anxiety isn't selective
it consumes anyone
any time
any place
despite their age
size
financial situation
social standing
ethnicity
gender
sexuality
values
spirituality
and mental capability  
anxiety isn't logical
it devours all thoughts
and reasoning
for no reason
for every reason
for nothing at all

anxiety eats at the very fabric
of everything you hold dear
and sacred
it takes who ever it wants
and twists their thoughts
and soundness of mind
until they break
and then some

anxiety swallows you whole
and spits you out
then waits for you
hand on the dinner bell
it is a curse
i hope it chokes to death
on me.

he said he loved me first
and
right from the beginning
i wasn't sure
i felt trapped
and then
then i felt the obligation
to reciprocate

guilt
and the need to appease

how could i
in all good conscience
not love someone
who loved
me?

so i tried
i smiled
and looked inside of myself
for that longing
that he so often
showed me

and i admit
there was a short period of time
that i managed to convince myself
that i too
was in love

perhaps i fed off of that feeling
of being wanted so much
that it felt like love

you know
when you confuse being thirsty
for being hungry
or food
for comfort

turns out i wasn't either hungry
or in need of comfort

i was in desperate want
of solitude

and here we are
wednesday 3rd of October 2018
and at 9:11 am
he boarded a coach
to the airport
so he can fly home

and i am again
single
free

he is a good man
but he is not for me
i like him
with all of my heart

he has understood every word i said
and smiled

saying go
be free

we will remain friends
like in the beginning
before he told me
he loved me

She wore flowers in her hair
even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind
like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
To me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
She spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew i would
never again
go hungry
as i ate every
single
one

I don't think he knows
how much
he fills my
heart;
how
his movements
have made themselves
at home inside..
he makes me want
to push back
the furniture
just so
I can watch
him dance

i don't think
i will ever not be in love
with trees
it makes my heart humble
seeing in one sweeping moment
the expanse
of their life
so beautiful is it
that it must span
the length
and breadth
of the sky...

what if
we just love
instead