I never thought I’d get this far.

The year is 2004
I’m 6. And I thought the monsters in my closet were going to get me.
They didn’t.

Fast forward to 2008
I’m now 10. I thought the kids in my class would hurt me. They did.
But I’m still here.

2013
15 now. No one cares, I hurt myself. A boy in my class hurt himself worse. He’s gone. I’m still here.

2014
16 and can drive. I hurt myself bad. I went to the hospital. Still here.

2016
An adult now, 18. High school is done. I met him.. he hurt me. Still here I guess.

2017
19 now. He left. Thought I’d be gone but no. Still here.

2018
20 and things are okay. I’m still here but where am I? Lost but here.

2019
Going to be 21. Figuring things out. Lost. Why am I here? Why did I make it? Sometimes I wonder, should I have?

I never thought I’d get this far. So many times I thought it was the end of my story. Sometimes I wish it had ended. This doesn’t feel right. The story needs to end.

Plagued by fear
Plagued by anxiety
Plagued by everything

Who are you
You’re confusing

Hello confusing

My name is anxious
Or depressed

But my friends call me

Well

If I had friends they’d call me
Nothing

But you
You’re confusing

And you call me love

Where that nickname came from,
I’m not sure

You’re on the ground and I’m int the clouds

I’m in the future
Hundreds of miles from here

Trying to see what’s yet to come
Hoping it’ll be better
Than now

Shouldn’t now be good?

Instead it feels
Hopeless
And scary

And I’m anxious,
But I already said that.

I introduce myself a lot and I ramble
When I forget how to stop

I know it’s annoying,
I know it’s bothersome

These are my other nicknames.

I have so many if forget them all

And I forgot again.
To just

Shut up.

Life is weird
And so am I

Who are you?
And where did you come from?

You seem..
Perfect

Is this a trick?
Some joke?

I’m waiting for slip of the sheet
To reveal what’s really there

I can already see the future
The white
The aisle
Cheering
We kiss

But yet
I’m hesitant

Are you too good
To be true?

I love you

I love what I’m seeing

But is that all that’s there?

Or is there something darker?

Who are you?
Who am I?

And where are we going?

In life, we have those moments.
Those moments where,
everything seems to stop.

And the only thing that seems to matter,
is you, and anybody in that moment.

Your heart beats faster than
it ever has before
and everything is now
in slow motion.

The rain even seems to fall slower.
The wind quiets
and in the distance you can hear
a Lynyrd Skynard song
or maybe it's Bob Dylan.

But it's smooth and calming
and you feel like the moment
couldn't possibly end,
but it does.

Like all things it, it too must end sometime.
But you know what's really great?
We can always make more.

I've had a lot of moments,
with you.
They take my breath away
and remind me.

They remind me that no matter
how I'm feeling:
Angry
Excited
Glum
Happy
that I'm ALIVE

Mon Cheri
You are the best thing
that has ever happened to me.

I was once petrified
at even the thought
of uttering any sentence
close to that.

To admitting how I feel.
Especially to myself.
I was terrified of getting
broken.

But that's apart of life!
To be upset, happy, scared, confused,
Full of love.

And we as people
are not like the broken glass
in the alleys of the cities.

We are humans!
Resilient! Persevering!
Not just surviving but living!

And what do we live for,
if not love?

Mon Cheri,
you have my heart.
My everything.
Everything I have to offer
it's all yours.

You are my one.
I will make no comparisons
of princes and princesses,
or of fairytales and fables.
We are not those things.
Make believe.

We are the realist thing
I have ever had the chance
to be apart of.

We're human.

We make mistakes.
We scream.
We cry.
We get hurt
and we kiss the broken parts
of ourselves.

But, amazingly,

We also help each other.
We laugh.
We love.
We pick each other up
when we fall.
And we kiss the broken parts
of each other.

We have love between us.
It's similar to Kryptonite
for Superman.

It's the source of his strength
which makes him invincible.
but it's also his weakness.

We'll get hurt sometimes.

But together
we are still invincible.
You literally make me feel
like I'm flying.

Like I was saying about moments.

There have been moments where
you're in front of me and
tears are sliding down my face
and I feel as though my heart
is banging on my chest,
trying to escape the pain.

Where we're yelling and I'm
afraid we're going to lose each other.
Where your eyes are full of tears too.
Where I don't think we'll make it through.

But we do.

And then the relief washes over us.
And suddenly, we're clinging to each other
for dear life.

And in those moments, I'm absolutely sure
that I NEVER want to lose you.

Arms, legs, and lips are intertwined.
Hugging, kissing, laughing.
Like we never had before.

I love all of those moments.

I love the moments on a lazy Sunday.
Where we wake up, make love and just
hold each other. Just enjoying the morning.
As the light creeps through the window
dancing on our bare skin
and smiles are stretched across our faces
and our hearts are full
and we whisper to each other and laugh.

I love our adventurous moments,
where you scare me to death
and I shout your name and smack your arm.
But really,
I'm laughing on the inside.

I love the moments spent on the couch,
fighting over what to watch, or
playing video games.

I love the moments we spend in the shower,
it just feels so normal.
So comfortable.

I love the moments when we
go on dates. How you hold
my door, hold my hand,
hold me.

So many moments spent together.
Doing normal everyday things
with you is so much better
than alone.

They just become so full of love.
They become moments.
Things to appreciate.

Even sleeping next to you is better.
You keep the nightmares away.
You keep me safe.

I love you Mon Cheri,
for everything you do,
for every part of you.

From your messy hair
to your toes.

For every piece of you,

From your kind and sweet words
to your ADHD.

I love how loud, how vibrant you are.
I love how excited you get for things,
you could never annoy me.
Everything that makes you who you are,
I love it.
and I love you.

With every part of me.
Even the parts you don't particularly like,
but I know that you still love.
Oh darling,
even with all these words,
they still don't come close at all
to how much I love and care for you.

Oh, my darling.
Mon Cheri.

Even through all the pain, I'm madly and deeply in love with you. You are my one and no matter the obstacles, I'm here for you.

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS THIS?! I can't even talk to you... my heart is breaking constantly by the ignorant words you spew at me! Do you even care? You say you do. Do you even try? You say you do. Do you think of me when I'm gone? You say you do.. you say a lot of things.. but I think I'm simply to naive to understand, that it's all lies. You don't care, do you? And why would you?.. I have no where else to go, nowhere else to say what I'm feeling so I bottle it up, but its unlike a ship in a bottle, the contents of my bottle is more similiar to that of a liquor bottle. Just as the lowly alcoholic gets his comfort from his whiskey I get mine from admitting my true feelings inside this bottle, mine too is a nasty addiction. If I say anything about how much I care for you and how much pain you're causing me, I'll appear as a "crazy woman" or whatever else fits that same description. When in all reality, I just want to love on you, and you not take me for granted.. is that too much to ask? That you don't break my heart, because you keep doing it, over and over again. It's like you're picking at a scab and scarring me over and over again with your razor blade words. Please, stop. Take a look at what you're doing, please... before I wither away.

Who are we,
When the lights go out.
When everything is dark,
And no one is there.

Who are we,
In the dead of night
Where there is no light
Just the sounds of broken dreams
And of the screams
Of the people who cry

Who are we,
When the parents are screaming
And the children are fleeing
And no one acts as a human being

Who are we,
Behind closed doors.
When the only thing is gore
And nothing else is left anymore

Who are we!?
What have we done with our humanity?
Why doesn't it fit into society?!

There's havoc and war
People so poor
No one opens their doors
No one helps.

Riots for rights!
This isn't right.

So I ask!!
Who are we?
Can't you see
We need to be
The key
To save this destroyed society?!

There's inequality
People sold as property
They are
Sexualized
Beaten
*****
And killed.
People's choices are being stolen!

And we sit by
Idly
Motionless
Doing nothing to help.

What is this?!
A game of hide and go seek with our humanity?!
Well guess who is winning?
No one.

We need to drop our pride and yell Olly Olly Oxen Free!
Who cares of winning?!
What we need is to have them back.
We've gone too long without it.
We're desensitized and that's
Our mind getting fed lies.

Either that or we need to run and chase as fast as we can to find them.
We cannot sit here.
Motionless.
Watching.
Motionless.
Inactive.
Motionless.

Wh­ere are we when the teenage girls are screaming, and getting snatched up?
Where are we when the homeless man is getting beaten in the street?
Where are we when there are hate crimes against other races or people with other ****** preferences sometimes resulting in violence and even death?
Where are we?!
Why are we hiding!?
And why,
Are we motionless?

The moment i realize you're gone, is the moment I die.
More correctly, the person I was dies.
Because who I was with you, was something entirely different than I ever was.
When you left, she was put at a stand still.
Waiting.
But as soon as she knows we're through?
She'll be gone.

Sure, I could meet someone else but they will never be the same as her.
She was something I can't describe.
She was a best friend.
She and I got very close but now,
I can't do anything to save her.

I'm watching her die in front of me,
Very painfully.
Very Slowly.
All she says is,
"Be strong. Be strong.
You can do this.
Smile through it.
I love you..
I always did..
He always did."
And I just have to look down and
Be strong.
And
Smile.
And say I love you too.
And say,
But I don't believe you.

That person will die..
And I will have to bury her.
Then I will grieve.
Then I will move on.
And when I think about her, the person I was with you,
When I think about you.
I'll be a little sad.
But then,
There will be a new me.

A me with no one.
Because this time I'll make me,
And I won't let anyone get close.
I'll travel,
I'll see the stars but from different countries.
I'll look at the horizon from the top of a mountain.
One I climbed,
By myself.
On journeys I took,
By myself.

Because I loved the person I had become.
But losing another person like her will hurt.
Very much.

Plus,
The person you are?
Is the only person,
My person wants.

I may disagree with you sometimes but,
I'd still rather have that,
Than anybody in the world.
Because right now?
It's you,
Or nothing.

I don't want,
Anyone else.
I want you.

So I'll wait.
Waiting with a girl I love,
Me,
As she slowly dies.
No amount of fundraisers
Or spread of awareness can help her.
She and I are waiting,
And waiting...
Waiting to see,
If you will bring her
The medication to save her.
The one drug she needs to save her is something,
Only you can provide.

Yourself.

I am free
Free as a bee
Free to be.
Whoever I say
Is me.

I can be by myself

I am strong.
Stronger than the gust of wind trying to knock me down.
Stronger than the comments of society that say I can't do it.
Stronger than the fear within us all try to rip out our hearts and tear through us.
Stronger than I ever needed to be,
Because I wanted to be.

I am content.
Content with my life and the way I'm living it, which is probably different than yours.
Content with my body so that when I walk by in the dress that I bought because it was on sale and cute as hell and you make comments, I smile and say it's great isn't it?
Content with the family I have, and the friends I surround myself with.
Content with the job I have, whether or not I have people who treat me like a dog because I'm a server.
I'm content with my late night Netflix binges, and my early morning runs.
I'm content with life.

I'm mentally independent.
Independent enough that I know at the end of the day I just need me.
Independent enough to know that I can be there for myself.
Independent enough that being there for others is a great joy and privilege.
Independent enough that I can go eat at a restaurant alone.
Independent enough that I can spend my own money on myself.

I don't NEED anyone.
If you're in my life, it's by choice.
I WANT you there.
So don't lose that privilege.
I've gotten rid of people who didn't appreciate me and who left me out to dry.
Don't think you're an exception.
You wanna be in my life?
Show me.

To the guy who always....
Is there.

To the guy who's always supporting me, when i think I might fall.
The guy who is kinder than words can say.

The guy who makes me feel like I am the queen of a planet.
To the guy who makes me feel like I can do anything.

To the guy with the true laugh,
The true smile.
The guy who I know would, for me, go an extra mile.

To the guy who holds me in his arms,
When the tears of depression, anxiety and other things I can't control burst forth from behind the dam I tried to build.

This is to the guy who tries so hard to make me happy,
To the guy who DOES make me happy.
That's the guy I want.
That's the guy you are.

I know I mess up.
I know you mess up.
But...
Life is messy.
I don't mind cleaning things up with you.

Just so they can get messy again.
Over
And
Over.

Because whether life is clean,
Or messy.

If I'm with you I'd love it all.

It's like weather.
We can dance in the rain and snow, play in the mud, enjoy the sunshine, and hide together from the hail.
The most important part is that even if we don't dance in the rain we can share the umbrella.

I'm not a meteorologist
I don't always know what the weather is gonna be like.
But I promise you
I'll be there in all weather patterns.
So let's look to the sky.

Make shapes out of the clouds.
Like our future, so far away.
But hey,
We're just describing what we see.
They're just clouds,
Floating in the breeze.
Distant possibilities.
For you.
And me.

I spend all of my days, serving.
I wipe tables,
Sweep the floor,
Fix broken things,
Clean the windows.
I make people feel at home,
Feel like everything is taken care of.
I take away the mess. The dirt.
I make everything nice,
And pretty.

But I'm starting to think you're the server now.
You took away my "dirt," my problems.
You fixed my broken parts.
You took care of me,
And made me feel safe.

So what do you say?
Let's wait on each other.

Maybe you aren't a waiter.
Maybe you're a tree.
Through all the seasons, you're still there.

Maybe you're a love song,
Giving me hope and a sense of longing.

Perhaps you're an artist,
Painting the red colors of my cheeks.

Or are you a doctor?
Checking my heart and noticing it's beating very fast, for you.

Or maybe you're just you.
A man who loves me,
Takes care of me,
Cherishes me,
Supports me
And makes me laugh.

You teach me how to love
every
single
day.

When we lay next to each other,
I can't tell where I end and
You begin.

So maybe I don't know what you are,
But I do know,
Who you are.

She stands elicited with fear
She holds a heart in her hands
So fragile, so loving
It's glorious

It's the most delicate thing she will ever hold.
He trusted her with it.
He handed it to her and said
/keep it safe/

So she did
She held her own heart in her left hand

And with her right
She took his heart and put it where hers used to be

He had his hands out for hers

But she was still holding onto it.
Holding on like you would
In the middle of a hurricane.
Holding on like death was at your door
And you were trying to sneak out the back
Holding on because
She was frightened

But she looked in those eyes
A sky full of blue
Full of hope and something she didn't know
And she held out her heart

But she was still frightened, still scared.
Afraid, afraid he'd throw it...

But,
He didn't.
He took it as careful as possible and put it where his used to be.

They had one another's hearts.
And for once,
Neither one of them were shattered.

The scars they shine so bright
What's the use, why try to fight
I hate myself I should die tonight
I shouldn't be here it's not right

Blades are red, my arms are too
I'm so awful not sure what to do
I need someone, not sure who
Someone to call to say I love you

All this I say, it is in the past
The bad thoughts I have don't usually last
Some people stay but most are gone fast
Not much here for me to cast

Not much good here I understand
I'm not that amazing not so grand
But I'll stick by you even when not planned
I'm loyal even if I am bland

I'll love you with every inch of my being
I'll show you yourself, that you are worth seeing
I really hope after you see me you won't be fleeing
For you your insecurity is something you should be freeing

So the past is the past and I shouldn't go back
I'm better now, I think, no longer under attack
I'm still afraid one day it'll all go black
I'll go back to my old ways and my stuff they will pack

One day I'll be all alone again
No more people, no more friends
I'm still afraid just as I was then
This will happen, not if but when

Now this all comes to a close
No more time, it just goes

I see them one last time and say hi
They don't know it I want to cry
This is the last time I will say goodbye
Tonight is the night that I die

Few seconds left I close my eyes
Blackness covers I let out few sighs
I think of those few with which I had ties
I drift off as my body dies

Word after word you flung them at me
It didn't make a difference
My tears you didn't see

All these voices in my head
My own
Other people's

They said
Go **** yourself,
You aren't good enough
You're nothing
You're worthless
You ****

Tears starts to drop
Because if I can't release my emotions
It's the next best thing

My breaths get quicker
I can't move
I reach out for anything to hold onto
Trying to get a grip on my sanity

I gulp for air but there is none
Stupid global warming.
Try to make myself laugh

Doesn't work

So there it is
The corner of the room
The lights are off
So I stare

I try to see the corner where the two walls meet but it's just darkness

It reminds me of us.

Darkness is all I ever see.

The corner of the two walls where they meet

It's staring into a void because in this darkness I can't see.

It's but an empty black hole of nothingness that is waiting for us to venture closer so it can rip our hearts out.

Once again
Reminds me of you.

It's 3:25 in the morning
Why can't i breathe
Why can't I think

The corner of the room
In daylight it looks safe enough
But in the darkness?
It's something you can never trust

Rocking back and forth
Scratching at arms
Because I don't have anything sharper
I was prepared

I start to hear screams and think
I should help
Oh wait
That's me.
I bite my tongue
Bite my hand

Forcing the bloodcurdling noise
To stop

Because
No one wants to hear

No one does

Hide and Go seek was always the game I was best at.
️Hiding is the thing I'm good at

Searching
Scrambling
Throwing things around

Found it

A sigh in relief
Rip in two
Music starts to bleed from my soul
Words drip from my eyes

Regrets of broken promises
Regrets of broken medicine seals
So high my feet can't touch the ground
I move my lips but no sound

Am I a superhero?
Because I'm flying

That corner of the room
That **** corner
The last thing my eyes set on
Forever burned in there
As I fall

To all the elevators that brought me up when I felt down.
To all the friends that brought me high when I felt low.
To all the smiles that stretched across my face when I was frowning.
To all the chances that fell between the space in my fingers,
when they were in the palm of my hand.
To all the tears that escaped my eyes when I was trying to be strong.
To all the heart breaks I had before I met the one.
To all the friends that brought me up when others brought me down.
To all the laughs that escaped my mouth when I was silent.
To all the nights where sleep wouldn't come.
But it did.
But most importantly to all the love that escaped my heart when I had shut it down.

In the words of Taylor Swift
a love story began.
First, he stared at me across the room.
Second, he flirted with me.
Third, we had a casual conversation.
Fourth, he pushed a meatball across the plate to me.
Fifth, he asked me to marry him.
Sixth, he's not real...
My love life....

You come here often?
So do I!
Talking to a book....

Life
Gives us
Very little time.

Invisible in your eyes
I see the reflection of no one
as I glide by.
No one notices
Life inexplicably forgets me.
Invisibility is my lover
I need to run away
Run towards something
That something is Unforgettable.
I will scream my presence.

The world
Will
Hear.

Just Wait..

Words betray me
Eyes deceive me
Lips distract me
Masks cover me

Take my hand,
oh darling,
lead me from this world
of Misery and Pain.

If you do
I'll be yours forever
and ever
as if like True Love

but not.

Wipes a tear
Swallows a cry
There is no fear
Not a question why

She holds her tongue
With some fail
Her voice breaks off
She feels frail

No more fighting
She whispers aloud
I'm so tired of it
She wants to hide in a crowd.

Mom, I'm done
She says as she leaves
She cries and slams the door
and whispers
"Just breathe."

She leans forward, her hair falls in her face.
Much concentration, everything she does is with grace.
The book she has, captivates her eyes.
The only thing she has, that tells no lies.

She can't help it, tears seem to fall.
She thinks no one cares, no one at all.
She looks all around, but there's not one soul.
No one is there, when the bell starts to toll.

She slams the book down, so much pain she feels.
She grabs for her heart, her head still reels.
Screaming her throat out, of her lungs it seems.
She starts to remember her tattered broken dreams.

She stumbles and falls, to the ground she goes.
She pulls her knees to her chest, as this feeling grows.
Her voice gone hoarse, she whispers one final plea.
Everything goes dark as she says ***** me........

Runaway
Runaway
She wishes she could run away

Stay a day
Stay a day
The tell her to stay a day

She tells them no
They say so?
She just wants to go away

Regrets
Regrets
Regrets
She regrets so much
of what she's done.
They tell her to stop,
that it's no fun.

She just cant help it.

If she can't run away
She says she'll draw a map today.

Her map has many,
many lines.
She's tryin'
but just can't stop.

Her map, turns out,
is really her arm
and the lines are her
regrets.

Runaway
Runaway
There's no one left to
*Runaway

She hides the pain,
so that no one can see it.
She has to be strong,
she has to do it alone.
She needs help,
but she knows she can't ask.
She can't feel anything anymore,
She wants to feel something.
Anything!
Even pain.
She's a writer.
Her pen is a razor
and her arm is the paper.
She wrote her story,
crying as she did.
She wishes her story was
**over.