You came into our lives, a new family member found. But soon your plot of manipulation had my family bound. Not all, just the most important one. One you remind on a daily basis, you are his son. You have lied and conned, and scammed your way into his guilt-ridden mind. But what you now realize is that, with this daughter, resistance you will find. Of the three, you think you are the smartest and strongest. But I am smarter, stronger, and most important, been here longest. For the man you wish to deceive, I would do anything. Because in my life, he has given me everything. He has been my protector, my guardian angel, my savior. And a man like that doesn't deserve your criminal behavior. So, let me make this very clear for your slow mind to understand. If you try to break my family, what you will meet is my hand. You're a small man with no morals to speak of. For a strong woman like me, very easy to dispose of. Be careful "brother", your secrets and lies run deep. Up against someone like me, the truth you won't be able to keep. You will be exposed for the snake you are just like the one who bore you. That poisonous apple didn't fall far from the tree, liars both you two. This is but a warning, but do not make the mistake to take it lightly. Because this "sister" is ready to act, if you try to move, however slightly.
I walk through my day, mindlessly continuing my routine. Day becomes night over and over; the months careen down a spiral toward blackness that lies ugly and mean. I converse and interact, yet my words and actions go unseen. Many depend on me for plenty in their full existence and they are never met with the least bit of resistance. I work, I nurture, I provide, I worry, and I cry without a single one of them asking me why. They are mine and the responsibility I shoulder without question. Yet, when it comes to me, I am treated with dismissal and rejection. How can those I have devoted so much to be so uncaring and mean? How, when my life revolves around them and theirs, do I remain unseen?
I don't want to open my weary eyes. I can hear the sound of my own cries. Life is like a black hole of nothing. I'm barely holding on by a string. I wish I could just let go and fall. Release my grip and leave it all.
All of them would be better off without me. No one understands how happy they would be. Giving up should be so easy to do. But the hardest part is giving up you. I brought two beautiful lives into this world. Now I feel their contempt as insults they hurl.
Money is better than a mother overbearing. Even if all I meant to convey was caring. I wish I could have been both mom and dad. But in the end, unfortunately, I was all you had. I'm sorry because I was never enough. Maybe now you both will have a life less tough.
I remember when I started kindergarten, tiny and scared. People were confused by this little girl, tan-skinned and curly-haired. What is she? They all wanted to know. Perplexed they were because my ethnicity didn't show. Is she white? Is she brown? Is she black? All their questions showing the knowledge they lack.
For your own selfish purposes, you can't put people in a box. Because once they're inside you begin to secure all the locks. It's what makes some insecure people feel secure and safe. To put each person in what they believe is their proper place. Each part of my heritage contributes to the strong woman I am. You see, there is no box big enough for me in which for you to cram.
I see the world separating itself into colors; black, brown, and white. Separation never leads to unification and it only leads to stress and strife. If we look back, we were all prospering together not so long ago. But now, under new rule, the future looks bleak and recovery is slow. Lockdowns, face masks, corruption, and fake news have become the norm. Without thought of the effects on our children whose minds are just beginning to form.
We have become a country full of internal struggle. All due to a select few people who could use a muzzle. Insurrection lies at every turn, except the one place they look. As history gets erased daily; every statue, street name, or book. America may not be perfect and its history may be full of hate. But the ills of the past reparations and reverse discrimination will not sate.
Only when we look to the past can we correct the mistakes made. None of us are our ancestors and we shouldn't be punished or paid. We've come a long way since then and it must be recognized. Our progress may not be fast enough for some but it's something to be prized. I want our children to grow and learn from our unique history. I don't want them to have to search for it like some big mystery.
So, to that tiny, picked-on girl I used to be. The most important thing about you is that you are free. It's not that you have to choose between blacks, browns, and whites. It's that you stand up for each and every one of your constitutional rights. As for this woman I am, many things that, unfortunately, you'll never see. Because the world is now too focused on the color of my skin to ever really see me.
America. Known famously as the melting ***. It's suddenly become more important than ever if you're white or not. We've spent years creating a society that tries to be color blind. Now, no matter where you look, talks about the color of your skin are all you will find. Everyone, besides Native Americans, is an immigrant here. The color of anyone's skin is no longer so clear. How do we separate all the different races? I see many different races when I look into people's faces. Because I am a Republican, I have been accused of White Privilege. I choose to measure people based on their actions and knowledge. The hilarious thing is I'm being judged and I am not all white. Turns out, that doesn't matter as long as I belong to the party on the right. I supported, contributed to, and voted for Trump. That makes me worse in the eyes of the left than a ***** with a ****. I'm a minority in more ways than one. But the amount of ***** that they give is none. I have a job, no welfare or Medicaid here. But, for people coming into this country illegally, their fate is clear. A free ride, where Americans like me, are left to take it in the rear. Tax increases, unaffordable healthcare, no more free speech due to fear. Everything you say that doesn't align with their agenda will be erased. Just like they'll cancel you if their values and ideas are not embraced. I am a woman and my heritage draws from many different places. French, Honduran, Puerto Rican, English, German, and Italian; just to name a few. We are all a mixture of many different backgrounds and races, even you. Yet, I'm accused of White Privilege, based on politics alone. So what if I work hard, pay my own bills, and own my home. I believe All Lives Matter, not just the black ones. Because no one is all black or all white, not our daughters or sons. We'll never be united and strong until we realize this obvious fact. America has been weakened in the eyes of the world based on the "victim act". Slavey is a thing of the past and we should leave it where it lies. Any society that tries to erase or forget its history eventually dies. Republican or Democrat, we're all Americans here. So, I won't be silenced out of fear. A member of the working middle class. I'll say what I want, keep my gun, and the left can kiss my ***.
Have you been canceled? Just wait, it'll happen. It's coming for you too! Watch what you say. Watch what you post. Watch everything you do. Because, whether you realize it or not,... They're watching you!!!!
Before you go, there are some things I wanted you to know.
First, we all love you and will miss you, but not as much as one. That one is the one who has, since you were born, called you son. He will mourn your leaving in a way you won't understand. That is until the day you have to say goodbye and shake your own son's hand. I know you'll be worrying about him and missing him too. But trust me it will be a fraction of how much he'll be worrying about and missing you. But, I promise to look after him and take care of him in every way I possibly can. So, you don't have to worry so much; just go off and become your own man. I know how much you love your dad, trust me so does he. But I need you to know that he's going to be alright, just please trust in me.
Second, he's not the only one who will miss you when you go. I will miss your face around here and worry about you more than you know. I would do anything in my power to make sure that you are happy. And I promise to be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen whether things are good or ******. Charlie will also miss you dearly because you have been a great big brother to him. And for that, you've earned a special place in his heart that won't go away on a whim. I know Anthony isn't very emotional and doesn't show it but he will miss you too. He's had a rough life, I know you wouldn't know it to look at him now, but it's true. It's hard to break his outer shell and get close to him, that's how I know there's something special about you. Because even though he's hard to get close to, he considers you a brother too.
Third, I hope you know that you will always have a safe place to land. When life gets tough or you lose your way and just need someone to hold your hand. We are all so proud of the man that you are becoming and the future that lays ahead for you. We stand behind each choice you make, no matter what it is in life you decide to do. We will be there for every big moment that comes in your life. Whether it's having your first child or taking a wife. Because when I married your dad we made each other certain promises that we intend to keep. If something happens to one of us; the other will look after all you boys, the whole heap. I think you're an amazing young man and in the time we've had together I feel we've formed a bond and I am proud to call you one of my boys. So, you're stuck with me for the long haul; that includes Charlie and Anthony too, and even my mother with all her noise.
Last, but most important of all, you can do this and we believe in you. When you start to doubt yourself, just remember that there is no limit to what you can do. You will get homesick, but remember that we are at home sick missing you. So, just put your head down, don't give up on yourself and push your way through. Always do your best and there is nothing you can do that could ever change the way we feel about you. We couldn't be prouder of the way you've taken control of your life and the bravery and heart you've shown in all you do. The career you desire and deserve is there for the taking. Your life is all laid out ahead of you; yours for the making. See, I've told you before that you are one of mine now and that means a lot. It means that no matter where you go, I am always here for you to love you, whether I'm your real mom or not.
I'm sorry I had to get all sappy, but these are just some things I wanted you to know. Before you go.
For my son, Devin Guelfo. He is leaving us to start his military career in the U.S. Army tomorrow and, while we will miss him terribly, we are extremely proud of the young man he has become and we love him.
She wields her power over those she claims to love most. Her words are like daggers meant to turn you into a ghost. The only thing that matters to her is being the center of attention. She will complain and cry if, in every conversation, she doesn't get a mention. Her desire is to be respected and worshiped even if it's not earned. The power of her guilt and wrath quickly she learned. She is quick to remind her children of her hard work and sacrifices. All the while complaining of her husband's insensitivity and vices. She demands all to shower her with phone calls and invitations for every meal she eats. While behind their backs, she is talking poorly of them to everyone she meets. She never owns her actions and lies to protect her manipulative games. While she gossips and admonishes worst those with her own name. She is old and bored but that's not an excuse for her controlling hands. Creating drama wherever she goes is not the way to get people to meet her demands. But for some strange reason, this power they allow her to use against them all. If her bidding is not done, they are left to feel guilt-ridden and small. Look at all she's done for them and all she's had to give up. It's her turn now to reap some benefits, so pass her the cup. She doesn't know they are just biding their time until the day she leaves this earth. Because only then will they be free of anxiety and stress and maybe regain some self-worth. To make her happy is an impossibility, that they are beginning to realize. The only thing she wishes for them is guilt and what she says of one to the other is all lies. Still they try to make her happy and when she cries her fake tears, they try even harder. Please get her a cross, a hammer, and some nails for she has claimed her place as The Martyr!
I was young, beautiful, smart, and my life was just beginning. You were older, more conniving and from the start, it was all about winning. I was just another shiny trophy and you pursued me with such haste. You stole my life with your lies; my God, what a sorrowful waste. Your life, so different from mine, filled with money, power, and corruption. Your courtship of me, so swift, cunning, and well-planned, was almost an abduction.
That in the beginning I was treated like a princess, of that there is no doubt. Who knew a plumber could make more than a doctor and have just as much clout. Your true self you could not hide for long, and I soon realized all was staged. And, just like a princess captured by a monster, I was soon locked away and caged. I was lied to and misled, I wanted nothing more than to escape but I couldn't get out of your lair. You see, I had made one tiny mistake before you were unmasked, I had given you an heir.
So, I stuck it out, like a lot of women do, in hopes things would get better. But they only got worse, every day a nightmare, and daily my tears grew wetter. You perversely watched everything I did all day with cameras all around me. I soon realized I had lost myself, I was just a decoration for you, there never was a "we". You restricted everything I did, everywhere I went, every penny I spent, all to keep me close. And when I dared to question you, you would rip me to shreds with hateful, soul-stealing prose.
And just when I thought things couldn't get worse, that's when I was introduced to your inner monster. Your sick perversions, the wigs and costumes I was forced to wear, the acts I was forced to perform, I lost myself and you won her. Thinning limbs and hair, new pale complexion, my body wasting away with my soul. I knew I had to run away, but your threats of how no one would ever find my body in the river kept me in my hole. I would have done the job for you, taken my own life to end the pain, but one tiny innocent face stopped me and kept me in my place. You knew this, of course, so you kept up your torture, its intensity ever escalating so much that I couldn't keep up with its pace.
Then one day, a breaking point came after a night whose incomprehensibly horrific events are unparalleled. At dawn, as you cut up checkbook and credit cards, your words rang in my ears "Get used to it, this is your life now!", I was suddenly self-compelled, I had been praying for someone to notice and acknowledge the lie beneath the perfect outward facade, because I was too afraid to tell. But when my mother came over that day somehow I found my voice, and once the truth spilled out of me, I let out a long anguished yell. That yell was filled with everything I had been holding inside for so long: pain, embarrassment, terror, and utter humiliation. For I was so broken down by you, I was just a shell, a product of your abusive, controlling, mind and soul annihilation.
Then the race began to free me from the gilded cage you kept me in like a once free and beautiful animal broken of its spirit. Family members gathering, placing phone calls, packing bags, making plans; my fear of being caught too overwhelming to hear it. And caught we were; when you came home on an instinct that I may try to run, that you had finally pushed too far. I cowered hiding inside with my beautiful perfect boy as my mother screamed and cursed at you, but never stopped loading the car. An image of myself and my father sitting in your living room as he yelled with the greatest of anger, "Look at my daughter, you have broken her!". You began to argue, but against a man, not a small woman, you soon gave in with my father saying, "I am taking my daughter and grandson. Let them go or I could **** you if you prefer!".
That day I remember being in the back seat with my son as we drove away from my personal hell, and I was shaking so hard it shook the seat in front of me. My father pretended not to notice and instead spoke of how he wished he had known sooner and how different things would be. My fear was still all I could feel and I just knew deep inside that you would never let me go. No matter what I did or where I went, you had private investigators let you know. It took years of therapy, anxiety and depression, PTSD, countless court battles, and money spent on lawyers to make myself whole again. But I finally won the one thing I wanted most, my son, and after that, I felt free of you and like my life could at last begin.
You've threatened me with slander and defamation if I ever told my story; you've called me a liar too. You have only admitted to all your evils once, in the one marriage counseling session that the courts forced me to do. After the therapist listened, horrified by what he was hearing, he finally called what you had done to me, ****. You screamed and protested, but when he asked what you would call it you had no answer and it was your turn to escape. I thanked the therapist, a stranger to me, for finally acknowledging, confirming, and giving validation to all that I had lived through. As I walked to my car, I realized I was no longer looking over my shoulder and my mind wasn't filled with fear; I was no longer afraid of you.
I remember you as a timid but tough little girl. You, so annoyed with your hair's stubborn mass of pretty curls. Undeniably beautiful right from the start. It was clear you were sent to captivate everyone's heart.
I must say, it was a compliment when others thought you belonged to me. And it's crossed my mind, that's the way it was intended to be. "She looks just like you." I've heard it more times than I can count. How many daughters do I have, 1, that's the amount.
So alike in so many ways, not just who we each see in the mirror. But as time goes on and life takes its toll, our similarities are much clearer. Neither of us asked for the hands we've been dealt. No one could understand all the betrayal and pain we each have felt.
You're just starting out on life's unpredictable journey, bold but still shy. I often ask myself what I can do to help, the reason I was put here in your life, why? I can only try to be an example of what strength through extreme adversity should be. And make sure that you know, when life throws adversity your way, you can always turn to me.
Your life so far isn't what you imagined it would be, I'm sure. But trust me beautiful girl, your innocence in it all is pure. You carry the heavy weight of the world on your tiny shoulders. Your life will never be as amazing as it's meant to be until you drop those boulders.
A father's love, so yearned for yet unreceived. A mother whose own interest is all she can conceive. Feeling abandoned, unwanted, lost. That turns to anger and feeling crossed.
Trust me when I say, these feelings are no strangers to me. My life has had many nightmares that no matter how hard I try I can still see. So many scars and afraid to be alone, I grasp for love where I can get it. Then I push it away before they can leave and get the last hit.
I see that in you and it makes me so sad. I hurt for you and the life that you've already had. I can see glimpses of the unique amazing woman you will be. But only when you let your guard down and allow me to see.
What advice can I give to help you get through your pain. When life can seem so unfair and make you feel insane. All I can say is our pain makes us who we are. It's how we handle it that determines where we'll go, how far.
And you have so much strength inside you that you don't even see. But your strong, gorgeousness is visible to everyone, not just me. And for those in your life who choose not to look. It's their tremendous loss and just chapters in your life's book.
You aren't meant to pay for your parents' sins. Let them carry their burdens or it's them who wins. You are meant for greater things. And it's close to time for you to spread your wings.
Your story is just beginning and I can't wait to see where life takes you. I'm just happy that you allow me to come along for the ride too. I look at you and can still see that beautiful shy little girl. But I also see a stunning young woman ready to take on the world.
Please remember there are plenty who love you, myself included. So when life starts hitting hard and you want to give up, don't get deluded. You'll always have a soft place to land and heal your wounds. Ears to listen, shoulders to lean or cry on, and people who would give you all the stars, suns and moons.
I look at your lovely face, see your fearless nature and I need you to know that I am so proud. "She is strong, intelligent, beautiful, kind, loving, and deserves a wonderful life." I wish I could scream out loud. And when you go off to fulfill all that life has in store for you, we will all miss ya! Because there is only one; unique and painfully beautiful, ALYSSA!
For Alyssa, my amazing goddaughter and niece. Nanny loves you! You inspire me!
So many shots thrown Anonymous; unknown A warning for other women unsuspecting Met with lies and fools projecting The truth hurts worse than any lie That bell rang true with both, they can't deny That explains the backlash, so excessive Lies like theirs are below me, no need to be expressive I choose to rise above, not far to go When the attackers come from so low All know where I am, never hard to find But it's easier to attack with a screen to hide behind Their mistakes libelous and illegal My attorney involved, I can keep it regal My head held high, my heart filled with bliss The jealously that fuels them is in my husband's kiss My happiness, my best revenge My reputation, no need to avenge Those that matter know my soul Place them where they belong, back in their hole They try to silence my creative voice But the first amendment protects my choice I choose to write what I experience and what I feel No one can silence my means of dealing, my right to heal By no means unable or afraid to respond But they're fear causes them to bypass me and reach for those beyond Too strong an adversary I have proven to be So they would rather chirp like crickets than bring it straight to me I'll continue to thrive with happiness and pride My loyal family and friends aligned at my side I will dismiss with the wave of a hand and a laugh The rants of those not worth a minute, not even half I will rise above, rise above, rise above Fueled by family, friends, loyalty and love
Oh how quickly your loyalties change Something foreign to me, I find it so strange Today you love me, tomorrow you're gone The way your feelings wain is nothing but wrong You allow havoc to be wreaked by the next It really does **** to be your ex Those you once called your family, your reason to be Are offered up to this pig like a buffet that's free She has no class and lacks good breeding As she waddles up to the trough for her feeding You allow her to root and rut until she's had her fill And even though you know she's wrong, you defend her still Not quite sure if she's a bartender, a stripper or just a common ***** When I saw pictures of her puffy painted up face, my jaw hit the floor I can hardly believe you went from someone like me, true class To some ***** who is nothing more than a nasty piece of *** She's attacked not just me but my children as well And for that she's earned her special place in hell And you, who once said you would protect these kids with your life You sure threw them to the pig once I said I didn't want to be your wife You'll find that the pig will eventually turn on and devour you too She'll attack you and feed on you while I laugh for all you put me through But after you've gotten what's coming to you, let's not forget the pig We'll slaughter her, roast her, and slice her up for a feast so big We'll invite all our friends and family to eat, and during the blessing We'll tell them what to do with an *** and a pig who need to be taught the karma lesson
This poem is written for my ex Terry Sarrazin II, one of the biggest lying con artists to ever live, and his new psychotic girlfriend, JeAnna Wheat (or JeAnna La'Ray as she uses as her alias/stripper name) for the drama they are currently attempting to bring to my family. But we are stronger and will rise above the trash!
We must be careful with every word we say. Because others will always take things the wrong way. Each feeling we have will have its own day. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to stay. Each emotion is entitled its time to be expressed. But in the wrong hands they can cause us to be stressed. I wish the world would grant me the same right to feel it gives itself. Until then I guess I'll keep my feelings and emotions locked in a box upon my shelf.
There are days when my limbs don't cooperate when I tell them to move and leave the bed. My pillow seems to be made of quicksand slowly swallowing up my head. My mood is nothing; I'm not happy, I'm not sad. But the day certainly isn't starting well, it's actually quite bad. There are thoughts inside my head that I'm trying not to think. I don't want to face my lover's problems or his propensity to drink. If I did, I would have to let go of a dream I've just begun to dream. And then I would have to admit begrudgingly that things aren't what they seem. All I want is to be happy and to have someone in my life. Someone who cares enough for me to one day make me their wife. You would think that wouldn't be too much to ask but it keeps eluding me. I'm beginning to think the happy ending I've been dreaming of just isn't meant to be. I've dealt with all the horrors that have been thrown my way. All in the hope that love would find me and things would get easier someday. Maybe I would find someone who could share the responsibilities and the strain. But so far all I've found are those determined to cause me even more pain. I keep trying to find that one to sweep me off my feet. But each time they hand me the broom the second that we meet. I'm tired of being the breadwinner, the one to always provide. When will I be the one taken care of instead of taken for a ride? I'm getting tired of being let down, I'm just about ready to quit. Because each man is worse than the last and my heart can't take anymore of this ****. It's been picked up and put back together, only to be thrown back on the floor. But a lack of self worth and insecurity keeps me going back for more. It's been stomped on, cursed at, sliced up and burned. And a jaded, untrusting woman is what all this abuse has spurned. No wonder my body doesn't want to rise to meet another day. It knows all too well what hurdles will be standing in its way. I wish I could be more optimistic and force myself to move. But I'm starting to give up on love and life, they have a lot to prove. They've disappointed me so far time and time again. Everyone says not to give up, but the question I have is WHEN?
Babies, babies everywhere Usually it's your opinion I share We're too old, too tired, too busy But the babies all around me are making me dizzy
I'm rational, realistic and levelheaded It would be enough for me if we were just wedded Barely in our forties, but our youth in the past But I feel that the baby window is closing fast
We each have our own and have been down this road a time or two But they're all growing up so fast, and I've never gotten to have one with you Robbed of that chance, I feel like we missed out on what should've been our life, our destiny But I feel blessed for the boys we have and I will be happy if that's all that's meant to be
Babies are loud and they're too expensive And, truthfully, I really do like the way we live So many obstacles stand in the way A vasectomy, decreased fertility, how to pay
It all gets so technical and sterile and void of romance I wonder if there is even the slightest chance All the procedures we'd need to endure So with this decision, we both must be sure
Will we regret it and wish we had chosen a different path I don't want to end up in the poor house for not doing the math I'm so busy, would a surrogate be the way to go A nanny is fine for after, but with a surrogate, can a bond grow
Then there's the smell of their hair That special bond that only you two share The way they hold onto you as if you hold the key to their heart The look of total terror in their eyes whenever you must part
A small piece of me and a small piece of you Someone we create together, something we chose to do The one we were supposed to have years ago The dream that neither of us quite let go
Here we are, decades later, together again Has too much time passed, too much life been Or was it always meant to be this way, We're older and wiser and more ready today
It may never work and I need you to know, that I'm happy with just us if that's God's plan But if this is possible and my last chance, then I know you are the perfect man They'll all talk about us and say we're too old and crazy But this is how I chose to tell you, I'd like to try to have your baby
A topic of much discussion lately in my home. Since he started reading my poetry on here, I thought this may be a unique way to tell him that I would like to go on this journey with him. That is, if he's game?
I watch you while you're sleeping You don't even seem to know I watch your chest rise and fall First quickly, then oh so slow
My thoughts turn naughty quickly and I wonder how much it would take As I rub my naked ******* against your chest, to ****** you awake
I start to touch you and hear you purr Then I feel my own familiar warm stir
I turn my back to you and feel your poke I reach behind me and with my hand, I stroke
You're awake now in every way And you sense correctly that I want to play
I push back against you and guide you between my thighs You rub against me and feel my heat and wetness and hear my sighs
You know I want you inside me, I can't wait You decide to artfully tease me, prolonging our fate
I moan in protest, but your mouth covers mine My breath is warm in that mouth as I beg you to take me from behind
You smile and take one ****** and start to softly bite Then you're under the covers and out of sight
I feel your mouth on me licking, *******, tasting You lap up every drop of me, never one for wasting
Then I feel your fingers expertly start to explore Coupled with your mouth on me, it's more than I can endure
I'm quickly sent over the edge, my body shaking with pleasure And then I feel your tongue inside me collecting all your treasure
Slowly I come back to reality as you slide your perfect nakedness back up to meet me You kiss me long and hard and I taste myself on your lips and inside me is where I need you to be
You're pushing against my wet entrance and inside me you begin to slide To the place that's silently screaming for you so very deep inside
You're so big and long that it takes a few strokes and a sharp intake of breath, before I can take you all in The mixture of the pain your size causes and the pleasure of my sated desire, the very definition of sin
You entice and explore parts of me never touched before I push up with my hips rhythmically, wanting and needing more
You growl and moan into my ear and I say breathlessly, "I am all yours" Your movements increase with speed until you're pounding against my pelvic floor
This sends your body into a series of ****** convulsive jerks And this is a feeling I can never resist, one that always works
As I feel your powerful release deep inside of me My ****** meets yours pulling you in where you were meant to be
We collapse together, bodies intertwined, shaking and covered in sweat We can't help but smile in exhausted happiness now, with all our desires met
Our breathing is ragged, your back marked with the red lines of my claw I am throbbing and aching and I know that later I'll be sore and raw
None of this matters to us now as we drift off to sleep in a naked embrace Because we both know we'll do it again even before our hearts return to their normal pace
Every night I try in vain To stop hearing your name But you follow me from room to room Filling my mind and heart with doom I can't stop the thoughts as they come Sleep eludes me even though I need some You chose to leave me in the most final way Memories will haunt me forever from that awful day So, since it was your choice to leave and not mine It would be great if you could give my mind some time It needs to rest, to stop, to sleep Please let tonight be the one I don't weep
I look for you everywhere. Each one like you makes me stare. It's like a little game I play. I can't accept that you went away. Are they hiding you to keep you safe? I wish just once I could see your face. I refuse to believe you would make that choice. Especially when sometimes I can still hear your voice.
I dream of the day you walk through the door. I promise to forgive and love you even more. I won't ask any questions, this I swear. I'll leave here and follow you anywhere. Are you watching us from afar? Was that you in the passing car? Please stop this game you're playing with me. Come back home where you're supposed to be.
Today I go to visit you. Now pretending is hard to do. The truth is something I must face. As I walk through the others in this place. The game must stop here where I cry all alone. As I trace your name with my finger and kiss your headstone. You're gone and never coming back. No amount of pretending will change that fact.
Seducing you away from me. Stealing what our future could be. I try so hard, but I just can't compete. When you'll do anything for your whiskey.
I can dress really **** and fix my hair. I can do my makeup and put on heels, my highest pair. But when you start sweating and your hands are shaking, She's calling to you, and only she can stop your aching.
You'll make excuses and tell me lies. To have her near, right by your side. She's your mistress in a bottle, she tastes so sweet. It doesn't matter what I do, with her you'll always cheat.
I'll never forget the amount of time I had to save the life of the man I loved, 34 minutes. Later, they would say I did everything right, but they couldn't be more wrong, could they. If that were true, a beautiful life would remain instead of the legacy of pain and death that has followed every day since. Besides, who is it that determines what is right and wrong in situations like these. I've begged God for those 34 minutes back, to have another chance to get it right and not fail him this time, but God isn't listening just as he wasn't that night.
I made the call for help, the only one I thought would make a difference. I called who I always called for protection and help, my father, not just mine but like a father to him as well. A call made in desperation, a call made out of fear and panic. Had I known the burden I was placing on shoulders I've always felt were beyond limit, I might have made a different call. I know now that, because of that call, the regret and guilt and self-doubt that I carry are carried by my father as well.
Did we do the right thing? What could've been said or done differently to change the outcome? The truth is we'll never know and the not knowing is the cross we both have to bare each and every day. 34 minutes from that phone call to the gunshot that ultimately became the single most horrific and defining moment of my life. The moment that serves as both the starting point and ending point for all events to come before and after. The moment that serves as both an internal compass and measuring stick for all progress and demise.
A dark quiet family home in a good neighborhood, where most were making their way to bed for the night. A place where things like this weren't supposed to happen, not to people like us anyway. Civil servants, a policeman and a nurse, paying our taxes and raising our children and living our lives right. Our two perfect little princes asleep in their beds, unaware of the bomb about to implode in their tiny worlds. An alert family pet with an instinctual sense of something amiss and at the ready to protect at all cost.
34 minutes for a husband to say goodbye, caught in emotional turmoil between his unwavering love for his family and a sense of loyalty to men he calls brothers. Secrets, held for reasons of protection and self-preservation, suddenly brought to light for the whole world to see and judge. Hopelessness for a future of unimaginable shame and consequences for impossible decisions already made. Actions carefully planned and taken to end an overwhelming and unbearable pain, which didn't quite go as planned, so a new plan had to be put into action. A desire to hold on to the love he was about to leave forever, overshadowed by the mental inability to face the uncertainty of what lay ahead.
34 minutes for a wife, so devoted and terrified, to say the things that would change his mind and save them both. I said everything I thought would matter and searched my mind for something more. I ran the gamut of emotions, trying to sway his disillusioned mind or gain control of the situation. Through my tears and pleas and cries and begging for reconsideration came his screams and threats and tears and professions of love. I was rational and emotional and weak, which was no match for his incoherence and determination and strength.
Then the doorbell rang and I looked at the clock where 34 minutes had passed and my time is up. Maybe my father could help where I had failed but deep down I felt my husband, my love, slip from my grasp. My father tried to reason but was met with his mounting anger and pleas to take me and our boys and leave. With weapon already present, my father had no choice but to take his grandsons and daughter to safety. As I argued with my father to take the boys and leave me there, the screams from inside the house for just me to stay were getting louder and angrier, and I was torn between staying with my love and maybe having him take me with him and leaving with my boys who are the truly helpless innocent victims in this tragedy.
My father in his immense love for me and his grandsons made the right decision for me, for I would have undoubtably chosen wrong. We sent help and it arrived quickly, but I knew when I crossed the threshold to leave, I left everything I knew and loved behind. My husband, the center of my world, was gone and I failed in the 34 minutes I was given to save him. 34 minutes that have haunted me every day since, each one I have relived millions of times. 34 minutes which cause me so much pain to remember but I am terrified to forget because they are my last 34 minutes with him.
34 minutes, too short to sum up the love in my heart and the hearts of our boys for him. 34 minutes to convince him that everything would be alright and that he would make it through because we would be right beside him. 34 minutes to make him realize all the experiences and moments he would be missing out on as our boys grew into the men he would help mold them into. 34 minutes to convey the pain and heartache and utter carnage he would leave in his wake as we tried to pick up the pieces of our broken lives and go on without him. 34 minutes, not long enough to change his mind which was already made up, but long enough to change the way my mind thinks about everything forever.
I've always loved looking into your eyes I've always found them **** and disarming I've never been able to resist you when you look at me in your sultry way Those eyes have always said so much to me Some things you wanted them to say, some things you didn't
When our eyes meet, I see so many things I see my best friend I see my protector I see my lover I see how much you love me I see the reflection of my love for you I see our future filled with so much joy I see our smiling faces on our wedding day I see our babies yet to be born
But behind those gorgeous, smiling eyes I see the secrets you hide I see the pain of years past and things done I see the scenes you've tried so hard to wash from your memory I see the slow chiseling away of the happy young man I remember I see the soldier following questionable orders I see the sorrow of a shepard leading his flock into destruction I see the heaviness of the loss on your shoulders I see the loneliness of separation of a man from his brothers I see the strong self confidence fading with each passing year I see the anxiety and the jumpiness and constant vigilance I see the nightmares that **** you into sleeplessness
I see all these things and I want to wrap you in my arms I want to ask what happened to you that's changed you this way I want to hold you until all that pain I see disappears I want to kiss you so long and deep that I consume some of the things you keep hidden I want to take those memories into myself to lighten the burden you carry I want to be a light in the darkness for you I want so much for you to unload all you keep hidden behind those eyes I want you to trust me with all of it because I can handle it I can be strong for you the same way you're strong for me I wish for this so often and one day maybe it will come
But for now, I have to settle for making those eyes outwardly happy One day you may allow me to help heal the beautiful soul behind those eyes Those eyes that house so many conflicting emotions Happiness, sadness, pride, shame, anxiety, fear, and hope Hope for a better future to help forget I've always loved your eyes and I will always love everything behind them
The second time around, conversation is so much easier The second time around, the walls are so much lower The second time around, simply laying with you is heaven The second time around, the hugs are warmer and so much tighter The second time around, each touch is more electrically charged The second time around, each kiss is deeper and more tender The second time around, your arms feel just like home to me The second time around, each "I love you" means so much more The second time around, you know just what my body needs and wants The second time around, pleasing you is both my goal and my undoing The second time around, each time we make love is like the first time The second time around, I am more terrified than the first Because the second time around, I know exactly what I'll be losing if I lose you again
Cold, heartless, unaffectionate, incapable of giving or receiving love Are they right? Materialistic, narcissistic, manipulative, cheater, thief, liar Are they right? Ugly, fat, short, unfashionable, easily forgettable, so replaceable Are they right? Untalented, uneducated, unmotivated, insane Are they right? Stupid ****, fat *****, dumb ***** Are the right? Nasty ****, stuck up, snotty ******* Are they right?
Could they be right? Is this me? Am I not what I thought I was? Do they see me more clearly than I see myself? Is that possible?
Where are you now, not where you said Are you with her now, thoughts cloud my head Why don't you call, you said you would Is it her you dial, when it's clearly me you should Are you lying next to her, spent from love made Is she in your arms, where many others have laid In that place you said was only mine, another broken promise made You've left me here cut by your lies, without so much as a bandaid How is it so easy for you to tell these lies, the ones told to so many before me Why did you choose me to do this to, more importantly why did I not flee First signs are easy to explain away, but the truth has been so clear for so long I was trying so hard, to make right out of someone so plainly wrong I knew in the end, you would take all there was to take Leaving behind without a care, a mess of broken hearts in your wake On to the next group of lives to destroy, without a backward glance Such a seasoned con man, they'll hardly stand a chance Lies are what you bathe in each day, before descending upon your prey Looking for your next opportunity, to further you on your way You're a liar and a con artist, taking from each latched upon soul It doesn't matter to you, how very young or how old You have no moral compass, to show you right from wrong It's like a second nature to you, you've been doing this so long Liar, cheater, *******, douchbag, pathetic, worthless, ***** All names for you rooted in truth, that's why they'll always stick
You've listened enough to know what to say Your words cut deep as you fire your stored ammunition I thought I was unveiling my soul and finally sharing myself completely You were filing away the daggers you would later hurl back at me Please don't leave me, it's you I beg
Your voice is rising, the insults growing more nasty with each octave I search my mind for ways to fix all you say is wrong as my tears fall You feel like you're settling, you can do so much better than me I'm desperate to figure out what you need me to be and transform myself Please don't leave me, I plead with you
You're making excuses, why do I make you hurt me like this, it's my fault I try to remember what I said or did that pushed your buttons this time You stand over me yelling for me to stop crying and hand me a napkin It's then that I see the blood dripping on the bedspread and wipe my nose Please don't leave me, my voice a whisper and you not even listening
You pack your bags to go as I beg and plead for you to stay I know there's someone else and I say that it's ok, I'll say anything You say you've had enough of me, crying, whining, making you feel bad I say I'll change, I can't live without you, I'll love you better, I promise Please don't leave me, I sob as the door closes in my face
You leave me with nothing but dried blood on the bedspread and tears I wonder how I can go on without you and how I'll be able to breathe Breathe, every breath so thick it sticks in my chest I can't go on without you, no more breath, the razor slides across my skin Please leave me, now it's my blood and my existence I'm speaking to
As the water in the tub turns from clear to crimson, it's his face I see I start to sink down, it's then I begin to wonder if it was really all my fault I hear his words, remember my tears, feel his fist, ******* blood It wasn't me, I think this much too late and I need to stop it but I can't Please don't leave me, it's me that I'm pleading with now, or maybe it's God
I realize as my conscious fades that I was not the problem I deserved better and didn't see it, he cast such a large shadow I saw nothing but him His words were the only truth I could hear, his actions all for my own good How could love blind me so, how could I choose so quickly to go Please don't leave me, my life is ebbing from my veins and my pleas are not answered, they are too late
Another year gone by This would've been our ninth But you left this world before our third I still remember our wedding day My dress, your tux, our vows Vows, til death do us part You chose death and our fairytale ended Ripped from the storybook Crumpled and discarded Me left alone with only memories of you This day I remember our wedding But another anniversary has overshadowed this one That is the one of your death A day so burned on my soul that I still smell the singed remnants of our future lost Today on what would've been, what could've been I imagine and I dream of things that will never come to be Happy lonely anniversary to me
That first look That first smile The embrace so many years lost The way it feels like no time has passed The perfect fit of my frame in his arms Arms I haven’t felt in so long The stolen glances as we walk along The familiarity of his face, his eyes, his smile, his voice The flutter in my chest as we’re seated facing one another I wonder if he feels my stare, whether he senses my nervousness at his closeness I notice the way the light shines in his eyes as he watches me so attentively A glass of wine for me, a beer for him and we begin to relax The smiles never leave our faces but the conversation continues more easily Then I put my hand on his arm, an action done thousands of times years ago, and there it is That chemistry so powerfully charged it’s palpable I wonder if those around us can feel what’s happening in such close proximity to them He is feeling the same sensation, I can see it in those eyes that had such power over me in the past I imagine what his mouth would taste like on mine, will it be the same I wonder how his body would feel enveloping mine, this starts a physical reaction beyond control I want to taste his lips and feel his hands on my body As soon as we’re alone I am powerless against my attraction to him, my need for him, once again Years melt away as our lips find their way back to the place they used to know so well And I am that young girl again aching for his hands to navigate their way over my body I want to feel his reaction to me, so I take him into my hands and it sends my body into overdrive I have to feel him inside me, I have to know if we still fit perfectly together Inside the constricted space of his car, I straddle him and he’s inside me Every memory of him comes flooding back as we devour each other sexually and emotionally His mouth and hands relearn every inch of my body as I slide up and down the length of him Finally in ecstasy, I pull him deeper into me, throbbing around him and he explodes inside me I collapse into his embrace, both of us sweating, hearts pounding, heads spinning I can’t believe we ever let anything keep us apart for so long But I had found my way back to this place, this man, I didn’t realize I missed so much A place where, as a girl, I lost myself and now, as a woman, I found myself again I would never let him go this time, with him is where I belonged First Love is powerful, it’s impulsive, it’s insatiable, it’s unforgettable, and it never ends In fact, no matter how much time passes, it can always begin again