even when i am alone
i am not lonely.
no half of me is missing
or within someone else
because i am full
& i am whole
on my own.
this new love that i have discovered
is different,
uncomfortable almost.
it is the love that i had searched for high and low.
it is the love that i needed when a love i thought needed me
didn’t really need me at all.
it is the love i cryed out and prayed for,
the very love i thought only existed within the man of my dreams.
now
i am the man of my dreams
so to the man of my dreams,
good luck.

funny enough
i don't give a flying ****...
yet i still do,
strange enough...

with respects paid to physical reflection
or 'seemingly'.
-
if i don't take breaks,
i'd have broken glass
for many years to come.
i see more reflection
when i do gaze
in face of the sun.

like a flower in May;
open.
til the next day,
closed.
with a caution
no entry,
there's no crossing
my mente.
to the love that wants to hold me forever,
& the arms that wish to hold me together:
once you've reached to the point of consideration,
consider waiting.
consider me broken,
searching for comfort.
hoping for consistent lover.
trying too hard to give the time and day,
giving my time away
to those that see no value in depth.
the ones that see my mystery as threat,
with no intentions of exploring,
a waste of space and so annoying.
no words left to be spoken,
keep me open.

im not a hater but sometimes i can come across that way,
especially when you put me in a ring with another entity
waging war against my property,
against my sanity.
-
of course i wont stand defenseless
as my effort goes wasted
while still attached to my essence,
you must have forgot.
-
you must have forgot
those days when
you saw only power in what exists...

oh me oh my.
what a daring request
to insist that
i
open my gates...
-
might i ask who you consider yourself?
how long have you travelled?
what gifts have you brought to lay at my feet?
-

im designing farms to grow rare fruit & herb,
generate strains of wine, **** & wellness;
at the hands of some amazing individuals.
-
now & then,
ill give a glimpse into my world.

they say the same walls that block out fear will keep the happiness away.
so these days im roaming freely,
seeking all in vast array.
-
letting walls down,
opened for trespassing,
unlocking doors now.
-
no longer watching my steps,
i may just trip the alarm.
i may just take over the world,
i may not ever make a sound.
i may not ever come around again,
i'm feeling lowly,
im in search of
higher ground again.

there's a law that says i cant always be powerful
so somedays my sway may seem a-lotta bit off.
you'll see me smile while claiming sanity,
the next day im concrete stiff.
i know i must
but if
i had to choose,
i wouldn't...
-
something about balance.

tough as nails,
you’re so inspiring.
the way you bottle up emotions & hide your pain behind the strength you gained from running away. every single time.
you occupy yourself with a facade of who you wish to become, i think it’s working..
is it working? i don’t think it’s working.
maybe it is working,
maybe you just need to stay positive.
it’s simple.
all you have to do is listen to a million motivational speeches & tell yourself that everything will be ok eventually.
but will it?
try shutting everyone out of your life,
mask all of your feelings.
did that work?
have you tried drowning in your emotions & re-visiting your past?
maybe if you actually speak about what’s going on in your head.. wait, no!
a victim should never play the victim, not a good look.
be silent.
show emotion.
be strong.
raise hell.
never let them see you frown.
uhhh?
why are you so hard?
do you have emotions?
have you tried crying?
have you tried venting?

your eyes hold depth;
almost as deep as the time
i spoke into your head
and heard echoes,
echoing
instead of reciprocating
you filled up,
but im not empty,
nor am i envy.

she was cautious once,
cared only for who thought what...
now she shuts out insults
& shouts out impulse
after stutter-stepping on egos
& silently expanding mental space.
-
its those quiet ones you should beware of
...or run from.
if you see danger as threat,
you might want to turn your necks
or turn yourself inside out.
i promise.

i wish i had your guidance
and your confidence.
i could have used your motivational speeches
and your spark,
or just your shoulder
and warm embrace.
i wish you could see the look on my face as i died slowly by the hands of myself,
as i cried out for help
and for creator to end all existence that existed around me
and within me.
maybe if i had your intuitive demeanor i could have understood my intuition,
if i had your drive i could have understood patience and persistence.
if i had your advice i could have avoided all of the mishaps of yesterday that somehow,
very strangely,
turned into wisdom for my today.
i needed you,
i thought i could never find you.
i thought i wouldn't make it pass 16,
and at 21,
i am the woman i wish i had as a girl.

i was stone cold,
rock hard.
i hid my heart away
from all acclaimed as worthy
i just had to keep it safe.
i was bitter,
unfamiliar
with a touch poorly displayed.
each time i would encounter you
my interest would evade.
didnt know what i was feeling but
it always felt so strange.
a few hundred light years later
& i think my view has changed...
-
i find myself crumbling at the touch of your warmth,
and in the arms of your embrace
i could weather any storm.
my barriers are breaking,
no room left to escape.
im in the space
where you conditioned
my state,
without credit or mention;
and this feeling that i once built for war
and for tension...
now has my attention.

make a home in your chaos,
embrace your inner madness,
it is better to light a candle
than to curse the darkness.

as i fight with my mind,
who fights with my heart.
i form ties
and i rip ties apart.
as i struggle in your world
& try to keep up with mine.
i go dumb,
i go out of my mind.
like i’m drunk,
i am out of my mind.
--
as i love i keep the hate on speed dial
and for drama you can hit the redial.
when i am me,
i cant get through to you.
what did i really do to you?
like growth,
i am so new
so keep up.
--
i need a stained soul,
one that’s impatient and old.
who has no vision but goals..
one who gets lost in the wind,
and makes a home in the storm.
whose only focus is right,
who understands we’re all wrong.
who falls apart through the night,
back on their sh-t at first light.
i think that’s love at first sight,
i thought right.

stripped of innocence,
left naked in despair.
so when you're knocking at the door
she cannot hear.
emotionally unavailable,
the trauma runs deep.
she's running but keeps
tripping over potentials,
that sees so much potential.
still she is so resentful
with no time to stop.
legs tired and weary,
her darkness comes in so scary;
in fear, you'll flee
come near, you'll see
a rose with petals bruised and battered,
faded cause color never mattered.
and like her petals,
pieces scattered
from heart shattered and broken.
and if she's open,
its only for a moment.

sensual enough to make car ***
seem romantic enough
to lose my mind at the very touch of one button...
-
something about the words
"no one, but you"
makes my nature of possessive seem reasonable,
right?
-
never thought i'd be lurking,
lusting,
tempted to fall on my knees at your feet
so you can meet me at that place again...
can you make space again?
within my walls,
behind doors that still await your release.

spilled emotions with depth of ocean,
like no notion is good enough...
no longer careful of how she looks in the eyes of another,
you get what you get
& you also get what you give.

before you expel your sacred energy on behalf of another,
ensure that you're doing it out of your own will.
-
or else your motive will switch;
from save to destroy,
destruct &
carelessly deploy.
-
people change,
moods too
& a certain sense of reality can prove itself over-whelming.
-
while responsibilities can wreak havoc on an already decaying sanity;
they're holding onto what they think they need to exist...
so bear with them.

does the thought of love free you
or does it haunt you?
does it put you at ease
or make you so uneasy that you cant find a stable stance...
-
the truth is,
the lesser starts to outweigh any sense of fulfillment in love
& then it fades,
& then you hope to find it again...
but does it come?
-
i'd say love is worth the pain it brings,
but don't take my word.

you might catch me slipping,
ever so slightly.
you may slide by
or slide in,
and i might lose focus.
-
clocks ticking til the moment i awake from this slumber,
til this naive,
way too easy,
no give but take,
let's up.
-
i can *******,
like i can ******* up in the head,
but ill use you for my rituals instead.

when your back aches from carrying burdens of worlds
for generations,
when your smile can only form as far as an odd slant
and your breath comes hard like its ran out twice already...
when you hear screams in the night
and sense no threat,
the madness seems like the only sanity
and all that's left to do is seated position.
-
sweet comfort from nothing,
stillness is more bitter than bitter-sweet.

wonderland,
where i reside and confide in all existence;
there are many different shapes,
so many sizes
and depictions
of true friendship.
the grass is green,
in fact there's no other way.
we're frolicking in flowers,
drenched in sunlight by day.
-
and as the moon sends love,
so fluorescent.
i stand in constant gratitude for
my connections and ties,
who roam oceans
and skies
and all beyond
and all between...

mysteriously mystic,
viciously vicious.
predictably un-predicted.
-
what a world,
what a home.
what a life;
one,
two,
many...

you stroke all of my weak spots,
true colors are a bleak,
emitting radiation
to reveal what's underneath.
your love is like a drug,
so bad
but
yet
so good.
your lips
are worth me dying,
destroy me like you should.

full meals out of broken hearts,
quite malnourished,
if one might ask;
making unstable look steady,
taking flight before she's ready,
longing to be unforgettable...

with a loaded gun to my head
and a sincere smile;
i wish you'd speed it up...

if you'd ask,
i'd tell you darkness is my preference.
-
though,
gory meets glory
and glow,
you should know
that i am dark and in part,
i am light.

oddly enough,
i feel nothing.
although i've said it countless times before;
i guess practice really does make perfect.
-
im learning to enjoy the present moment
while still anticipating another.

have you seen mother?
no sike,
psych.
true psychedelics circulate throughout the energy field,
i picked a poison that reveals all,
its awe-filled.
you knew,
the first time you saw me.

explore it,
let it inspire you.
become friends,
become lovers,
become so obsessive that you question its intent on your sanity.
invest in it.
make it your peace while you
treat it as if you were an unstable person,
fed up and seeking holy ground;
in search of validation,
in search of balance,
desperate,
willing to discipline,
willing to adjust...
and when you both come to grips or a mutual agreement;
be loyal,
be open,
be so ******* honest
and
be understanding
but most of all be patient.

obscured vision
of my limbs turning stiff,
bearing branches and leaves.
i look at trees and think,
"my, wouldn't that be amazing"
to be as strong and sturdy,
to be so still
and still so worthy;
to be so grounded,
and earthy.

energies channeled on behalf of
heat & friction,
fast paced-motion
and fingers gripping throat;
turned themselves against themselves
then gained strength.
-
sacred energy,
no longer strictly in heats of moments;
now there's heat in every moment.

speaking great vibes,
great health,
strong ties
and wealth.
-
im seeking self,
im seeking ways to maximize profit.
im a prophet.
ray of light,
ill change your life.
ill get you right
see,
im sweet because i spoke it,
complete because i wrote it.
fulfilled because i note it.
-
yes,
its noted,
in the book of life.
and every thing i write
is a reflection of who i am
and the place from where i came;
the place where hopes and dreams,
they flow free like open streams.
-

selective silence,
in particular,
to whom and of what i speak.
-