I haven"t written anything in a long time. I've experienced many things since the last time I was on here. Heartbreak after I never thought my heart could love again (from previous heartbreak.) I feel stuck where I am.. quicksand holds me in place while the world around me keeps moving.. am I doing what I should be? Where will I be ten years from now? Somewhere self sufficient I hope. I'm tired of feeling helpless, like the heart I have doesn't work, or maybe it only works for one person.. I'll move slow like a turtle and hope you catch up to me. (Only he'll get that) and probably never will because what would he be doing on here? I miss you so much, my best friend was taken from me along with the love of my life. It's sad I feel the need to post this.. might be the four glasses of wine or just the fact that I really miss you rn, but I needed to write this, maybe not this  in particular, but something. I feel so unoriginal.

I feel so stupid. I'm angry. I thought I knew you, the deepest parts of you. How could you do this? How could she do this? The same place we had done it before. There I was sound asleep in my bed, probably dreaming about a future with you.. and you.. you were with her. Maybe it would be easier if I knew you did it to hurt me.. I know you made a mistake, but that mistake is killing me. I can't breathe or speak or do anything without thinking about that night. About you and her. Together. It's been months since it happened, and last night is the first I'm hearing of it. What, were you just planning to keep this frok me forever? Every moment you looked in my eyes and told me you love me and that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, every time you held me and told me I'm your only.. those things aren't true. They were lies. These past three months have just been one clusterfuck of a lie. I want to *****. I want to scream and yell and cry and laugh at myself for being such a ******* fool. I love you, I always will, but is that enough? What if this pain is stronger than our love? What if I can never be with you again without thinking about her? Have I wasted more than a year of my life? Has all of this been for nothing? My mind is spinning and running and jumping up and down with thoughts and emotions that I am too ******* overwhelmed to process. So I will just go on with my day, and smile, like th content little girl they want me to be. It's easier that way, right?