Like a slap to the face,
Your name lights up on my screen.
My vision becomes blurred,
And the space around me starts
To lose it's clarity.
My face flushes,
And my mind goes blank.
I just stare at it a few minutes.
It looks foreign.
Maybe I'm just imagining this.

The voices in my head
Begin their chorus
"What does he want?"
"Don't read it!"
"He's thinking about you."
"You're not going to like what this says."
And before I can think rationally,
I watch my hand reach down,
And delicately lift up the phone.

My thumb shakily
Drags the grey arrow
Across the small glass screen.
I heard the click of the lock
Being hesitantly pulled open
And I'm halfway there.

I see the grey bubble
On the left side,
Small, but real.
Time: 7:32.
I double check,
and yes
It's definitely from you.
I take a deep breath
And read.

It's just a question.
A simple question.
You even use my name.
That stings.
I could respond a solemn yes or no,
And remind you that no,
We're not friends.
It still hurts.

I could respond a few words,
A sentence even,
In affirmation, filled with pleasantry,
But then you would really know
That it still hurts,
Because you still know
How to see straight through me.

I'm conflicted,
So I take the neutral path.
Short, but not blunt,
And devoid of all notion of emotion.

But its the next "ding"
On my cracked phone screen
That takes me aback.
Drag, click, read.
A new grey bubble appears,
"But when we were dating..."
And with the push of the small, silver button
Everything went black.

I still do not know
What the rest of the message said.
You can lock your phone
And hide a message,
From you tear-stained face.
But you cannot lock away
Floods of pain and memory.

Emotions are purely and simply:
Complicated.

I've found that they are not there
To make sense,
Nor to explain things.
They're just there.
They exist.
They are wonderful and so
So painful.

How can I hate you
But miss you,
And feel empty
And yet so whole,
And love him
But not want to be with him,
And how I can be so awake
But feel so
So tired
?

Words can be so beautiful,
And so harsh

Just a few simple phrases
Uttered from quiet, pursed lips
Can change a mood, a day
A person.

There is no protection
From words.
They're irreversible.
They scar the soul,
Leaving fadeless bruises.

I'm nervous about nothing,
Is that even possible, or normal?
I'm worried.
And I'm worried that something will make me worry more,
I'm stressed to the test
I feel like I'll shatter,
Like a glass window,
In pieces I'll fall,
Someone out there, hear my plead,
Catch me,
Cause my mind is being murdered by thoughts
Like roaring ocean waves,
Back and forth,
Breaking me like the beach,
I'm being ebbed away by my own inner shore,
So help before I become my very own enemy

i haven't been able to get you off my mind.
not that that's different than any other day,
but i miss you
and i hope you're ok.
sometimes i can feel your pain run through me slightly.
like a wave, sparked by your tears.
and i picture you crying, alone in the world, scared, longing for something for someone,
and that's when i feel it.
i would give anything to make it stop.
to take it away and inflect it on myself.
but then, if we are so connected, and if you do love me as i love you, then you wouldn't be able to escape the pain either.
when you love someone you feel their pain they are going through something you can't save them from
and that kills you inside.
i know there's not much i can do.
and there sure isn't anything i can say.
but, i try to do what you did with me:
hug me and tell me it's all going to be ok.
i didn't believe you. i still don't.
but, your arms around my back felt nice.

I cannot suppress the thought any longer.
That maybe, just maybe,
It is my own fault that
He has changed so.

Long gone is the boy
With the sweet blue eyes
With the sunflower yellow centers

Who would do anything
Anything
To spend a moment staring into mine.

Long gone is the boy
Who could transform from
Fits of anger, questioning
"Why do you let them treat you that way?"

To fits of tears
"The soap here smells like you and I miss you."
In an instant.

His carefully planned words resonating in my mind,
Then and now.

I do not know where this boy has gone.
Perhaps he was lost in the chaos of last July
When the sun had set
And our dismal future was left unsettled.

And he could not use his ever powerful words,
To convince me to stay.

Because all that remains of him
Is smoke and mirrors.
But mostly just smoke.
And a lot of lies.

And now he will do anything
Anything
To avoid my cold grey eyes.

We've both been left fighting for dominance,
Over who has it worse now.
Neither acknowledging the reality
That we have broken each other.