Another Saturday spent wallowing in self-pity or in other words
in an empty house
Viewing independent off-beats I know you wouldn’t recognize
and still
I watch the driveway counting headlights as cars pass
Would you hate me if I said I didn’t want to see any facing me?
I swear if we go bowling one more time I’ll lose my mind
Solitude as my surroundings
I’ll eat prepackedged desserts and drink too many sodas
I doubt you even know that
Chocolate ice cream messes with my stomach
Irrelevant, I’m sure
Why does it matter if I mow the lawn tomorrow instead of right now?
Hanging self imposed deadlines over my head will get you nowhere
But as you know, it’s just another weekend at the Johnson residence.

The second I stopped thinking of you
Was the moment the world took note of me

Put me on your pedestal
my white knight, saving grace
lead with sinful condemnation
cast out with lustful adoration
but at least if I'm objectified
I would be somebody's prize

Love is water
Commonly found
Often filled with saltiness
Essential to life
Those who have it
Never long for it
Those who don’t
Die of thirst
Too much can **** you
You can’t hold on too tight
or it slips from your grasp
And critics say
love is fire

maybe I miss you
but if I'm honest with you
I'm too busy to be lonely

He doesn’t think I’m strong.
I could end it at that. My entire thought process boiled down to five words, but I’ll go on.
I have fears. I’m used to going it alone, and sometimes I back out just before I go too far. In any direction. But that choice is within my control, and I am empowered.
Yes, I am scared, but that doesn’t mean I will stop trying.

evening talk in waves
crashing moods and casualties
side tracked back to me

Margo was a car.
a Tahoe from Texas
and I felt at ease
whether asleep in the backseat
or playing DJ from the front
home was always changing
but I felt comfort in different states
and always alone.

I used to like the fluffy
light
Cloud consistency
Of a single comforter
But now the layers of sheets
Appeal to me
All because
I like to feel the weight

Sometimes when I’m feeling alone
I like to sit in my car with the seatbelt on
Because it makes me feel safe to know there’s something to keep me in place
When there’s no one to wrap their arms around me instead

my love's found in the moment
where there's sunscreen sprayed in the kitchen
sticking to the hard wood
of sprayed fumes in an empty house
where bodies abandoned
in favor of kayak boats
that may or may not float
once, no, twice patched now
confidently ****** from the ramp to the water
at a run down marina
chosen over the serenity
of the murky swamp solitude
but my love doesn't stay put
the creek, she follows
but turns where streams diverge
away love goes on course, off path, of course
love took off from the launch point, left me in her wake

They smell intentionality on my skin
******* it’s way into relevancy

and you breathe deeply
take in the salt water air
fill your lungs until you are
nothing but distant
matter doesn't matter
I find myself a
soulless mollusk
to a homeless pearl

I skim
milk
books
boards on waves
I skin
snakes
organs
knees
on hard floors
I stare
out
blankly
with a straight face
I cry
out
loud
for lost souls

the taxidermy eagle stares me down
as I'm disappearing from the world
concealed beneath the stairs
stiff green upholstery threadbare
I'm more archaic than the air
at a four sided table with five chairs
I hide in a labyrinth's best kept secret
publicly my own
believers find me not

I'm the queen of take out.
Let's take turns using plastic forks to stab at fried rice
that ends up tossed casually into overflowing trash bins,
You know all too well I'll neglect to take them out
I guess it beats the alternative as
eating out is overrated, not like we could decide anyway
we aren't cultured just because you greet me using Spanish
so we leave it be
I'll regret never leaving, and you can hate me for hanging on
but you'll have to face me from across the table as you chew to avoid conversation

I used to be so afraid
Of turning out like her
But I just realized
That they both ended up alone

we take what we deserve
until we can't take it anymore
shockingly, its turned out
my boiling point
is the exact same temperature
as freezing on your thermostat
and according to the laws of thermodynamics,
"I've lost my cool"

Cold is the absence of heat--and you are frost without me

ten shy of the century mark
ninety decades, four generations
four stages away from healthy
where did the first three go?
two months to fade
one moment to take, it takes forever
Hoping for three, God give me *one

The bathroom smells like bleach
It romanced my skin
Now my hands bear memory
Sterilized kisses linger on my fingertips

My mistakes are unintentional
But I then commit
And my recovery is deliberate

He is the light
who loves me through rainbows
and I am the rain

They all found love
Just wait until I find myself

cursing passerby on my journey
the room smelled of smoke
wisps circle tightly quartered soldiers
exhaustion coats the air
My perceptions adjust to the dreary film
observing heavy bodies accompanied with longing
pointed ambition devoid of thoughts
wooden floorboards shift to accomodate the change
I tilt the cube

now I'm tripping over words
I don't remember saying
I'm fighting imaginary enemies
created by someone else
still, I'm running on highways
and its driving me crazy
my shadow no longer lingers
I let my tongue
slip
and now it won't stop

No one has ever made me question what it means to be a friend more than you

How in hell do you get to feel the same love I do
Love is dirt
Stuck on the bottom of my shoes
I’ll kick it at the door

Simple, they like you until they think they know you.

the boy sat in the grass
stars of old talked down to him
whispering into the night
"your existence is necessary"
palms pressing into the earth
he looked back up into the void and pleaded
"but is my purpose futile?"
a polite protest
the stars twinkled in response

To set the stage let’s set the table
Pan in on the family dinner scene
Add elevator music to the backdrop
Still more personal than conversations
Cue the pointed aroma of burned potatoes
And raw steaks that weren’t left out long enough to thaw
Yet somehow still warmer than the glares being cast behind water glasses
Please, join us
We invite you to take a look
At a family so close they don’t need to speak at all
Peer in through the window at the four figures basked in dim evening light
Aren’t they pretty?

best friends or enemies they said
funny how rivalries tend to start
with glances cast out like cavalry
so here we stand
opposite sides of the same army
one can't serve two masters
secret spies and fierce faces
two queens fail at leading a kingdom
fighting for a throne was never my desire
in contrast
I can't raise white flags
when you turn on your people
I'll hold my ground, defend it with my life
I'll build new walls out of stone this time
For what am I
if I let those dear to me cross boundaries

smile, darling
I hear cannons in the not so distant future

To the guy who forgot me and the guy who can’t get seem to forget:

You aren’t relevant just because I write about you

The devil is in the details
(Or at least inside my mind)

You're stuck carving paths in mud
with steps that never stick
no shorts under my dress
and headphones in
never checking for cars
I'll brave it
the only chance I'll take on the world
you can be the belle of the ball when you’re there
but every night walk home alone
with make up half on
and a crestfallen face
trading pointy heels for ****** flats
hoping one day people will love you for your dedication
and not your presence
meet faces you can’t name in an hour
and names you hope you’ll never have to face
because I pretend I’m too classy for barefoot and ******
I’ll go to three debates in a night and debate if it was worth it the
whole time

You waste time soul searching for answers
But mine just craves meaning

floating little bodies of restless energies
sugar bound
half-crazed still beating wings
only visible in vibrations
timid to the world they're caged in
a tiny flutter heart
I find myself wanting

they didn't have a name for me
the moment it seemed
I started to belong
was the same instance
I began to reminisce
and like a jab
nothing has changed
my state remains
undone
everything that once was
suddenly starts to matter
maybe its time to unravel
move slowly and you'll flow right on through

I’m too busy to feel sad
but then the weekend comes
and I’m surrounded by the people
who love me the most
and suddenly I am alone
with my thoughts
which are far too loud

I wish he would hold me
and not just my body
Grounded
I want stability
Not to be felt
But understood entirely

it takes one soda to break out
painful monsters I cover up in the mornings
and one reminder of you to spiral back
into childhood emptiness
bumps under the surface
eighteen years then I was free
two more and you ceased to be

Make your own meaning
Still never really changing
Cliches inspire

he said it was yellow
let me paint my walls
view life
through golden bands
I'll be yellow.