banksy once said
"i mean, they say you die twice.
once when you stop breathing
and a second, a little later on,
when somebody says your name for the last time."
you killed me when you broke my ******* heart.
and i know you haven't said my name in months.
so i guess i'm practically six feet under.

smile so it distracts them from your sad eyes
2. not everyone is deep and poetic and unhappy. some people just are. let them be.
3. you are ******* gorgeous and powerful and intelligent even when you feel the complete opposite.
4. i promise you're worth more than what people have done to you.
5. keep going, you have people to prove wrong and you have yourself to make proud.
6. patience is a big key to happiness.
7. accept compliments but only give sincere ones.
8. people are always going to walk in and out of your life. let them. some people are here for a season, some complete rotations, and some forever.
9. its okay to be sad and cry and all that ****. but not forever.
**10. my god, you are something else entirely.

no
     amount
          of
              pills
                     will
                            ever
                           ­          make
                                            you
                                                  love  
       ­                                                yourself
                                                                ­ again.

god
i'm so ******* unhappy
but its easier to act
happy
then explain why
you're not.

we lay there,
you with your back turned
to me.
i used
my fingertips
to trace
the words
my mouth
never has the
courage to say.
and you just fell asleep.
and i'm starting
to think that's a metaphor
for what you'd do
if i let you
hear what my heart
has been *screaming

i didn't
plan on falling
for you.
in fact,
i didn't
think i
could.
but look
at me now,
your hands
leaving me breathless
and your
breathe leaving
me with goosebumps.
even my skin
is seeking
your touch

i am
one with
the ghosts.
do i exist
or am i
made up
by people
who can't
seem to
grasp the
concept that once
you're gone...
you're gone
for
**good?

guys have a
habit of
f a l l i n g
into me
with no
safety vest.
i'm like the
sea during a
storm,
destructive and angry.
i'm like a drug,
they get addicted
to how high i
can make them feel
but forget about the
bad trips.
i'm like a book,
they want to
know every last
******* fiber,
every last ******* word
that can help
them try
to understand my content.
but they get to the end of the book
and realize
they didn't comprehend a **** thing.
i'm like a scar with a big back story.
i started out as a good thing,
a saving grace almost.
but don't worry,
eventually i'll become toxic
and i'll leave them
with marks
they never
want to
explain.

can i say
your eyes are like
an ocean?
because i drown in them
every time and
i will
never show
resistance to
the waves.
i'd be at peace
inside you,
because finally,
we would
be one
and the
ache to be
surrounded
by you will
finally
disappear.

i was feeling really low
so i decided to
paint a picture.
the canvas
was my thigh,
and the paintbrush
was my razor.

its hard to
move on
when everyone is
the same.
you think you
can catch a break
but all you catch
is your tears
falling
with the back
of your
hands

i fell in love
with your smile.
the way your lips
pull back
to display
your perfect teeth.
and how your cheeks
look fuller
and slightly more
pink.
how your eyes
light up like
the stars
but your eyelids
droop,
to hide
the magic
that lies
beneath them.
your smile
is
like a
solar eclipse,
rare,
blinding,
and
completely
*******
worth
the
wait

its been days
weeks even
since I've felt this
l
  o
    w
i guess
i thought
if i didn't
think about it,
its wouldn't matter.
but here i am,
holding a razor
in my
trembling hand
and my tears
almost blinding me,
it is now
that i realize
you can
close your eyes
to your fears
but you
can never close
your head
to your
demons

she loved
anything
that provided
an escape
from her life.
when she was 7,
it was
disney movies.
that is where
she learned
its not normal for
daddys to hit mommys.
when she was 11,
it was
books.
the ink,
staining her fingers
as well as her heart
and her mind.
that was where
she learned
that when she said
no,
he was supposed
to stop.
when she was 16,
it was drugs.
powder, needles, pills.
and that is where
she learned
the true meaning
of escape.
getting so
h i g h
she never
felt the
l o w s.
at 20,
though, she
confused
e s c a p e
with
d i s a p p e a r i n g

its 3:30 am
and my mind
has once again
found its way to you
and my bed
is starting to feel
like your arms
and my teeth
are aching
for your lips
and my neck
is begging
for your breath
and my *******
hands are
searching for
your back
and i
swear to god
my entire *******
existence
is depending
on the rhythm
of your
breathing

i guess
in my mind
i thought
replacing you
would be easy
but then
i realized
why would
i want a
r e p l a c e m e n t
when i
deserve
a
*******
o r i g i n a l

you told me
yesterday
that you thought
stretch marks
were disgusting.
i immediately
looked down
and realized
you must
find me
utterly
r e p u l s i v e
because i have
stretch marks
on my heart.  
i have them
where there
was too much me
for my skin to
contain
leaving ugly
mocking lines.
but
i also have
s c a r s
from when
my head
wasn't enough
to keep the
thoughts in my
brain from
taking control
of my hands
so i'm wondering
what do you think
of those?

when you left
it felt as if my heart
crawled out of my throat
just to recklessly
roam for your love
but it was
when i realized
i was
n
o
t
h
i
n
g
special
to you
and easily
r e p l a c e d
that is when
i swear to
******* god
my heart
stopped beating
and now
there's this
giant hole
in my chest
that i can't
seem to fill
with cigarettes
or faceless men

I have forgotten how to
live a life without you
I cant remember a before
and I didn't even
imagine an after
I thought breathing
when I was with you
was difficult
but without you
I am on the verge
of suffocation

Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what it is like to love someone and hate that same person at the same ******* time.
Thank you for causing me to sit on my bathroom floor and cry so much that I wish I would just ******* drown.
Thank you for making me feel alive. I felt things for you that I had never felt about any other person before. The thought of losing you kept me awake at night.
Thank you for being the reason that reality was finally much better than my dreams.
Thank you for cancelling our plans so many times that I found out the true meaning of unreliability.
Thank you for showing me that even perfect people have flaws, the cracks in your apologies showed me that even if I didn’t say, “It’s fine,” you wouldn’t have made any effort to fix what you did anyway.
Thank you for showing me what it’s like to give forgiveness and wish I never had, you got away lightly with every ******* thing you did wrong, I wish I had screamed at you so hard about how much you made my heart hurt but I still wouldn’t be able to leave.
Thank you for pulling me in with your false words, “You’re too nice.” I never knew that someone could be “Too nice.” Maybe you just couldn’t handle someone who didn’t have the courage to speak up, I’m sorry you couldn’t read minds.
Thank you for walking past me today, you kept your head down as if you had never stayed up late on the phone to me while you talked about how beautiful our future would be.
Thank you for holding my hand and then never coming near me again, I now know what it’s like to crave something so much it feels like if you don’t have it again you will suffocate.
Thank you for fooling your friends into thinking that you rarely knew me when really I know you more than they do.
I know your secrets, I know how you hate your dad, I know your favorite songs, I know about how you've seen way more than you should of , I know the real you. Don’t act like I don’t exist, a smile or an nod of acknowledgement would be enough to make me feel like this whole experience wasn’t a complete waste of my time. I guess I’m just a new addition to your list of strangers who you think don’t understand, but I know you.

you always
have to remember
there is
a sunrise
after a sunset
there is
a door opening
as one closes
and there
is
love after love
always

so
many
people
have
seen
your
naked
anatomy
but
how
many
have
been
bless­ed
to
see
your
naked
soul

how can you
plant yourself
inside my heart,
put down roots
inside my head,
push all of
what you are
into my body,
take over
my memory,
**** up
my sanity,
then just
walk
away

did she make a home in the spaces between your ribs too?

2. i have still have your sweatshirt. it doesnt smell like you anymore. its okay though, i smell it every time i dream.

3. i miss looking in your eyes and seeing the galaxy.

4. they say you get a new layer of skin every 7 years and i cant wait to have skin you havent touched.

5. i miss you. i ******* hate you but i miss you.

6. i still have bruises, they just arent surface level anymore.

7. do you ever think of me anymore? today i saw a sweater that i'd know you'd love. i wonder if its the same for you.

8. i hope someone hurts you like you hurt me. karma is a ***** after all

9. you're so broken but so am i. we could of took our pain and made it into something beautiful, a mosaic of brokeness.

10. today i smiled and my eyes smiled too and its the beginning of finally moving on from you.

pretty is so played out
so used
like a childhood toy
when youre in your 20s
its manipulative
and tired
pretty gets you places
like a strangers bed
or stuck in someones
head
pretty gets you
fooled
into thinking
thats the only thing
good about you

i'm not an angry person
i'm a sad soul
with a smile that could fool God
but eyes that betray me
i have a laugh that can ****** the devil
but sobs that can awake
the earth
i have hands that DaVinci would envy
for they are magic,
creating lovely
****** creations
on my thighs
but i have a backbone
that has more cracks than
a busy city sidewalk.
just a sad soul.
not an angry person.

i remember when
that song was
just a song
and i didn't
think of you
every time it
came on
i remember when
that place was
just a place
and i didn't
see you there
every time i
decided to visit
but i don't
remember
a time i
thought of perfection
and didn't think
of
you

i don't miss you
i miss the way
you breathed life
into the most dead
parts of my
soul
how your fingers
touched me like
a sacred religious
text
how your eyes held the galaxy
and your arms
held me
together

i'm addicted to my scars
the way they tell stories
better than i could ever explain
the way they make
constellations of my pain
and make people
take a second look
i'm forever a victim
to reliving
what i barely
lived through

i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're toxic, like an energy plant leak & you ruined everything you've touched.
including me.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're reckless, like a roller coaster without a safety bar & i want off this ******* ride.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're nothing inside, an empty shell I tried to fill up with *** & text messages & love & attention but it was never enough.
i'm tired of not having enough left over to fill myself.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you change like the seasons and i always mix up summer and winter & i'm getting far too hot and far too cold to stand it.
i've come to the decision to forget you
you're the worst kind of mysterious, because you're a mystery to yourself.
you never look in your dusty crevices to realize you're so much more than who you think you are.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
i'm no longer the one on your mind.
i'm no longer the one you want.
i'm no longer enough for you.
so i'm forgetting you.

a couple days ago
i tried to **** myself
by ingesting a handful of
different pretty pills
in the hopes
they'd make me
a pretty corpse
i thought maybe
they'd plant roots
in my stomach
and grow flowers
out of my eye sockets
but then i realized
those pretty pills
would ****
not only me
but the ones who already
saw flowers growing
in the darkest parts
of me

I. there was life before him.
i know its hard to remember a time
his presence didn't make your whole body shiver
and his eyes didn't make you
want to wrap your arms around his broken soul.
but there was life before him
and there will be life after

II. he may no longer love you but you have to love yourself.
i know you had yourself convinced
that he was the only one who could love
all your loose ends, all the pieces, all the brokenness.
but he doesn't anymore and its okay.
now you have to grow
to love all your scars, all your craziness, all your faults.
after all, you're the only one
that lives with the voices in your head

III. he was never meant to be your last
you both spoke words of forever, planned a future together.
with 3 dogs, 2 sons, and a huge house.
you never decided where
but maybe that's how you should have known.
and i know you may feel like you'll love him forever...and you will
but, sweatheart
he
was
never
meant
to
be
your
last
IV. it was real
V.  he is gone
VI. and you are still ******* breathing

she let him plant flowers
on her heart
the roots intertwining
with her soul,
vines wrapping
around her spinal cord
but soon, she realized
they were weeds
and tried to yank them from her chest
but it was much too late
for she could never grasp
the very roots
that kept her soul
**prisoner

i'm so tired
of opening up to people
who do nothing
but laugh and poke
at my insides