I never wanted to end up in a world where the only thing I ever really believed in was you.
But I guess things turn out the way they do regardless of how noble our intentions are.
And now you're with some girl who's name I can't bother to remember. And I don't know
What I've found, but I keep labeling it as love. All I know is he's not you. And his hands
Don't bruise my lungs the way yours did. And am I a ******* ******* if I miss it?
All I know is that his cigarettes don't taste like yours and his cologne is from a
Different box and I haven't heard his stories a thousand times. He hasn't
Hugged me in the snow or cried to me on the bathroom floor about
How large my heart was and how tiny his eyes were. All I know
Is that he's here and you're not and I'm not too sure how I
Feel about that. All I know is that I'm only this honest
When the sun is gone and I can't hide between
The cracks in my bones. The truth is I don't
Want you to be happy with her because
I'm too selfish for my own good. And
The truth is she won't love you
Nearly half as much as I could
And the truth is my virginity
Belonged to you but I let
Him steal it anyway
Because the truth
Is that you didn't
Deserve me
In the first
Place.

The sunlight hides behind
Stubborn clouds
A few squirming
Beams
Make it through

My chest sinks
As my breath escapes
No words could truly
Describe
How amazing it feels to be
In my
Homeland
Again
New Jersey

Night falls
My feet criss-crossed in the
Street
**** squished onto the
Curb
Cigarette in hand
Filthy habit
Wonderful release

And you're next to me
Again

Like how it was
When we were
Kids

My teeth are
Chattering
Your hands are
Shaking

Here we go
Again

This story plays out
In my mind
For the hundredth
Time

And to tell you the
Truth
Even I'm sick of the poems
About you

Back in town
Back in my head
Back into circles
Again

I swear it never ends

But even in the
Dead of night
You stick a lily in my
Hair

And it makes everything
Bearable
For just a moment

Until you find
A new way to
Destroy me

Again

I've lived inside of clouds
And gazed through the
Kaleidoscope of life.

I've danced with the wolves
Engraved in my head
And held your shaking hand
All through the night.

I've watched you skip along
The line between the living
And the unknown.

I've propped you up
Against the angry winds
And walked you home.

I've killed brain cells
To try and delete the memories
Erase my mind.

I've smoked up my lungs
And prayed for cancer
To eat me alive.

It's all about image
All about how tough I look
But I know I'm dying
Just like you.

And truth be told,
I kind of enjoy that
You're dying
On the inside too.

Just a little snippet of a book I've been writing here and there.. on and off..
Any feedback would be just lovely =]
((Sorry that it's not an 'actual' poem.. but it's by a poet so maybe that still counts?))


There's one memory that sticks out more than most… I'm not sure why, but it does. It's a simple memory really. Nothing out of the ordinary. I think the reason I've been hanging onto it for so long is because of the emotion in her voice. I don't think she lied often, or at all, actually… But this was realest I had ever heard her voice sound. I'm not sure if my description of it makes sense, and frankly I don't care. In fact, I don't think my specific emotions could ever be felt by any other human but me. I was the only one that could ever know how it felt to see her that way, because I was the only one that actually felt it. Anyway, it went a little something like this…

"Why are you so worried about me?" She folded her arms and turned her face away from me. She could be so dramatic sometimes.

"Look at you! You're a mess! I don't understand… I hate seeing you this way because this is not the woman I want to marry!" I screamed at her for the first time in my life. I will always regret that.

"You mean I'm not allowed to be upset? Ever? Our whole lives together you want me to be little miss sunshine?" I wasn't sure what she was trying to prove, but I knew she was furious. I should have spent that time making her smile. I should have spent that time buying her flowers. I should have done a lot of things that I never did because I never realized how short our life together really was. I always thought things like 'we could do that tomorrow' or 'I'll get that for her next year.' As if I was so sure the next year would arrive. How foolish could I have possibly been back then? I hate myself for snapping at her like that. She deserved to be treated like a queen and I was kicking down her like a peasant.

"Well no! Actually you're not! I love you Charlotte. I love you more than the breath in my lungs. Hell, you are the breath in my lungs! You know that! You're my everything and I'm not ashamed to say it! I don't care how stupid it sounds! I love you like an idiot! I will always, always, always love you! I don't care if you're upset, or angry, or lost all your hair, or half way across the world, my heart will always be in your chest. It kills me to see you this way, that's why you're not allowed to be upset. You may be frowning a little, but seeing you this way completely destroys me! It rips my heart out and I'm bleeding right in front of you. Don't you see that? So tell me, what can I do? What can I do to make this better?" I sounded so utterly desperate, like someone had tore me right out of a John Green novel. I didn't like being that vulnerable, but I knew she had to hear every word of my plea.

That was when she said a sentence I never wanted to see spill out of her mouth. "I need you to leave." She was stern, honest. Charlotte stared out the window with the saddest eyes in the universe. Giant pools of liquid mercury streaming down her cheeks. Her tears were poisonous.

I didn't even argue with her. I didn't try to win her over. I knew Charlotte. I knew that she was no damsel in distress - she simply didn't want to be saved. She didn't need to be rescued, not once. If she demanded that I leave, then I left. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

Before I left, I studied her face for a handful of seconds. I didn't know how long she wanted me gone, I didn't know if our forever together was ending right before me. I didn't want to forget her angelic presence. I wanted her to haunt my dreams. She probably thought I was crazy, staring at her like that, and I kind of was.. in a way. I was completely crazy about her. That expression had never made so much sense before. She made me utterly insane. I belonged in a mental hospital because of her, and I was okay with that. It was worth it. Man, it was always worth it.

When the door shut behind me, I didn't look back. I was too afraid to see that she hadn't chased after me. It was foolish to think that she'd do something like that, but sometimes I loved to pretend that we were in some wonderful romantic comedy. We'd kiss in the rain. We'd sleep under bridges. We'd steal food from the local market. We'd ride roller coasters together. We'd have friends over for brunch. We'd sip earl grey in front of the fire. That was how I imagined our life being lived. It never worked out that way, though. People never do the things you expect them to do. Just once, I wanted us to be a couple worth remembering. I wanted other couples to judge us in pure envy. I was a monster, back then, that fed on attention. I was ugly, but I knew what Charlotte needed.

And she needed me gone.

I don't even remember where I went that day. I don't remember if I was gone for minutes or weeks. I just know that every second without her was a millennium. Our relationship was never a healthy one. I never knew that it was possible to love someone too much, and then I met her. Charlotte made my heart sick. Every thought I had when we were apart was about her. I loved her more than I had ever loved myself, and that was extremely dangerous.

I suppose she took me back at some point, found me hanging out on the corner by my job. Told me to come out of the rain and back into her arms. She could always find me; it was almost eerie how quickly she could hunt me down. I swear all women had stronger intuition than I could ever begin to fathom. If a child was hurt, a woman would come in running with bandages before the child had even begun to cry. Before someone could mention they were cold, a woman would wrap a blanket around them. I often wondered if two X chromosomes gave people the ability to read minds, or hearts. The weird thing about women was they never realized how truly powerful they were. We knew, we always knew. They were goddesses.

The cracks in her voice still ring through my ears sometimes. It bothered me a lot because she had said something to me that I could never bring myself to say to her. How could she not want me around anymore? It simply didn't make sense to me. I couldn't logically put it together.

Now I laugh at the irony of it all. Back then she wanted me gone, but she was the one that ended up leaving first.

I still plant flowers next to her headstone. The saddest part about all of this nonsense between me and Charlotte is that I've gotten her more flowers after her death than I ever did when she was alive. That broke me up.

Anyone that claims to have no regrets has lived a very boring life indeed.

These were the things I thought about when I visited her. I am so lucky to have that memory of her. I am so glad that she made me leave, because I paused time for a moment. I actually stopped and focused a hundred percent of my attention on her. I committed her smile, her laugh, her voice, her face to my eternal memory. I burned those seconds into my brain. Now I knew for sure, that I would remember her forever. The way she existed when I loved her the most. I am so fortunate that Charlotte was so clever. I'm sure it's a bit of a stretch, but I was under the impression that Charlotte always knew exactly what she was doing.

It was a stretch, but I had to believe it. She has always found a way to outsmart me. That's why I loved her dearly. She was the only one that cared enough to challenge me.

Our time together was brief, I think in the end it only added up to three years or so. Sometimes I think that it was better that way. Maybe we would have been toxic together. Maybe we would have grown old and bitter. Maybe we would have gotten a divorce. I am so grateful that we never grew old enough to make those mistakes. When I think back on our time together I will always smile. We were happy, we were so ******* happy.

Maybe it is better to burn out than to fade away.
But I'll never really know…

I often sit back and wonder
How the world got this way
Who decided to corrupt it?
Who invented war?
Why we are programmed to hate?
To ****?

Why do we let our demons have full reign?
And why does no one stop it?

Imagine a world of peace.
Can you?
Because I can't.
Not anymore.
Not like this.

It's passed the point of no return.
And everyone is aware.
And no one is stopping it.

I just want to stop it.
Stop it cold.

Why **** when you can create?
Why hate what you can hold dear?

I love every dead citizen,
Of all the countries,
I'm too terrified to visit.

But even more,
I love the man pulling the trigger,
Who has to live with the guilt,
For the rest of his life.
Fighting a war he doesn't believe in,
For a country,
That won't ever love him back.

Now tell me,
Was your military discount,
Worth the blood of thousands?
Was it?

How do you sleep at night?
Tell me.
Because I barely get a wink,
Knowing these people exist.

How did the world get this way?
We're just all products of fear.
A school is just a factory.
There is no education anymore.
And I'm tired of living this lie.

Pull the wool back over my eyes.
I'd rather sleep
With the rest of a thousand sheep.

And turn my head to the slaughter.
Turn my head to the corrupt.

I'd rather carry on.
Not doing a **** thing to stop it.

So tell me, now.
Who is really pulling the trigger.
You or me?

*You or me?

You are a ******
For happiness

You don't believe me
Do you?

You think, nah,
I'm clean.
Sober, even.

Well, you're wrong.

When you were young,
You got a taste of it.
                                                          Happiness.
And it was pure.
It was innocent.
And it was the best
You've ever ******* felt
In your whole entire life.

It came in many forms.

Sledding with your older brother,
In the mountains of magic
Glittering snow
That you would only grow
To hate
Over the years
The back breaking, black ice
*******
You had to salt and shovel
Weeks on end
Enough to wage a war
With nature

But then, back then,
You were happy with snow.
Maybe even
In love with it.

You got a taste.


Your favorite ice cream bar
Every lick.
Insatiable. Delicious.
The perfect ending
To a gorgeous summer afternoon.
Of course,
As the months peeled away
You'd learn that
Ice cream makes you fat
And sugar is a disease
Before you know any better
You're counting calories
And carbs
And pounds
And inches
And everything becomes
A ******* number
Suddenly you focus so much
On your body
That you lose your soul

But then, back then,
It simply didn't matter.
You were only a kid.
With a sweet tooth.

You got a taste.


Your mother's arms
Warm, welcoming
You could tell her any secret
And she would fight off
Every demon
Chase the closet monsters away
And craft a dream catcher
For all those nightmares
Then the days crack apart
Your calendar flips over the decades
And the woman with the title
Mother
Is nothing more than a stranger
You can't even remember her age
Anymore
Torn apart by trivial fights
Over mall money
And curfews
Mother?
What mother?
You have no mother,
Only a **** with shared DNA.

But then, back then,
It was blissful
Her kisses were the only medicine
You needed

You got a taste.


And now,
You spend your whole life
Searching for the
Glitter in the snow
And the heaven
In the ice cream
And the warmth
In your mother's arms

But
Everything is dull now
But
It's all bad for you
But
Her arms are six feet under

Happiness.
You are a ******
You are addicted

And you will never get your fix

Because all you ever got
Was a taste

Just enough to keep you searching
                                                                   But never satisfied.

                                                     ­                                                       *  You got a taste.

Cracked ****** lips plastered to the street
I'm kissing the pavement of our old avenue
Whispering to the pebbles, tracing the path of our feet
Biting my tongue once more, just to get a taste of you
I'd say that I've cut my heart open again,
But I wouldn't want to bore you with my poetic cliché
If you must know, I'm draining myself through this pen
And my lungs still carry that eighty-year-old ache

Broken bones crushed and swept under the rug
I shattered in your arms the night you turned away
Collapsed my own sanity, you disappeared with a shrug
Even my monsters had nothing condescending left to say
I'd tell you that I missed you, but that would be a petty lie
I only miss the part of myself that you so effortlessly stole
Consider this your thank you note, our delicate goodbye
I hope you're content, and thank you again for this huge ******* hole.

If it was up to me,
I'd stay stuck in the dream,
And rest in your arms,
For all eternity.

You may say,
That makes me depressed,
And I would admit,
That just makes you an optimist.

He wants this and she wants that
It's all about the score
And the grams and the money
The **** and *****

So many twists and turns
I never saw coming
So many strangers in my life
Turning tricks for nothing

I tried to rise up and
Out of this sketchy hood
But what is it about being bad
That feels so ******* good?

I think life is really quite simple
If you think about it the way
I do.

Well, how you do you think about it?

What if we are the birds.

What do you mean?

I mean I've spent my whole life
Envious of birds and their
Ability to fly.

So?

So often I wonder how lovely it would be
To own the sky.

Yeah, I suppose
That'd be nice.

You'd think so right?
But maybe they've spent their whole lives
Thinking 'man I wish I could drive those cars
Or watch those movies
Or go to school.'

You think birds care about
Things like that?

No, I don't think they do,

That's why we should live
Like we're the birds.

It's broken you know,
My heart, my life, my soul
I knew another
Could never love me
The way I loved you

But what are lovers long lost?
What are shadows in the dark?
What is it like
To dig a hole in the emptiness
Of yesterday?

You play me like a fiddle
And I let you
I let you
Pull me apart

Like it was nothing.

Well, maybe it is..
I'm hollow now
I gave you everything
But the skin off my back

And still you crave
Every inch of me
Until every breath
In my lungs
Once belonged to you

How can I ever be myself
If you caged me in hell?
How can I ever move on
With my veins knotted
Around yours?

How?

How can I ever get this bitter taste
Of loneliness out of my mouth
If you keep walking away?


I kissed the Devil's lips once
And he tasted sweeter than you.

This feeling is new
And old, in a way
But I never realized until
Just now
Exactly, right now
In fact, you're still waiting
For an answer
To your question

My friend,
His name is __
(****, I already forgot)
He thinks you're
Cute, and wants
To know if you're
Single.
What do you
Say?

Oh, oh God,
What do I say?
How could I possibly
Explain that...
That until
Just now
I hadn't realized
How in love I am
With being

Forever
Alone?

That I don't
Want to coexist
With another
I don't know if
I could
If I would
If I should?

Doubts, fears
Nerves, jitters

What if he's
Ugly
(What if I'm
Shallow?)
What if he
Changes his
Mind when he
Sees me in
Life
And runs in the
Other direction?
(What if I
Run away first?)

What if my complete
Lack of self esteem
Seeps through my pores
Like the bleeding wound
Just under my
Rib cage?

What if...

Oh, oh my,
What if I never
Again
Let anyone in

After you
Barged out?

And how dare you
How dare you!
Try to play cupid
After you
Blew me apart
And smashed the
Pieces into the
Dirt

I feel betrayed
In a sick and
Twisted way

And still,
You're waiting for
An answer.

Well,
So am I...

I'm trying so hard to ignore the fact that I sleep
On the floor
Like a neglected dog

Trying to ignore that the heat's been broken
For two years now, in an apartment
I've never been able
To call home

I just want to completely forget how easily
My nails break when my hands grow
Tired of work
Because lord knows I never drank enough milk
And my bones are thinner than paper now
And I've never once brushed my teeth
Three times a day
Let's be honest, I don't even know what the ****
Floss is supposed to do

I'm trying to ignore the fact
That I consider myself lucky when I find a shirt
Of mine
Without holes or stains or burns
From the nights you left me bleeding
On fire
In the darkness of your shadows

Please, erase from my memory
That today is the anniversary
Of his death
And ours

I'm trying so very desperately to ignore
How my schooling has gone to ****
And we both know I'm lying when I say
I want to go back
Because I've never wanted to go back
To that hell
I've never wanted society to mold me
To tell me who the **** I should be
Well who the **** are you
Anyway?
And who is this "they"
That they always talk about?
And why do they decide
Who I get to be?

And to be quite honest, dead honest,
What I'm trying to ignore most
Is that I'm three months sober
Today
Every second drags on
Reality is a ******* joke
I said it,
Yeah.
I went there.
I'd rather be a ****** like you
Than a bore like them

But, really, I just want to forget
Everything that's made me who I am
Because I don't like
Who I've turned into
But I don't like
Who I was back then
Either

What I really want
Is to just start over
And hopefully,
Never be this overwhelmed
And never
Want to forget so much
About who I am

Ignorance is ******* bliss,
It really is.

I remember the first time I saw your collar bone
And you thought you looked so
**** fine
You thought you'd come a long way
You'd worked so hard
You even claimed
That you wanted to look good
For me

But I never really knew
What you meant by that
Because you always looked
Good to me
And I fell in love
With your body
Just the way it was
The day I first saw you

And I hated the way
You'd turn your face
When I'd whisper in the serenity
Of three a.m.
Just how truly beautiful
I knew you were

Didn't you own a mirror?

But now
I stare at your collar bone
And your hip bones
And I can't help thinking
One day soon
I'll see your rib cage
And all of the things
That remind me
Of how human we all really are

And how we're all just
Piles of muscles and bones
And how one day
One of us will die
Leaving the other behind
Broken and alone

And maybe you think
That's the most
Attractive version of yourself
That you could ever possibly be…

But to me you're just
Fading away
And pretty soon
I'll be left
Without someone to love.

And all those songs that remind me of you
Are stuck in my head, in my ears
On the tip of my tongue
I just can't seem to give you up
I'm floating now
Living on cloud nine, blissful and delicate
Don't you dare take away my denial
For I am in love with the ignorance of it all
And truth be told
The only reason I put holes in my brain
Was to get you out of my head
You take me back to the ****, back to the mess
I loved you once, that's all you get
Still your shadow casts down on me
And I'm sending post cards to the sun
Wish you were here, wish you were here… my dear
And on my playlist goes
Music notes in your skin
You ruin everything..

I bite my tongue
Trying my best to ignore
How empty my soul grew
The day you walked out
And how I've spent
Countless days
Weeks
Years
Attempting to live
Without your breath
Intertwined with mine
And I hate to tell you
But I'm doing an awful job
Of moving on
I can still feel your eyes
Burning through my
Rarely exposed skin
Can still trace
The outline of your hand
Tangled up with mine

An unhealthy obsession
With your ****** coated heart
******* pupils
THC blood
It seemed you were addicted
To everything but me

And I swore I could save you
I could change you
Together we could
Heal each other
And truth be told
I don't think you wanted me
To reach out to you
And truth be told
I'm still waiting
For you to turn around
And rescue me

Years later
I'm stagnant
Praying for you to finally
Wake up and realize
I am here
I always have been
And I always will be
Here.

They say true love never dies
I need you to prove them right.

Every now and then,
When I'm sitting alone in my
Pajamas, with a cup of hot
Chai tea and a dash of honey
In the morning
I sit against the wall
I breathe in and out
Once, twice, a few more times

And then I let down the
Gate in my mind
And my thoughts
Prance in the field of
Morbid dreams

I imagine my death
And I wonder just who
Would bother to show
And I wonder if
That boy, yeah, that one,
The one I loved for
Five years,
Would anyone even
Tell him?
Or would he be too busy
Shooting up, getting drunk,
Too busy trying to attempt
Inadvertent suicide?

I picture my mother
In her pressed black pants
And her modestly sequined
Funeral blouse that I've only
Seen three times or so
She'd rip the glasses off of her
Head and scream at my father
Why was she such a *****?
Didn't she know I loved her?

Yeah, Ma, I knew
I knew you loved me when
You grounded me for an A-
I knew you loved me when
You glared at the food on my
Plate,
After I hadn't eaten in a week
And huffed,
You're going to eat that?
Do you want to be an elephant
Or something?

I knew when you read my
Diary in seventh grade
And yelled about all of the
Deep secrets I wrote to paper
I knew when you told me
How disappointed you were
When you swore you'd never
Ever
Be proud of me

Then my mind wanders over
To my father
The big teddy bear
Graying scalp, icy eyes
His suit from 1977
That always made me laugh
And I let myself wonder
If he would even
Bother to cry

I skim across my friends
Druggies
Thieves
Liars
Cheaters
They'd miss me, wouldn't they?

Last, I ponder over
Who would show up
That I wouldn't even want
To be there
The people I've crossed
And thrown away
The ones I loved
And wrote off

I'm sure there would
Be plenty of those
Spewing lies about
How I used to be

And it all swirls together
Down Tornado Alley
My ex's lack of interest
My mother's bleeding heart
My father's vacant stare
My friends' misplaced grief
My enemies' back stabbing falsehoods

And I wonder if any
Of these people
Would honestly be able to say
That they knew me at all...



Meanwhile, the Christmas music
My mother loves to blast
Flows down the hallway and
Under my door

*Fa la la la la
La la la la...

There I sat
Broken hearted, dripping eyes, in the streets of Chicago
There I sat
My arms entwined in your bitter memories

There I sat
With promises thinner than the wind
And whispers much more delicate
Than your mother's china

There I sat
Cuffs left unbuttoned
Sleeves half dangling
There I sat
Pebbles digging into my thighs
Leaving little red marks
That would fade in time.

There I sat
With the sun setting just as it always did
With the birds chirping recklessly
A sickening scene

There I sat
Salt stained shoulders
Your nose buried into my pulse

There I sat
Whiskey eyed,
Pretending I could resurrect our lives.

And whether you care to remember or not,
There I sat,
With your torturous silence

There I sat,
Knowing full well,
We had both died long ago.

The pieces cut up my hands
The years shattered in seconds
And there I sat
Wishing I simply had the courage
To just walk away.

You are far too young for me
So they say

But still, I admire from afar
And perhaps they don't understand
How the age of your mind
Is far beyond
Your years on this planet

They don't understand
How you're the only man
                                                             ­    (Or should I say boy?
                                                            ­      I think of you as a man...
                                                          ­        Maybe that is wrong

                                                          ­        Well, I'm usually wrong
                                                           ­       About these things

                                                         ­         So why change now?)

Anyway

You're the only man
I've been able to trust
Since he stashed me away
On his dusty shelf
With a cracked spine
And frayed ends

On the darkest nights,
When sleep cannot be found
For miles on end
I dream of your lips
Pressed into mine
Wildly
Forbidden
As I dig my cougar claws
Down your shoulder blades

I shake out my fantasy
Try my best to behave
Appropriately
Knowing that I will spend
The next few years
Waiting patiently

While you fall in love
With some fragile girl
That won the birthday lottery
For she gets to hold your hand
Without the judgmental looks
From disgruntled parents

And she doesn't even exist yet,
                                                            ­      (To you anyway)
But she will one day
And I will be ravenous with jealousy
Of her mocha skin
And her savage eyes
And her luminous smile

And then the time will pass
As it always does
Before I know what to make of it,
An inevitable invitation
To your wedding with the tigress
Will plop into my dead hands

And as you stand at the alter
Opposite of an angel
You will shoot me a glance
So abrupt,
I almost won't catch it.

But it will be there
Of course
And my eyes will meet with yours
Sincerely
With regret

And even though my bones
Will ache with desire
To object
I will abide by social standards
And stay seated
And stew for all eternity
Wondering what could have been
If only…

The two most powerful words
I will even know
If only...

Because you are far too young for me
So they say..

Buzzed
My brain cells might
As well be
Covered in fuzz
Sluggish and confused

This green is getting
The best of me
Just when I thought
I was done
That I gave it up for
Good

Mary Jane
Comes a'knockin'
On my door again
And you know me,
I could never
Turn a lady down

Shes in my lungs
Infecting my blood
Like a purposeful
Plague

Maybe this is the
Unconditional love
That I've been
Searching for
All along

But then again,
Maybe it's not
Maybe it's only a drug that I
Fall into

To escape
To avoid
The mundane
The boring

I wonder if
My health is
Worth

This feeling of
Disconnection
From the
World
That I long for

I bite my lip and
I can taste the
Iron
In my blood
It's nothing compared
To the
Flame on my
Tongue
Those words that
Combust in my
Lungs

Our memories
Dance in my
Skin
You crawl
Through me
Again
Devils in my
Thoughts
Morality running
Thin

A yawn leads
To a
Collapse
I fall into your
Arms
A twisted
Damsel in
Distress
Try to
Save me
It's not so
Easy

Some people think that as an
Adult
I can be a tad rough
Rock solid skin
But as a
Child
I was exponentially
Worse

Kicked
Screamed
Cried
Teased
Scratched

A walking terror
My father deemed me
"Crab-Apple Lynn"


The neighbors would
Whisper
Of that horrid five-year-old
Girl
That would push and
Tackle
The boys down the street

And on the night
That I kicked my
Brother's friend in the
Groin
And he tumbled
Down the stairs
Word spread like
Wildfire
That Crab-Apple
Had struck again

Notorious bully
Walking with balled fists
Kicking over Lincoln Logs
Smashing Play-Doh sculptures
Sneezing purposefully
Spewing out green phlegm
And wiping the boogers
On fellow peers
Half-grinning
At their cries

Feared by all
But respect
Was the one thing
The miniature version of
Me
Could not earn

And despite my youth
Despite the over-sized chip on my shoulder
Tiny me
Found a way
To flip around
Turn a leaf
Turn a page
Turn a head

Completely change
Altogether

And suddenly
Crab-Apple disappeared
And Sarah grew in
View

It was as though
Somehow, someway
The little me knew that

Fear is worthless

My cheeks
                               Flush red
And my knees
                                   Go weak

A school-girl
                                           Crush
On the new kid

Except this
Isn't school,
This is                       work

And my                           mind
Goes places it shouldn't
And before I know it
I'm                                          imagining
Us in the back room
Lip rings                                        entangled

I shake away the             thought
When you walk past
I try to                                          play it
                                                             Cool
But the only thing
That comes out of
                                               My mouth
Are quiet                                           stutters

Cheeks growing      redder
Knees                              weaker

Oh­, the things          you
Do to                               me

Of course
That's when
                                               She
Goes through your line
And                                             greets
you with                                              
                                                             A kiss
Of course
                Of course


How could someone
                                 Like you
Be alone
                                 Like me...?

We were just two kids with broken hearts
   Trying to piece together our lives
Sitting on the curb at the break of dawn
   Soaking up the blood in our eyes

How many times had I given up?
   How many times had you lied?
Honestly, at this point I've lost count
   But at least we can say we tried

You told me it's best to just move on
   And soar through the sky blind
Let the darkness surround me
   And explore the depths of my mind

I told you I'd already found another
   Who was nothing like your kind
He'd never rip my bones to shreds,
   Never drag a knife through my spine

And we were still watching the morning break
   With my head on your shoulder
I asked you just what went wrong
   You said our souls die as we get older

I stood up, nodding in agreement,
   Wishing the skies warmth was bolder
And you sat there watching me turn away
   Leaving your life that much colder

These demons in my head
Are no less real than the
Pills in my hand
Laced in glossy white
And pink
A heavy dose of
Dreams

What's the diagnosis
Besides my obvious
Inability to sleep?

Maybe I am allergic
To these bright lights
Strung around the world
In little clusters

Maybe I am repulsed
By the faint smell of
Pine diffusing off
Her clothes

Maybe I am appalled
At the thought of
Sugar plums twirling
In my ****** up head
While I try to rest
On the stone cold floor

I have a case of hate
A disease completely
Impossible to escape
Jolly is not a word
To me
Anymore

December, December
The way you make my
Pale lips shiver
In the frosty air
The way you make
The green grass crunch
Under my cut up
Feet

I think I may have
Loved you once
Many moons ago
Back when that
Fat guy with the beard
Was real

But now things are
Different
You make my nose
Glow red
And my skin
Dry up in flakes

And I swear,
Miss December
You are ruining
Every second of
Every day

Because it's so much easier
To place the blame
On someone who isn't
Exactly real

Now, back to the pills
Down they go
Along with my words
Along with the poem

Goodnight,
Miss December
I pray to wake in
January's light.

Our hands frozen together
Black masks
Backpacks
Running from the flashing lights
Down the street

They'll never catch us
No
This is our time
Our night
This moment
This breath
Is us

Sneaking through bushes
Mechanical
Zombied
Black clothes
Hushed tones

Blood pumping
From the rush
A law breaking
High

Like drinking
A full *** of
Coffee
All at once

You swim through my
Veins
Like an adrenaline
Plague

Eggs
Toilet paper
Paint
Krazy glue
Peanut butter

Oh, the hell we'll
Bring

The moon is full to
Bursting
The air is stiff
Lifeless

You and I
Multitasking mischief
Together
Bonding over
Cracked shells
And pumpkin guts

Giggling through the
Stars
Almost caught
Almost lost
Almost...
In love?

No! Not that!
No emotions
No adult things
On this
Our one and only
Night of fun

The night meant for
The monster that lives

Under our skin

And what happens
When I finally tell you
That I was too ashamed to admit
That I dreamt up your face
When his lips touched mine
And I auto-tuned his voice
In my head until it was
A duplicate of yours
And that I traced his skin
But somehow my sensory memory
Defied the rules and I
Flashed back to seven years ago
When your arm was around my waist
And what happens
When you're not here
Anymore and my words are too
Late
And I end up engaged,
or God, married
To this man because
I keep pretending he's you

And I keep telling him
That he has my whole heart
But I think we both know
The truth
That it's always belonged to you
And that,
To be honest,
I don't ever want it back

Because in seven years time,
I've realized that it is so much easier
To sleep at night
To breathe in winter
To sigh in his arms
When I can't feel a ****** thing at all
And maybe I'm lying to him
And maybe that's ****** up…

But we're all damaged.
We're all damaged.

*Lord knows you made sure of that.

There are some nights where I barely sleep at all
I sit up in my sheets
Entwined in the heat
Listening intently to the chirps of birds
While they dream
And often, I wonder in the stillness
What an animal drowning in freedom
Has left to dream about?


And then there are some nights where I sleep for days
I lay very quiet in my sheets
Breathing in the heat
Dreaming up all the ways you left me for dead
While they danced
And often, I wonder in the stillness
What a person drowning in solitude
Has left to dream about?

Teased and taunted
Forever haunted
A breath or two
From black to blue

One cut up girl
Against the world
Holes in her chest
Soak up the mess

Her eyes grow cold
Her soul's been sold
She's left shattered
Broken and battered

I met her in December
Which at the time
Felt so typical
She was always so upset
Over nothing at all
And I just wanted to heal her soul
With my bleeding hands

She hurt to touch
Scars littered her wrists
Her thighs
Her heart.

She hurt to see
Even when she smiled
I could still sense
A deep melancholy  
Within her

If I could imagine up a way
To personify
Depression
My character
Wouldn't have been half
As tragic
As Emily Mae

And I stared at her
Staring into the mirror
Pinching her sides
Pretending that the
Elasticity of her skin
Somehow represented ugliness

Stop that you're stunning
I would whisper to her
Do you think so?

Do you want to know what I think?
I became stern
I think that it is so horrifying
To live in a society
Where if we see bones
On our pets
We automatically
Think they are being abused
Or starving to death
But if we see bones
On ourselves
We consider it

*Beauty.

Glossy eyes blinking
Empty mind spinning
Day in and day out
The clock ticks away at my skin
Shaving off one breath at a time

One less moment spent
In this shell, this body
Is this my face?
Am I defined by these features?

Doe eyes that deceive
Liquid gold swirling around black centers
Hypnotizing the weak
Snake hair strands that
Freeze strangers to stone

Pale white skin, fragile paper
Without scars, untouched
No finger shaped bruises that
Match a hand like a well
Measured glove

Soft skin, straight nose
All two-hundred and six
Bones of me
Strung together as a reflection
Of my soul

Am I this person? This body?
This life? These words?
Am I my bad habits or
My horrible intentions?
Am I my friends or
My family?

Is there a difference
Between
Independence
And lonliness?

Am I simply a series
Of thoughts and
Feelings
Following one another
To create a person,
A life?

Didn't I come here
For something more?

I could scream at the
Empty sky for
Hours upon hours
Begging for answers

But there will be none
There is only solace
In the puff, the hit, the needle,
The snort, the swallow, the breath

Take me out
Take me away
Take me into the sky
I want to be just as
Empty
As everybody else

Sometimes I sit and I wonder
What falling in love feels like
The slow process of
Flirtation and adoration
Cute notes to even cuter girls
Phone numbers
Written in ball point pen
In hands trying so hard
Not to sweat
The stuttering that occurs
Every time your heart
Beats too fast
The first time a butterfly
***** it's wing
Inside your stomach
And your cheeks flush red
And at first
You really can't tell
If your falling in love
Or dying
Because they feel so
**** similar
At first
You're not too sure
Why your icy veins melt
When she says your name
At first
Your hands are always
Clammy and your skin
Turns raw
At the very
Idea of her


I've never
Felt that way
About anyone.
It is so strange
How people fall
So slow.
When I meet someone
I either instantly
Want them gone
Or
I become
Utterly, irrationally, obsessed with their
Entire being
I want to know
Every inch of them
All at once
I ask question upon question
Gnawing at their minds
Until they grow
Completely sick
Of me.

Oh how lovely,
It must be,
To fall in love slowly.
A virtue I will never
Know.

I'm drowning in all the lives I could have lived
Dreaming up the people I could have been
A nagging feeling that this path is wrong
Retracing these prints, where should I have gone?

Those who dwell on the past are stuck in depression
But focusing on the future is also a deadly obsession
There is a balance hidden in the here and now
But I braid Father Time's beard and take a bow

A game well played, designed flawlessly
He laughs as I try to piece together my life messily
Nothing fits, not even the broken memories
I slowly accept I will never be who I'm meant to be

I'm envious of the tigers never having to check the seconds
The sheep never worrying about being late to lessons
Learning something deeper than I ever could
Tell me, am I living the way everyone should?

Enjoying every beat, every tear, every laugh, every sigh
Instead of getting caught up in the labyrinth of my mind
The sun sinks, exposing the darkest of nights
It's time to start over, time to embrace my life.

Have you ever wished that you were a different person entirely?
Not for a different color of hair
Or a different weight
Not for almond eyes and a heart shaped face
Or a better laugh
But what if you woke up as someone else?
Complete with new memories and enemies
A new set of parents or lack there of
And a new perspective on the world
Would you miss the old you?
Would you want to go back
To the way things were?
Would you realize that you actually enjoy
Your boring mundane routine
Simply because it is hauntingly comforting
Because there is sanity entwined with repetition
Because doing something more than once
Helps it define you, somehow, in a way…
Or would you be just happy
That you got another shot?
That you could start over?
Picking up all the pieces someone else
Had left behind?
A new kid on the last day of school.
What would you do?

And how would you feel
If you never woke up at all?
If this was your last night?
Would you welcome death like an old friend
Or would you run? Fearful?
Would regret hang on your face
Or would you laugh at all the time passed
Would it be too soon?
Or fashionably late?

Would you die?
Or would you have left footprints
In the stars?

You drop the word
Forever
Like it's nothing

And I wonder
How many
Forever's
You've muttered
To all the girls
Before me

And I wonder
If forever
Is something I could
Really
Live to see

Perhaps forever
Is your way of saying
Please, my love,
Consider
Marrying me

Because to me
Forever
Is a promise
That few can really
Keep

And forever
Is a day
I never want to see

Because
I've been promised
Forever
A thousand times over

My ears, my heart
They're sick of
That word
Forever

Why don't you just
Love me today
And let forever
Speak for itself
For a change.

I imagine a life with you
But I'm still dreaming of him
I want your children
Running around our house
Jumping on our bed
Sunday morning regret
Homemade waffles
From hungover hands
But it'll all be worth it
Because I know
Even then, years from now
There will still be stars in  your eyes
When my hair is a mess
And my clothes are littered with holes

I imagine our wedding day
The invitations with calligraphy
Engraved in deep ink
And how I can't bring myself
To dare write his name
With my hungover hands
And I don't tell you this
But I still dream up his face
When I'm kissing your lips
And I wish I could stop
But my heart is a mess
And his eyes never shined
Nearly as bright as yours
But they were deep enough
Kashmir quick sand
And I'm still stuck
Dreaming of him, my dear

I wish I was sorry.

This one is for the mothers
For the sisters of yesterdays husbands
For the girls I'll never know

This one is for the stranger
In the grocery store
Slamming down the apples
Hoping they bruise as much
As he bruised her
Because we're all just
Rotten produce in the long run
Anyway

This one is for the CEO of Corporate America
That cheats at the office
And at life
That skips the basketball games
Of sons that weren't really his
In the first place
To work extra hours
Triple over time
Which is really just code for
Bonking the receptionist
On the table in the lobby area
And she'll think slyly
While he pulls her hair
Enjoy the ******,
*******

This one is for those sad eyes
I pass every day
Holding out a tin can
Jingling to the beat
Of copper plated plastic
Or whatever the ****
Our money is made from,
These days
Screaming for change
And I always saunter by
With a pocket full of pennies
Thinking
I wish I could give him
The kind of change
He really needs

This one is for the alcoholic
Better known as my brother
This is for the man that still tries
To drink away his heartache
With a case of Natty Ice
For the man who can't
Hang on to a dollar
More than a minute
Because he can't take the money
With him to heaven
Or to hell, probably hell,
And tomorrow was never really
Promised to us,
Was it?

This one is for the woman
Who spent thirty years
Behind a register
Pretending it wasn't really
All that her life
Had to offer
This is for the woman
With the thinnest skin
I've ever seen
The woman who let the world
Break her
On a daily basis
This one is for
My mother

This one is for that ****** up girl
Who is beginning to think
That love and hate
Are the same emotion
With different masks
For the girl who always wanted
A drug addiction
To blame her problems on
For the girl who never gave up
On anyone
But herself
This one, this is for the girl
That writes to no one
This is for the girl with no goals
No ambition
No dreams
This one is for the girl
With a broken heart
And a broken smile
Wondering what she did
To deserve this life

This one, this poem
Is the only one
I've ever written
For me

I gave you the sky
And you flew away

I don't know
What I was expecting.

But it wasn't that.

I hold you close in my chest
Along with the others
The ghosts of my past
I assign you a chamber
That empty hollow room
One of the many
Locked away in veins,
Sealed up in blood
And all of those I miss you's
You sputtered
As I slammed you shut against my skull
Are now replaying themselves
Rattling inside my mind

I think, my dear,
That the next world war
Will most definitely start
With the spark you left inside my heart
But you are simply a memory now
Taunting me with the horrors of yesterday
Sticking your tongue out
And tracing it along my clavicle
Don't you see dear?
I'm referencing all of our favorite songs
Not that they'll ever understand,
But you can bet your shortened dollar
It's still replaying in my mind
And I'm holding your invisible hand
Wishing for just once more
That you were still next to me
In flesh and bone
Not just wind and dust

I carry you with me every day
But it's simply not enough
So I sip, smoke, inject
Praying for the same fate
That met your lips
The day you deflated in my arms
We will be together yet,
I can promise you that
I **** away all my pennies
Praying for fate to unscramble these words
And snap me right back next to you
Where I've belonged
All along

Bad morning darling, my eyes cynically beam
Staining my rotten teeth and my swirling dreams
The best ******* part of waking up
Is this twisted sickness in my gut
Nausea freshly brewed
Minty gums partially chewed

Bleeding raw, half crimson, half cream
Another cup spilled at the ****** scene
Caution tape draped around my tongue
Shooting up caffeine like a ****** with a gun
The sweet snow crystals dangle on my buds
The rings on our table blur and smudge

An heirloom ruined, a life destroyed
Another addiction to soak up the void
Dipping memories into steaming drops
Steeping leaves and beans into knots
I drain my mug, knowing the bitter truth
Coffee will never leave me the way I left you.

I never understood
The worship of celebrities
Especially actors
Oh, good for you
You did a great job
At pretending to be someone else

Well,
You know what?
I pretend to be someone
Else
Everyday
I pretend to be
Happy

So where the ****
Is my award?
Because I've been doing this
All day
Every day
For twenty-three years

And I don't get paid for it.


So why am I supposed
To praise you
For something I always
Have to do?

Your two a.m. words are my favorite
The way the starlight reflects in your eyes
And your smile breaks your face in half
When you tell me about your homeland
And how you used to sleep in the mountains
I paint the picture in my mind of you
Riding whitetail through the tropics

He's probably dead now, you admit
That horse you loved all those years ago
And it just breaks my ******* heart
But you don't seem to notice
You're talking to the shadows
To the monsters under my bead
Reminiscing of how things used to be

And how you miss the smell of coffee
When your mother would grind the beans
You tell me you miss your home
But you don't ever want to return
Because nothing can restore the past
Because I'm here, now, with you

You tell me that my laughter
Is the only home you'll ever need
And that the mountain bonfires
Cannot compare to the heat from my skin
You tell me you always believed in angels
But I was the first one you ever laid eyes on
You tell me my lips are sweet and my voice
Always hums the perfect melody

And in all these ways
You tell me you love me.
But I tell you
I cannot compete with a memory,

And it breaks my heart
Even more.

I'm gonna start this day out right
I'm gonna fall in love
Fall in love with my life
And you can't stop me, no
You can't stop a heart from breaking
All the truth that you were shaking
And just how many lies
Does it take
For you to realize
I was never yours
In the first place

So stop pretending
Deflate that ego, boy
Our friendship is pending
Our whole lives are pending

But I'm gonna start this day out right
Because I'm fine, I'm just fine
And I'm gonna fall in love
Fall in love with my life

And you can't stop me, no
You can't stop my heart from beating
Can't stop my eyes from bleeding
And I can promise you this
I've never been better
I've never felt so fine
It really is for the better
I'm glad that you're not mine

Read it through again and tell me
*Do you still think I don't know how to lie?

I am not a poet
Because I don't have the
Vast vocabulary of most
And I can't tell you the
Difference
Between haikus and acrostics  
And I don't know
How many stanzas make up
A "good write"

I am not a poet
Because I'm a psychopath
And I sip my coffee
From the wrong side of the mug
And I open my banana
Upside-down
And I tangle my heart
Into knots on purpose
Despite it's resilience

I am not a poet
No, I'd like to think
That I'm the poem
But I'm not that either
I'm more of a chaperon
For life's chaos
I watch over the panic attacks
And I coddle the over doses

No, no,
I am not a poet
How can I be?
When I've been tipping
And tapping
My shoes in the hall
Just waiting for doomsday
I've just been hoping
Praying
For this to be simple
For the sky to come crashing down
Because then I can say
That the bills
The rent
The schooling
The mainstream *******
Was all meaningless

I am not a poet
Because I can't make a good
Rhyme
And I'm not as clever
As I used to be

I am not a poet
Because I often succumb to the
******* of others' words
Because I know that
They said it better
Than I ever could

And I am not a poet
Because I'd rather quote
Those before me
Than find strength in my own
Broken syllables

I am not a poet
But I am the raw
And deep
Bleeding sore on the side
Of your mouth
That you can't help but chew at
That you could never possibly
Ignore

I'm not a poet
Because these words
Really belong
To the wind
And my pulse rests
In the Earth's crust
And my emotions
Connect in the sky
And my fingertips
Are made from stardust

No,
I am not a poet


*Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.
—Lawrence M. Krauss

I was pretty young
When I took my first sip
I was well aware of the danger
But that didn't matter much
It's hard to fear death
When you secretly
Pray for it

So I drank a fifth
Of some street corner bottle
I was so ******* cliche
With the paper bag and everything
I guess some would say
It was a cry for help
But I didn't want help
I didn't want
Anything

I didn't want to be a functional
Part of society
I didn't want to help the wealthy
Stay wealthy
And the poor
Stay poor
I didn't want to hinder
The growth of the human experience
I didn't want the media
To consume my soul

I didn't want any of it
Any part of it at all.

They say alcohol is addictive
But I don't think
It really is all that addictive
I think people are
Hooked on the possibility
That something could finally
Erase their past
From their memories
Addicted to the way
The cells might line up
And die off
Side by side until
The pain was obliterated

So, obviously
I drank.
I drank a lot back then
Because for just a minute
Or an hour
Or a night
I could forget everything
That ached in my chest
I could muffle the demons
For just a night…

That's what I was addicted to -
The idea of a fresh start.
I'd drink anything with the side effect
Of erasing the past.

It's not the alcohol.
They're addicted to the promise
Of a new life.
One brain cell at a time.

Expand your mind
With drugs, with knowledge
Learn more about the world
Than you ever dreamed you could
Learn five languages
Travel everywhere
See it all, every crevice of the universe
Be humble
Discover all
Approach each day
Through the eyes of a newborn
Understand that beauty
Is subjective
Understand that life
Is about connections
Understand that evil
Is a human creation
This is so important
Chase enlightenment,
Not Benjamins.
Chase the stars.
Be the best
At everything.
Be the person you so openly envy.
Be humble, my child.
And if nothing else,
Love everyone.
The most important lesson of all
Love everyone.
Love them unconditionally.
Forgive them.
All of them.

Life is about connections,
My child.

Together, you and I have been through,
More than I would ever like to admit to.
I haven't forgotten seventh grade, the gun,
Held to my head as some type of "fun,"
The look of horror in my youthful eyes,
As you swore it was just a sickening surprise.
I wish that was the only time you had,
Almost ended my life, without feeling bad.
But no, let's not forget the hood of your car,
As you sped down the road towards the bar,
And as I screamed, you slammed on the breaks,
I flew off, later having to patch up the scrapes.

And now people wonder if I'm blind, deaf, or dumb.
There are no answers to give, I'm simply numb.
How can we still be friends? They ask.
Well I have to tell you, it's no easy task,
But I know a side to you that no one's ever seen.
I know why you are so afraid of your dreams,
Your life of solitude and constant insomnia,
Those lonely weeks you spent in California.
I know it all baby, I've always paid attention,
But you're a monster now, or so they mention.
So I have no choice, I need know,
I ask you in a low tone, cold and slow,

Where are we going? I could never really tell,
You respond darkly. **If we're lucky? Straight to hell.