insomnia and I.



Every night we meet, we talk nonsense and this and that,

All the questions and conversations I have in my head:

What if’s and if only’s and time that’s passed,

If only I chose myself,

didn’t please others and even my dad…

What if I dared to have all the things I never had,

Even if, what if, if I could, and if simply I said…

God, what to do with me, with all this and all that?



Hush…He gives me a cuddle, a comfort, an embrace,

A tight embrace that doesn’t let me out,

And then we talk, about stuff, for instance,my deepest fears,

My hidden, destructive doubts

and then some tears..



He knows everything and every cockroach in my head by name,

Knows all my impulses that I so badly want to tame.

I get messy, depressive but he is not the one to blame,

Because I despise him first but then I ask him to stay.



He stays and brings back all the memories I had, didn’t wanna have and the ones I haven’t yet made.  

Toxic guy from school, my grandma, the cat and the days dad came home late.

Talks to me of my dreams and pains, and the things I sometimes said,

People who hurt me, I hurt and decisions I regret..



I know we are better off but I don’t really know how,

Coz we are also good together, strangely, somehow.



Hours pass, we sit on the windowsill staring at the moon or ceiling,

Quiet. Thinking about future, dreams, and things worth believing

He knows I think that I will be soon leaving

So I am scared as a man buried alive

for all the hours I am stealing

from me,from life, from him…

and in the sleepless night, I am the insomnia, not him..

Maybe it’s not him but I’m the one who needs healing.

I am the child of the East,
Citizen of no mans land.
I don’t fit in the borders
I have no map in my hands.
I let my heart be my compass,
My guide is the endless sky.
What is to be is what comes
Enough for me is my now.
Don’t preach me, believe you not,
Don’t see colors, don’t know words,
My heart lays in the unseen,
And stories no one heard.
I look at you with no rules
Coz being human is to love,
To be humane is to know
There are plots you never told,
There is a wound you never showed.
Preach you not, I am no better,
I am a passerby in time
Taking chances, writing letters
Of my journey and hidden crimes.
Tell me not I don’t belong,
I know it already too well.
If my trip is to be long
I have a tale I wanna tell.
I don’t belong but I walk my walk,
I don’t need rug to talk to God.
The Earth is my prayer mat,
And the whole world is my mosque.

20.10.24
🖊️ Lily the Passerby

For you?
The world?
No.
The world is a mirage, my love is not.
It is true as the sky,
Alive more than the blood pumping in my veins.
True as mother’s pain,
Divine as Almighty’s love.
For you I give not the world,
For you I wish the heavens.

You deserve a poem but
Words cannot find the way out,
My heart is so full of lines,
But it won’t say it out loud.
You deserve a whole novel
With your name on every page.
Even pens refuse to write
As if my hands are cuffed in cage.
I would write a song for you,
An ode to your charming voice.
Pity, don’t have words to sing,
Noise is too loud to out-voice.
Maybe I could paint your picture?
But I am horrible at that,
I have such an inept hands
To reflect such piece of art.
Is there any way to show
What my poor heart has to say,
Tell me what else left to do
To free my mind of this weight?
Maybe… maybe I could just look at  you?
You would read it in my eyes…
Silence would sing you a song
Or stare in awe, guess, otherwise .
Then maybe I close my lids?
You could feel it in the air,
My heartbeat would tell it all,
If it could. Guess, wouldn’t dare.
Well, then, I’ll just search for words,
Though they’re not easy to get.
And I will write them just for you,
Although I don’t know you. Yet…

26.10.24