now here's a place
i have never been
looking over the edge
seeing if i can see the bottom
dropping a pebble
to hear
the end

i don't think there is one
least-ways
i didn't hear it land
i don't want to fall down this
rabbit hole
but
the eyes staring out
from the darkness
are so...
like i know who they are

and i want to see
just how far down
i will fall
and if they will watch me
as i let go

here is a place
i have never been
so long have i lived
in the sunshine
my skin is paper thin
and the weight of my world
crushes the air from my lungs
makes me breathe out
with no hope of breathing in

here is a place
i have never been
i have no memory
of falling
tipping over the edge
i just know there is no sunshine
and my soul is struggling
to keep warm

even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind

like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
to me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
she spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew
i would
never again
go hungry

as i ate

every

single

one

the sands of time slip through my fingers
wading through dunes of all my yesterdays
no longer able to count the grains
that have blown into the wind.

grasping handfuls yet holding nothing
nothing to show for my time spent
all I have are the missed moments
of the photographs I was not in
of the parties I did not attend
of the goodnight, sleeptights I did not whisper
of the mealtimes where my chair sat empty
of the 'I love you's' I was not there to say
of the 'I miss you's' that floated upon the breeze.

and time has stolen my time to love you
all my 'please forgive me's'
fall from my mouth
sounding remarkably like 'honey i'm home'
entering an empty house
one key on the hook
and all the clocks have stopped

Writers are powerful creatures
they can warp and then stop time
they can make you old
young
and die

they can construct dreams
made of ink
that terrify
dreams that span eons of time
and make you wide awake
never sleeping
for one second

they can summon dragons
and storms
create armies
and legions
build castles
and empires
they can burn your village
to the ground
and everything
you hold dear
will be dust

They can make you fearless
victorious
triumphant
leaders of men
warriors in battle
gods on high
mad

They can make you fly
make you crawl
beg for mercy
wish for death

and then
when you thought
they had done
all that they could

vicariously
they live
their darkest fears
through you

by making you
love

he is
a tidal wave
sweeping in
with debris
and salt

eventually
to be washed up
on the shore
was preferable
to being dashed
upon the rocks

but the fear
of drowning
under his waves
lungs filled
with his sin
and silt
blood
and bile

lips bloodied
bones bending
tears falling
heart broken

infants crying
run aground
the past thrown
into the present

churned and swelled
the sea bed
giving up
it's dead

the glorious dead
of yesterday

i found
i could swim
while
he lay upon the shore
in his own torment
waiting to be saved
woe is him

he is
a tidal wave
sweeping in
and out
with salt
and debris
sin and silt

anxiety isn't selective
it consumes anyone
any time
any place
despite their age
size
financial situation
social standing
ethnicity
gender
sexuality
values
spirituality
and mental capability  
anxiety isn't logical
it devours all thoughts
and reasoning
for no reason
for every reason
for nothing at all

anxiety eats at the very fabric
of everything you hold dear
and sacred
it takes who ever it wants
and twists their thoughts
and soundness of mind
until they break
and then some

anxiety swallows you whole
and spits you out
then waits for you
hand on the dinner bell
it is a curse
i hope it chokes to death
on me.