what if this future i have
in my head isn't real?
it's nothing detailed,
because everyone likes
a little surprise.
it's like a rough sketch,
but what if there's never any
final product?
what if i never get to color
inside the lines?
what if there's never
a gorgeous masterpiece
for me to leave behind?
what then?

i like feeling
insignificant in
comparison to
the large scale
of things.
that's why
before i die,
i want to spend
a week beside the ocean.
& every night,
i want to sit right
where the shore meets the sand
and feel as free as the waves
crashing in the distance.
and i want to go find
a rooftop, that's just the perfect height
and get some blankets
and fall asleep,
just a speck in a
massive space.
but somehow, that doesn't scare me
the way it should.

you never
really made me
feel as alive
as that
roof top did
tonight.
and i realized,
that's all i wanted.
i wanted someone
to make me feel
alive and whole and worthy and important.
like im worth someone laying down for hours, and just staring.

there's something
wrong with my mind.
it no longer seems to be
mine.
chaos erupts and panic ensues.
an earthquake starts
in my mind
and my sanity starts
crumbling.
some days i feel so high,
untouchable even.
but soon after,
i crash land into
a pool of depression
that i barely pull
myself out of before i start
to drown in it.
i hear you but never see you.
why are you hiding from me?
why are you here in the first place?
are you even here?
**** im doing it again.
why can't i breathe why can't i see why can't i hear everything is unclear.
in. out. in. out.
please send help
before my lungs collapse on themselves
before i drown
before i start seeing where the voices are coming from
before i stop getting out of bed
before it becomes too much
before

i can feel
myself slowly
slipping
back into you.
it already feels
like poison
but it looks
like heaven,
so why
does
it seem like
it's gonna hurt
like hell?

i don't actually
know what im
doing in life.
all i know is
that you look better
smiling at me
in bed
then
i ever looked
alone in
my own.