If you
Ever get angry
For no reason at all
I will hold you
Tight
Until
The rage subsides

And if you
Feel sad sometimes
I promise
To bake your favorite
Chocolate chip cookies
From scratch
And I will even
Let you
Lick the spoon

And if you
Work 'til your bones
Creak with age
I will kiss your wounds
Inch by inch
Until you feel
Whole again





And if you
Tell me you
Really love me
And your words
Sound
Genuine enough

Well,
I just might
Spend the rest
Of our lives
Trying to understand

Why.

Let's get drunk,
And fall in love.

(Possibly in that order)

I'm a *****
But there's a reason why I am this way
All those times he left me
Abandoned, feeling lost and betrayed

I'm a *****
Because I let him go get high
While I sat in the cold
Alone, with a baby kicking inside

I'm a *****
For loving him the way I did
I'm a *****
For never telling him that it was his kid

This is sick to admit
But when your hand brushed mine
Last night
In the most innocent way possible
I swear on the headstone
Of the mother
I really never knew
That it was the most alive
I've ever felt
In my entire life

It was odd
That second felt like a lifetime
And a nanosecond
All rolled into one

And if just a touch of your hand
Could make me want
To live just that much longer

Imagine

Just imagine

What a kiss could do.

It just takes a heartbeat.

You are brought into this world
Shaking and crying
Confused and lost
Awake and aware
Unable to speak
Barely breathing
Eyes wide with innocence
Pure as sunlight
Screaming from the pain

And your mother
Collapsed in agony
Suddenly detached
From her first born
Relieved yet bitter
Nostalgic and anxious

Her precious child
With nothing more
Than a pulse,
A heartbeat,
And wide eyes
Revealing the universe
With every blink

And you grew up so fast
Too fast, she claims
As you watch the home movies together
Over popcorn
And cigarettes
And the pixels expose
How you waddled through the weeds
Speaking in tongues
And gibberish

And you fell down
But you never cried

You look over
And your mother is passed out
On the old tattered couch
Slowly, mechanically, you rise
And sneak out the front door
Delicately and deviously
Alone and brave
Unaware that the youth
Are far from invincible

Your pal Trevor meets you
A block down
Blasting that punk rock ****
Because your mother hates it
And secretly, so do you
And in a heartbeat
You're in his front seat
Screaming about the world
And how ******
It all is

Trev smiles sadistically
Passing you a ****
Of something sweet
To take all your troubles away
And suddenly
You're flying
Down the highway
With your arm out the window
A wing spread
Your heart bursts
You grow up so fast

And suddenly
You don't hate the world at all
But it's far too late

You look over
And Trevor is passed out
In his old, beat up Chevy
Gracefully, rapidly, you rise
And ascend up to the pearly gates
Tragically and disturbingly
Alone and afraid
Suddenly aware that the youth
Are far from invincible

And your mother gets the call
Four in the morning
Distraught and confused
Suddenly the words pieced together
And she lost her baby
To this cruel, ****** up place.
She screams.
And sobs.

You were taken from this world
Shaking and crying
Confused and lost
Awake and aware
Unable to speak
Barely breathing
Eyes wide with innocence
Pure as sunlight
Screaming from the pain

It just takes a heartbeat.

You know that old saying
When someone abandons you?
"It's their loss..."

Well, I never knew
How true that was...

I would have loved you
Until the end of time
I would have kissed your scars
I would have iced your bruises
I would have stitched your slices
On your body
And your soul

I would have held you
Until the sun came up
And the light made your
Heart warm again

I would have grown
Every ingredient in your dinner
In our backyard
Harvested the carrots
For our soup

I would have chopped wood
And bought your mother flowers
I would have done our taxes

I would have stayed up
And waited for you to come home
When the office made you stay late
I would have greeted you at the door
With a kiss and smile
And a hot cup of cocoa

I would have sewn the holes
In your jeans

I would have held your hand
At all those funerals
For the ones you barely knew

I would have been your
Plus one
For eternity

And those are the saddest
Words I'll ever know
Because we both
Know it's the truth.

I really would have
Loved you best.

And still you left.

I should have ripped
The stars from his eyes
And tossed them back to the moon

I should have stitched
Our wrists together for eternity
So he could hold me in the dark

I should have listened
To all those slaughtered petals
Because in the end - he loved me not

This world is ripping me to
Shreds
Someone has amputated my
Heart
With blood soaked hands
Gasping
I can't do this
Screaming
Get away from me
Pleading
Just leave me alone
Broken
Lock the doors, close the windows
Monster
I just want to live
Greed
Sick of the *******
Desperate
Get out of my head
Impossible
Negativity consumes my being
Relentless
There is no way
Out
Is there?

I just thought you should know that I can hear it in your voice.

The emptiness, the memories,

The thought of what-once-was.

I thought you should know that you're not fooling anyone anymore.

I thought you should know that

I know

You want to die.


I thought you should know that I don't miss you nearly as much as

I thought I did.

I thought you should know that my heart

Doesn't beat the same anymore.

I thought you should know that I gave up on love

The day you walked out.

I thought you should know that you never left my mind.


And I thought was happy the day you came back.

Again.


I thought you should know that

You attacked me like cancer.

And I hate it.

I hate that you're in my blood.

I hate that you're eating away at every inch of me.

I thought you should know that by hating you, in turn,

I've begun to hate myself.


I thought you should know that when they find me

On the bathroom floor,

You shouldn't act so surprised

When you discover it was your name

I carved into my arms.


I thought you should know you killed me first..

And I just cleaned up your mess

For the last time.

The truth was
I knew everyone I ever met
Was going to leave
Or ruin me
Somehow
One way or another..

I just wanted to find
One person
That was actually
Worth it.

But sometimes
Hearts are black
And promises are empty.

I just needed someone
That would pull me away
When I tried to jump
Off the cliffs in my head.

I just needed someone
That made the bruises sting
A little less
Than before
And someone who
Wouldn't dare give up
On me so easily.

Someone who
Knew why my blood ran thick
And my tears ran cold

Someone who
Didn't cut up my lungs
When I breathed in their name.

Someone new.
Because we both know.
It was never you.

I lay my head down
On the pillows of our past
Your indentation hasn't yet shifted
And I can still smell your essence
A twisted mix of shampoo and cheap cigarettes

Inhale.

It's almost like you're still with me
Blackened vision
The ghost of your arm wraps around me
Tighter than you ever had


Let me go.
You let me go.

Exhale.

The months fade like carbon paper etchings
Over time, I can't tell what you used to say
But I swear your voice
Still echoes down the hall
This isn't normal
And I'm proud now
That's half the problem

Inhale.


You breathe in daisies now.
Like I don't know how she smells.
Coconut and sunshine
Run off with your summer dream
While I'm stomping through
Snow angels
Hot boxing igloos, the way we used to
And you pretend to forget
Those nights we died between the stars

Exhale.

Pulse racing.


Suddenly I expose myself
Rip down the walls
Allow the hurt to spew into my vulnerability
Only a fool would miss you
This much

Well, color me brainless
As I breathe you in once more


Darling, I've been abandoned
For the thousandth time
And you'd think by now
I'd keep away

But that's the thing about
Fools in love,


We never learn.
We always think the ones we adore
Are worth the hurt.

They're not,
They're not.

But still,
I'll be waiting at your back door.
Knocking twice with a kick.
Our signal from 1997.

The street lights will gleam in our eyes.
As we try for the last time.

Exhale.


Just stay.

I thought maybe
If I talked to you
Enough
Laughed with you
Enough
Maybe even
Loved you
Enough

That you'd one day
Find a way
To love me back

My mistake.

And the more you
Pushed away
The more I
Needed you
Close

When strangers speak
Of marriage
I still think of you
When lovers speak
Of nights on the lake
I still think of you
When shadows speak
Of the horrors within
I still think of you

And when the last pill
Slides down my throat
I still think of you
*To quicken my death

I overdose
In those bright blue eyes
Every night
I'll drown in your ******* veins
If only you let me

Black tar cannot compare
To the plague caused by
The taste of your name
On my tongue
The scent of your breath
In my blood
It's hell laced with love
And I just can't ever
Get enough.

I remember the dawns we would count
Like we were the only kids awake
In this whole ******* town

I remember the dirt in your eyes
The way you'd swear I was the only one
That ever made you cry

I remember her cut up sleeve
Her bleeding wrist, as I turned away
Weeks before, vowing to never leave

I remember the skin on your hands
Every crevice, every wound
Rougher than that of most mans

I remember the dimmest stars
As we laid in the parking lot
And you promised they were ours

I remember the pills you flushed
As you whispered in my ear
I only take them if I must

I remember her rule breaking skirts
The way you'd confide in me and say
She's pretty enough to take away the hurt

I remember smoking to dull the pain
And trying to escape myself
As the thoughts of you invaded my brain

I remember growing up together
And how you held my hand that morning
Assuring me it would last forever

I remember the days ticking by
Patiently waiting for you to show up
And finally admit you were mine

I remember you testing to see
If she would love you more
So you could just go on and forget me

I remember… every day
The nights I wish I could forget
The ****** up things you'd say

I remember moving on to another
The hypocritical jealousy in your eyes
Just let me be happy for once, you *******

I'm writing this out in my diary
Which could be better known as your
Personal biography
Since every ******* line
Is about you anyway
My dear
And I'm dipping my pen
Into my veins
Harvesting blood for ink
The same way you ****** the life
Out of my lungs
And called it your own

I'm splattered across these pages
Just like your name
So impermanent, so unnecessary
Well, it's just like I never said,
You always were the best
Waste
Of my time
Always were the worst ******* thing
I put myself through
And you never needed me
The way I needed you to

The binding on this book is unraveling
Even my moleskin
Has had enough of you
I'm trying to rewrite the memories
Ripping out the pages
Just more kindling for the fire
In your throat
Stuff it down and pray to the heavens
For just once
You shut the **** up
And choke

I unfold the dog-eared pages
Wondering why I marked
Them in the first place
A common theme - Hatred
For all those times you
Stuck a ******* needle in your arm
Without realizing
You were poisoning me too
And I'm still wondering
If you ever once
Thought of me
When you shoved the plunger down
Or if I was just another ghost
You didn't want to think about

I snap shut my diary
Not wanting to read any more
Not wanting to relive
What little amount of pain
I've managed to forget
Not wanting to reinfect myself
With the thought of you
I toss the scribbled out book
Into our backyard fire
Burning up everything I ever felt
For you
Vowing to never again fall
For another liar

Valentine's Day
Was supposed to be
The day of our
First kiss

Finally

One of us was going to
Work up the
Courage
To let ourselves be
Vulnerable

Even for just a minute

The walk to your house was
Unbearable
I couldn't stop shaking
From the nerves
And anxiety

When I finally rounded the corner
And slowly found a way
To quiet the
Shakes

My mouth flew open
And hit the pavement
At the flashing lights
Blue
And
Red

"No. No. No. No. No. No."
I mumbled to myself
Racing
To your front door

I counted the pigs
One
Two
Three
Four

Four cop cars in your
Driveway
On our first
Valentine's Day together
The day of our excepted
Kiss

No.
I thought again
And again
Until I forgot any other
Words even existed

My legs couldn't move
Fast enough
Somehow I was in
Slow motion

By the time I reached your
Front door
I hesitated
Not sure if
"That's my boyfriend!"
Was a good enough excuse
To grant me access
To the crime scene
In your house

On our day...


Before I could decide
To knock
Or not to knock
The door
Flew
Open

And there she was
The girl I never really
Looked at before
In detail

Your sister
In handcuffs

I swear that I could see
Into her soul
With just a glance

I don't think I could
Possibly forget
That moment

It lasted forever

Her eyes sliced into
My heart
In a way no one
Ever had before

I could see it all
Right then
Her sorrow and
Heartache
Poured into my
Soul
Unexpectedly

I couldn't tell you what
The officers looked like
Or even what
Gender they were

I couldn't look away
From her eyes

Crystal blue
Like the shards of
Glass
That cut me open
And ripped me apart



Our first Valentine's Day
Plays over in my mind
On a constant loop

Not because we were supposed to
Kiss
And never did

Not because you didn't even
Bother
To get me a gift

Not because completely I regret
Dating
You in the first place


But because I knew that somehow

Maybe

I could have saved her...


But didn't.

I'm drained in every way possible
I can't turn to the pen
     Can't turn to the bottle
            Can't turn to my friends

Who will listen
When I have nothing
                                      To say?

There is the same constant
T o r n a d o
Swirling in my mind
R i p p i n g  
Raging chaos
B r e a k i n g  
It's way through what
L i t t l e
Sanity is left

My eyes are   burned
Bright red   blisters
Squeezing   shut
Tired of life, tired of   blinking
Tired of seeing the  world

I'm exhausted
Every cell          aches
Every breath              crumples
Every word                                 snaps

I'm not making sense
Anymore
Not that I ever did,
But still
Things are different
Lately

Every since I babysat that
Little girl
Who   held   my   hand
At her bedside
As I made up a story
About the princess
Who waited
            And waited
                    And waited
To be   s a v e d

And it wrecked me
When she asked me to
Stay with her
Because she was
                                          Afraid
Of the dark and
                                          Afraid
Of sleeping alone and
                                          Afraid
Of the monsters in her mind

It destroyed me because
        I could relate so well
               So I stayed to protect her
For just a night

I stayed even though
        She wasn't mine
                 And it broke my heart
That she wasn't mine

Because I don't think
                                     Anyone
Will ever love me
                                     Enough
To father my child

So I will never be a
M.o.t.h.e.r.

No matter how much I
                                         Long
To be one
No matter how many
                                         Tears
Drop at the thought

It suddenly c l i c k e d
In the darkness
Alone
With the monsters
That I may never actually
Give another
The gift of  
                   Life

And now my thoughts are
Murky water
And my skin is
Smothered a s h
And my heart is
A deep black hole


It breaks me

I will  n e v e r  have a little girl
W r a p  her miniature hand
Around my        f i n g e r
And  w h i s p e r  delicately
I love you,
                     Mommy.

Never.
            Never.
                        Never.

Time lingers on
The seconds tick away
Leaves turn burgundy
My heart turns cold
And your face beams
Sunlight streams from your eyes
You are everything wonderful
About the world
Wrapped into one neat
Perfect little package
And I'm an eighteen year old boy
With the winning lottery ticket
In hand
I am blessed with youth
And with you.



And still I am wondering
How someone like you
Could see something wonderful
In someone like me
I'm wondering even more
How you could ever bare
To love me whole.

We met in the laundry room
No, no
Not a love interest
Or an awkward stranger
No, not this time

A little girl
Alone
Maybe seven years of age
With big bright blue eyes
That staked my heart
Long thin blond hair
And a halo floating
Just above her head

Are you lost?
I asked
Curious
Concerned

She gazed to the West
And thought for a bit
Taking her time
And she split my soul
With the words
**Isn't everyone?

The diamond girl's been ringin' all night
The world's strongest stone is cutting
Through flesh straight to snow white
Bone
Severed by a telephone line wrapped
Around my tissue wrist, disintegrating
In the sin of September, jailed for slicing
Alone

Wires criss-cross over my blackened eyes
Seven inches of glass can't seal out these
Broken screams that stab under my nails
Nightmares
The pills that slide down my throat swell
Inside my head, I've finally found insanity
Peace is internal, the chaos has always been
Out there

So hold me tight, shadow projection
Dig the hole with a needle, sedate me
Silence the terror and break in these sheets
Haunted
Cut, cut out those memories sunken
Into the depths of my subconscious
Pretend I was never the child no one
Wanted

The sweet crimson dances along
Every crevice full, every beige tile
Ruined, splattered, crying red beauty
Below
The splits in my ends pull apart
A half-hair strand dangles in the starlight
I wonder if I will ever catch up to the
Slow

I beg my flushed skin to rot right off
Pray my honey brown eyes grow mold
Hope and wish and dream for
Destruction
I can no longer breathe stale air
Or hide the scent of my own blood
No longer will I live under another's
Instruction

In the land of the forgotten

If I could take you
Home
In my pocket
You know that I would
My Great-Lake state

I'd hide you in my
Closet
And lock you inside
My mind

For if Jersey ever found
You
She just might
Kick my Mid-West loving
***

This love affair is
Growing out of
Control
I find myself day-dreaming
Of the time we
Shared

You live in my skin
Everyday I long
To be reunited
With you

Detroit
Flint
Grand Rapids
Streaming straight through my
Blood
An IV attached to my
Heart

You twist in my head
I can't sleep
At night
No amount of
Counted sheep
Can cure
This disease

The aching pain
Of my soul split
In half
Well over
Seven hundred miles

I've taken
Trains
Buses
Planes
Cars

And if I had it my way
Nothing could keep us
Apart

I pray that one day
We will be together
Once more
I will leave her for you
I will
Just not now.. No..
You see, New Jersey has a bit
Of an attitude
And if I left right now...
Well..

It's tricky, my dear
But I promise

One day
Some day
I will be yours
And you will be my
Little mitten shaped
Love

And then,
Only then
We will know what it's like
To be
Blissfully happy

The really weird thing
About leaving you
Was

I still missed you

Every second
Of every day
I thought of you constantly

I'd wake up
And there you would be

I'd brush my teeth
And your eyes would be
In the mirror
Looking back at me

I'd forget my keys
And you'd remind me
Along the way

You were with me
Oh god,
You were with me so

I couldn't get you away from me
You were in my skin
Embedded in my organs

I walked away from you

But I still missed you
Oh god,
Did I miss you

I'd almost cracked
So many nights
Almost crawled right back
Into your
Track ridden arms

Almost.

I almost killed myself once too.
So what does that tell you
About all that ****
I almost do?

I left you
But I swear
You never left me


Not once.

I have worked
My whole life to be
Someone different from
The woman in front of me

Pierced my bottom lip
And dyed my hair blue
Oh my God, Mother
I'd do anything not to be you

Don't get me wrong
I love you in my heart
But you make me so crazy
I don't even know where to start

I've never once heard you say
That you were proud
But you had no problem
Yelling Failure! at me so loud

My heart ached and a tear shed
All I ever wanted was approval
But in my head I knew
That you just wanted my removal

You pick and **** and pry
Sorting through my stuff
And then you sit and wonder
Why I always act so tough

I can't let you get to me
I can't let you penetrate the skin
I don't know what I would do
If you ever found a way in

I love you, I really do
But this relationship is a mess
You never tell me you care
Even when I'm at my best

It hurts to write this
It hurts to watch you lie
And when they say how sweet you are
All I can do is sigh

They don't know your inner layer
The devil dancing within
Oh dear mother
How I wish we weren't kin

But the part that really gets me
The part that eats me alive
Is that I will always be half of you
No matter how hard I try

I want to be the girl you talk about
When logic is no longer in sight
I want my name to be the one you mumble
To strangers on the street
Crying in the arms of ex-best friends
About how perfect we could have been


I hope I'm that lump in your throat
And you remember every inch of my lips
When you finally kiss another's
Out of sheer bitterness
I hope your bones shatter
When she grabs your hand
And you feel like there's nothing left
Worth breathing for


I want you to miss me so much
That you still dream of me
Singing you to sleep

I hope that, even for just a day,
You know how it feels
To be me

Tonight is so stunning
That I can't bring myself to sleep
I simply cannot miss the
Complexities of the constellations
I cannot pass up the opportunity
To connect the swirling ***** of gas
Billions, trillions, zillions of miles away

And I feel that way everyone does
When they truly take the time
To stare up instead of down
I feel… minuscule.

Just a ******* Earth.
So small
A speck of dust in the tapestry of space and time
I embrace this moment
I hold it deep in my chest

Praying that prior to all 21 grams of me
Disappearing into the vast nothingness
That I remember this
This night, this exact second
I hope, wish, dream that this is what I'll hang on to.

This is what will get me through.
This is what will save my soul.
This. This night is everything I am.

But I know that isn't true.
I know that when I float up into…
Wherever…
That the only thing, the last thing
On my mind

Will be you.
And for that, I apologize
To the sky.

Emotion

It's taking me over
Ripping me apart
Piecing me together
But it isn't the same
The glue doesn't fill in the
Cracks and the tiniest
Of fragments can't be
Replaced
Like a broken glass
That you once loved
That you once would have
Given anything to
Restore
But it's gone,
Just like me


Poetry

I ******* hate it
I don't know why,
I couldn't ever really tell you
Why exactly
But there's a part of me that
Wishes I never
Rode this train
Never danced with words
Or documented these thoughts
I don't want
To look back on these
Stanzas, or whatever they are
And cry
I know I will
Years from now,
I will


Change

I need it so desperately
And yet I'm so afraid
So bottled up on the inside
Caged heart, caged mind
Wall after wall
In life? I'm a *****
Cold hard, rock solid
Ice for words
I'm relentless
I don't care about
Anything
Because I can't
If I did, I would simply
Die
Of heartache


Honesty

It breaks me
A cheese grater to
My skin
Muscle to bone
No one sees
No one notices
What I've turned into
After your death
Yeah, I said it
I ******* said it
You're gone and I think that
I left with you
Why didn't you just
Take me with you?


Death

I don't want it
At all
I don't want to experience
It and I don't want to
Watch it happen
And I don't want to
Feel the seconds escape
And I don't want to admit
That everything
Beautiful
Is impermanent.


Music

Flows through me
And I've never written
Anything without
My good friend
Mozart
Because I don't think
I could do anything
Without him
Don't be fooled by my
Tough exterior
I don't listen to metal
Because inside?
I'm mush


Loneliness

Is the only real
Company I've ever had
I don't exactly see
Eye to eye with the world
It's more like
Eye to fist
Or eye to throat
I'm not sure which
I don't think it matters
Either way
At the end of
The day
It's still
Just me

My mind was once entangled
In a twisted romance
Stuck in the complex webs of
L o v e

It was almost as though a
Lightening bolt had struck
My ever changing
S o u l

My eyes shifted upwards
When he walked through me
Using dialogue that could
K i l l

"I know that we've never met
But I have to tell you
Your fantastic eyes practically
B e a m"

Flattered and confused
My brain and heart lost connection
Unable to tell how hard I would
F a l l

I sank immediately into his skin
Becoming obsessed with his being
And I didn't even know his
N a m e

And suddenly it occurred to me
That falling in love with a stranger
Was nothing more than loving an
I d e a

So I let the only man
That ever captured my full attention
Turn around and walk
A w a y

I'm just a **** up
It's been six years since I saw you last
And I have nothing to update you
With
My life is exactly
The ******* same.

I'm just a **** up
You've got kids now you say
Bright blue eyes and bouncing curls
You're happy now
You say
You've found it all
The secret to life.

I'm just a **** up
But I don't tell you that
I fake a smile and act like
I'm okay too
Like my whole ******* life
Worked out the day you
Walked out
Like I've got secrets of my own
To keep.

But all you really need to know
Is that I kept dealing
Kept slinging around this ****
Like I had something valuable
To sell
Kept crying on subways
Like my life was something
To ***** about.

All you really need to know
Is that I'm still a ****** up
**** up
And I miss you.
And I guess I should be happy
That my partner in crime
Has found someone
To tame him
Finally.

But I miss you so ******* much
So what do you say?
How about we **** this one up
For old times sake?
Get a cup of coffee, roll a jay
And spit one right back
In life's ugly little face?

Kids you say? Three?
How'd they like a step-monster
Just like me?
I'm the kind of influence
They really need
Someone has to teach them
That one day
They'll have the honor of saying

*I'm just a **** up.

My phalanges shake under the
Blood red sunset
My heart beats rapidly
In my throat
My nerves consume
Every inch of my flesh

I'm sitting on that bench
Our bench
Outside that little store
Our store
And I'm thinking of you
Dreaming of you
And it's Autumn
And that song you played
Our song
It's stuck in my head
Because I don't think
It ever left

If only there was a way
To avoid this whole situation
Some way to circumvent
Around life

But there's not

And suddenly
I'm distracted by an
Angel
Or the closest thing to it
That I've ever seen
On Earth

Straight purple hair
Pierced septum
Thick black eyeliner
Cuts down her arms
Oceans in her eyes

It's cold
And I'm alone
And I'm waiting for you
And she's there
And my mind is spinning
And my heart drops
And my posterior goes numb

And I swear to God
If you don't hurry up
I'm going to follow her home

Because my mind is
Skidding off the fringes
Of sanity
And my emotions are
Twisting like pretzels
In a bakery

Confused and broken
The girl
That caught my mind
And stole my time
Walks by in slow
Motion

And the reason
That I'm so easily
Obsessed
With her
Is because she did
Something
No one ever
Could

For a few moments
She actually helped me

Forget about you

I hovered in your hallway
Glancing at those portraits
Crookedly hung upon the wall
I stopped when I saw
The one of you
Five years old maybe
Holding a baseball glove
And smiling

Smiling
Not because you were
High or drunk
Smiling
Not because you just
Shot up some dope
Smiling
Not because you had
******* some *****

Smiling
Because you were
Genuinely happy
At that exact moment
In time

Smiling because
You were still young
And innocent

Smiling because
You hadn't even
Met me yet

I glided down your hallway
And into your room
You were on the bed
Sighing again
You looked right through me
And then stared back down
At the cracks in your hands

You started to talk to yourself
The way a crazy man would
In your situation
"Sarah," you whispered to the shadows,
"I miss you girl, more than you know.
How will I ever get over you?"

And that's when
I leaned over your mourning body
And kissed your lips
So gently
For the first time

You thought it was just
A weird breeze
But in your heart
I think you knew
That it was me

Kissing you goodbye
From the grave

Oh, my gentleman over the sea
Miles upon miles away from me
I can't count my endless dreams
Patch up my mind, take in the seams
This distance is taking it's toll
Wear and tear on my decomposing soul

Oh, my gentleman over the sea
You've locked my heart and tossed the key

I sit and stare at your pictures
And the more I study them
The more I realize
How much they look nothing like you
At all
In my mind, you are…
Stunning
Courageous, wonderful
In my mind, you are everything
But in these photos,
The ones that have permanently
Adhered to my fingertips
You look so
Broken,
Fragile
As though I could rip you in half.

*So I did.

And I like to pretend...

I like to pretend that my
Thoughts mean nothing
That my heart's beat
Is drumming to something

I like to pretend that
The school bus
Wasn't
The first place that I
Learned to trust

I like to pretend that
This technology hasn't
Completely consumed me,
That I still have a chance
At saving or being saved,
That my soul
Isn't always running on
Empty

I like to pretend that
These skies can truly
Lift me into the clouds
That my pulse has never
Thumped so loud
That every night and
Every star isn't
Praying to tumble down

I like to pretend that
I'm a girl in a dress
Instead of the girl
In my head,
The one that's always
Swimming in a
Drug induced mess

I like to pretend that
These crayons make
Some type of valuable art
That my life hasn't
Been splattered on the
Walls from the start

I like to pretend..

I like to pretend that
The air isn't what suffocates
That the death of expression
Isn't why my heart breaks
That my thoughts have
Always found a way
To halt earth quakes

I like to pretend that
I don't know how to rhyme
And that these stupid
******* words aren't
Eating up all my time
That everything I've
Ever imagined was real
Outside the brink of my mind

I like to pretend that
The lighter's flame at night
Wraps me in faux warmth
Cozy and tight
That I've never dreamed
Of dying in spite

I like to pretend
That this world is real
That no one has ever
Taken my soul to steal
Every ounce of happiness
Away,
So that I could never again
Learn how to feel

I like to pretend
Because I never let the child
Die inside my head
And I've never let mild
Attacks boil my blistering skin
And I've never done
Anything I couldn't love
After a while

I like to pretend
Because it's all that I have
Left
Because it's the only
Thing that I've
Kept
And out the door you
Stepped
So still I pretend
Because it keeps me
Well slept

You smile

                            the way

                                                 pretty girls do

When they

                          realize

                        ­                        death      is




**Inevitable.

I push back my plans
The way that I kick back the leaves
And I let them rot
Into the ground

Hoping, maybe
That they will bloom
Later on in life
Dancing under the surface
Hiding underneath the ice

I'm left waiting, and watching
Unsure if I will ever truly decide

What I want to be
When I grow up

Tall and strong like the
Oak tree out back
The one that shaded me in the heat
And protected me from the wind

The one that stood without falter
Through every storm
A few branches fell
And crumbled down to the Earth

But the leaves needed some
Company, anyway
Didn't they?

I can't tell you
How many times
I've hit backspace
Trying to write
This.. this.. poem
About you

About your death
And how it sits
So uneasy
In my blood cells

The horror of it
Plays in my mind
And I wish it didn't
I wish it couldn't

I see it all
Everyday
So vividly

The violent rage
Fueled by psilocybin
That you went into
As you slammed your
Fist through glass

The faces of the
Officers as you
Bled to death
On the floor
In front of your mother

The screams that ring
Through my ears
From that night
Slice through
My unstable soul

I miss you
Plain and simple
I wish there was
Somehow more time
Or a way to
Trade

I don't think that's
Possible

But I really would
Trade

Because the thought
Of my best friend
Losing her
Brother
Of sixteen
To drugs
Simply

Haunts my bones

Call me Queen Midas
Because everything I touch
Turns to ****
Which explains a lot
I suppose

I hate this town
I hate my headaches
I hate my heartaches
I hate...
******* everything aches.

I never thought I could hate
Anything
And then you happened.
And now I hate it all
Every breath, every grain,
Every molecule
Of you

But I don't really hate you
I just hate what you did
What you said
In actuality
I love you
I always have
And I hate that the most
It's a ****** up circle -
An ironic epiphany

You swore you couldn't live without me
Well, last I ******* checked
You were still breathing
And I was still gone
Maybe The Walking Dead
Is more than just a show
You watch
To eat up your time
And numb the hole in your heart
Where my name was once
Engraved

You promised me the moon
But I didn't want the ******* moon
I just wanted you
To be around

I just wanted you
To not text her
When you thought of me

I just wanted you
To grow the **** up and
I don't know
Maybe buy me roses or some lame **** like that

I just wanted you.
All of you
But you wanted
Nothing to do with me
And I would have given you the ******* world
But you didn't want the world

You wanted her.

I skipped home in the sunshine
A deep, dark cloud rested ahead
Taunting me,
Waiting for the opportune moment
Of course, in front of your house
The very house where we..

We used to watch bad horror flicks
Used to cuddle close on the couch
Used to bake cakes together
Used to sing the wrong lyrics
With the wrong chords
Used to get high
Used to **** everything up
Used to live
In

Yeah, that house
Your house.
That's when the sky unleashed
All of it's fury
Raindrops the size of bullets
Piercing through my skin

I had no shelter
No umbrella
No hood
No coat
No poncho
Just a girl and her nostalgia
Walking down Pine street
For the millionth time

So I did what I do best
I embraced it
Took off my shoes
Let the rain consume me
Stuck out my tongue
And drank the rivers
From heaven

And I swear I heard you laughing
Inside
All warm and dry
I guess you felt bad for me

But,
You shouldn't have
Not at all
Because I was the one
That had the strength
To walk alone
In the rain
In the first place
While you played it safe

The difference between
You and me
Is very simple dear
I embrace the world,
You fight it.

So keep on laughing
And I'll keep on dancing
And maybe one day
We'll find a way
To rid ourselves
Of each other.

The shaky palm of my hand
Skims my left flushed cheek
Crimson
A desire swims under
My tissue paper skin
Lust

Your lips pressed to mine
A silent promise
Love
Wings burst out of shoulder blades
Black feathers spread the floor
Angel

A twisted Cheshire smile
And you're out the window
Solitude
Broken glass falls around my frame
Cut up within the sheets
Shattered

Salty hot liquid pools in my eyes
Crying is not an option
Death
Empty inside, scraping my brain
Just one moment of togetherness
Saved

Imagining your strength
Seeping into my bones
Poison
I wonder if you were
Ever really next to me
Illusions

There is a sickeningly sweet
Comfort in loneliness
Shadows
With me, or not, I will never falter,
I'm pure. I'm a thousand reflections.
Diamond

How did I get this way?
I wonder
With my footprints scattered
Across the sea

And suddenly I hate this world
For hating me

Such a strong word,
Hate
And I wonder

Does saying a strong word
A thousand times over
Make it any weaker?

Can I disarm a language?
Dissect the letters with my tongue?

How did I get this way?
I wonder
With weights on my lungs
And smoke in my flesh

The world is rotting away
Can't they see it?
Can't they?

I've got handprints on the stars
Cut up like thanksgiving turkeys

I'm not asking you to understand
I'm not asking you to listen at all
I'm just asking you
To open your eyes.

Question everything, please.
Even this statement.

Even me.
Even you.

We are floating along
In the middle of infinite time and space
And you want me
To justify my existence
Just like that?

Just like that?

What if I can't?
What then?

What now?


Truth be told,
Most days I feel like all that I'm really doing
Is just waiting to die.

Listen, I don't care what you believe in.
If you think fate exists or maybe everything is just completely random.
Regardless, one day, one specific moment in time will hit you like a train.
You'll question everything.
Your previous belief.
You'll think,'Wow, maybe it is all random..'
Or 'Wow, what are the ******* odds..
Maybe this fate stuff has some merit.'
And I think it's that moment that makes us human.
Knowing for a fact that as strong as our perspectives are, they still could be wrong.
We could be wrong, and we probably are.
I just think that maybe.. somehow.. maybe it could be both.
Chaotic and predetermined. Beautifully tragic. Painfully blissful.
And then I think maybe no one else really gives a ****,
And I probably shouldn't either.

Though the microscopic details of last night
Have effortless flooded out of my mind
And into her breath
I can still see all of the scenes
That I tried like hell to forget
But it's in her lungs
Like a piece of her
That she couldn't have possibly lived without
But will still soon let go
And forget
But it's there

Those words I mouthed as I realized
So swiftly
She doesn't know.

This girl that I met and instantly
Felt connected to
Like the frayed string of my favorite crimson sweater
Locked away in my closet
Finally stitched itself up
And it's Winter
And I still look half decent in red
So it's pressed against my skin once more

I sat there with the drugs between my teeth
Like I had something to prove
To myself
And the world
I'm still here you know, I'm still here
And even though I've pinky promised
And high-fived this girl
Like we grew up together
Eating the same dirt
She still doesn't know

She doesn't know all of the tragedy in my blood
And how I make Violet, Klaus, and Sunny jealous
Of my misfortune
A story so dark it would never win an award
But it happened
And it happened to me
And ripped me in half and activated my emptiness
Like depression is just a switch that only flips one way
A back plague that can only adhere itself to hope
And it's safe to say a dementor would starve
If I was left as it's only prey

So here we are,
And we're sharing a bowl laughing bitterly at memories
We wish we didn't have
Acting like we've moved on and built a bridge
Over the heart ache by simply laying down our jackets
On top of a puddle
But it wasn't that simple
I'm sitting in a pile of rubble and bricks with upside-down blueprints
In French
Slot A and B don't exist
And there is no simple way to forget the things
That once made us hole

I want a time machine so I can go back
And erase everything I ever ****** up
I want a time machine so I can flash forward
And see where the **** all of this is leading me to
I want a time machine
Because I'm sick of taking my life day by day
Scraping by, just praying to survive
Hoping someone will ride in on a white horse
With a suit of armor big enough for both of us
And a sword sharp enough to slice up my demons

I take my hit
And I stare at the girl I barely know
Wondering if her past can measure up to mine

She doesn't know.

She doesn't know how broken my heart was
On the day I learned it wasn't really shaped like that
She doesn't know that I was beautiful once
Before the scars took over my skin
She doesn't know

And maybe that's why we're friends.

I called out of work because I didn't feel well
Maybe it was the snuffles
Or the chills


Or maybe..
Maybe it was that thing you do to my stomach
The way it flips over and over again
When you say my name
Or flash a smile


I think back so frequently
Too frequently maybe


Remember when we were laughing on your couch together
Sitting dangerously close to one another
Then your mother came home
And you flew to the other side of the room
I still wonder why
You moved away
From me
So quickly


Were you embarrassed?
Shocked?
Confused?
Did you want
Nothing to do with me?


Had you not realized
How close I was
To holding your hand


I think back

To when you watched the Superbowl at my house
And we snuck out
To the woods
You shared your flask with me
Blackberry brandy

How could I possibly forget?


I remember the way
That you looked at her
And how it slowly cut my heart open
Every
*******
Time


It seems so long ago
That we tried
To build an igloo
In your back yard
And your mother
Called us crazy
And wished she could be

Young like us


But the memory that stands out most
Is when those words left your lips
"I'm just trying to cut
certain people out of my life."

It still stings


I remember every footstep
As I tried to escape
To another room
To another life
Just to let out a few tears

Alone


I can still taste the salty liquid
On my tongue
As you stood above me
Not apologizing
Not saying a word at all
You just stood there and watched me
Slowly
Break
Down


Until I finally had enough strength
To tell you how I really felt
At that exact moment
"Get. The. ****. Out. Of. This. House."
I screamed through the sobs
And you listened

And it still stings


So now
Years. Months. Weeks. Hours. Minutes.
Later
How are you still
Haunting my mind?


I see the horror in your eyes
The monster within

I see the track marks
And what they've done

I see the burnt bridges
And how alone you must be


I miss my best friend
So much that it breaks my heart
From time to time


Because I know
That underneath everything
You really are a great person


I don't know what you are so afraid of
But I can't do this

Anymore


Because now I'm left wondering
If all we have in common
Are
The
Memories

And it still stings


I called out of work today
Maybe
Because I just couldn't handle
The thoughts swirling around
In my mind

Or maybe
Because I don't know
What I mean to you
Anymore

Or maybe
Because I just wanted
A day
To recover
From those nights we spent
Doing things
That I'm still ashamed of

Or maybe
I really was just
Sick today


Sick of you
Sick of breaking
Sick of breathing
Sick to my stomach


I have to admit
My scratchy throat
Swings of nausea
Runny nose
And chattering teeth
Cannot compare to the

Hell

You put me through



But I've never called out of work
For you
Even though

It still stings

I found an old poetry notebook of mine from my freshman year of high school and earlier. A lot of them are unfinished/short, so I figured it would be easier to just combine them all into one post. Enjoy =]
*

You may be a stranger,
But you have my soul resting in your eyes,
You may be gone,
But you've never left my miserable mind,
You may be over it all,
But I'm still stuck under you

__


Bittersweet poetry,
I just wish it wasn't me.

__


You're going to leave,
Well,
Where does that leave me?
I was happier before,
But,
Now I'm self destructive.
Please, just stay.
Oh,
I forgot about the pain.
I cause misery,
But,
That's why you loved me.

__


Dim lights,
Mismatched syllables,
I can't wait forever,
But still I sit,
Stewing in patience.

__


Those pale eyes once pierced through me
An angels gaze upon hell's horrors
A desperate plea to be divine
You could have anyone you wanted
Why me?

__


Those starless nights,
And cloudless skies,
A sea of darkened eyes,
I love only you,
After all we've been through,
Don't you feel it too?

___


I'm losing all interest,
In seeing the light of another day.
One quick selfish act,
And my pain just slips away.

"The only thing
I remember clearly
Is taking a
Shot
With you
In the kitchen.
Everything after that
Is a total and complete
Blur.."

I mumbled the morning
After
Our night together
Alone
In your basement

Truth be told
I remembered it all then
And still remember it
Now
Years later

I sat on the edge of your bed
Peering into your eyes
As you held your old acoustic
And hummed melodies
To me
In a way you never had
Before

You breezed past all of our
Favorite tunes
Sometimes even daring
To sing a few words
Along the way
"Well maybe I,
Just set aside,
The fact that you were,
Broken hearted..."

And at the time
I thought you were
Amazing
But I think it was just
The *****
Thinking for me
Again

And when I laid down
Because the spins had
Finally
Kicked in
You put your guitar
Down
And asked why I had
Shut my eyes
So early


The night was still
Young
And I was still
Drunk
And the ceiling still
Spun


I tried to stay awake
And talk to you
About whatever you were
Ranting about
You said it was important
But it was so hard to
Focus

My ears eventually
Tuned into your
Signal
And before I realized it
You were approaching me
About things that
I really didn't
Want to talk about

You went on
And on
About "us"
And what we meant to
Each other
And how we were clearly
Still
Attracted to
One another

And maybe even
Still
In love


You spoke so seriously
On our relationship
As a whole
Friends or otherwise

And all that I could do
In my state of
Mind
Was giggle

And before I knew it
Your hands were touching
Parts of me that
I wasn't exactly
Comfortable with

And I wasn't sure if
I was allowed to feel
Violated
Or not

But I started screaming
At the top of my lungs
And I
Rejected you
Over and over again
And you stopped

Thank God
You stopped


The worst part
Was the look on your face
When you realized
We would never really be
Together again

The worst part
Was the way you gazed down
When I realized
I just completely broke you
In half


The worst part
Was the way you stayed
With me
That night even though
I shouted "No!"
Twenty-seven times.

You sat at the edge of the bed
Staring at me
As I pretended to sleep
And ignore
What had just occurred
Minutes before



"When will we ever
Figure this out?"
You finally asked

My eyes snapped open
And I whispered to the
Ocean depths of your
Deep blue walls

"Maybe
Never..."

I see your picture
Pop up on my dash
Oh, I guess we're still friends
At least in Cyberspace
We are…

Anyway, I see your stupid
******* picture
Unkempt beard
Slimy trout in one hand
Beer in the other

And it makes me absolutely sick
Bile swirls around in my stomach
Like blood down the drain
Of those Hitchcock films we'd watch
'Til dawn
At the foot of your bed
Wrapped in a deep sea of sheets

You're wearing that necklace
I bought you in Maui
Little rocks strung together
Black and white
I was half way across the globe
And you were still the only thing
On my ****** up mind

I wonder if you think of me
Every ******* time you take it off
To shower
I wonder if those ****** you ****
Twist the stones around
And inquire their origin


And, most of all,
I wonder what you tell them.



I walk down your street
Because I still have the same friends
As you
And we all grew up together
In this black hole we've been taught to call
Our hometown
We rode the same bus,
Smoked the same pipes,
Blew the same lines,
I guess, in a way, we were family.

Anyway, I walk down your stupid
****** up street
And I saunter past your aluminum framed
*******
That you still bother to call
Your car

And the only thing that runs through my mind
Are all those nights we spent together
In your driveway
Talking about absolutely nothing
Meaningless *******
And at the time, it all seemed so ridiculously
Pointless
But now…

Those memories are what I cherish
More than anything.

Your car is rotting away
No brakes, no engine
The windows don't even shut
And it takes every ounce of willpower
I have left
Not to key the **** out of your Jetta
Inscribe it with your true title
*******

I wonder if you'd know it was me
I wonder what people would ask you


And, most of all,
I wonder what you'd tell them.




I gaze out my window
For the billionth time
Sighing at your silhouette
In my decaying yard

Roses in hand, you patiently wait
For the only girl you've ever broken
To come downstairs
You scream out my name
Throw rocks at my window
Like we're
Sixteen again

I don't recall
How many steps I raced down
I don't recall
If I bothered to lock the door behind me
I don't recall
Much of anything

*******
Is all I can say
*******
Is all I can think
*******
Runs through my blood
My brain
My heart
*******
*******
*******.

And before I know it
My fists are at your throat
My nails are at your skin
My knuckles are at your jaw
I thrash
Eyes shut
Nothing but eternal darkness
And violence

I'm screaming
I can't stop
You're on the ground
Thorns at your side
Tears in your ducts

*******

I kick your skeleton
Smothered in skin

******* for shooting up
******* for destroying me
*******

I study the needle
And the damage done
Your gushing blood
Starlit crimson

For the first time,
I see your wounds

I wonder how it feels
For you to be the victim
I wonder what your ******
Your sister
Your mother
Will say

And, most of all,
I wonder what you'll tell them.

Smears of charcoal under my eyes
The white of my bones shines through my skin
Blood streams through the cracks in the floor
Horror behind me, horror above
Chained to the basement wall, ravenous
Awaiting my abductor, half curious
The door screams and creaks open
My body jumps, a frightened child
***** boots stomp slowly down the stairs
To the rhythm of my petrified heart

DEAD YET?
He bellows

My mousy chest no longer moves
Up and down
There is a sickening silence
Heart attack
Is there existence after this day?
No escape

He trudges closer, squinting at my shell
My once beautiful thin frame
Now resembling a Holocaust victim
Rib cage exposed, eyes locked

He sneers again,
I asked you a question

My voice box is being strangled
By the sadistic frog in my throat
The seconds tick as I find my words
Piece them together in my mind
And try my best to lock away my strength

You may be able..
Kick
To **** my body..
Steel toed boots
To slice me to bits..
Crack
But I promise you..
Another rib
You cannot..
Bleeding
****..
I can ******* decay
*My essence..