I dance in the dark, soft lit pulses against my skin
The rush of dopamine I’m into,
The kind of love the world worships—
Feeling good, romantic drama, hangover
And a whole lot of bedtime revenge, fight me!
Swinging to the noisy static of artificial stimulation

Let’s play a game, no rules, no winners
It’s already rigged— chaos
Played it anyway, under the dark eclipse
Alchemy in motion, we tell ourselves,
“You bet, we are in full control”

It’s already ‘25 and we are still here
Push me, chock me ‘till I pass out
Lip-stick stained, soft aesthetic,
Still not outdated, late night fantasy of lies

Let’s be real, nobody can make me feel
Dancing in the moonlit night
Altered reality, the homicide of self
You die, I die— the fall of quick highs

That’s what’s terrifying
Tragedies, I love them anyway

I was too independent and God broke me down, it was isolation and negativity. He can't work in self-reliance, because without him you can do absolutely nothing. God design us to co-depend on community and co- depend on Him. You can be secure and dependent on God. He never created us to walk alone.

Can I hide in a comfy quiet space or with a soft instrumental bgm to read a book or magazine all day? Good food and a cup of ice white coffee. Nice scenery, starburst and sparkles. Date night  with authors and  late night at museums and galleries that open past midnight.

(I)
Weariness my constant guest
Uninvited but settling in my chest
Slowing and thinning me; weak
I wish, somehow this lifeless ghost,
a shadow lingering in my body would drift away from my skin and let me rest.

(II)
Gray mornings
Weariness becomes my companion
Diluted white coffee
Wish you were here with me

TikTok Therapists
Played out a parody in my head
They made me swiped for gags of my sorrow
Millennials would say Tumblr was their therapists,
that’s what he told me
#relate
You will overcome the death of your feelings
Hold on to the future where it only gets better

In the ward
They said I wanted to run away
I told him I was attached
Blurry chaos, scribbling my unorganised thoughts
I was attached to the sound happening inside my head
No one let me go

You live in my mind rent free
You’re wasting my time
Making a mental note to myself,
“Satan comes to ****, steal and destroy”
You come and go

A child in an adult body, senseless, hopeless, fixed mindset. Destine for self-sabotaged, defined by mediocrity. Stuck in a loop, bound to the past. Chained to their own haunted thoughts, weighing them down in the trapped of replayed memories. Unable to break free; no vision of the future.

When they don’t want to love themselves.
When they are in the mood, they think they love.
When they can’t see love.
It’s hard to love when there is nothing lovely.
You love the parts they can’t see for themselves.
You love because you had your share of love.
Not to fix them.
But to be there for them,
Just to show love.

The ocean waves, a cloudy breeze, feeling blue.
I’ll picture us, beach towel on soft sand, just us two. Paint my mind with colours, don’t let it fade.
It can make my day, we might never be together.
I’ll imagine your love in the air, captured in this moment. Somewhere in the grand design— maybe, just maybe the universe and cosmo are pulling us closer.

I listens to white noise like l'm in an airplane, It keeps me safe. I travel through space, like bubbles in air. I switch off to airplane mode, the mode to get away to be with you.

The Lord said I don't want you to just achieve your goals, I want to commune with you every day. I want you to be in my presence daily. I want you to seek me and love me. I want fellowship. Christ work has brought restoration to communion with God and man. Emmanuel, Emmanuel, God with us.

Don’t look back, because they gonna hold you back. What you can’t do in the past, doesn’t define what you can do in the future.

Everything is embarrassing
You’re always at the back of my mind
I almost died of embarrassment

Everything that you’ve experienced was not the real experience of who I am
I’ve been wanting to tell you what you’ve experienced but it never happened

I never had the chance
I am sorry for our loss and I know we could never turned back in time
But if you ever wants to connect again,
You are in it for a wild story, maybe another podcast.

Took a break from life
Because life almost took me away
Now I’m moving along again
It was draining when I had to pause
Because it never happened before
It felt like a crash a sudden abrupt stop
I was left alone and lost
But after 3 years I found life again
The life God gave me in 2003
And now everyday I just want to go only if he’s with me.

We are not the center of our Universe.
You are not at the center of it all.
Jesus Christ should take center of it all.
He holds all things together.
He’s the true center of it all.

Music was very much part of my life
I grew up with a Walkman and a mp3 player
I listens to my parents favourite songs
It brought me through places
It played the right beat at the right time
It hid me in low times
And it even brought me to my lowest point in life
When I was feeling high and unconscious
It was quite a journey
I almost gave up on music but it saved me again

We just cannot clicked,
We are just blood related,
That’s fine, we don’t have to live in relation to each other.
What’s the point, we never changed for the other.
What’s the point, if you’ve never been there to raise me up or to see me grow up.
Anyway it doesn’t changed the past,
And I don’t have any hope for our future.

You don't have to.
Stop.

Your value is not
In your work,
In your past,
In your finance,
In your relationship.

You don't have to earn anything,
Your being is your value.

You are loved without
any works of your own.

I am not self-made.
I am God-made.
I belong in Christ.

My home is a mess
literally and emotionally
I think my dad secretly hates me
Just like how I’ve hated my dad all these while
Absent father, no emotional support
My mother care too much, and always invalidates my emotions and experiences
What’s the point of giving birth,
If you’re not going to support the child?
Why was I even born into this unhealthy family
***** for me

I can.
I am creative.
I can create.

I declare I’m a masterpiece.
If you say so, so it will be.
Only your truth matters.
PTL.

My 20s is ending.
I did nothing to savour it.
I was chasing and I rolled down a hill.
Haha… at least I could laugh it off…

I was caught off guard.
I need new alignments.
30s would be a brand new start.
Literally.

Baby steps
It’s not a game
It’s not a race
It’s a at your own pace
Kinda path
Relax and don’t overthink

I kept thinking that was me
But that wasn’t me
That wasn’t me
Who was I then
If that wasn’t me

I couldn’t comprehend
I couldn’t come to terms

It felt so real, all the thoughts
All the imagination, it felt like me

But it wasn’t me

Ah yes!
I couldn’t maintain the highs
The waves of the low hits me hard
I couldn’t hold it together
And it kept trying to take me away
I almost…

When I’m okay
Time will tell
Maybe when I stop reminiscing my old self

Slowly slowly
When I’m okay
Good or no good also passed already

Repeat after me:

They say dreams are clouds
Evaporates
Fluffy and just nice to look at

Out of my comfort zone
Where is my safest place

Unwind and slow down
Catch yourself on
Tell yourself kind words

Antidepressants episodes
Staying afloat

Self love
Self care
Reminder
The topic all over again
A healing journey

2 weeks medical leaves
Taking time off to recalibrate

For your best interests
Articulate your experience
And emotions

Irrational thoughts
Lost inside my head

Paranoid, delusional, hallucinations
Something really bad

A few episodes
Living with voices
Talking to them

Electroconvulsive therapy
Controlling, something is lost

Wanna keep talking about it
Never the same as before
I want back myself

Pain, trauma, suicidal
Sometimes moving on
Thinking of a new start
Sometimes stuck in the same cycle

I am your work of art.
Your masterpiece.

covers of clouds
i'm still blooming
it's still midsummer madness

The wind blew
The paper boat sailed
I did not hold back
And you let it sail...

We couldn't enjoy long silence together.
We couldn't enjoy long distance together.
We couldn't enjoy the idea of love altogether.

I wish you see through me. Like looking beneath the water. All you see was the reflection you picked up from the surface of the water. Nothing you see is quite like me. Needlessly, nothing was done for a deeper plunge.

We couldn't grow together.
I am like wheat.
You are like ****.

Every month is a new month.
Everyday is a new day.

We are only as close as we allow.
It's true we've gotten closer and it's true we will never be together.
It's true; Love is the ultimate unreasonable activity.

It's adorably cruel.

One glance and you can see my dreams arranged admirably on my bookshelf in such a way that it looks like it's only for display. As of now.

As of now, a collector of dreams.
Some people say, never to tell your dreams...
As of now, I'm tired of dreaming.
Some people say, you will never wake up from your tired dreams...
As of now, dream on

I am a flower.
A decorative.
In a corner of a room.
I am a vein plant.
I have a purpose.
To be aesthetic.

You see me alive.
You see me well.
I don't die.
I am plastic.

I know you.
You only want me to be a still art.
A silent watch.
In a corner of a room.

I live a private life.
Everything I say is a private thing.

The more you know about me,
The more you don't want to know about me,
The more you don't know about me,
The more you want to know about me,

You almost know me and that is a scary thing.
Most people don't read far.
Most people won't pick me up again.

Most people think is,
Weird mystery, weird music, weird everything.

Place me on your fancy bookshelf.

Those loverlike they ran away.
Such is a foul play of fondness.
Such is a psychological rebellious.
Such is a complicatarded relationshit.

You make me breathe too hard
You make me stop breathing

You make me breathe too deep
You make me love to hate
You make me cry and hurt too deep
You make me fall deep
You make me anticipate on ground zero

You make me sick
You make me work for love
You make me tired

You make me hate to love

They found a quaint vacation spot.
They felt so much like something but of only a microscopic vision; through their idealist imagination it was so much of a grandeur encounter.

Feel too much but your presence still disappear. Troubled naked eyes; stop acting so curious. Stop being mysterious. The bloodshed love, your psychological fears. A close heuristic encounter.

Those loverlike they ran away.