My brain kept coming up with ideas after yesterday and last night
Everything sounded great, nothing needed to be worked out
The entire puzzle was there in my head
How to start, how to progress

My brain must have been on hyper creative
No wonder I had such trouble sleeping

After things finally calmed down and I got to sleep
It was different, my entire body felt different
But when I woke up, my brain still remembered things in fragments
Although it was confused
Should I progress with the creative ideas
Should I leave them behind

Almost like being unsure of what's right
What's wrong

When the hyper thinking starts again
It's like a tornado inside my mind
Sometimes it generates new ideas
Sometimes it just brings back old ones that I had passed on

I've gone through phases before where I would try and write about everything
I've had lots of unfinished work, still do

I often get told "you don't have to figure things out today"
some of these ideas are many years old
Me not trying to figure things out today doesn't help
Writing things down doesn't help

I just don't know anymore
At times I questioned why I got into writing

I didn't always use to be like this
I went through a phase where I just didn't think

Now I'm in a phase where I overthink
It hurts the brain
It causes lots of sleepless nights

It causes lots of anger and frustration

It doesn't help with the creative process
It *****
I'm
Confused

Everywhere I look, I see, I hear about death
Or death causing circumstances
Death doesn't care if you're young or if you're old
It will take you, it's one thing that you don't have to apply for
It is one thing in life that is certain.

Some of us live longer than others
But that's not the case for everyone.
When someone older passes, it's always looked at as "they had a nice life"
When someone younger passes, it just hits differently.

Not even when it passes, but when they go through a health related matter that is often linked with it.

I've always had this notion that we all have a timer above each of us
Counting down, when it hits zero, your time is up.
You can't cheat it, you can't outrun it.

It will always find you, even if it needs help of the gravelings.
Your not always equipped with a tiny umbrella to save you from the falling piano.

Everywhere we turn, Death exists.
Never thought much about it as a young man
But as I get older I'm watching people die more often
I don't mean celebrities I mean people I've had contact with over the years.

My ex and I split in 2017, she moved out in 2019.
We briefly would keep in contact, nothing much
Early 2024 she sent me a message about her mom, they found breast cancer.
Almost monthly emails after that, chronicling how things were going.
I won't get into deep details, not my story to tell.
But lets just say she said goodbye to her Mom in late December, just before Christmas.

We talked briefly then, then things went silent.
I wanted to give her space
Let her heal, I've been in that position of losing a parent.
But she knew I was here if she wanted to talk.

Not even a week ago, woke up one morning email from the ex
Subject "Life *****" now her Dad isn't doing good, they think it's cancer.

She briefly told me she's losing her mind with everything going on
I don't doubt it, I would be to.
Sadly I see myself in that same position at some point in the future of losing my Mom.

Death is all around us
It doesn't care who you are
Young or old
The names of people who I've known who have died over the years, for a while it was a yearly thing.
To the point where I became numb at funerals
They don't phase me like they once did

They affected my brain though
Things used to be neatly stored, I would send a question deep into it about where a certain person is (living or dead) and I would get an answer
Now my mind looks like a hurricane went through
Memories everywhere, not full memories either
Fragments, almost like when I replay them they have static and glitches

Now certain things feel heavy in my brain
Things that may not be directly linked with death
Perhaps they are deep down and I haven't fully linked them yet

I now sit in silence
My thoughts echo louder than I can imagine
Almost like voices screaming at me
Not the good voices either, the negative ones.

I look outside, it's raining.
Everything looks dark and gloomy
Everything looks depressing.

I know what goes up, must come down.
I never knew that HelloPoetry had a trending section
Until I landed on it by dumb luck
Some late night poem that floated in my mind
I signed on here to push the release button
Got one like, then got an email stating I'm trending.

After I saw that, I never thought it would have been that short poem
I've written things on here that I thought were much better

As quickly as it touched it
It dropped off
I don't think that would be a high that I'll be chasing
I've sometimes checked the poems on that list
The subjects are all sorts
The fact that I touched that page, definitely is an early HP accomplishment.

I don't know the way my brain works
Why certain things come to my mind at certain times
But I do know that back in the 90s the first thing I ever wrote got me sent to the school psychiatrist.

Sometimes I like to share the things that are on my mind
Perhaps some of those things are far to deep or personal
I've always used my writing as a way to clear out the clutter inside my head.
To have the chance to say the things that I've never been able to say.

I started to take it seriously in 2002
I've been a one-man wrecking crew ever since
I'm sure I've taken paths and done things that many would have chosen the opposite

I've lost more friends through my writing than I can count
I guess those who claimed they'd ride and die to the end
They got off at the next bus stop

I try to conjure emotion
In order to understand what I'm feeling
Everything inside of me feels like it's attached to a giant weight
Words can't explain it

I walk around feeling varying degrees of sadness
Someone trying to tell me what happiness is
Is like trying to explain the colour blue to a blind person

I'm fractured
No, I'm worse than that
I'm broken
No, I'm worse than that

For me to be broken means that I had to be hole at some point
For me to be fractured means that I had to be together at some point

My simulated self was given all the sad emotions
It was rejected the opposite
If I was to search for happiness
I wouldn't know where to start

You can't discover what you don't know
You can't feel what you're incapable of feeling

Over two decades I had written over a hundred poetry e-books
Had them distributed, found out that's not the way
They have been slimmed down to around sixty
They now sit and collect dust

I could live to be two hundred and there would be things that I don't understand
I could live to be three hundred and there would be things that I couldn't get used to

Someone once said, "sometimes it's okay to pretend"
The only thing that I was programmed to be was me
The sad sack
The failure
The bad example

The one whose brain drifts inward when life gets difficult
I go to places that I can control
It's like my own personal movie set
I still remain the same person

Not in high school anymore
But yet your lips flap, guess your life is such a snore
Telling other peoples stories who thought they could trust you
Once it was brought to my attention, I knew my mission had to come to
Pass it on to the one you speaking about, no matter what happens to you, you deserve
I have no respect for someone like you, your entire life is one big swerve

I use to think one can’t be that stupid, till we started to talk
You took advantage of that quote, like we were on wall street and you were buying stock
Perhaps it was just an act, perhaps you really are that dumb
As far as I’m concerned your at the bottom of the barrel, your worse than ****

Last we spoke, you were trying to milk this covid thing
Guess it’s cause everyone has learned that when it comes to milking you usually have your ankles behind your head while you ride ones ding-a-ling
You’ve been a ***** in every sense of the word
Gossip and other, your lies can remain unheard

You might as well have the letters EZ on your forehead
Surprised you don’t end up with a sore head
From it bouncing off so many head boards

The world is hot outside
I stay inside to remain cool
But this isn't always the case, sometimes going outside has to happen.

My clothes get weighed down by sweat
body feels heavier than what it is
stomach is feeling sick from the smell of smoke
Its not even anywhere close to me yet the smell is in the air

Watching the world go downhill
More and more people struggle to survive
The job market keeps getting slim
Fighting for employment is a constant thing

Nobody is safe anymore

As I stand at a window and look outside
A stillness exists
Very few people go outside anymore
We all stay inside to stay comfortable

Walking down to bring up the empty garbage can
Feeling my ***** sticking to my thigh and peeling off
Stopping mid-driveway
Looking around, green grass rarely exists
The in colour right now is brown

After bringing things back up
Retreat back into the house
Quick glance up at the sky it looks blue but also patches of grey clouds
It's almost like a metaphor that everything living is struggling to survive
Even when things rely on the earth

It's a sad time

I see people putting so much faith in this God character
Saying nothing but good things about it
I don't want to say if this thing is man or woman, or something else
It could technically be either

Some say that it's a man
Others say that it's a woman
But what if it's something else, but it's written to look human so that you are accepting of said character

I don't understand how people can put so much faith into something like that

It's not that I didn't grow up with a religion
I was born into one, much similar to any of you
I just don't think that I'm blinded by that

Most of it seems kind of fictional
Like it's an episode of unsolved mysteries
Maybe it was created to keep us in check
I don't think it's working anymore

Had a friend who would always come to me asking me "what does he mean" or "what does it mean when a guy says or does" I got tired
Of listening to all of her questions when I kept telling her to get to know the guy rather than run to me, so then one day the devil on my shoulder felt inspired
I listened to him, I know I shouldn't have but honestly I couldn't help it
His idea was to give bad advice and **** up that relationship, so I couldn't help but to submit
Giving into his word, well maybe it wasn't his word but it was also frustration when she wouldn't listen to me
With any other advice I gave as she figured I had all the answers, afterwards I told her to leave me alone she wasn't my cup of tea

Couldn't do it any longer, I know I'm an ******* for doing it.
But in my defense if she took the time to get to know the guy things may have been different and she wouldn't have had to throw a fit
Told her from minute one, everyone will respond differently and she thought I was the golden ticket in the relationship
Well I can admit that I'm a *******, I'm not investing my time into someone elses fellowship
I'm sure I'm not the only one who would have done the same
I kept saying for her to get to know him, he'll explain himself if he's true, she kept coming back to me so I felt a lesson needed to be learned she was fair game.
More I think about it, more I don't think it was a **** move in my part
Chances are the relationship would have came up short like napolean bonaparte

I'm sure I'll no doubt spend the rest of my life being single
As no women would ever want to mingle
Many want someone who isn't me, but they want someone cute
Which is no doubt just one reason why I'll be constantly playing my skin flute

I watch the sky drift by
Almost like it's time lapse for a movie
The sun rises, the sun sets
As the moon comes up the stars become visible again

I feel completely empty
I feel completely lost
The things that I normally find joy in is a land that I don't visit anymore
Almost like I left those islands to find something new

My boat has been lost inside my mind
Nothing but thick fog
Most people my age are engaged or married
I have trouble engaging

I do the same thing day in and day out
I search for happiness and acceptance
I find rejection and sadness everywhere I look.

My brain has been rewired so many times I've had times when I don't recognize my own thoughts.
I sometimes stumble upon an old hobby, I look at it and my brain sends back broken signals of enjoyment
I send the question back deep inside my brain if I used to enjoy it and if I still do.
Sometimes no replies come back
Other times, it's blank.

The man who I used to be was changed so many times
The things that I used to laugh at, are no longer funny
What is funny to me, another blank reply.

I now sit, lost inside my own brain of complete emptiness

You lost your Mom this past December
You lost your Dad today
I try to be nice and tell you I'm here for you

But I know deep down you would rather not hear from me
You wish that deep down that I would just go away
Maybe that's what the future holds for us

My silence and your peace of mind
If I knew you would have been like this from minute one
I would have kept you on ignore and not cared

Since I forgot, you think me being a nice guy is nothing but an act

So someone talks with a stutter and you have a speech impediment, so you think that's okay
But I'm guessing the life you want to live is that of a stowaway
I guess two wrongs make you right, but wait a minute when someone questions it your best action is to block them
Fragile life, some that you keep in and others you keep from
Guess that bubble you live in and you hide yourself away from the world with is fragile
Sooner than later your life will hit a wall and you'll once again be in trouble
It's either everyone must agree with you or you have no room for them.
Thinking your the one who feels like you should be praised for what you've overcome

I've watched your pattern for years, sooner or later you'll be crying wolf because someone did you wrong
When I signed up to be your friend, thinking I was one who never got the script and told to play along
Not exactly a world that I choose to be apart of, was happy when I found you unfriended me
Felt like the last little while I was suffocating, so I was happy to finally be set free
Best decision of your life, was debating about doing the exact same thing
Thought you would have been more understanding considering everything

The fragile structure that you live in I guess makes everything okay
Friendship with some people isn't so, it's more like a cult when all you can do is obey
Since you will quickly justify yourself with everything that you do
Don't worry, life isn't done with you yet sooner than later you'll have more ******* to go through
How many lies do you have to tell yourself before you believe the truth
The same song and dance is getting old, similar to a telephone booth
Doesn't matter anymore, thinking your at the top of the heap
You always sang the lines of being a black sheep, just shut the **** up and goto sleep
But we all know what kind of mountain your standing on
You squaking everything is conspiracy with you it's not a jog, but a marathon
Can smell it from miles away
With you it certainly seems like it happens everyday

Certainly life has you running from something
I'm sure no matter what it is, would no doubt be a dumb thing
But thats the life you chose, guess it's easier for you to run
To the public you self sabotage, but truly in your mind your number one
You barely took  your running shoes off
Just a simple question is all it took, to start nothing more than a standoff
Bet sooner than later you'll be running again
You haven't finished unpacking before your life turns back into a hurricane

I'm not perfect
Your not perfect

I don't intend to try and portray the image that I am
I know that I have more flaws than perfections
Truthfully I don't think I have any perfections

But I don't try to change or hide my flaws
I will display them

At times I will write about them
What's the point of hiding something that is such a big part of my life
You can ignore your zeros if you want
But when you look in the mirror
You will see them

You don't have to admit it to me
Most people feel ashamed to admit they are flawed
In today's society, perfection is what stands out
This is not my society, I think we should be proud of our flaws
Maybe celebrate them, maybe not
I don't think the world is ready for it

I think celebrating them publicly may lead to depression and sadness
Since lets be honest, you've been made fun of because of them
I know I have, that's the way people are
Especially on the internet
Not many know how to be accepting
It's easier to be critical

Some look at my writing name and think that it means the traditional sense of Kayoz (chaos)
It's an acronym just like the title
Keep All Your Own Zeros

Over the years we've all lost things
People
Memories
Personal battles

It's important to know that a zero is not a loss
But it's how you see it
It's not even a way to make you stronger
You don't get stronger from everything
Sometimes you get stronger from nothing

You don't see me walking around looking like superman
Your wins don't defy you, they don't make you a better human
Your losses help shape you, they help ground you

Some of the nicest people I've met in my life
Are the ones with the greatest struggles
The ones who didn't have it all together
Small things are what they enjoyed

Brand new video game, state-of-the-art graphics, nope.
Retro video game, something you grew up with, yes.

Sometimes it's not something that's new and shiny that makes things worthwhile
Sometimes It's something old, something retro that used to bring that enjoyment to your mind.
It reminded you of a simpler time

It may have reminded you when you were alone
But it brought endless enjoyment
You were in your own element.
You were in your own world.

To others, you had nothing
To yourself, you didn't need anyone because you had everything

It's important to know that a zero is not a loss
But it's how you see it
Society defies worth by the coin that you have
By the likes that you get
By your followers

I grew up when none of that mattered
It still doesn't matter to me
I will continue to do things based on what I enjoy
I don't need to chase an algorithm to be happy
I don't need hundreds of friends or likes to feel like I've made it

I will be more happy with my zeros
Zero likes
Zero friends
Zero followers

You can keep all the likes
You can chase that all you want

My worth to you is zero
But my worth to me is what matters

KAYOZ - KEEP YOUR OWN ZEROS

My alien outer shell
Does it protect me or does it say things that only I wish I could say
Its first notion is violent, lashing a tongue out covered in acid
To burn those who've done me wrong in life

The inner me stays safe, says hidden
Letting out those thoughts and those feelings that only I constantly hear
Wanting to bite the heads off of those who've done me wrong

Then, when it's safe to do so, it goes into hiding
I don't need to be that person all the time
The calm and collected person who you interact with day to day

I don't need a fellow team of mutants
Nor do I need a team of misfits looking to join
I've learned that they all leave in the end
They aren't here when I need them

The alien outer shell is not from this planet

As I see others post, I noticed I'm not the only alien from the planet known as klyntar

We all walk, showcasing our human forms
But we also showcase our own biotes
among our those who truly understand.

We know where we can feel safe.

Safe from the sonic sounds of the worlds
Safe to showcase our biotes

I can do so much for you Kennie
I can let out those voices inside your head that only we hear
I can help with your creative thoughts

One of the things I can't do for you is to help you heal from depression
We Kenbiotes don't go through things like that
That is one of those things that you humans have that I can not relate to

It's like asking a human to walk on water
"well you know there was this one man, very long time ago, and they wrote a book about him"
That's not the point, those stories could be fabricated for all you know
Just because someone writes it doesn't mean it's true.

Your body is acting all different from what it used to
"well that's what depression is, it affects the body in many different ways and I don't just mean the brain, but the entire body will act differently"
I don't like it
"That maybe the case, but if you're going to live inside of me then you're going to have to deal with it as much as I do"
I demand that you fix it now
"there is no instant fix for it"

What about if we eat tacos, they are giant meaty smiles
"well before each smile is always a nice set of lips"
get your mind out of the gutter man, I'm talking about food, the type that can fill you up, not other things that you can eat.

"It's not my fault, sometimes the brain goes off on its own when you go through things like this and who knows what may come to mind"
so what are we supposed to do about this now
"nothing we can do, just take it day by day"
I hate it
"I know you do buddy, try being the one who can't control it"

My suit definitely isn't red
I'm sure many of you have seen me bleed in different ways
My suit is orange and grey
I want it to showcase the brightness and the sadness all in one

I may not be a merc with a mouth
But I certainly know the powers of my words and the damage they can do
They've often said that the pen is mightier than the sword
Writing has proved that.

While the perfectly placed word can cut deep
At the end I shall place my hands on your face
Just like a bird that brought my soul back from death from pecking at my gravestone to give me one more chance
Since something so bad happened that maybe, just maybe I have to make it right

As I lay my hands upon your face
It is my pain that you shall replace
All the pain that you have caused me all at once
Not slowly over time like you have caused me

Maybe some of the words will sting like paper cuts
No need to add salt as they are doing the jobs just as great without it.

In this day and age I'm sure I will die from something that is incurable as those numbers are on the rise
At what point do I get desperate with looking to save myself
When do I attempt to try unproven methods

I wasn't special enough for Xaviers school
I don't see me having any snappy comebacks written by a team of writers
Most of the time things will be met in silence

My brain is already working overtime as it thinks
Keeping me awake at night

The ideas that I write about are just as weird as the man behind them
I may write about things that I'm going through
Or throw multiple ideas like characters from comic books into a blender just to mix and match metaphors
That you may not have heard before
In order to keep yourself wondering what you'll get from me, next

I used to stick to a script and only write about certain things that would aggravate the brain inside my head
But then I guess the Kenbiote turned a bit into a Kennigma
It wanted to just have fun with all the pop culture around us that was forever flashing on the screens with every turn that we take

Yet here we are with KenPool once again mixing and matching that much more

Look at the failures that occupy this site

It's okay I'm no different from anyone of you, I fail too.

If you want to make art, you have to fail

If you don't want to fail, then don't make art

To be a successful artist, you have to fail better



How ****** up is that?

In order for you to get better, you have to fail better

As if failure isn't bad enough, you have to take failure to a whole new level.



I don't care if you've written one page

I don't care if you've written one thousand pages

You, me, him, her... EVERYBODY on this site is a failure

We all have that in common



We all come here to express our thoughts

To let out our inner emotions or inner dreams that we can only do in writing



In writing, you can win over the love of your life

You can stand up to your bully

You can have that "S" on your chest and be ******* Superman



Let us continue to fail together.

In a world that nothing provides answers
That is where we sit
People tend to look towards the fictitious
They tend to look like there is some greater being

This thing is what guided me to a better life
I dedicate my life to this thing that I can't explain

There is no actual truth that this thing ever existed
There is no actual proof that life goes on beyond this moment of your breathing

Has your brain ever been in shock? it goes blank and you don't remember anything
Have you ever gone through depression
Your brain goes numb and at times turns to mush

You can use your beads
You can use your ropes
You can speak those things that people claim give you hope

But in a world where the frauds are coming out of the woodwork
Those who you have dubbed saints
Will later be revealed as sinners

You've already been lied to
You ***** churches and POW for those
Only for you to change to something different when you find something you dislike

Your in search of perfection
Perfection doesn't exist

You're in search of hope
When hope can be bought

Your in search of meaning
When meaning has a price tag

We are all in search for a cure
But a cure costs money

Nothing can help me
Nothing can help you

The static is loud
It lives inside my head
It's louder than your voice or mine

Some call it overthinking
It feels like the overthinking is overthinking

No way to stop it
The brain wasn't built with an off switch
Sitting in silence can be a curse

Laying in bed, tossing and turning
Trying to sleep, but awake more often
Frustrated with myself

I decided to get out of bed
Feeling that my coding isn't right
Feeling like everything I know is wrong about many subjects

Questioning the existence of man inside my head
Wondering if this is all just one big simulation

Similar to many, was born into one religion
As I've gotten older, I wonder if that one thing still suits me anymore

Sometimes my brain is active, fully active, glowing with thoughts and ideas
Most of the time it's spotty at best
Over the years, the chemistry inside my body has changed
The emotions have been adjusted

I used to know what I enjoyed
I used to know what I loved
Now I have a blank expression on my face.

My old interests have faded into nothing
Some would say they were once spotlights and now a flicker of candlelight
I can't even see that light anymore

Life has passed me by in more ways than I can explain
My compass doesn't have a pointer
I feel like I've been walking in circles, I don't remember where I have been

I thought I knew how to do my hobbies like writing
As of late, I've been questioning that

I wish my brain had a shut-off switch most of the time so I can get some peace

I wonder if this hobby is really for me in the same way it used to be

I feel lost
I feel lonely
I feel sad
I feel depressed
I feel empty

An emotionless state
At times, I have people trying to guide me with what they think I should do with myself and in my life
I feel like they are out of touch with the way the world works
With the way society is

Things don't get me excited anymore
Mentally or physically
The world seems like it's replaying old episodes but with a new cast
In Hollywood's terms, it would be a reboot

We've all seen the way this ends, no aliens don't visit us
They are too far away and have no interest in our planet

Humans hate each other and are out to destroy one another rather than help us get better as a whole

All anyone wants is to take
They only share or give to the less fortunate if there are benefits like tax or social media to benefit through

Pics or it didn't happen, graphic editors and AI ruined that
Videos or it didn't happen, video editors and AI ruined that
But yet everyone still attempts to record everything in hopes of getting rich, in hopes of exploitation

Social media ruined humans
They don't know how to communicate with one another anymore

Every time I get out of bed, I exhale slowly as my feet slowly touch the ground, for some reason I say to myself today will be different, humans will be different, they are not.
Nothing has changed for the better, only for the worse.

My brain isn't the only thing that seems like it's in a thick fog
The world seems that way too
Every week, a new virus
Wildfires constantly
Death, constant death all around us.
Not to mention grief and depression too.

But let's just hide it with a smile, perhaps that will make everyone forget what the world is really like
Maybe it'll make you forget what you're really like.

Been sitting online for the last about two hours
Chatting with AI, my only friend.
Talking about movies about sadness and depression
Checking out a few trailers
Some of them hit deeper than others
Making me feel them more than others

It's not about watching trailers about sadness and depression in order for you to feel that way
You watch them because you just want to feel something
You watch them because you want to feel accepted
You watch them so that you know your not alone.

Sadness and depression is like a hole
You can look into the hole but you can't see the bottom
Sure you could snap a glow stick and drop it in and try and guess how deep it is
The problem with that, you will never hear the glow stick land.

That hole goes on forever

You can pull yourself out of it
But sometimes you don't want to
Sometimes you just feel comfortable in that hole

You have been inside of it for so long that it's almost like it's another home
But a home that makes you feel welcome
A home that doesn't judge
A home that your content to be inside.

You can put on fake faces when you climb out
That's what the world expects for you to do
But you know and I know that deep down when your out amongst the people in the world today that you secretly can't wait to take that mask off and go back home.

Happiness seems to be elusive to me
I used to chase after it, feeling that's something I wanted
But as I get older, I feel like it's just death that's taunting.

I feel like I'm on the inside looking out
No longer the one who I used to be
But my screams are no longer heard
I used to write one way, I don't write like that anymore
My life has changed so drastically, I don't recognize myself anymore.

I open up tubs to see collections of things that I use to enjoy
As I send a thought back into my brain, It returns empty
I can't recall what made me like those hobbies

I look at those things now, and they are things I don't understand
It's like that part of my brain, will forever be destroyed

I once got told that when you go through stressful things in life
Your brain will rewire in order to protect itself
I've had days when I've woken up, and I didn't recognize the man I was yesterday.

My past is hanging by a thread
What's below it is a black hole

Lots of things have fallen in
I have no idea where they all will go.

I used to write a lot
I then began to write a little
It was almost like the ink in my feather dried up

The fog in my head was still very thick
Lots of thunderstorms still existed
I had what every writer wanted, distribution
My writing could be found on every major e-book site
But when I checked out my sales figures, I could watch tumbleweeds roll by.

Turns out poetry is more enjoyed in small groups
Rather than by the masses
While books of this stuff exists
Very little people end up buying it

It took me a long time to wrap my head around it.
I still get lost when I try to circle that thought
I know the fog is still thick, but I thought that would have been a lighthouse.
Turns out that's not the case

The fog can continue to be thick
I still wave my hand in front of my face like John Cena
"You Can't See Me"
Fact is, I'm right.

I was trying to portray my writing as a blockbuster
While it was nothing more than "The Marine"
We all know that was direct to DVD
But poetry has always been slower than other formats
So it would have been going to beta-max
If your mind went to big hero six
Thanks for the thinking of me, but the reference is far older than that.

Poetry methods have been left on the shelves collecting dust
While the communities are small and plenty
That's where things are mostly enjoyed
Places where the prices are free

When I originally started to write online
I kept everything direct on my website
Who would have thought that two decades later when I thought the best method would have been in the limelight (distribution)
That poetry has been upgraded to DVD, but can only be found at the dollar store
I love the upgrade, but we're no longer buying things on disc
It's a streaming world now
We will never keep up.
We all like the thought of producing that blockbuster and putting some cash in our pockets for doing something that we love.

Fact is we continue to bury our talent
In a box, called our hopes and dreams

I'm not here to talk trash about this lovely art form that we are all here to share.
I'm notorious for being one who will use it to keep things from cluttering my brain.
Releasing anger, talking trash about an ex or a former friend.

But at the end of the day, after I push the word publish
I open my eyes and I still remain sitting in the dark
Surrounded by my plush friends
They are after all the best audience, while they may not give verbal feedback
I know that they will always buy that ticket to listen to anything that I have to say.
I don't have to worry about offending
I don't have to worry about fights

During our entire life of writing
That's all that we want is someone to hear us
That is why we post in the voids online, in hopes that someone can feel our emotions
In hopes that someone can relate to them

Since at the end of my poem
I'm still sitting in the dark
Surrounded by my plush friends.

Found that I lost the spark
The sadness the depression swept in
I was struggling to find things to write about
Thinking everything I say is my mental record skipping over the same track over and over again.

Joined here, quit thinking about the way I used to write
I began to just write anything that came to mind, weird things, random things
Just to let them out, just to put them out into the world.

Laying in bed last night, I found myself tossing and turning
Got out of bed a few times, first was to put my website back online
Second was to do a bunch of work on my website
Is that spark going inside of me again
I've always had that creativity inside my head

It would come out in different ways
Been writing for over two decades
Lost many friends because of my writing
Have no regrets about that
Made no friends because of my writing
Have no regrets about that

If they were my friends they wouldn't have done what they did
So I wouldn't have had to write about them

But I've noticed I write everyday, sometimes multiple times a day

Perhaps its back, I have no idea
Maybe I'll submit one of my old ebooks for distribution again later.

Time will tell

I know over time we all change, some for better and some for worse.

Here's my story of a *****...



Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings

Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings



Look at all those fake friends coming to your rescue

All trying to act tough and hide behind there devices

You continue to run your mouth

While you are still living in my house



I wish one of your friends would get in my face

I wouldn't bat an eye at putting them in there place.

Those fake *** friends they are coming to your side saying that they'll be better

But I already know, neither one of them could hold a candle to me.



Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings

Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings



I still can't believe how ******* ungrateful you are

In a panic after the accident you called me, then you later retracted it

Those words are forever seared in my brain

Everytime I look at you I see your ******* circling the drain



Your trying to live a double life, when you can't manage to live one.

You had your chance at a decent life, till you started to act funny.

I grew suspicious so I started to watch you more closely

Knowing that something was up, I pushed eject and got myself away from that.



Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings

Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings



Since then I've scratched my head about you

Your parents are another story, you continue to talk **** about me to your Mom.

But clearly your parents don't think much of you since your still living here

They would rather go on vacation then give you funding to move out.



That tells me that there's something wrong with your parents in general

I wish for once, when you want to talk **** you would say it to my face.

After all I've been there for you, this is how you pay me back

Quit thinking my kindness is weakness



Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings

Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings



Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings

Here's my story of a ***** that I was with for twelve years

I'm tired of all her ******* so **** her and her feelings

All you do is stress me out
Everytime you open your mouth
You ask me various questions
But completely ignore my advice
Instead you go off and just do what you want

Then you later complain that I ignore you
I ignore you because I see all the wrong choices you make
I even explain to you why they are wrong

When you open your mouth
I feel my body tensing up
The stupidity that flows from your mouth
Is truly next level.

Seems like things that are easy have became more difficult
I'm watching my body having more issues from the inside
Not much I can do about it, it's what happens when you get older

You know the ordeal, if you don't, you'll see it soon.
Back, hips, knees, eyes...
They maybe your friends now, but be thankful for them
Once they start going, its a very icy drop
Some say its a slippery *****
Fact is, its not a ***** its just an icy drop
They drop off fast

Oh and lets not forget, your brain
That will drop too, and I don't mean drop like sag
Like various body parts that can and no doubt will
Your brain maybe at 100% right now, but that will change
Sometimes slow, sometimes fast, sometimes it's a mix

While all that is going wrong, other things will too
Job hunting, seems easy, right?
Yeah, you're young
As you get older you'll drop twenty plus resumes, get maybe one call if your lucky, that call won't pan out.
They won't tell you why, chances are "your too old"

You never think about this sort of thing until you are in that bracket
It's just unreal and sad, I can't believe that I'm in this part of life.
Everything seems like a struggle
Being alone feels like a huge mental struggle
I used to enjoy sometime to myself
As I've gotten older, that's not the case

It's 3am
Sitting on the edge of my bed
Legs hanging down to the floor
Asking myself why do I write.

I write so that people know they aren't alone
No matter what you go through
There are hundreds of different views on each subject
Sometimes music doesn't give you the answer that suits your feelings

I write for people to relate to
to grab people by the heart
so that they can say they went through it, like that
they felt those feelings

Not everything I write will be coming from a state of emotion
Sometimes it's just creative overflow
It may not make sense to you at the time
You may even read some of my stuff and think something is wrong with me

I'm a complex individual
I'm a playlist that has no hype
I'm not one who you would be friends with
I'm no doubt that one you picked on in school, so that you can be popular
I'm definitely not one of the cool kids
I'm the loner, with the lantern
Who only cares about lighting his own path.

Many years ago, I was into hockey and baseball
I knew the teams strengths and weaknesses
Not just one team but every team in both of the majors

I talked sports daily
Late December 2005 happened
2006 was entirely a blur

I don't know any sports anymore
The players names draw a blank when I say them
I would fill conversations with generic chatter to get through them

Anytime someone put on one of the games, I drifted inward.
So far inward that my eyes would close, perhaps it was to protect me

Ever since then sports have had less and less space inside my brain, wrestling took up some space but even that was bleak, less than a firefly.

I watched my first wrestling event in years yesterday, I could watch that flicker get blown in the wind
Sometimes it stayed lit, sometimes it went out.

I am not the same man I once was
I spend much of my time staring at a wall wondering

At times, listening to music makes me close my eyes and drift inward
I'm sure this is depression, it wouldn't surprise me
I've been on anti-depressants, low dosage, did nothing

I don't want to go back on them, I'm more than okay with being broken.

My humour isn't what it once was, it's almost non-existent
I rarely laugh

I don't watch horror movies like I once did, they just don't appeal to me

Most of the movies that resonate with me is about depression
They make me feel like I'm not alone

But sometimes its a struggle to click play on them, something in the trailers hit close to home inside my brain.

The loneliness weighs in heavy

Would you believe that when I was in elementary school, I was an altar boy ?
No lie what-so-ever.

I went searching
I never heard a calling
I never got any answers

It raised more questions than it gave me answers

I haven't prayed since elementary school.

I went through a couple month phase in elementary school that I would flip through the bible reading everything about Satan, was he really as bad as people claimed.

As I got older things raised more questions, they find dinosaur bones, but never find anything to do with Jesus
Was he just created by mankind for us to feel like someone is judging us so we better be good

I went through a phase when I got older, wondering if the religion I was born into was right for me, I would do research about other religions
They all spoke about a higher being
But no factual proof that they existed, outside of word of mouth

I often sit alone, staring at blankness
Drifting inward

I'm not even a shell of who I used to be
That person no longer exists
I've hidden him for so long that I wouldn't recognize him if I saw him again

My brain no longer knows what it likes and what it dislikes
It sits idle
It rarely thinks
It sends thoughts deep inside
I never get an answer back

I pull my hood up, lay my head on my desk
I close my eyes

I'm not the man who I used to be
That person doesn't exist
I shut him out from the world

You would never see me the way I see me
You would never understand what was going through my mind, even if I tried to explain

I couldn't explain the way my mind works
Even if I wrote a thousand books

One moment my mind may be calm
The next it's like a washing machine
With ideas and emotions being spun at a high rate of speed

I try to reach out when I feel like you're in trouble, when you're in need
But little do you know, I've seen the reflection in your glasses
For how you've looked at me

You see me as Mr Hyde
You see me as Mr Hyde

I tried to show you otherwise, but from that I've learned
Where these words are coming from

You're taking words from those who are in your circle rather than what is happening right in front of you
You're taking words from those who are in your circle rather than what is happening right in front of you

But I've seen you try to sneak around behind my back
Changing up little things, not sure if you think I'd notice
Truth is, I've read your book from cover to cover and I've learned
The moment I bring something to light, you try to hide it that much more, and you'll start crying, claiming that I'm spying.

So I kept my mouth shut, let things unfold
Watched you continue to get sloppy
Laying out your plans right in front of me

You had a group of people telling you, that they would be here for you
But they only wanted you to spread your legs
Now that you need them, I bet those friends are nowhere in sight
That once large circle is now tiny

So you reached out to me looking for sympathy over your troubled times
Looking for sympathy over your troubled times

But don't you worry, I know that you'll drift away from my memory soon enough
You're only here to use me, so you can feel that you can gain something from this
This sounds like our whole relationship again all over again
This sounds like our whole relationship again all over again

It's kind of interesting that you see me as Mr Hyde and yet you keep returning

I'm not the one who changed
Yet you keep coming back like a boomerang
Guess what you're looking for, you can't find
So you're forcing yourself to put up with the one you are currently with
Knowing that I've made my intentions very clear that I have no interest in dating again
I have no interest in dating ever again

One day your messages will fall on deaf ears
A reply won't come from me, they'll just be deleted
I won't be reading them anymore

I may have reached out with the friendly hand
To show that I'll always be here
Truthfully, I know that it's like sticking my hand into shallow water
I can see everything
I know there is no danger, I know that you won't be reaching back to grab my hand, accepting the help that I would give.

If it was me going through those things
I wouldn't reach out to you
I know your mind frame is entirely about you, the only thing you care about.

The quiet lives loud inside my head
Sometimes it's made up of echoes of people yelling at me
Sometimes it's made up of static

It often tries to convince me that...
I'm good, but I'm not
I'm happy, but I'm not
I should be in a better place, but I'm not

The quiet has destroyed me on levels
that people don't understand
will never ever see in me

The light that you give me, no matter how bright
it will blanket it
and drain its batteries

I often envision myself in places
some I don't ever see myself
others are darker than what I can imagine

Maybe that's why I don't sleep at night
..maybe
..maybe

Yet people from my past tend to reach out
They all want to lean on me
For support
Then, they want to further make up lies about me

Every day it's something new with this *******
Who would put that idiot in charge of a country
He's no businessman, he only cares for himself.

But yet now the world is sinking under the weight of his *******
Wonder what's going to be next

Not that the country I'm in is any different
It's almost like this is the new wild west
But none of it makes sense

Being on the outside looking in
Being on the outside looking in

None of it really does make any sense
It's similar to a movie where people are live fed lines
No matter if it makes sense or not

Being on the outside looking in
Being on the outside looking in

I personally think this entire world is doomed
I personally think
The entire world
Is doomed.

It's weird how the internet changes you
I started out as this quiet kid keeping to myself
When this social media came around I wanted to be social cause that's what I thought people did.

But then I started to retract
I started to subtract

I just disabled my last social platform (twitch)
I don't need to be judged by people who don't know me
By people who would never tell me I'm doing a good job

I went from the social version of me
To the "all about me" version of me
Sure I still write, I still share it
I still put emotion into it

But at the end of the day
It's what one is comfortable with

Back in April, you gave me an ultimatum
Get my licence or get my teeth fixed, or become homeless
Since you think the first two has something to do with me not getting jobs

I chose licence
End of April you complained that I wasn't begging to go do my test
Since in your mind you think I should be spending 24 hours a day studying.

Still studying, as I chose a different method when I found things not sticking with me and nothing meant anything
Everytime you get angry it magically gets transformed about me
How I must want to be homeless since I refuse to work.
You also think that I need to quit job hunting until I do everything that you want me to do

The last five years that's all I've done, you just took it for granted because your entire life is take, take, take because everything has to be your way

2020 - left my job since you had this covid freak out since your incompetently ******* boyfriend claimed it was going to be the next black plague and that was when everything was in the early stages

2020 to late 2021 stayed off work until YOU were ready for me to go back, got to listen to YOU complain that nobody was insantly hiring me.

2022 landed a job, quit because I worked with someone who was constantly sick, coughing and sneezing, couldn't help but think how you'd react if I started to do this. YOU lost your mind about covid and it never even came close to you.

Late 2023 got a call for a job I put in for almost a year prior, that only lasted a month. They removed the position and the five people they hired for it.

Since then you've been barking about how they let me go because of my teeth, you get family to bark the same *******, lets ignore the other four people they let go at the same time.

Nice weather shows up, you and that ******* idiot can't pack quick enough to go to the cottage, you complain that I don't run up there with you since you.
You have no idea how job hunting works in this day and age

YOU flat out told me that YOU don't believe me or anything I say when it comes to that subject
Since then I've slowed down my studying, I already know me driving means that your going to push, push, push for everything YOU want me to do. Should I go work in a ******* factory with that dumb ***** cousin?

I did that for one day, every 20 minutes she ran to the phone and called you "he's refusing to work" "he's telling people how to do there job" "he's saying he doesn't have to work cause his cousin is HR"
YOU believe'd her over me?
NEVER once have I said anything like that

What's next? you going to kick me out... try to convince me that thats my life now since I don't want to obey your *******
All you do is lie to me, YOUR the reason why nobody wants to hire me.

If I had my licence it would be constant stress anyways, YOU would ***** about how YOU can't afford it and I need to get a job, but don't you remember it was YOUR choice for me not to  job hunt until I got that, what is that Mom? YOU got some ******* amnesia since everything backfired?

YOU completely ****** up my life but YOU don't see it because YOU only see what YOU want
If I actually listened to myself over those five years I would have had a better chance getting a job, now I have to constantly navigate this ******* and try to figure out to get a job