You ever have that kind of day?
Where it's looking to be one of those days,
and it's an ending you know too well  
and it's been a week,  
and it's been a long month,  
and you've been hearing it from every angle,  
and you're like, "yeah I totally didn't notice how bad my life was getting, and I wasn't aware of how lonely you get when you're single at this age,"
and you have to act surprised at every family gathering when they give you that talk
and you're finishing up another dumb day,  
and suddenly this girl who's been hiding from you for weeks decides you're interesting again,
and your boss, who always pushes your patience to the limit,  
and never cuts you asks if you wanna go home early,  
and you - the absolute worst at smooth talk and social interaction,
and so bad with flirting gets the audacity to ask this girl over,  
and you don't even come off as desperate,
and she says fine, I'll come over,  
and you race home almost dying in a car accident, stress clean for twenty minutes, put on cologne and your nice underwear,
and for a brief moment, you get that child like nervousness, that rare "healthy" anxiety that comes before something good happens, the last crack of thunder before the rain stops,  
and you don't feel so lonely and thirsty, and you stop feeling like a pathetic waste of oxygen.
and then she says nevermind, she's not feeling it,
and the air gets ****** from your apartment
and you don't know who to hate more,
and you have to play it off like "NBD",
and she says - "Let's try again next week,"
and you tell her you're busy but you're not
and you pretend you're not interested because God Forbid you ever show vulnerability again
and you just write off the whole engagement as another failure
and you don't know what to feel - ****** at her, or disgust for you - so you feel both
and then she calls you ten minutes later
and tells you she's not feeling herself lately,
and you realize - you're not the only one
and it ***** because if everyone feels like that, why don't we make it easier for all of us
and stop making it a competition and more of a collective
and you feel selfish for not seeing both sides of the mirror
and you try to build her up
and you tell her the same lies you tell yourself to get through it
and you wonder if you're just a conceited hypocrite for trying
and you stop half way and just tell her - "yeah, I get it."
You know?
Me neither.

A full moon like an evil eye
pointing behind the streetlights
the pack long gone
the herd festered into a rat horde
rickety bones and unused ******

"It's never enough, its too much,
what's the point,"
the only way to shut it up is blunt force
to bully it away
beat it with a vengeance
before the evil feels the void
fills it with cancer
the Devil knows my weaknesses
tease me with the blood
but there's nowhere to hunt
grind the edges off my fangs
cavities and smoke shaded
murmurs, tremors, ticks and triggers
free me from the pain of care
doubt, anxiety, helplessness

I never wanted the love, but respect
the freedom to be...
advice I never asked for
questions I don't have answers to!
run until I hit the water
nightmares of drowning in darkness
never ending laughter
and you - just staring at me
like I planned the failure
I built this burned out temple
my birth was my plan
The best part of me
is the animal you say I'm not
and when it dies - I'm going with it.

I still dream it seems
Surprises me too
At some point,
the stress of the real world
You'd think
After every failure
Endless nights of,
Nothing, really
And it's torture
For the mind, body, soul
All the brain damage
The body slowly dies
A life of just work
Years dreaming for better
So many hard truths
You hope, but
This fleeting world
Loneliness, pointlessnes
Belligerent with no fight
No purpose or place
So many, just
Living to die

A prayer to the void... (and the Universe that hates us)
anxiety or anticipation I can't tell which
                            especially when they mix together
they make the night colder and darker

heart pounding until I hear it
my ear drums march to keep up
with it comes the bells, and the warmth in my face
my chest breaks out
I'm allergic to this uncontrollable mess
and the stress... it speaks in riddles
my body doesn't understand the language, so it works harder
I run in circles to slow it all down
(it gets me nowhere)
and the echoes? Reverberating off the walls?
make them sound like they're closing in...

outside I see the chaos, feel it crawling into my skin
scratch till I bleed
the shadows are chasing me and I am [Helpless]
Voices taunting me, color draining from my face
and the world with it
the laughter is torture
everyone knows but me
the ache in my bones tell me so
chains rattling in the walls
so dizzy - but I can't throw up
broken spirits stir up the ice cubes...
a toast? to no responsibility
                      crying and laughing at the same time

Just like a lost soul wandering but in a body.
That's been me now for so long.
But I'm getting ready.

Still developed a lot myself.
Had influence on others.
But wandering without a future, not yet ready to die.
Holding on like that for so long.
Untill I was ready.

Tried to leave but failed a couple of times.....
Now I finally received a way out that is sure to succeed.
Still the hardest thing to do.
Very lonely.
I just had to wait a little longer....

Then one night my mom told me: you've got to end this, make a plan now finally and make up your mind!
My fiery mom.
With old Norse wisdom inside of her naturally.

It had to be my time though.
An old friend apologized to me when he saw me again.
He needed that before I left.
But now it's time to get ready, not hang around in limbo.

My mom is right.
My mom, equal in my battles.

I had to realize I need to be a true Viking.
Find pride and courage in the sacrifice.
The hardest one.
Dying in battle.
My only escape.