I seem
To have forgotten
why
That girl is
Struggling to
Get away from
Her own body
Of a
Cigarette.
It seems thin
Enough to me

"You've got a tendency in taking all your clothes off."
"I believe in a thing called love."
"I wish my heart was always on her mind, cause she's on mine like all day all the time."
"I do not love you for the way you dress, but you do look so lovely tonight."
"I don't wanna be in love I don't wanna be in love."
"Sitting here alone, I can't help but to think, looking back on the people we used to be, why does being so free mean so far away from me?"
"I can hear them playing, I can hear the ringing of a beat up old guitar, oh ohhh, I can hear them singing, 'keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.'"
"Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you. And I wouldn't dream of going no where."
"I can stand here strong, cold as stone, seems so wrong, I can't explain it. Maybe it's just I've cried so much, I'm tired and I'm numb, baby I hate it."
"Hey, you're a crazy *****, but you **** so good I'm on top of it."
"Gave you a minute, when you needed an hour"
"The whole **** world is just as obsessed with who's the best dressed and who's having ***."

You had me wrapped up inside of you
And it was the closest thing I've ever come to
Hating my world and what I do inside of it
And inside of... I guess my everything.
I made the wind blow throughout you
And this is how you repay yourself?
You have this way of wanting to forget
And I don't think you understand why.
Forget me.
Forget her.
Forget your own name and let yourself be happy.
I think that you believe that you have to forget
To be okay with what you are.
You are hell on wheels and
You have this tendency to be overwhelmed
By the absence of yourself
That you cannot change.
Let me explain and be quite plain
Forgetting is pain
And forgetting is too tall
Skyscrapers in cities and cop
Cars that showed up for no **** reason
Because you aren't going to jump
And forgetting is letting go
Unwillingly
Of everything you have ever even
Lied to to tell it that you loved them
And forgetting is lies.
You can never forget.
Because forgetting would mean
You got out and you never will
Because the torment you feel,
It lives inside of you
And it is never going away.

I cannot stand this demented idea that
I love you for the way
You walk away from me with a smile on your face
And that I should love you for the way you
Rank an 8.5 but you're the only one I've kissed.
I don't want to love you for your skin
Your smile and your eyes and your ***
And the way you bite your lip and the way your hand fits in mine.
I don't want to be one of those girls to you
That finds you extremely **** and hot.
I'm not one of those girls.
Girlie, I do love all of those things about you.
I truly do.

I do not tell you this enough.
Love will never be physical for me.
Love is when you write to me
And when I can't go an hour, much less a day
Without you on my mind
And how we couldn't make it three days
Without kissing
We are in love
Puppy dog stage or not
And ****, you **** me when you
Walk away, but I love you anyway.

Drops of rain
Are still hitting
My face

They are the closest
Thing I have
To tears

I've been waiting
For Heaven
To open
The floodgates
And save me
From the sin
I'm drowning in

But I've come
To realize
That it the flood
That needs to take
Over my
Broken heart
Will never
Be powerful
Enough to live
An eternity

The dams will
Break and I
Will find myself
Building them
Back with a stronger
Concrete if
The past proves
To any constilation

So no more
Floods and no
More drizzles

I need down
Pours of Your
Love and grace
That will continue
Until my
Never dying heart
Stops beating

I've always loved
The rain too much
To stop it
From covering me

I don't want to listen to you talk about a dead boy
His mother must be in tears
And his father staring into nothing
Trying to find the soul of the one he lost
I'm sorry for them
I truly am
I just don't want to listen to you talk about it
You have this way of talking like you knew them
Well, of course you did.
His mother cut your hair
And his dog bit your daughter
So of course you knew them all
But you could not tell me why
That boy was drinking last night
Or why he was driving too fast
You couldn't give me that
And I couldn't care less that his body is dead
But with every word that leaves your mouth
The idea of him
Keeps withering away
Because I doubt anyone truly knew him

What other reason would a 19 year old
Have for drinking and driving too fast?

crawling
dear god help her
she cant find legs
and she cant find any sound
the world has shut her out
what is she to do
when theyve stripped
her of all she loves

breaking
someone save her
im watching
from the sidelines
and im surrounded by
this thick glass
and there is no where
to go
so i watch her struggle
and for once
i can feel the tears
on my cheeks

crushing
stop stepping on her bones
they were fragile
back when i got the chance
to handle them
between the dark nights
and the tired days
she never let me
hold them for more
than an hour
but you've had them
for far too long
and im afraid of
your damage

shattering
cant you see what
you have done to her
shes been brainwashed
and beaten by them
and all you do is
watch behind this glass
you could have
stopped this
saved her the trouble
i could have

dead*
but i didnt
and
i
dont
know
what
to
do
other
than
watch
at
this
point

I want to punch in a wall.
Because I'm alone.
And being alone is how this all started.
I can't afford to relapse.
But I've lost everyone.
Because I lost her.
And everyone thought it'd be okay to mess with me.
People think it's a good idea to make their move when I am vulnerable.
But no.
You made your move and I locked you out.
Who said it was a good idea to prey on a heartbroken girl?
No.
Someone explain that to me.
Is it because I got so sad that I started texting a girl from England?
Does that justify it?
I hate that girl.
She makes me sick, Emily does.
So exactly who thought it would be okay to rip me to pieces?
And why did everyone decide to join in on the game?
I don't understand.
Two of you have seen me break down over my heartbreak.
But you did it anyway.
I don't want another apology.
I HATE pretending that I don't care.
Because I am human.
I hate having my heart torn out as much as the next girl.
Maybe more.

"It gets better."
Her words still play
In the back of my mind
Every time that song plays
And I can feel the
Room around me.

Those words are stitched
Into my brain like
My mom told me never
To allow needles to tattoo me.
But it's okay.
Because my life isn't over
And this is just high school
The world isn't crumbling down
At least not on all sides.
I have something to
Hold on to.

"It gets better."

From now on
From here until
The end of
Time I will
Spell your last
Name with an
"E" because that
Is how they
Would spell it
In places you
Would never appear
And the idea
Of never seeing
You again is
Appealing to me
In this moment.

J. C.

No, we will not.
She's a class act liar
With a pair of lips attached.
I've not let myself be angry with her.
Her eyes always seemed so kind.
I watched her cry over her father on the bathroom floor.
She told me she was attracted to me
Because I didn't push her to tell me
About herself.
So she lied.
She put us in this mess.
It was never about my cutting
Though I'm stopping that anyway.
It was always the lies.
The lies that we're not needed.
But they sat there and boiled under her skin.
I learned not to trust her stories.
I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter.
But lies do.
Lies have me crying most nights
And bring her picture and my necklace to my lips.
Lies have destroyed us all.

You're always caught on the wrong end of silence
Disposable
Isn't that the word you used
To describe yourself to her?
But you know you are not trash
Just a piece of hell wrapped into a skin bag
Who always ends up on the wrong end of silence
Part of me, a big part of me,
Is waiting for you to realize that love is useless
When compared to the silence that drowns you
Look around.
Two years of silence from that boy.
Two years.
An abundance of silence
Because
"I had hoped you would have handled this yourself by now."
Until it became convenient for her to tell
And open her mute mouth.
And silence because
What you do is just
Too horrible to speak about
So you, they, shut it away
And look at you now.
Can you even breath under that water?
But people say sound moves slower
Under strong currents and especially in the
Blood like density of this water
Can't you see that no one is coming?
That you are drowning?
No words are coming out towards you.
She's gone.
The silence is real and you
Won't wake up from the dream
Two years later and forgive him.
Won't have to hear her tell someone and
Get what you do on record.
Won't have to listen to a woman
Tell you things you already know.

Anna is gone.
And all you have left is this silence.

You,
             once my  e
                              v
                               e
                                r
                                 y
                                   t
                                    h
                                       i
                                          n
                                            g,

                          are fading, my darling.

I'm not quite sure
Which I hate more:
The day you left
Or the day I
*Agreed to all of this.

One of our friends:
She once told me that our love was a tragic love story.
We are the broken ones, she said,
Who just happened to stumble upon one another.
We are a tragic love story.
And I'm just hoping
We get our eventual happily ever after,
Even if the author doesn't give it to us
And we have to conjure up
Our own ending.

I woke up this morning
With my heart beating too slow
And my breath coming
In short gasps
Ribs were breaking
Inside of me
And I couldn't stop them
My hands were pressing
Against my chest
But I couldn't beat
A steady rhythm into it

A straight tempo
When everyone knows
That there is an odd
Thump that coincides
With a healthy heart
A tempo of 58
Slow and solemn

My breathing was labored
Like I was being drowned
But there was no water
On or near my kitchen table
Just me,
The pain leaking
Out of the cracks
In my body
And some blood
That I was too tired
To let out of my skin.

It doesn't feel like
We agreed on it
It feels like I talked
To you in a dream
And I'm still doubting
What I know to be true
But I'll wait anyway
In hopes that I didn't
Dream and you will
Be waiting for me
When I get to see you
Smile again like I used to.

My breathing
           Was only
                  Labored
                        With your
                 Hands up
         My shirt.

I've never been one
For making first moves
Or for being competent
When I was expect to be.

I've never been one
For giving my all
Or for opening up my heart
When that's all they want.

I've never been one
For showing my thoughts
Or for giving up my writing
Which makes up my entire being.

I've never been one
For angry fits and cussing
Or for staying around
When things get too rough.

I've never been one
For moving too fast
Or for letting anyone
Truly understand why.

I've never been one
For hand holding
Or kissing in public
When we aren't together.

I've never been one
For love and romance
Or for lust and passion
When the time called for it.

I've never been one
For a lot of things
But you have me
Wishing I could be.

I find it funny that you do not know my name.
You know me as my demon, Leigh.
The one who calls you up when she can't feel.
But maybe you do that to me too.
You have no voice in my head
Because you aren't worth hers.
Anna's voice is reserved for the finer memories.
I can't really talk about Anna
Much anymore because of what I've done.
You seem like a sweet girl, little Emily.
But, you see, I'm in love
And you are just a form of ***
While she is under their watch.
You are my way of ignoring the fact
That my girlie.
My Anna.
Is gone for now.
So I'll keep on talking to you until
I get to see her again.
And we'll use each other until then.
I'm okay with that.
Are you?

Fill my lungs with flowers
I'm not used to coughing
but I'd gladly produce for you the seeds
So that you may see.
You can plant them in your
garden of regrets and
I'll keep a few for my own.
Who would have known?
Somethings perceived as good
in reality they were weeds
crawling up my throat.
Perhaps my little garden is comprised
of dandelions and dayflowers and
other things too small
for human adoration.
Maybe I am too too small.
Pluck the petals from my hair,
count and see-
Undoubtedly, she loves me.

Do better.

I've never been one to turn a serious card over, especially only after barely a month.

Much less after four days.

I have this tendency
To, when asked
How I am,
Say something along
The lines of
I'm fine.
Daniel
Or Meghan
Or Anna
Or Hayden Grace
Or Will
Or my mother
Or my father
Or anyone
Did something.
Said something.
Felt something...
I never answer the question.

I've made myself
Not matter
Inside my own skin.

You once told me that I was more
Sunrise than sunset
And I'm starting to see where you
Were coming from

I saw a sunset for the first time since
They took you away
And I saw purples and oranges
Clinging to the clouds

I've seen many sunsets these past
Few weeks without you
They had a tendency to be your
Forte, not mine

Sunsets are red with fire and dying
Days and loves
Sunrises were always bright and
Glorious but alas

Most sunrises I've seen recently have
Been too ******
Maybe it is because I'm without you
Or not so much

I miss my beautiful sunrises
My short hair corrisponds with
Your sunsets
So for now they will do.

I imagine that your fingertips will have burnt off
By the time I try to make this better
What is the point in trying if they will never
Have the chance to singe you again but this time
With more passion than unadulterated fear?
I don't know what they feel like from hands
Other than my own
But now you have that under your belt
I'd rather be burned by the acid they let off
Than produce it of my own accord.
You exclaimed vulgarity when the acid
Made contact with your fingertips.
To whom were you fitfully angry?
Yourself who only fell in love with a girl
They constantly lingered upon?
You who stumbled upon it in
Some kind of lust and affection?
Or perhaps me?
The one who sits in bedrooms and never cries
When she produces her own form of acid.
Me, who laughs at the pain.
Who likes the color the water turns.
Who likes fresh blades.
Me, who let your fingertips touch me!
How can you be angry at yourself when
This is who I am?!

I never intended to hurt you
Acid has been pouring for a year
You're fairly new to the hatred I live
I cannot apologize enough for the idea
That I want to let more acid fall
Because I adore your lips
And I need them far too much
Please forgive me and your burnt hands
They do not mean so much harm to me
Jealousy may take them over at times.
Look at me, speaking as if I have
No control over what they do.
I do all of this to myself.

Forgive me, acid, for I want to repay
Her fingertips for your damage and
What I have done to my poor girl.
I want you to be done and finished
Gone and disposed of and never ag-

I find it funny that you think you can defeat me

I'm sorry, girlie.
My one more time will never be enough.

I'm getting angry at you again.
I put everything away
I though
Out of sight, out of mind
But you have not failed
To stay in my head
EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY
SINGLE DAY.

I've never seen a clock in that room
The only way I keep time is the
Clomping of the foot steps
Of a woman-
No, wait, those are a man's-
That passes overhead
Every quarter hour for some reason.
I think those are the steps
Of some kind of politician.
All I know is that it is a man.

I feel the words droll out of my
Mouth and between my teeth.
Hasn't anyone ever heard
What I have to say?
No? Well that's unhealthy.
So I hear my own life
Fill the space between
My corpse and this
Stranger and somehow
I feel a little bit better.

A breath fills me and
My heart is of a normal beat
And it feels like I can walk
Without falling down.
Who knows, maybe I will try
The next time I get off
Of this couch.
I've been killing my feet
By touching the floor
Without the ability to
Really walk and now
I can feel the world open up.

I have had this feeling before
And it would come as fast as
It took my hand to glide
A blade over my skin and
For that same skin to split open.
But it would leave after a second.
Maybe it would last as long
As it took me to clean up the blood.
But it never lasted.
I had to go deeper.
And deeper.
And deeper.
Just to get the same feeling
Twice or three times.
It was never enough.

Walking out of this room is different.
I hear the man's foot steps
For the third, or fourth, time,
Depending on my stability
That day and
My feet hit the floor.
I am walking.
I feel awkward about grabbing
The door handle before the stranger.
But I decide that's okay.
I walk out.
I go home.
And I'm still okay.

The taste of tic tacs on your tongue will always be too over powering. But I'd be okay with it if I still got to kiss you.

I've had a great week
She held my hand
And my lips were
So close to hers
And I fell for her
One more time
Like I do every
Time I look at her
And every time
She says something.

I'm just waiting
To see that face again
I'm waiting to
See her cry
And to say
They are moving her
Away from me
Because we couldn't
Keep our
Hands off of
Each other.
I'm waiting for
The happiness
To end.

What is stopping you?







Her.

Never believed.
Told to.
So did.
Sat quietly.
Spoke softly.
Came often.
Not enough.
Given water.
Given body.
Given blood.
Six girls.
Made promises.
Gone now.
Empty words.
Cold crosses.
Still showed.
Came barely.
Sat alone.
But quietly.
Spoke never.
Told to.
Yelled to.
Asked to.
Prayed to.
Beaten to.
Pleaded to.
Could not.
Never believed.

It
Took
Them
Nine
Days
To
Catch
Us.
We've
Had
Nine
Days
Without
Them
Involved.
Our love grew on hiding...
That scares me.

So my makeup did look pretty today
Who knew that I could curl my own hair
And that I don't do a horrible
Job at making myself up?
I shouldn't be allowed at weddings.

I don't want to be me anymore
I want to be someone
Different from who you all know.
So here is my new name.
At least on the internet
Because I can't stand to be called
Jess and I always wanted to
Name a girl Kori,
But I don't really think I'll
Want kids, so who better
To name than myself?

You left and you became a ghost
For all of us.
Not just me.
I see you swimming in their eyes.
And it's sad
We all still think of you
When we shouldn't.

you see, there is this girl, you see
she isn't like a girl in a painting of new york city
where her face is blurred in because
the painter didn't know who she really was
and her hands aren't shaking every time
she puts metal up to her lips
out of fear of rejection
you see this girl
with so much passion and lust
but never love
and you wonder where you have seen her before
because you just know that you have
she is just too familiar to you

and you just have to wonder
why exactly
her green eyes show you
this other girl who you know you've
seen somewhere before
and she just happens to be you
and all you are seeing in this
girl is you and
all you are seeing in this moment
is you and
all you are ever seeing is
you and
all you'll ever know is you
and
you are the reason her eyes
only show reflections.

Every time he says the
Misconstrued and fragmented
Phrase "Sok"
I hear your voice.
I hear that little girl voice
You would use when you
Were playful and you
Wanted something from me.
You always knew it would work.

The way he kept looking
At me on Friday;
It was the same look you gave
Me on a different Friday
Because I couldn't help
But feel the love in my eyes
That I'm still unable to describe.
You caught me staring
A little too closely and
Had my heart beating
So quickly.
I blush horribly but
You always seemed to be
Able to make me do it.

I notice how that pretty girl
Across the food court from me
Had hair that was purely
Brown with no highlights
And it was perfectly straight
With no wave to it.
She was only pretty in
The way of conformity then.
She didn't have your
Lighter streaks and her
Hair wasn't a mess.
It didn't look almost gray
Under the lights
Of a football stadium.

I can't write the word gray
Without thinking of you.
The first time I wrote it
In this poem, I wrote it
With an A.
You know I spell it with an E.
Unless I'm thinking of you.
Grey seems a little too
Wrong to write now.

He isn't playful enough.
But only in comparison to you.
She isn't pretty enough.
But only when next to your beauty.
No one has the right set of teeth.
No one has the right color eyes.
No one blushes all the time.
No one has the right hand shape.
No one has the right hair.
No one has the right body.
No one has the right soul.
No one has the right mind.

No one but you.

I told you that you would
Always be in my way
They are all flawed
In every way
Because no one has the same set of
Constellations between their bones
That I can call
Some kind of a home.
It will never be a bad thing.
I'm just strung up on the girl
I love.
Because I do.
I love her.
And nothing you can
Say
Or do
Or lock away
Will stop me from
Giving her my heart.

I'm still holding on.

It's dark in this room
I don't know what
Monsters
Hide in the corners
That my little sister
Used to be afraid of
And I don't know what
Is crawling in my closet
All I know is that
I don't care enough
Anymore

The demons in my
Head hold a darkness
Greater than the
Absence of light.

She bit it back. Whatever she had to say
It was pounding against her teeth
In the manor of an innocent man
Clutching the bars, screaming at his
Keeper for his immediate release
But, alas, no one ever came
And so her words were flowing
Over my skin but she still had
Locks in the line of her jaw
And it scares me to think her
Prisoner is screaming something
Other than "I love you."

There is a box of blades in the drawer above the trash cans. I know where they are. I could steal one in the middle of the night. And no one would know. I could do it. I love those blades. They make me feel powerful. Like no one can stop me. Like this is my life and I can destroy it if I want to.