Oh October’s Hunter Moon
Largest on this night
Teach me what you know
The universe is fast
Yet nowhere feels like home

I saw you rise
Like a setting sun
White and yellow
As the night begun

I force to break our gaze
But wisdom’s in your presence
With a calming of my soul
I long to linger in your essence

I love you at your fullest
I love you when you’re barely found
I know you’re always there
Powerful,
Profound

Have I wasted years based on a fantasy of unprocessed fears, of daddy issues, and tears
I tear myself to pieces, my stomach is tied in knots, my mind is really broken, and I seem to cry a lot
I’m so desperate for your validation, for your kindness and your love, but the novelty of me soon wears off, and again I’m crushed.
This time will be different, we’ve come so far, we’ve grown so much.
We also made agreements that toxicity was done.
But who the hell was I fooling
Starved of chaos for a moment too long
You feast on destruction, dramatise this new production, which turns out is just a reconstruction, of the time before, and the one before that, I can go back and back.
Am I so ******* up for thinking things had changed
I’m scared to trust my thoughts I think my feelings are insane.
The venom in your voice, the stab of every vicious word
How is this the person who soothed me when I hurt.
How can I trust when you switch on me like that
The welcome mat is pulled and it’s into combat
I am the enemy. I must be destroyed
Just like Andy playing with his toys
Story has it, it will eventually become white noise
This scene has been repeated so much my head is sore
Blame, and blame, and blame, some more.
This time you scared me more than ever before
I’ve seen your darkness and still loved you to your core
But now I’m really sick
I don’t know who I am and my self esteem has dipped.
I don’t remember my smile, I live in ignorant denial.
I’m pathetic. I’m ashamed. I’m weak
Yet I continue to dial your number
Over, and over, and over, and over
Every click to voicemail chips away at my self-worth
I sob my precious heart out, longing to matter to you, coz no one else will do.
I put you on a pedestal and I really don’t know why
Because you’re emotionally abusive and you’ve made me want to die.
But you’ve also made me laugh, you’ve soothed me with your song, you sung me lullabies
And when anxiety has become too strong, you’ve got me to breathe along
You’ve held me and you’ve stroked my hair
You’ve reached out to touch me and to check that I am there
I believed we had an unparalleled connection
Was it self deception? Was I blind and naive?
I know love isn’t easy but should it bring you to your knees?
It’s certainly brought me closer to god
Coz I’ve begged and prayed like a hungry dog
I have no idea where I have gone

I long for a love I’m yet to meet
‘Cause the one I’ve lost has broken me
Love lies bleeding in my hands
Of memories and unfilled plans

My heart aches and my mind is numb
I’ve cried all night to the rising sun
My endless tears fall like Aprils rain
Mend my broken heart, I pray

The pain it just won’t go away
Melancholy floods my veins
I needed you to feel this pain
I needed you

Clinging to hope, to “one day, “soon”
I cemented my wounds with false promise
One day, some day, well, that didn’t come
We didn’t make it to the seaside

There was no more laughter
There was no more fun
I waited
I waited

The telephone doesn’t ring now
Your voice is left inside my head
With all your broken promises
With all the things you said

I waited
I waited

It’s zero hundred hours on the 1st of July
I’m alone with the truth of silence
There is something to be said for stoicism, for getting on
My soul longs to release a river of tears
I focus on the light patterns
Across my dated artex ceiling
Rays of light like sunbeams
Through my 70s style, wicker light shade
I wonder about the lonely households
All the broken hearts
The ones regretting
And the ones taking it all for granted
Melancholy surrounds me like an aura
And spreads under my skin

There you go, moving in the wind
I see you, under the Red Kite's wings
I feel your shadow, I hear you sing

There you are, among constellations of the open sky
In eye contact of passers by
Even in the tears I cry

I watch you, in the rug of fallen leaves
You're there, even when I don't believe
You hold me when I find release

I feel you, in the presence of the peeling bark
In the starkness of the lonely dark
Dear Spirit, you're in my heart

"I love you"
she says silently before typing the words to you
She loves you
like long summer days catching grasshoppers in her hands
Like sneaking over the neighbours fence to watch tadpoles morphing into frogs
Like the adventures of the warm dusty ground, looking for lizards
She loves you like her childhood self-belief
The matter of factness that collecting cans from the street and selling handmade things
Would change the world, would save the dolphins and the whales
From Japan, Norway and captivity
She loves you certainly, like the trees she climbed
High, scary
to prove she was stronger than fear
Like the Amber jewel of tree sap and the earthly smell of pine
And things that mattered
She loves you because you have helped her remember herself

Look nowhere but within, for your spiritual highs, forgiveness and sin.
The saddest truth there is, your a commodity.
You're a consumer to the holy man who put a price on his wisdom.
And the teachings of the earth are so lost
That we pay for courses in the innate.
To know what we thought we never needed. And become who we thought we'd never be.
Isn't that ironic?
We're lost.
This human being.