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Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
At midnight, I hastily
Tore threw a book
Trying to find the things that
Keep me some kind of
But I couldn't find them
And I wanted to yell
And I fell to the floor
To search for my home
Only to find them on
Page 111 of
My favorite book.
And at 12:10
This morning
It happened the first time.

I stumbled away from
The line I had left
And I picked up
The thing that hold
My tiny life and I escape
To a little box
In the corner and I
Pulled the new one
Off of the page
And it happened for
The second time.

I threw a different
Book my bag and
Walked away again
Only to find myself back
Where I had been half
An hour before
And I locked the door
Then I opened that book
To page 111
Making it happen
For the third time today.

I took my baby with me
With my best friend
By my side
Pulling at my hair
And I went to a room
To put them down
I left both of them there,
Turned back and grabbed the book
Which was in a bag,
Walked past a room
With one of the most
Important people
In my life sitting at a desk,
And walked down the hall.
I locked the door again,
Opened to page 111
And it happened for
The fourth time.

Fifth will be when
I escape from this car.
Sixth will be
Before I shower.
And there won't be a
Not until it
Is the ninth.
At 12:10.
And I start
All over again.
For the idea
Of anonymity,
Call it a bible.
But wait,
I believe in
God now...
Call it a Perk.
Jessica Leigh Jan 2016
The people I love have bigger problems
Than just me.
One thousand sixth days I know
I am worth loving
Tendencies have a way of allowing us,
Especially me,
To forget that solemn fact.
Between my consistent need for most
And a dire need for answers on
Someone's part
There must be something said of indecision
Amongst a lack of decision
All I can truly vouch for would be this:
Jessica Leigh Jul 2014
I'm afraid you will make the same decision that so many others have:
That I am just
*Not worth the pain
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
I never got the chance
To tell her
That secretly
I call her my angel.
She never did like
But she tolerated
Girlie and baby
Because she loved me.
Angel seemed a little
Too far for us.
But in my head
That was what she was.
She saved me from
The demon my
Mother's many
Marriages had planted.
She made me see light
On my darkest nights
And I let her.
She held me in her arms
And promised to
Protect me and
Guide me when I was lost
As long as I helped her
From time to time.
But even if I didn't
Always know what
To say
She always watched
Over me
And protected me.

So yes,
She was my secret angel.
And one day
I will get the chance
To explain
That to her.
Jessica Leigh Jan 2015
A coward, if only I could change it
To create the letters given to you
By a shrew and the punching bag he hit.
You called it worthless, yet I had no clue.
They came to you with slight hesitation
Yet no amount of love or light had power
To stop your fear of the situation,
And to keep you safe locked in their towers.
I watched you hang in their arms, no fighting
Glare in your eyes, but an "I love you" spilled
Silently behind closed doors, more hiding
Even when we had been exposed and killed.
I will see you soon, but where could I start?
You've forgotten how much you stole my heart.
I still can't find the right collection
Of syllables and schemes to capture
Who you were to me. I'm sorry.
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
A hand on a young girl's waist
With drops of blood falling to the sheets
And a whimper escaping chapped lips
At the expense of waking an empty house
Full of caring and deaf ears
And for that matter, blind eyes
Drowning in lies, smiles, and bleach.

Flesh falling off adolescent bone
On a public sofa in a warm living room
Crowded with dead loved ones
Or the images of events
Gone by in her life.

Her body curls in on the sofa
Collapsing as it sinks into the corners
So her toes do not linger an inch
From dead bodies and ice and cloth
When she escapes from the cushions
Those dead legs get in her path
A fraction of a second of touching-

Blood on her legs and staining pink sheets
Pain in her stomach and tears streaming
Grunts in her ears and clothes strewn-

She was cold before she left the heat
And her toes curled as she limped
Red splashing the dark floor
And whimpers escaping stapled lips
As she fell into a different type of cold
And the blood froze on the page
Lined with blue tears and sweat.
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
I don't want to start something again...
Because I may end up losing you...
It's been a blissful few weeks...
Of us just being together...
It felt good and I'm waiting on it to end...
And maybe my demons will be the one...
To do it for us...
Because you are right...
All we do is lie to each other...
And I've run out of ink to tell you why...
Maybe one day I will be over...
This sickness that no one needs...
To know of...
And maybe one day...
He won't hurt you like he does...
Or you won't be there for him to...
And one day...
This will be accepted...
And I won't have to prove...
To you that I am not ashamed...
To kiss you in a crowded hallway...
I live for one days...
I'm scared neither of ours...
Will be coming...
Anytime soon...
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
There are just
Some things
That shouldn't be
Written down
Or made into a poem
Because the
Thoughts inside
My head are too
For the language
Settings on my computer
Or for the lead
In my pencil to have
Enough force
Behind it
To make the words.
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
I woke up this morning
With my heart beating too slow
And my breath coming
In short gasps
Ribs were breaking
Inside of me
And I couldn't stop them
My hands were pressing
Against my chest
But I couldn't beat
A steady rhythm into it

A straight tempo
When everyone knows
That there is an odd
Thump that coincides
With a healthy heart
A tempo of 58
Slow and solemn

My breathing was labored
Like I was being drowned
But there was no water
On or near my kitchen table
Just me,
The pain leaking
Out of the cracks
In my body
And some blood
That I was too tired
To let out of my skin.
Jessica Leigh Jun 2014
You look so beautiful to-night
My angel
Your lips curve and I'm mesmerized
By the way they seem to make my
Name seem important
Even when I've fallen for the way
"I love you" slips off of my tongue
At first glance
I like judging books by their covers
Because, ****, you have your life
Written in your features
And I haven't seen that in someone
Recently and when the abnormal
Mind sees that in a normal person,
They become attached.
You must know Gatsby
And by God you noticed the reference
Will you marry me now?
I would throw out my precautions
For a girl who could
Recognize a quote
From Gatsby and ****, a
Girl who looks just like you.
You're extravagant and
I can't keep my eyes off of your
Will you be my Daisy?
Will you cuss like a lady when you
Have me at your lips
Because I can't keep referencing
That ******* book
When I'm out of options.
I just had to say you are very
Lovely to-night
And I miss you
But pictures will have to do, my angel.
Be my Daisy?
Jessica Leigh May 2014
I'm not giving up.
I promise.
I am still yours.
I'm just a little bit lost.
Don't hate me, girlie.
I love you.
I really do.
I'm just lost.
One day you will read this.
And you will hate me for what I'm doing.
But what do you expect?
I'm shutting down.
I'm breaking.
The term from the inside out makes sense.
My heart shattered.
Now my entire life is.
You made me happy.
I'm just trying to substitute it.

because you are betraying the girl you love

And let the tears fall.
Jessica Leigh Mar 2014
Let you and I retreat to a room
And talk of it
Let it fall upon you
And question you and me.
Women come and go.
I dare to say
In a minute I
Should know you in the way
I have known perfume
That makes me digress
And I shall say that
Lonely men have
Stretched here beside you.
I have wept upon the moment
My greatness would
Have been worth you and me
Would it have been worth while
To have to question all you say?
I mean if the worth should
Mean all I meant -
Almost a fool.
I shall sing till we drown.
I had to do a blackout poem for my English class. The original poem was "The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T. S. Eliot.
Jessica Leigh Mar 2014
I think
The medicine
Is causing me
To want to die
Because I really
Don't want to die
I want to live
But my hands
Only allow
Me to cut
Open my skin
On my wrist
In a second
I almost go
Too deep
And it doesn't
Scare me.
Jessica Leigh Oct 2014
The hardest part of you being gone
Is the fear that I'm
Never going to find love again
Because all the interest
In the world can't keep me
Captivated like you did.
They aren't unpredictable
And **** and spacey
And mature
Or anything like you.
They bore me.

They make me sleep
And all that sleep brings me
Is dreams of you.
Jessica Leigh Feb 2015
I have the overwhelming
Desire to scream your name
Down empty hallways
In hopes that your ghost
Will hear me and at least
Take to haunting something
Other than my mind.
Jessica Leigh Mar 2014
She threatened him
He called her bluff
And now he's gone
It's just us again
Am I shocked?
No, because this
Always happens
After some time
With everyone
Of those men.
And I've gotten
Used to what
She does to us.

You told me that
I never gave
You any reasons
And you are right.
When you start
Giving reasons,
Someone will get
Close to you
And I can't do that
Because she always
Had to.
She gave reason
After reason
After ******* reason
And she drove
Them away.

So no,
I never give you
But I guess this
Is one.
Maybe you will
Never read this
And maybe
You won't give
Me the chance
To be like
My mother.
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
Sitting and watching beauty pass me by
Had always been a simple task
When it came to beautiful music
And trees that acted like knives against
The blue and white sky that
Made sense in my eyes at the time
But the edges of the trees,
Toward the bottom, of course,
Had a tendency to be cut off by
Glass and the material her
Dash board was made if
She threw ice at their trunks
Who ever told her about their love of cold?
Who could when the love never existed?
I lost sight of the oak trees
I climbed before her demons took
Over what I knew of her and myself
The blue and white of my pure sky
Vanished behind red, the color
Of some adolescent's blood
And a grey shade of hatred
Brought by a lover's dead eyes.
The needles of the branches
Cowarded behind the idea that
Her type of winter could never come
Until the thrashing wind was
Knocking against the glass and
The dash board froze over
With too many diamonds and rubies.
Sitting and watching her destruction
**** all I'd ever loved in my world
Had always been a simple task.

Until the glass came shattering in.
Jessica Leigh Jul 2014
I think of all the things in the world,
The future is the hardest thing
To hold onto.
Jessica Leigh Sep 2014
"The future is even harder to hold onto
When you have no chance of living it."
-Anna Gray
Jessica Leigh Nov 2014
I think I've lost it.
My god
It's been 7 months.
And I'm crying myself
To sleep because
She won't answer me.
She can't.
And I'm praying to god she
Will respond.
That she will come back.
I've lost it.
I can't stop crying.
Anna please come back.
Break a rule.
Don't fall in love with
Some one else.
I miss you and I love you.
Come back.
Jessica Leigh Jul 2014
I've learned to hate the smell of chlorine
And how my brother is a year and a half older
Then my sister and they are not related.
I've learned to hate a small abundance of things
That I never saw before.
I like how I truly hate pools even though
I grew up swimming. It seems a little too much
Like what they wanted for me
Which was always pretentious and scary
To me.
You've forgotten me, I think.
Like she forgot my birthday one year
And lost that court case,
That's the way you have forgotten me.
I'll forgive you for it
Regretfully, but I know
You were thinking of more important things
Than the girl who believes you are the
Love of her life.
I guess I always knew
You'd have to come running back because
I am such a hurricane
And I introduced you to my own brand of
Destruction (I guess you could call it)
And you're addicted.
I hate that you corrected yourself
When you called me a type of poison.
I'm venomous. And you knew that, Anna.
I hate how I constantly have to bring you up
So you don't run back here one day and think
That my thoughts have not been
Tormented by the very thought of
You every second of everyday since you left

I can't bear to have you think anything but the truth.
I hate a lot of things.
You and I are both included in this list.
The only dynamic difference is that
I'm also in love with you and I,
Especially together,
Despite my tendency to hate stupid ideas.
Jessica Leigh Jun 2014
Life is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel.
Jessica Leigh Jun 2014
Big deals
They come
One time only
And she made them
Like she made cookies
From scratch on New Years
Eve for me and her father who
Took them out of the oven before
They were done and I watched
Her smile falter when he
Entered her bedroom
But I tried to make
It reappear when
It was just us

That was the way she made big deals.
Jessica Leigh Dec 2014
Beauty and bliss
My heart is flying
Clarity and a kiss
What is this?
I'm beating my chest
With all my strength
And I'm giving my best
With all I've been
I'm not sure I can do this.
Hurt and pain
Love and hate
Man I love the hit
That comes with you
And that look in your eyes.
Just a glimmer of peace
And a pinch of rest.
I could get used to
The thumping
In my worn out chest.
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
I want to convince her that this is wrong
That she shouldn't do this to herself
But I don't know what to do
To convince her of this truth
So I end up doing the same thing.
Jessica Leigh Oct 2014
I spent years
Climbing walls that
People built up against me,
Using the rocks I brought down to
Build my own.
Locked inside a cage
I panicked.
So I had to stop climbing.
I had to stop building.
I had to face the fact
That I got thrown off of her wall
Into my own
And mine tumbled to pieces
And she was gone before I could
See the damage I made.
The old me would always
Try and help people
Who were hurting even
When they didn't want help.
But I've made myself sick
With worry about
Which of them won't show
Up at school one day
And I've cut myself
To stop the voices
Saying it's all my fault
They hate themselves.
I'm not good enough.

I can't say that anymore,
Because it isn't true.
I can't save those who don't want to be
Especially when no one
Wanted to save me
And I'm still digging
My way out of my cell.
Jessica Leigh Aug 2014
You have this line up of steps
And here you are
One two three four
But your toes are out of line
With the calories you shouldn't have eaten
And by the way, everyone noticed,
Everyone judged, when you
Bit your tongue to keep from
Feeling what she does to you.
You messed up your
Seven and your eights
And you are out of step with the beat.
Catch up, girlie,
They're leaving you behind.
Jessica Leigh Oct 2014
Plans and plans and plans.
I give you a month
To sleep with her
And then you'll be okay.
You'll be fine.
Like Josh said,
"We have to get your
Face in a girl by the time you graduate."
You've got to get it done.
So you can stop being
Tormented by her
In your dreams.
Jessica Leigh Jun 2014
I cannot see why you hate it so much: what I'm apart of.
All I see is the good.
Your vision is tainted with bad, but I'm not sure why.
It's not even just about this.
You always have to be right.
But no.
What I am doing is WHO I AM.
This is what I do.
And I'm tired of defending myself and
What I am apart of
Because you have no right to put it down.
You put it down, you put me down.
All I saw tonight was good.
Yes, there is bad everywhere.
But the difference between me,
The one who is recovering,
And you,
The one who keeps relapsing
For little things that could mean nothing,
Is that I TRY to see that good.
I don't look at the bad.
I see the girls who smiled tonight,
And that one boy who tried to help
Me at volleyball, where I am weak.
I don't see the anarchy that
Someone told you was there.
All I saw was love.
And I belonged there.
So no more putting it down,
At least not to me.
You will not make me unhappy
Like you tend to be.
Jessica Leigh Jun 2014
I've been doing so well
But I have this urge
That someone
******* someone

Implanted in me
That makes me wish to
Turn my new white bed frame
Blood red
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
the blurred face of a ******* a picture of a new york city street
someone too lazy to give her an identity
or someone too afraid to let her paint in her own features
but her daddy and mommy never painted
english majors don't paint
or draw and neither did she
so she was a blur to everyone she met
maybe because she ran too fast
or her steps were too small
her legs weren't long enough
someone should have at least painted in her crooked smile
so i could see it just one more time
under the city lights
and in the blues of the reflected skyscraper windows
Jessica Leigh Mar 2014
She had to be somebody's definition of
There was always a part of her that
Held onto what she had to let go
And there seemed to be no way to
Stop the demons from flooding her mind.

She had to be somebody's definition of
Her head liked to play games
With the way her hair fell in
Front of her eyes especially if
Someone was attempting to read her.

She had to be somebody's definition of
What was so wrong with playing with
Matches if she was okay enough
And had steady hands that
Seemed to always write in pen?

She had to be somebody's definition of
Someone had once told her that hellos
Were just as useless as sorrys
But they never brought up the word
That she had a tendency to give away.

She had to be somebody's definition of
Compared to what she had become
Monsters didn't live in the back of closets
And there was nothing under her bed
But crumpled up poems and tissues.

She had to be somebody's definition of
The closest anyone has seen her to crying
In the past 5 years was that
Moment she ran away because
She didn't want to tell anyone.

She had to be somebody's definition of
All she had wanted was to get better
All they seemed to be able to do was yell
So she closed up again with her lies
And puts the right dose in her every morning.

She had to be somebody's definition of
Otherwise she didn't matter
But maybe she didn't, not to all of us
Perhaps she didn't matter because
She wouldn't let herself.
Jessica Leigh Mar 2014
You keep telling me to start my sentences over.
Words tumble from my lips at lightning speed
Forgive me if I say something in my head that I meant to give you
And if I let you into a corner of my mind currently owned
By my confused demons

They aren't used to this kind of weather

I can't seem to be able to wrap my head around you
Or me, it seems
But they will adjust to this warmth
If you can even call it that
If you can even call me that
Warm, I mean
They like their 40 degree rainy days with the wind beating them

I keep losing every train of thought I've been handed

Has it started to show through my writing?
I can't stop my fingers from going too fast.

You keep telling me to start my sentences over.

I just can't think of what I said
Or why I said it
Or who you are
Or what I'm doing in a bathroom alone with another girl
Or why I want the distance to be closed
I can't make it make sense
Who are all these people?
There was a cockroach on my bed.
I'm going insane.
Is bad poetry a side effect of dying?
There went the John Green allusion.
I'm all out of lines and I keep stopping my fingers
To text a friend back about people I don't even know
But they come back and my mind hurts
Well,  I think it does...


...I can't feel my mind enough to understand if it hurts
Or if the medicine is working

It has to be the medicine.
I can only think of one other thing that could make me like this.
My stomach is scars.
No cuts.
You should be proud, girlie.

You keep telling me to start my sentences over.
Jessica Leigh May 2014
ive run out of people
who will
*fight for me
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
Drops of rain
Are still hitting
My face

They are the closest
Thing I have
To tears

I've been waiting
For Heaven
To open
The floodgates
And save me
From the sin
I'm drowning in

But I've come
To realize
That it the flood
That needs to take
Over my
Broken heart
Will never
Be powerful
Enough to live
An eternity

The dams will
Break and I
Will find myself
Building them
Back with a stronger
Concrete if
The past proves
To any constilation

So no more
Floods and no
More drizzles

I need down
Pours of Your
Love and grace
That will continue
Until my
Never dying heart
Stops beating

I've always loved
The rain too much
To stop it
From covering me
Jessica Leigh Jan 2014
I am shaking.
Not of fear.
Or of pain.
But of something deeper.
Something that has taken root
here inside of me.
Others can barely see it.
But I see it in the mirror.
Behind my eyes it sleeps.
It stays there all the time,
eating at me.
Biting at my worth,
my memories,
my life.
And there is nothing I can do to **** it.
Oh but it gives me ideas.
"Cut just another slit and I'll leave."
"Fast for two more days,
then binge and purge. Then I'll go."
"One more sip of *****,
and I won't come back."
"Down twenty pills,
then you get to leave me."
One day I will learn not to listen.
But for today,
I will let it consume me.
Maybe if I don't learn,
it will swallow me.
Not whole though.
Because at that point,
I will be tiny bite sized pieces.
And when it finishes me off,
it will go for those who mourn.
As I lay in a casket,
it will seep into my loved ones.
And it continues to feed.
Until either it has you,
eating you.

Or you're dead.
Jessica Leigh Jul 2014
             once my  e

                          are fading, my darling.
Jessica Leigh May 2014
I find it funny that you do not know my name.
You know me as my demon, Leigh.
The one who calls you up when she can't feel.
But maybe you do that to me too.
You have no voice in my head
Because you aren't worth hers.
Anna's voice is reserved for the finer memories.
I can't really talk about Anna
Much anymore because of what I've done.
You seem like a sweet girl, little Emily.
But, you see, I'm in love
And you are just a form of ***
While she is under their watch.
You are my way of ignoring the fact
That my girlie.
My Anna.
Is gone for now.
So I'll keep on talking to you until
I get to see her again.
And we'll use each other until then.
I'm okay with that.
Are you?
I have no need for love with Emily.
Jessica Leigh Sep 2014
Girlie, if you are reading this,
On the 14th
(Oh that dreaded number),
A year after we started,
They are going to take a peak
Inside of me.
You can guess what they'll see
You've seen it too.
The black tar building inside,
Overriding my everything until
It is some sort of dust.
The slashslashslash of the scars
And the sticky hatred
And disbelief disguised as
What can only be called walls.
But will they see you there,
Sleeping between my ribs
And breathing in and out of
My heart beat,
Which hasn't been regular for six months?
Are they going to see your
Fingerprints in my throat
From where I keep screaming
Your name a little too loudly in
My best and worst dreams?
Will they see the warning lights
And the color of your bed sheets?
I'm convinced they are only
Venturing into the darkness that is me
To find the light that is you.
Jessica Leigh Jan 2014
Collar and hip bones
Thigh gap and skinny wrists
Concave stomach
Boney ankles
It's okay to envy
Your best friend.

Straight teeth
Happy eyes
Wavy brown hair
And an iris to match
I don't see anything
Wrong with
Liking her better.

No scars on her skin
A troubled past
With few sins
A family who loves
She has so much more
Than I ever could

But she has me
To be an example
Of what to never do
Stay stong and
Always know that
She needs you too.

But you believe
Ther is no reason
For her to envy you too.

But there is so much
You know that she
Never could...
Jessica Leigh Mar 2014
I have this indescribable fear that eats me alive
That everything I do
Everything I say to my broken friends
Everything I do to try and make them smile
Everything I do to keep my grades up
Everything I do to make myself better
Everything I say to make them feel better
Everything I say to keep my demons at bay
Everything I've ever told her
About how much I love her
Everything I've ever said
Everything I've ever done
Everything I aspire to be
I fear it will
Never be good enough

That I
Will never be good
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014

Jessica Leigh Jan 2014
Let me assure you that I am aware
That eyes are eyes
Wherther blue, gray, brown, green
for they see what the nose, mouth, ears
Could never begin to fathom.
And yes, I know that many of the colors
Have been given the audacity to
Make hearts flutter to a halt
While others are reduced to acquiring
Their colors from the dullest of souls.
Everyyone can see the pigments
That have surely created the
Being before them.
Yet most are blind to see,
To notice, to care, to love
What lies beneath those
Purely captivating eyes.

Blues scatter throughout
The world we know
From the sky to the ocean
To sad old men
To new baby blankets
To old denim jeans
To new paint and pens.
They run down streets
With a glimmer of emotion
To be seen by more than
Just the blues alone.
They jump and play and skip
From the soles of their feet
To the top most fragment of
Hair on their heads.
Girl envy and swoon over the
Brightness and innocence
Of those blue eyes we see everyday.

Gray for the hardest of men
And the saddest of women,
Almost stone under their lashes
Strength radiating into the eyes
Of others as they stare back in fear.
Indentations from the old beatings,
Heartbreaks, tramas, and even love.
Hard lines of black cross through
The rough outer gray surface
To produce a wall built up
From the iris, pulled and wrapped
Around the heart and mind.
And even if you put your entire
Being into tearing, ripping, crumbling
Their wall, you'll be thrown back
Wishing you had never attempted.

Brown to melt as a new born
Wraps its hand around
A mother's finger
And to glisten when a
Student grasps their torso
Because they were saved by their teacher.
A brown that never hurts
Enough to harden, but loves enough
To smile and be strong.
A brown that is patient and
Knowing, understanding, caring.
Not because they don't know hurt
But for the idea that they've been
Hurt so as to never hurt others.
They will see things that others miss
And get to know secrets that others
Cannot comprehend of imagine.
But every secret will blow at their
Melted eyes, but they will never
Turn to stone.

To look in a mirror and see the
Trees whistling by as you look out
A car window, full of hopes and dreams.
With sky blue walls and small pictures
About older and younger sisters.
A white bed and crooked teeth
To match it in color.
No make-up,hair parted in the middle
And eyes to match her mother's.
A smile on her lips and in her milky eyes.
Then her walls turned blood red
And her teeth became straight while
Her long sleeves were clutched in her fists
And her eyes no longer brightened
At people, only at things she did.
The rest of the time, her eyes held black lines
And only melted from seeing the beauty
Of life in something other than herself.

So let me ask you,
Are eyes just eyes?
Whether blue, gray, brown, green?
Do they just see what the
Nose, mouth, ears could never fathom?
And are you sure that you are not
Blind to see, to notice, to care, to love
What lies beneath those
Purely captivating eyes?
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
My makeup started running
This is why you never wear it
No, this is why you never cry

My cheeks turned red
This is why you don't need blush
No, this is why you seem so shy

My hands started to sweat
This is why you never wear gloves
No, this is why you keep to yourself

My heart started racing
This is why you never let anyone near
*No, this is why you let someone
Get to know you.
Jessica Leigh May 2020
Fill my lungs with flowers
I'm not used to coughing
but I'd gladly produce for you the seeds
So that you may see.
You can plant them in your
garden of regrets and
I'll keep a few for my own.
Who would have known?
Somethings perceived as good
in reality they were weeds
crawling up my throat.
Perhaps my little garden is comprised
of dandelions and dayflowers and
other things too small
for human adoration.
Maybe I am too too small.
Pluck the petals from my hair,
count and see-
Undoubtedly, she loves me.
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
My breathing
           Was only
                        With your
                 Hands up
         My shirt.
Jessica Leigh Jan 2014
From now on
From here until
The end of
Time I will
Spell your last
Name with an
"E" because that
Is how they
Would spell it
In places you
Would never appear
And the idea
Of never seeing
You again is
Appealing to me
In this moment.

J. C.
Jessica Leigh Feb 2014
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I'm sorry for the shortness, Anna.
And I'm also partly sad
That there is a word between you and I
But, if there had to be a word,
I'm immensely glad it is love.
Jessica Leigh May 2014
I can feel the slow throbbing of my heartbeat
When I press my thumb to my accidental wound
That stopped me from inflicting pain upon my skin
It is steady, without a missing thump
A loyal metronome that reminds me
Of how powerless I am after all of this
I remember the first morning I noticed
The slowness of my heart
I was at the kitchen table the morning
After I was informed of them taking her away
I couldn't breathe and my hand clutched
At my chest, beating it to bring normality back
But it wouldn't bring back the extra beat
Everyone knows heartbeats are not
Completely consistant in keeping time
But I would like to believe she made me
Steady, rhythmic, mechanic, robotic
When they took her away
"Hey, why do you always look so sad?"
I gave the answer my brain spit out
I remember thinking it was a bad thing to say
But it came out despite all judgement
"Because I'm going crazy right now."
It wasn't a lie and it still isn't
My heartbeat is still slow and lethargic
As it pumps through my veins like iron
So, yes, I'm a little bit crazy
But that's okay, given the circumstance
Crazy beats dead, which I'm not
Even with my dying heartbeat
Out of my control.
Jessica Leigh Mar 2014
Her name is Leigh
And she sleeps inside of me
I've made up lies to tell her
To get her to fall back asleep
She has a tendency to wake up
In the middle of the night
Screaming for me to join her
She's always been afraid
Of monsters under her bed.
I've learned sick lullabies to sing
Her back into hibernation
And now they are telling me
I can't sing anymore
They are trying to rip
Out my vocal chords
And Leigh just sits there
Crying her eyes out
Because she's afraid of the dark
And my skin keeps her away
From the sun
So maybe instead of singing
I will rip open my skin
Like they want to rip out my vocal chords
So she can see the light.

The piercing sound of her cry
Is what keeps me up at night
And I'm tired of losing sleep
So maybe I will try and stop singing
To her those sick little songs
But she has to stop crying
She won't stop.

I can't get her to stop.

Please make her to stop.

I've run out of sleeping pills
And there aren't enough lights
Turned on in my bedroom
To get her to stop screaming.
She's always been afraid of the dark.

She won't stop crying.

I think she has learned that
The darkness she is afraid of
Comes from inside of me.
And the darkness that blooms inside me

Is there because I can't get any sleep.

"I figured it out long ago
The dark is nothing to be afraid of
I want you to join me
So no more sleeping and
No more singing
Just rip open your skin again
Because I want the darkness out
I want you to see what I see
It's not scary.
It's glorious.
I don't want to stop crying."
*-Sincerely, Leigh
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