im not a hater but sometimes i can come across that way,
especially when you put me in a ring with another entity
waging war against my property,
against my sanity.
-
of course i wont stand defenseless
as my effort goes wasted
while still attached to my essence,
you must have forgot.
-
you must have forgot
those days when
you saw only power in what exists...

funny enough
i don't give a flying ****...
yet i still do,
strange enough...

tough as nails,
you’re so inspiring.
the way you bottle up emotions & hide your pain behind the strength you gained from running away. every single time.
you occupy yourself with a facade of who you wish to become, i think it’s working..
is it working? i don’t think it’s working.
maybe it is working,
maybe you just need to stay positive.
it’s simple.
all you have to do is listen to a million motivational speeches & tell yourself that everything will be ok eventually.
but will it?
try shutting everyone out of your life,
mask all of your feelings.
did that work?
have you tried drowning in your emotions & re-visiting your past?
maybe if you actually speak about what’s going on in your head.. wait, no!
a victim should never play the victim, not a good look.
be silent.
show emotion.
be strong.
raise hell.
never let them see you frown.
uhhh?
why are you so hard?
do you have emotions?
have you tried crying?
have you tried venting?

im designing farms to grow rare fruit & herb,
generate strains of wine, **** & wellness;
at the hands of some amazing individuals.
-
now & then,
ill give a glimpse into my world.

uninspired yet still so inspired.
-
moving at a reasonable pace but sometimes i start to wonder if im moving..
or moving fast enough.
left my faith in the hands of the universal decider;
& im not worried
i just need reassurance.
then a message so timely,
on the walls in the sky brings awareness to the questions of who, how and why.
"you are here, you exist.
all that you seek is in the midst of all that surrounds you.
feed your spirit,
let it ground you.
bring you back down to the earth,
no need to question or search.
divine timing and plans
are in motion and stands with the forces that were sent here to guide you.
for reassurance take another look inside you."
thank you!

sometimes im here,
sometimes im listening,
sometimes im hearty,
sometimes heart-broken
by the hands of myself.
-
sometimes i take the blame,
most times i place it elsewhere.
sometimes i channel fear &
destructive energies
then level up.

your eyes hold depth;
almost as deep as the time
i spoke into your head
and heard echoes,
echoing
instead of reciprocating
you filled up,
but im not empty,
nor am i envy.

there's a law that says i cant always be powerful
so somedays my sway may seem a-lotta bit off.
you'll see me smile while claiming sanity,
the next day im concrete stiff.
i know i must
but if
i had to choose,
i wouldn't...
-
something about balance.

i was stone cold,
rock hard.
i hid my heart away
from all acclaimed as worthy
i just had to keep it safe.
i was bitter,
unfamiliar
with a touch poorly displayed.
each time i would encounter you
my interest would evade.
didnt know what i was feeling but
it always felt so strange.
a few hundred light years later
& i think my view has changed...
-
i find myself crumbling at the touch of your warmth,
and in the arms of your embrace
i could weather any storm.
my barriers are breaking,
no room left to escape.
im in the space
where you conditioned
my state,
without credit or mention;
and this feeling that i once built for war
and for tension...
now has my attention.

totems come as eagles
captures snake,
as great change
& mystery takes place,
on display as common interest...
its always deep beyond the surface.

as i fight with my mind,
who fights with my heart.
i form ties
and i rip ties apart.
as i struggle in your world
& try to keep up with mine.
i go dumb,
i go out of my mind.
like i’m drunk,
i am out of my mind.
--
as i love i keep the hate on speed dial
and for drama you can hit the redial.
when i am me,
i cant get through to you.
what did i really do to you?
like growth,
i am so new
so keep up.
--
i need a stained soul,
one that’s impatient and old.
who has no vision but goals..
one who gets lost in the wind,
and makes a home in the storm.
whose only focus is right,
who understands we’re all wrong.
who falls apart through the night,
back on their sh-t at first light.
i think that’s love at first sight,
i thought right.

they say the same walls that block out fear will keep the happiness away.
so these days im roaming freely,
seeking all in vast array.
-
letting walls down,
opened for trespassing,
unlocking doors now.
-
no longer watching my steps,
i may just trip the alarm.
i may just take over the world,
i may not ever make a sound.
i may not ever come around again,
i'm feeling lowly,
im in search of
higher ground again.

spilled emotions with depth of ocean,
like no notion is good enough...
no longer careful of how she looks in the eyes of another,
you get what you get
& you also get what you give.

with a loaded gun to my head
and a sincere smile;
i wish you'd speed it up...

she was cautious once,
cared only for who thought what...
now she shuts out insults
& shouts out impulse
after stutter-stepping on egos
& silently expanding mental space.
-
its those quiet ones you should beware of
...or run from.
if you see danger as threat,
you might want to turn your necks
or turn yourself inside out.
i promise.

wonderland,
where i reside and confide in all existence;
there are many different shapes,
so many sizes
and depictions
of true friendship.
the grass is green,
in fact there's no other way.
we're frolicking in flowers,
drenched in sunlight by day.
-
and as the moon sends love,
so fluorescent.
i stand in constant gratitude for
my connections and ties,
who roam oceans
and skies
and all beyond
and all between...

stripped of innocence,
left naked in despair.
so when you're knocking at the door
she cannot hear.
emotionally unavailable,
the trauma runs deep.
she's running but keeps
tripping over potentials,
that sees so much potential.
still she is so resentful
with no time to stop.
legs tired and weary,
her darkness comes in so scary;
in fear, you'll flee
come near, you'll see
a rose with petals bruised and battered,
faded cause color never mattered.
and like her petals,
pieces scattered
from heart shattered and broken.
and if she's open,
its only for a moment.

sensual enough to make car ***
seem romantic enough
to lose my mind at the very touch of one button...
-
something about the words
"no one, but you"
makes my nature of possessive seem reasonable,
right?
-
never thought i'd be lurking,
lusting,
tempted to fall on my knees at your feet
so you can meet me at that place again...
can you make space again?
within my walls,
behind doors that still await your release.

does the thought of love free you
or does it haunt you?
does it put you at ease
or make you so uneasy that you cant find a stable stance...
-
the truth is,
the lesser starts to outweigh any sense of fulfillment in love
& then it fades,
& then you hope to find it again...
but does it come?
-
i'd say love is worth the pain it brings,
but don't take my word.

mysteriously mystic,
viciously vicious.
predictably un-predicted.
-
what a world,
what a home.
what a life;
one,
two,
many...

i wish i had your guidance
and your confidence.
i could have used your motivational speeches
and your spark,
or just your shoulder
and warm embrace.
i wish you could see the look on my face as i died slowly by the hands of myself,
as i cried out for help
and for creator to end all existence that existed around me
and within me.
maybe if i had your intuitive demeanor i could have understood my intuition,
if i had your drive i could have understood patience and persistence.
if i had your advice i could have avoided all of the mishaps of yesterday that somehow,
very strangely,
turned into wisdom for my today.
i needed you,
i thought i could never find you.
i thought i wouldn't make it pass 16,
and at 21,
i am the woman i wish i had as a girl.

make a home in your chaos,
embrace your inner madness,
it is better to light a candle
than to curse the darkness.

you might catch me slipping,
ever so slightly.
you may slide by
or slide in,
and i might lose focus.
-
clocks ticking til the moment i awake from this slumber,
til this naive,
way too easy,
no give but take,
let's up.
-
i can *******,
like i can ******* up in the head,
but ill use you for my rituals instead.

you stroke all of my weak spots,
true colors are a bleak,
emitting radiation
to reveal what's underneath.
your love is like a drug,
so bad
but
yet
so good.
your lips
are worth me dying,
destroy me like you should.

before you expel your sacred energy on behalf of another,
ensure that you're doing it out of your own will.
-
or else your motive will switch;
from save to destroy,
destruct &
carelessly deploy.
-
people change,
moods too
& a certain sense of reality can prove itself over-whelming.
-
while responsibilities can wreak havoc on an already decaying sanity;
they're holding onto what they think they need to exist...
so bear with them.

when your back aches from carrying burdens of worlds
for generations,
when your smile can only form as far as an odd slant
and your breath comes hard like its ran out twice already...
when you hear screams in the night
and sense no threat,
the madness seems like the only sanity
and all that's left to do is seated position.
-
sweet comfort from nothing,
stillness is more bitter than bitter-sweet.

obscured vision
of my limbs turning stiff,
bearing branches and leaves.
i look at trees and think,
"my, wouldn't that be amazing"
to be as strong and sturdy,
to be so still
and still so worthy;
to be so grounded,
and earthy.

explore it,
let it inspire you.
become friends,
become lovers,
become so obsessive that you question its intent on your sanity.
invest in it.
make it your peace while you
treat it as if you were an unstable person,
fed up and seeking holy ground;
in search of validation,
in search of balance,
desperate,
willing to discipline,
willing to adjust...
and when you both come to grips or a mutual agreement;
be loyal,
be open,
be so ******* honest
and
be understanding
but most of all be patient.

energies channeled on behalf of
heat & friction,
fast paced-motion
and fingers gripping throat;
turned themselves against themselves
then gained strength.
-
sacred energy,
no longer strictly in heats of moments;
now there's heat in every moment.

oddly enough,
i feel nothing.
although i've said it countless times before;
i guess practice really does make perfect.
-
im learning to enjoy the present moment
while still anticipating another.

speaking great vibes,
great health,
strong ties
and wealth.
-
im seeking self,
im seeking ways to maximize profit.
im a prophet.
ray of light,
ill change your life.
ill get you right
see,
im sweet because i spoke it,
complete because i wrote it.
fulfilled because i note it.
-
yes,
its noted,
in the book of life.
and every thing i write
is a reflection of who i am
and the place from where i came;
the place where hopes and dreams,
they flow free like open streams.
-

if you'd ask,
i'd tell you darkness is my preference.
-
though,
gory meets glory
and glow,
you should know
that i am dark and in part,
i am light.

too sick of love songs with no rhythm
or bounce,
too drunk on potions half-mixed
with only ounces of exchanged dead energy.
=
i need violence and i need peace,
in the same breath.

full meals out of broken hearts,
quite malnourished,
if one might ask;
making unstable look steady,
taking flight before she's ready,
longing to be unforgettable...

have you seen mother?
no sike,
psych.
true psychedelics circulate throughout the energy field,
i picked a poison that reveals all,
its awe-filled.
you knew,
the first time you saw me.

i've seen it;
so vivid,
the end of this world.
floods
& fire visuals,
spirit creatures come
in form of your deepest fear.
-
humanity has died
& third dimensional beings have became so stagnant;
no longer interested in ascension
so no longer worthy of a space.
-