If only I knew
What luck it is
To get a surprise
****** exam of all
Your private information
Through and through
Plus the mic
Is hanging over me
Just like an all seeing
Who can’t stop

Wait... TWICE!!!

Or do we play the same ****** game
And pull the strings

Those lovely ladies
Who lie and sweat
Like little chickens
Hungry for some
Dough
*******
Hate
I do sometimes

Let the peace of mind be your valentine

Drop the stream through this sieve into the bottle
Where it shouldn’t belong you wish to
Drink up the poisoned milk in infinitesimal gulps
Of deathly satisfaction only because
The glass shards under your feet pretended
To be the grass and you believed as much as
That what felt like downfall was anything resembling warmth
Sneaking snapshots of neglect for nothing else
Is allowed to who you know yourself to be
And nothing else is a possibility for the
Identity was outlined in ink and blood and
Disappointment and disappointed you are
As a way to make the world feel familiar
At least there is one listener to make one feel at home
While the rest hold on to their promises
While keeping their ears open and their feet in the destined direction
And you are wasting away the precious moments
To drag yourself through the dessert of
Familiar bitterness
To be seen through the prism of your
Poisoned safety blanket
Only as illegitimate

Nothing more than
A non spoken presence
Felt deeply

It’s coming at you
Like the dark cloud it proclaimed
It’s inappropriate intentions
With the lack of clarity
And a secret desire to burn
The witch that fell
For an apple
She never wanted
Anyways
Just looking at an adversitising in the distance

Life isn’t lived if not accompanied
By the steady rhythm
A stomp of steps quiet or loud
Brave or careful the movement
Defined as a breath of oxygen
Away from safety that chocked
The bird that was born to sing
Oh how sad it was to watch it
Wither away and all your hopes
To watch it spread it’s wings
Shimmering in the moonlight
Now it gives away the cold unblinking
Stare just outside the cage
Always looking in
The view remains the same
See through confinement
It gave up all its feathers
Just to hold on
To the cold concrete
Of false hopelessness
False craving for something different
Than unpredictability
Silly bird silly me silly hope
It all ended before it
Was hoped to begin

Silence sings
What words are
Tired of repeating
Ripe as an oval that
Flows staccato crisp
Consciousness
Is a choice
In those eaten
By hungry
Anxiety

so what was about that Hellen of Troy
who confused the villagers when a big horse
line train interrupted the flow of the conversation
with a most vile tone imaginable just to make
the air smell like it's insides - hatable
They say Ms. Andrews liked to stop by
Just to help with gardening she was rather short
But resilient as a sense of urge for destruction
So here now, grow your courage to face
Another day

Hello again
Without sense or meaning
Or good intention
Just out of hope
For confusing enough
Entanglement of ideas
That lead right to where
We started unintentionally
And proceed out if desire
To waste precious time
On something
That chose to be
Unworthy

Hospitals are great for
Keeping people alive
And checking for dead relationships
Done

Simple errand of the day
To keep the yesterday away
From feeding on tomorrow’s hope
Yet right along the old survival trail
We walk picking up pebbles
Of everything that could have been
Throwing them in the air
Kicking them up with the dust of regrets
Breathing in the particles of potential
Proclaiming myself incapable
Of life for nothing else could overpower death
Only the fear of living

does the air smell fresh at the root
of all histories where rhythm and heart beat
still merged as a pulse from the core
of the earth and the sun is closer
to the heart of all things
life giving and dangerous
warm and eternal in the face
of a fly with a universe inside
does your heart sing when the foot
kisses the dirt that nourished your tree
do you swirl with the drumroll and
discover your right to be free?

One more day of
What else is there to say
Relationship that keeps on
Taking and throwing words
At you in return

Same life
Same wheel
Same squirrel
Rushing towards
Nochangeatall
One could think
She found her comfort zone
The cage was open
All along

Condemning yourself to an image you despise
Forgetting the route to the essence of you...
It’s in the taste. You are what you adore and
Every bit of beat and scent and flavor
You deeply
Enjoy

Standing by the shore
Staring your eyes out to
Catch a glimpse of change
Seeking it in the
Water distorted by ripples
Swallowing the waves
Of aversion bubbling up
To the surface of your
Expression, threatening to
Tear through the screams
And tears of depair
Stifling existence of being
Hidden in plane sight  
Whatever could be different
If I stay here and wait
For the water to change my reflection?
Change ... metamorphosis
Run from desolation
Scream for unity
With the very essence of life
The core of my nature
That sings loud in the wind
And fills me with contentment
The very purpose of my
Existence was berried so deep
In the cavern of unfulfilled dreams
Will I dive into the
Unfamiliar water
Allow myself to be carried
By the current unforeseen
Shall I stare while eyes can see
Until the final darkness comes
Or maybe... just maybe
If the wind blows courage into me
I can dive into myself
Miles under the distorted reflection
And be moved by the water
Ever so slightly
As I descend
Towards the center of all things

Feed me a question darling milkmaid
Not the nourishing liquid but a perplexing
Openness of the vast curve with a dot
Dropped like an atomic bomb
What is left after all the ties are cut?
Is there a but or an and or maybe...
Multitude of dots to signify
My directionless struggle
To abandon the uncomfortable
Safety with it’s dangerous allure
And grotesque predictability
Promising to swallow me whole
As if the dark void inside I can’t let go
Has substance beyond any measure
What is left of the dairymaid
After the king is settled for what was
Expected
Of someone else
That he never was
And they never knew
And she never spoke up
Waiting patiently
For her women’s share of beating
Hated more than hell
So powerful she was in her
Dangerous powerlessness
Until the last breath
She held herself under his thumb
Proper girl, ******* held by the brackets
Of what others couldn’t comprehend
And the ear already heard
And the eye struggled to find
Spontaneity buried 6 feet under
The past of shameful
Helplessness
The burning bush
The king proclaimed
A shameful rhetoric
Which held none of his
Essence

Silence isn’t an empty thing
It has volume it has shade and
A feeling ... so very contradictory

Freedom you ask for
The glimpse of open sky
And free pass to sing the song
As it comes in rusty swirls
And rainbow sprinkles
Would you hear mine
Just the same
And realize
Not every word is a gun
Aimed at you as an object?

Is it left or right
Where the coin should fall
To open the door
That I wish was closed
And perhaps it is only
An eye that beholds
The image of fear
That composed  the walls
Of the tallest castle
That I draped in burgundy
And a sent of shame
Or perhaps it is only
A reflection of the worst angle
And I would rather blame it on...
The mirror is broken
It’s foggy and cold and it
Does not know of
Desire to stay away
Covered in goosebumps and scars
Perhaps I need your truth
Like the  empathy of
Monsters under my bed
Life is a dangerous swamp
That pretends to be a swan lake
Clear under the ice

I’m tired
But pumped up now
Let the negativity flood
Wash away all our sins
Somewhere at the end
There’ll be peace
When we reach a state
Of acceptance
That no one’s ****
Smells like roses
A rather liberating thought

I lost interest in words
I lost it suddenly when
A thousand syllables
You accidentally spilled
Felt like a midnight forest
Loud and confusing
A little dangerous
And much unintended
Yet the intension spoke
Loud and clear
When the words
Selected to be spoken
Bid a bitter farewell

Sometime I swallow a pause
A fishy tail invisibly sticking out
Of my open mouth trying to
Force syllables in some coherent order
Like beads on a string
That’s too thick I push the words
With all my lightweight might
And see them spread awkwardly
Reflected in some pair of eyes
There is a cold feeling inside my chest
I do not wish to see
Your silent question
I am hiding somewhere
While the other one takes hold
Arrogant *****
I just listen to her speak
With disdain
How did I get lost
So deep in the forest
Of myself
Why small talking
Became so confusing

Leave no place for confusion
It is only the breath of air
Through a story long told
Never spilled from your mouth
I am here to hear it
Present with you
Here and now
Keep the space between us
Pure and distant just enough
And I will follow you
Into your deep

Questionable verdicts
Lead only deeper into the forest
Judgment never saved the day
We flow with the circumstances
Only hoping that another
Would do their best to
Be a fair comrade
Silly though it is
When their hobby is
To put on a mask of
I’m here for you
Only to take if off as soon
As your guard is down
With their glib grin
Enjoying your naive
Denial of everything
They believe themselves to be
So do you go?
Do you adjust the expectation?
I chose second
And yet the mask goes up again
What for? To remind me
Of a moment’s weakness when
I allowed myself to entertain
A thought that you
Could be so much better than this?
Can’t stop being myself
And there’s still a sense of purpose
In being present with
All your masks and deceptions
But can you stand
Awareness of your reflection?
How terrifying is it
To sit staring into silence
That isn’t even the silence
But the unspokenness of
Your own worst fears
That no one but you stirred up
Like orange juice in the coffee
You spoil your own drink
Because thirst is what you know best
And the moral of the story
Is somewhere where the
Intention was lost

Swirling loose ends of
Anger and tenderness
Dangerous confusion
Of everything there is to feel
About any one thing
So complex
Intimidating vastness
Which way to go
Run or hold onto
Choice ever so difficult
Run and a piece of mind
Will always stay behind
Hope for the best
And you will lose yourself
In deception
Of wishful thinking
Perhaps I can hold on to
Reality and treat it
Based on the face it shows
But never let go

When the cymbals took over the orchestra
The violin cried in desperation
Her fragile voice unheard between the
Cacophonous clanking of metal against the noise
She knew her song well, didn’t have to learn it
She was born with s gift of transcending
Both ecstasy and trembling sorrow
She was born to grasp the soul and sink
Right into the softness of all the
Vulnerable memories and fragile hopes
Waiting to be heard, eager to connect
Many hearts with the sound of the same
Truth vibrating through the rhythmic
Backbone of the drums in unison with
Mister piano who conservatively
Waited for his turn to assemble the lace
Of meaning between them all
But the stubborn cymbals persisted
Thinking their role essential for sun to shine
The role of thundersome emphasis
And emphasis they loved
Believing it to be the salt of any intention
The driving force sure to leave impact
The certainty of it felt like the final word
And the force that span the little universe of the orchestra
Always forward no time for questioning
Or stepping out of line
Or  off with their heads and  proceed with routine
And only sometimes when light beam brought up
Old memories they reminisced about the slender
Deeply absent face of conductress
Who knew the worth of each
And guided them with dine provision
Of her soundless presence
That made them all so connected
In their partial spotlight
As they used their strengths
To channel that which only
Deaf will undermine
The pure harmony
Of coexistence

Inside my head are myriads of thoughts
Uncomfortably shoving each other
Against the wall they are running out of breath
Me too, breathless illness of a constant urge to
Strive always further always urgent
And so are you, familiar spirit so real and
Present from the very start
Came and justified all my strengnesses as
A blessing from another world
From separation into belonging in a blink of an eye
And my talent fits right in with your
Dark dilemma
And the life dealt it’s cards and this way
Life is safer and you are my sister
And I will give you my energy
Share with you the strength that flows through me
And is never given to me when not shared
As much as needed to fill the whole
Left in you by those who taught to
Confuse food with poison.
I am patient. You are my quest and purpose
I knew that before I could decide anything
For myself it doesn’t have to make sense
It is ultimate. So I will patiently wait
And embrace you with the vision from the core of my spirit
Your gift is potent and I feel
It could be much more and
Somewhere inside me was hidden the key
Not meant for me but
To open the cell in your heart
So the sun will shine
On many

Sometimes understanding another’s limitations
Doesn’t make *******
Less stinky
Even though I appreciate the bravery
I cannot take the lie looking me
Straight in the face
What I do has to do with truth
And there is no truth
In presence of a fake maneken

The dwelling place
Simply dark and uncomfortable
Yet shamefully well fed
And thoroughly misunderstood
Exactly like the inside of your
Mind way back when
Little chatterboxes with pink ribbons
Like iridescent peageons
Scattered around pecking at some
Laughable nonsense and you too
Perched next to them
Holding your breath
Tight enough to resist the gravity
Lifting yourself up by the
Corners of your mouth
Chirping along whateversomething it is
Insignificance of it.                              
Sprinkling the glitter
Over the gaping hole
As a matter of I don’t know why.
Not much food for the thought
Just a feeling of suffocation.
Wash it down wih despair
Down into the innermost
Of that empty drain
Now THAT feels like home
Suffering for the lack of misery
Or some
Miserable luck
That was named a fortune
Without a smile

The mirror refused to see
She dimmed and blurred
All that begged to be reflected
She was tired and speechless
A crippling sense of uselessness
Approaching like a midnight train
Shining with a loud squeaky terror
But with an ear for a story

One second at a time
I will continue breathing
As my purpose dissolves
Into thin air
And the possibility
Of future feels thin and fragile
The war was won
So why does
Memory of winning
Feels like a loss
Of all my essence
Why does my essence
Depend on war and suffering
Why am I not
If the war has ended

I swam in love today
Of dozens of tight squeezes
Coming from ever unnoticed
But such a bright heart ... many hearts
So many I cannot contain
How big the piece of my soul
That will always stay with them
How important is the presence
Of a deeper eye that
Connects us with our essence
And the beauty of our spirit
Give what you have not received
It is the greatest source

Inescapable loop
Of jealousy for the gift
That I didn’t choose to
Possess a heavy heavy load
No one but me can carry
The cause of my persecution
But every tiny human
Who knows cannot be
Ever greater than their shallowness
The light that is for giving
Isn’t my choice
But it is the only source
Of light that is  ME
The celestial connection
Between  all that I am and the
Ground I walk on
The glimpse into another’s eyes
To be the channel
To transmit their needs
I am but a tool
And being faithful to my destiny
Is the greatest strength
And the most terrible burden
I ever got to know

You go snake
Spit your ***** venom
All over the room
Staged performance
With puppets
You aren’t yet tired
Playing
So much effort to destroy
The ground I send on
Seeking my exposed vulnerabilities
With your cold eyes
Sore for misery
Forgive me snake
I have a yawn and a laugh
To give but not to share
My face perfectly relaxed
As I imagine
Your anihilation.

I wish to take humanity
By the bottom of their
Pupils
And channel
Light



Then go to movies with my kids

I know a dragon
Ancient and humane
He resides in the cave
He calls lovingly a shadow box
From which he peers
Into the innermost of you
Outstretching a pair of knobbly fingers
To pull the sting out
With a gentle smile
And advice to watch the shame
As if a curious child
Not knowing yet the fear
Of failing
And like a child he smirks at you
With a glance blanketing your doubt
And he could stay in his cave
For ages on end
And he does not like loud parties
In palaces that wouldn’t fit his frame
His fire deemed to hide
Inside the safety of the shadow
To protect mortals from
Being burned alive
By the terrifying truth
Of his breath
Yet with all his strength
He fears my eyes
For he is not accustomed to be seen
And he is angry as much as pleased
To find he is not the only dragon
In the room
How happy I am to find my kin

Alone with myself
How cleansing the silence can be
To dissolve the mass of worry
Plugging my present
To glance into the depth of me
To wipe the fear and doubt
Off my forhead I delve
Deeper, still on the right track
Still more alive inside my mind
Than foreign eye can see
I like to be alone
Window open
Smoke
Breath of fresh air
Is just enough

Thank you thorn
For reminding me
How beautiful
The color of my aliveness can be
Thank you human
For being an endless depth
I immerse myself into
When artificiality
Makes me want to
Dissociate into a cloud of smoke
Thank you music
For accompanying my mood swings
Thank you rain
For helping my melancholy
Feel at ease
Thank you betrayal
For reminding me
What true friendship should be
Thank you reality
For alerting my senses
With a slap in the face
Thank you bottomless hole
For accepting my efforts
Thank you randomness
For the pleasure of spontaneity
Thank you
For all that simply IS

As I look into your cold needy eyes
Last thing I’ll do is feed you with my suffering
Watch my body being inaccessible
To your lowly trembling
My body is a magnet
To your self-loving evil
So  keep that shaking urge
And remember how
Someone saw you all the way through
Oh how uncomfortable
How vulnerable it feels
To be exposed in all your
Disgrace
Remember how someone did not fall
For your petty game
Little man
We both know
I am simply better than you
And none of your manipulations
Will diminish my self-worth

There’s always ****, misery and deep conversations

What piece is left
When all is pointless
But silence and
A feeling of a gaping hole
Inside your stomach
The one that hides
Your dread
Of wasted life
Buried beneath
Mounds of heart shaped
Illusions
And truth there is one
Metamorphosis
Denied her right to change
Or fear of moving on
Lost in the dark space
Of your condemned mind

Planes fly high
I'm tired and gone

Step out of the car and enter a blacked out state of mind
My face is ****** and there are tears in my eyes
And all i can think of is whats buried underneath
surely life grows under this concrete

My hands are sweaty as i pick myself up alone
And i gather whats left of my pride and float towards my home
Two days later im still asleep
Then life wakes me up with a badge on my sleeve

When will the be over?
And who is really to blame?
And when can i start dreaming?
Make my dreams become wings and fly away

And i have covered every range of my emotions
But i got more anger in me than all the waves of the ocean
And i am trying to say the things to make you stay
But i cant take back what he has taken from me

And healing has come so **** painfully
And now i refuse to let anyone get close to me
Each flashback chills me to my every bone
im damaged you see in case you want to go

when will this be over?
And who is really to blame?
And when can i start dreaming?
Make my dreams become wings and fly away
Fly away
Fly away
whooooooooooo

S1E2
Fifteen Million Merrits

Genius could be a killer

Don't hide from it
Understand where it's coming from
But do not try to change it
Don't give it fake forgiveness
It never meant to ask for
Don't try to prove it  wrong
Don't give it power over your self-worth
Hold on to your values
And stick by truth

With a photoshopped gaze
We wish to see clearer
And to be seen clearer
As what we are afraid we are not
Forgive us life for not appreciating
Your gifts and always asking
For more than we need to be happy