.
That she can’t always be the happy bubbly girl.
That she’s scared
And hurt
And broken in ways that they cannot fix.
Then they realize that I am not perfect.
That I require just too much of their energy.
I’m just too “crazy” too “damaged”.

And then they leave.

When you asked me if I had ever written a poem about you,
I explained that I typically only write about what breaks me,
So I guess you wanted a poem so bad that you decided to rip my heart out of my chest, smash it, and leave it for me to clean up.

If you wanted a poem,
All you had to do was ask.
I would have written about how it felt the world was brighter when you kissed me
Or how waking up to you was the best thing in the world.
I would have written about all the mornings you made me breakfast and all the nights you made me dinner.
I would have written about how a love like this had never shown up at my heart’s door this way.

But now I’ll write about the way it felt when I walked away from you for the last time
When you swore this wasn’t permanent
But it was wasn’t it?
I’ll right about the letters I wrote to you, but never sent
And how when I think about all the plans we made for our future,
The ones you threw away,
I’m filled with red hot rage.

I’ll write about how I knew you never loved me,
But stayed anyway in hopes that one day
You would.

I need a break.
It’s not you,
I just need time to work on myself
And I can’t do that with you around.

I need time to remember how to fall in love,
And who knows,
Maybe it wont work out...
And you can come back when it’s over.

I promise we’ll do all the things we love to do together,
Like binge eating,
Skipping class,
Drinking ourselves to sleep,
And crying in the shower.

But I feel like we need some time apart,
So please,
Just leave for a little while.

I often wonder
If your mind ever wanders to me
When it's dark and my side of the bed is empty
I wonder if you ever think
About the way my fingers felt in your
Curly, *****, ***** hair
Or about how the kisses we shared seemed to stop time
Or about the time when our love was gentle and sweet and new
Or about how we broke each other so many times
Before giving up

I often wonder if things could've been different,
If we could've had more time-stopping kisses,
And less earth shattering fights.
If you ever could've truly loved me,
The way you always promised that you would some day

I wonder if you think about me
The way I think about
How your hand felt on my back,
Rubbing all of my problems away.
Even though you were most of my problems.
Or how exhilarating it felt every time we came back to each other,
Like an alcoholic having "just one" drink, swearing we wouldn't get ****** in again.

When it's 3 am,
And he asks why you're still there,
And the only answer you have is
"Because I love you"
Leave.
Love alone is not enough to keep you warm at night.

When you know you want forever,
And he only wants right now,
Leave.
Forever is not going to happen.
The longer you hold on,
The more it'll hurt to let go.
You will find your forever,
But he is not it.

When you threaten to leave,
And he holds open the door,
Do not hesitate.
If he truly loved you,
He'd never let you go.

I can't get out of bed
And by that I mean all my pain and sadness has masqueraded itself as blankets and is holding me to this bed
I cannot eat
By which I mean
The sight of food makes me ill because I am already full of misery
And even when I try,
The lump in my throat makes it impossible
I cannot sleep
Because beautiful memories of you keep me up all night,
followed by the grief of knowing that it's all over.
And when I do sleep I wake up in the middle of the night,
Calling your name.

It is both exhilarating and frightening to look at one person and see your entire world.
Terrifying to wake up in his arms at 3 am and admire the shape of his lips,
The warmth of his skin,
The way the light from the window accents all his best qualities.

It is intoxicating to kiss him when my body is so full of love that,
like an erupting volcano,
I can no longer control myself.
Thrilling to look up and see him looking right at me.

How intimidating it is that he has no idea that the stars are in his eyes and his smile is the moon.
And how I feel every bone in my body melt when he kisses me.

But,
more than anything,
How wonderful it is to love,
Wholeheartedly,
Without hesitation.