I love you and i'm sorry i'm always an anxious mess
I know i'm kind of your rock so it must be tough to see me like this and i know you'll be mad at me for saying that
because i told you once that you're only human and you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders but
I want you to know that i'm carrying your world on my shoulders
so I can make sure its perfect and happy for you
so you no longer have to worry about your disgusting step dad
or your not there father
because you don't deserve these things
and it's the only way I know how to make you happy
because being only human is stressful
I only have a limited amount of years to make sure there's as little bad in your life as humanly possible
and I've decided to take that on and since this is the last thing i'm saying to you i'd like to think that even though it might be selfish
that I made your world a little better and even if this is the last thing ill say to you
I want you to know a little piece of your world will be with me always because 5 years of getting to someones heart is hard to forget
and I swear that every time I meet someone new i'll look for a little bit of you in them subconsciously
and my mother will seem more evil since you're not there to talk her down to me
and my life will continue but almost as if someone made the sky dimmer
and lizards will make me sad
without you i'll never watch a 3 hour movie again without crying no matter what it is
i'm sorry for all the sad stuff but I need you to know because it's better to get it out than to leave you wondering
‘what does he think of me?’
because it could never be anything bad and this is the last time that i'm talking to you but maybe you could think back on my advice through our time together and try to get yourself through things
i'm sorry for anything stupid I've ever said or done and
I love you more than you could even imagine

I've fallen empty again as its Monday night and I'm forced into another word battle with my over bearing and under protective ****** flatmates 
I don't know if I believed drugs ruined souls until I saw your hearts turn to vicodin art projects and your eyes to steel blades 
I thought love was a four letter word with nothing but warmth radiating from its vowels but now I know it to be a cold noun which is to be thrown at me when I'm not wanted in your presence 
Straws are for drinking hot coffee but yours are cut in two's and fueling nostrils with more than caffeine could ever hope to achieve 
Mary Lambert claims she's touched trees with charred limbs but I'm watching two burn out of control and I know the thing about forest fires is that they don't tend to stop
Stop lying that youre trying your hardest to stop competing with caffiene and that your heart will soon again pump clean blood 
We both know that lies and pills go hand in hand and soon each hand will be blue and cold and I sincerely hope you love each other because pretending you'll achieve what you can't possibly desire is a lonely way to go

I wonder often how my life could be different

If my lips wouldn’t have kissed 9 beer bottles
Would they have had the courage to touch yours?
If my pockets never felt my hands leave
Would you have slipped yours in as well?
If I wouldn’t have told you how I felt
Would you have told me about your feelings?
I guess I worry too much about the past
I wouldn’t take any of it back
Regret nothing and move forward

11/23/13**
my only friend
mr.e.d.

i wish he would leave me be for awhile
maybe let me pick myself up off the ground
brush the dirt off of my clothing
take a warm warm shower
and let myself feel human again

but mr.e.d. is selfish
as am i
we both want beauty
we both want to risk it all

i dont quite remember how i met him
we must’ve shook hands one night
when i was feeling too low
because i know he lifted me up
and kissed my nose and whispered
"ill help you become yourself"

i knew mr.e.d. would become my everything
but i didn’t understand what that meant
until he had me gasping for air
between pools of half digested food
crying promises to the toilet bowl
"ill change ill change i promise"

i don’t want to leave mr.e.d.
because he helped me become
who i am
and i owe him
my
life

im sorry that my friends don’t like you mr.e.d.
im sorry that i promised them i’d leave you
but you know me better than that
im loyal
and you
are my everything

I always thought that
not being yours
was the worst feeling
that I could ever experience

but now I’ve come across
an even emptier feeling

I can finally call you mine
but almost every single night
I’m still alone

11/26/13*
our love is like world peace
non-existant but im yearning for it

sometimes i sit in my room
in my boxers
thinking about you
with a playlist on
all about
unrequited
love

i want to know what its like
when you’re alone in *your room
do you sit in your
underwear
listening to music
thinking about
me?

i want to touch you
and learn about your body
because you’re the most
interesting beautiful
complex fragile
human i know

however
sadly

im sitting in my room
in my boxers
with my playlist
and this
is what i hope to be
chapter 1 in the book of us

chapter 2: requited love, the forever journey.

snow is dancing outside your window
tiny reminders sent from the clouds
if you listen close you'll hear them whispering
small encouragements to touch your lover

as her breath dances on your neck
the snow catches your ears
its quietly singing
warmer warmer

as your kisses litter her stomach
the snow softly hums along
further further

as her gasps fill your ears
and your name is stuttered sweetly
the snow will dully whisper
louder louder

as her fingernails claw your skin
and your back becomes artwork
the snow is numbly chanting
deftly deftly

volatile encouragements
from evanescent crystals
animate adoring hearts

1/8/14**
my hands will shake as i write this
mostly because of the nicotine
but also because
they miss yours

my head will spin as i write this
mostly because of the nicotine
but also because
i feel alone

lighting a cigarette now has a different meaning
am i smoking to ease my pain?
am i smoking to ease the loneliness?
not anymore

cigarettes have become nicotine packed promises
im promised to miss you even more
im promised to feel it in my head
in my hands
in my legs
in my chest

the smoke that escapes my lips is no longer my troubles leaving me
im promised to feel worse after this
the smoke is like a signature

lighting it is almost me writing out a contract
the cigarette is a promise
i give consent to feeling worse
the smoke signs it for me
because my hands are trembling

Discussing feelings makes me uneasy
However
I'd rather ***** my love
Than purge my hate