when my hands turn to claws
and my eyes burn red
i sometimes cant hold back
the things that i have said

the fear of unrequited love
of losing someone so dear
is always so present
always so near

and im still learning
to push these delusions aside
to just breathe and be with you
and let the seas have
a calmer tide

its these past fer days
i'v been under so much weight
the bad thoughts cant hide
from everything attacking me from the outside

so i attack myself
and i didn't mean for you to feel the shrapnel
for you to see the blood
but i'm drawing a treaty of my sides
the irrational and logical
logic is in charge now
irrationality has surrendered

now we can be happy again
we can be like we were before
you made me fight even harder
fight this war for you

I want to be mean.
To say all the terrible things
My mind keeps developing.
I want to tell all your friends
That you wet the bed one night
And unfortunately me as well.
I want to alert your employer
Of your medical issues that
Could impair your work.
I want to tell you I hope it
Hurts when they take out
Your wisdom teeth.
I want you to be bored out
Of your mind when you’re
On whatever ship they put
You on for months at a time.
I want you drink too much
And puke out your guts,
Kind of like I have this
Month from the stress.
I want to tell you nothing
You write makes any sense
Because you're trying too hard.
I want you to be isolated,
Worn, and miserable.

If these walls would talk,
About a hardened heart,
That pumps boiling blood.
And eyes that wandered.
And a terrible, horrible mind.
They would tell you that a light is hard to find
When you're consumed by emptiness

They've seen me sit in front of the mirror,
At ungodly hours of the night
And cry and scream and pray.

They've seen me try to shake myself from my inward terror.
Try to convince myself that it's not real,
They're not real,
The monsters aren't real.

They've heard me scream
"Get out of my head!"
At the mirror trying to reach what lived inside of me.
They've watched me scratch at my skin,
Trying so hard to get whatever demon that had possessed me out so I could face it.
And tell it to go back to hell.

And if I could talk back to these walls,
Id tell them they are my best friends.
The only ones that have ever seen the dark sides that I have so kept hidden and laughed about.
But they were the only ones that heard me cry and they are the only ones that know what I've done at those ungodly hours.
How I tortured myself,
How I called some stupid help line because I didn't have anyone to call.
I've been so lonely and I can now understand why,
No person will ever be close enough to see what they have seen.