Sometimes I try and remember what it felt like when you left those years ago,
I try to remember the words you said to me before we went our separate ways,
And I try to remember if I slept that night or not,
And I try to remember if my mother noticed the redness and blotching of my skin when I tried to hide what was going on,
I try and remember how long I spent in the shower with my knees tucked to my chest not even caring when the water got cold,
And I try and remember if I could even eat the week after you left that night,
I even try and remember the exact date you left because; I have the date we met etched into my bones,
And I try to remember if I even cried that night or if I was too choked up to even move because you had a way of making my chest concave,
But truth is,
I can only truly remember the pain- staking memories,
Because it seems to me that the little hurts fade faster than the ones that created the scars left on my body,
The scars from every bad fight we've ever had,
And I admit seeing couples kiss still makes me uncomfortable to this day because I can still envision them being us in the back of my mind,
And I try and blame you for ruining some of my favorite songs,
But truth is,
They probably wouldn't have been  my favorites if it weren't for you,
And I admit that even the rain reminds me of you because I can remember the way you smiled when I used to go out dancing in it,
I even remember you in the ways I try and forget you,
And remember you in the ways I still write poems about you,
And I painfully remember you when my friends ask whatever happened to you and I really don't have a straight answer,
Because those are the things that impact me the most,
Those are the things I still find myself tearing up over,
But I guess time heals the pain and fades the memories; slowly one by one,
And only the scent of you now lingers on my T-shirts,
And the chest-clenching pain you had inflicted has faded to these words,
And I guess it's no laughing matter but I do find it funny how time and memory work together to try and erase the things that damage the human body,
And I guess that proves how vital survival is to us,
Even when the clock reads 4:36 AM and we lie there wishing to die.

I'm sure after this, nothing will remain,
Not you or this, not even a stain,
For when my mind runs, you can't stop it,
No matter how fast you run, it will never quit,
So come to terms, knowing that nothing will remain,
That once it starts, all horrors-it claims,
It loves the dark cruel things,
And all the dark things they bring,
Like the image of you with another, any other,
Than me in your arms, as I'm in a storm,
That will never end, as I have no friends,
All dreams dead in this world, that my mind brings me to,
It leaves me small and curled, as this I didn't even choose,
But it happens anyways, and maybe this time it'll stay,
As nothing will remain, as everything from my life it will drain,
As I wake up with nothing, but a constant sting in my heart and a ring in my ears, as my eyes will have even lost all tears...
Will you still want to be around,
When I will have found; everything in my life-burnt to ash,
There is no catch, but no guarantee...
....that you won't get burnt down with me.

Where have you gone away to?
You see, I've looked all the places we used to go together,
I've asked the stars a thousand times,
I checked under my bed where you used to tell me that the monster could never reach me,
I've asked myself in the mirror countless times,
But you see, you've left no clues to where you're hiding away from me,
I could lie to myself a million times,
Tell myself that you're okay and that you're happy without me,
And truth is, I'm sure you are,
But you see, I am not,
Those nights where your absence chokes me up,
Those nights where you used to dry my tears are now flooded,
The pain of loving you has a new partner in crime,
The pain of missing you,
I remember the nights I was clenching my chest,
Gasping for air,
Choking on salty tears with sadness stained cheeks,
Begging you to stay,
But nothing,
Nothing compares to this,
This ache,
You see, your silence is killing me,
My ears are ringing,
My eyes can't seem to focus anymore,
My hands? I can't stop them from trembling,
But nothing brings me closer to you,
And so my question still remains,
Where is it you have gone away to?

You were so unstable,
You thought it was okay to walk in and out of my life whenever you pleased.
It was far from okay.
But I forgave you,
Time and time again,
Always told myself "this is the last time"
But who was I kidding?

You controlled when it was over,
You always did,
And in a sick and twisted way,
I think you always knew that.

I'm angry with you.
But I was raised to forgive and forget.
But you see,
It's easy to forgive,
Anyone can accept hollow apologies.

Forgetting?
Now that's the hard part,
Because forgetting means moving on.
That part,
Well it's almost impossible for most,
Because leaving that one person,
That one memory in the dust,
It holds a piece of you,
And if you can't live without that piece of you,
You're stuck.

I'm stuck.
And I'm angry with you.

I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the times I asked you to stay,
But you'd leave,
Just as the many before you,
And the many to follow,
And I have been told countless times that nothing lasts forever.

I guess that was my first mistake,
Because you weren't nothing to me,
You held so much of me in the palms of your trembling hands.

How I wished for you to be my nothing,
And maybe,
Just maybe,
You would've lasted forever.

And then the words that have been burned into my mind,
Could have a new meaning.
"Nothing lasts forever"

But I still took my chances,
I begged and begged you to stay,
I begged this monster to stay,
Because maybe,
Just maybe,
I'd see you start to care

****, did I love you,
You, and all your insecurities.
Fears.
Lies.
Hatred.

Loving you is twisted,
That, I know.
I threw myself at you.
I didn't realize I was throwing myself away.

"How could you love such a thing?"
"How could you do this to yourself?"
Those are the questions I always seem to ask myself.
I used to be able to answer them,
No spaces between my words.
No hesitation.
But now?
Now there's nothing but an ear piercing silence.
And I've realized that I can't answer.
Because it's not me inside my head anymore.
It's you, and all your insecurities.
Fears.
Lies.
Hatred.

You have crawled under my skin,
Cut and rearranged the wires to my head,
Imbedded yourself in each and every single one of my brain cells,
Taken away morals I used to possess.
It's my fault though,
Isn't it?
That's what you claim.

I should have warned you that getting close to me,
Would damage you beyond repair.
But then again,
I guess we both should've come with warning labels

It's like everyone and everything around you is moving,
blossoming,
becoming something,
And you're here,
watching it all happen,
the only thing telling you you're alive is the rising and sinking of your chest, and you're alive but not living,
and you feel nothing,
numb to the touch,
Numb to the sadness that makes the tears stream down your cheeks,
Numb to the pain that makes you pinch the fat on your body and scream looking in the mirror,
Numb to the anger that makes you rip out your own hair,
It's someone who meant so much to you leaving you to notice all the bare walls and empty spaces and expressions,
Just like the one that's left in your eyes,
It's like laughing at a joke but not really understanding what was funny about it and it just seemed like the thing to do at the time,
It's like every emotion at once yet you're still left with no explanations for anything you've said and done the past month or so,
It's a sinking pain that starts in your chest and sinks so low you think it'll reach your feet,
It's like that part of you that makes you feel anything at all,
Has been surgically removed and you're left with nothing,
Absolutely nothing