I was her only child
It was not by choice
Her womb taken away by disease
She felt she had lost her voice

The world was not where she lived
It had done so little for her
So she locked me away from the evil outside
Smothered by her care

When I was 5 I started school
And I didn't know what to say
Because I was taught so many things
That they were taught the other way

When I was 14 I liked a boy
But I didn't know how to react
This was a lesson I hadn't been taught
On the inside I felt cracked

But my mother didn't see it
She hated I was shy
'I didn't raise you like this' she said
But this was a lie

And then the evil came back
She became so very ill
And her instincts that stunted me
Came back for the ****

A week before she died
My family sat me down
'Shes dying' they told me
The room spun around

Her one last act
Was to protect me from being sad
But inside the crack deepened
All I felt was mad

Because I was more than that
I was more than being protected
I hardened on the outside
But inside I felt rejected

I became the daughter
My mum wanted me to be
Confident, loud
Someone everyone could see

I drunk away the doubts
I danced away the pain
So that the thoughts inside
Didn't drive me insane

I never cried or moaned
In front of people or alone
So I could prove I was strong
I wanted this to be known

She was taken so early
When i felt for her so much hate
I was robbed of my mother
And now it's too late

He keeps looking at you
My friends said
You did keep looking at me
You were cute
Eyes like rain
And you kept looking at me
It made my heart leap
Then you came over
Head down like a puppy
And spoke
A voice like butter
A smile that made my heart melt
And you didn't stop looking at me

We went out for drinks
A cute bar with live music
I started singing
And you laughed
A genuine laugh
And you kept looking at me
Like you knew me
And I looked at you
I really looked at you
And my heart kept leaping

It was raining
We'd been to the park
you gave me your coat
We ran under some scaffolding
We couldn't stop laughing
And then you looked at me
You kept looking at me
Until our lips met
And my eyes closed
Magic

The music was really loud
I was dancing
I feel hands around my waist
They're not yours
I struggle
But the hands stay
Then you come
Frowning, angry
You look at me
Then at him
'Get off' you say
He moves away
'I won't let anyone hurt you'
You keep looking at me

I come to yours early
To surprise you
I bring your favourite food
And a movie
Your favourite
The house is quiet
I sneak upstairs
And then
I hear a voice
It's not your voice
I walk into your room
And fire
My heart jumps
You're touching her
All over her
And you're looking at her
You keep looking at her

You see me
You're surprised
You jump out of bed
But I'm not looking
I'm turning
Running
Away from everything
Because maybe
Maybe it wasn't love
Maybe I was just another girl
That you kept looking at

Now
without you
I'm empty
Betrayed
Rejected

Because
You never saw me

You were just looking

I live
Barely
Struggling to breath
As long fingers wrap around my neck
Hands of my past squeeze
Making it harder to take each step
Arms of regret pull me back
Stopping me from taking a turn
And behind me
A weight always stays
A body of pain

But each time I take a step
Each time I push through to turn
The weight becomes less
Or rather
The weight stays heavy
And I become strong
So I continue
I live
Barely

My soul is tormented black
Twisted like the hole it was ripped from
When you left
This isn't about what you did
It's about what I didn't
Because now my life is meaningless
Because now I pretend I'm whole
When really theres nothing
But a forced smile
And a pit at the bottom of my flesh where tears are swallowed

No
I do not feel
What I need
To live anymore
I mean
I can breathe
My main muscle beats
I can move my feet
But my soul's grew old
Before my flesh
And now I conclude
There's nothing here
But the endless abyss
That I fear
Means nothing but from where
The fishbowl
I exist