It hollows my chest
It lingers, its essence
How I bleed as I am
Alone in your presence

Silver lining
Antique finding
Intertwined fingers
Browsing eyes

Indoor maze
Shifted gaze
Can't see all
Noticing some

Vintage room
Old spittoon
Strolling past
Items forgotten

Mirror reflects
Dust collects
We evlove
But never change

Small jokes
Past asides
I can't lie
They've crossed my mind

Grains of sand
Aren't singly much
Until accumulation
Amasses such

Do I dare
Let you see
The depth of
My insecurity?

When I hear
What you say
I am numb
Almost dazed

But it's the mass
Of all the grain
When I look back
That brings me pain

I've reheated the same
Cup of coffee five times
This evening

Trying to write something
For myself that accurately
Describes how I experience

Often I am flooded in the ordinary
By the emotion and the density
Of life itself, in all its majesty

And sometimes I am left
Devoid of sentiment
In moments deemed worthy

I get lost in thinking of
The way the future will
Tangle with the present

I find myself stopped in
A memory as well,
A reminder, a fragment of past

The present is a fleeting concept
A paradox, I think
A circle of thought

At what point
Does the future become the present?
And the present become the past?

I wished you could have
Followed me home
Opened the door
Felt my hands roam

I wish you could have
Watched me undress
Felt my eyes linger
Knew my intent

I wish you could have
Been there tonight
Fed my addiction
Grabbed and pulled me in tight

If I may
Be so free
To tell you I
Don't think it's me

I've known you long
Your true heart
Beats off time
To think us part

If it is
Left to grieve
You worry I
Love to leave

I've looked at you and felt
My heart fall apart within my hands
But I've seen your face and knew
My next fifty years of plans

I'm a slave to the words
A marionette in the music
As I'm assuaged I've moved on
Muscle memory's proven

I can pick up the patern
Feel its reverberating sound
Emotions heightnened, rising action
Then I collapse to the ground

I hoped I wouldn't have to
Ever again play my part
But my name's in the playbill
I know the motions by heart

Nodded off and then awakened
Fluttered open bright blue eyes
You woven tight right up against me
Legs, arms, whole bodies intertwined

Absorbing the moment slowly
Heart filled to bursting at my front
I sighed, closed my eyes, and thought
"This is all I'll ever want"

I
Just love
How we fall
In to
And for
Each other
Again and again

As if
Any of those
Times I've had
You before
Would make me less
Want you more

We were too young, before
I'm assured
That we weren't meant for then
But for now, we were fashioned
A love without ration

Your soft kiss on the palm of my hand
Twisting roads and revealing plans
Hold onto me as I will you
I have never seen it quite this true
I'll never cease to marvel at how
We were meant for now

I like to feel the heat
On my bare feet
It's hard to feel so sure
Even at my best,
I must confess,
I get wildly insecure

Prune puree
Applesauce
Toast with jam
Tablecloth

I want us
To age well
Blossoming unity
I truly tell

In our old age
Please always be
My confidant
My busy bee

In summer rain
And morning dew
I reach my hand
And search for you

I hope to always
Find you there
My lifelong wish
My love affair

Los cambios vienen
Demuelen y construyen
Son que la vida consisten

I want you
To grab
Fistfulls
and
Fistfulls
Of me
In your
Strong hands
To
Explore
To
Dive
Deep
Inside
Of
Me
Like a
Mountain Spring
That
Will
Never
Stop
Gushing
An endless
Supply
You and I
Are
The
Same

You make me feel
The love and the lightning
Fire in the sky
Panic and parade

Tin roof lullaby
Rain drip drop
Snare drum roll
One after another

When the thunder cracks
I go and hide
Inside myself
How can I not

I am so small
One single drop
Amongst thunderstorm

Tender is the way I'd describe
The way his hand rested
On his new bride

And something blue and
Something white
And something new and
Something bright

It shone from both of them
When I saw it, I couldn't pretend
I wasn't happy then

Because I was, I could have been there
Being happy collectively
With her newly sworn in family

If I had wanted to be
If it had been right for me
Which it wasn't, by the way

Because happiness came with contemplation
And shame as I saw myself
In my disdain for them all at times
Sometimes unmerited
As they are people too

It shifted as I saw
How they all stood together
That behind all the ways
They drove me mad
I was not meant to be in their place

I didn't at first think of him
What we were, what it was
I only thought of how content
I was for them
And secondly, about how I knew
That him and I were not meant
To be the ones standing there
In the way that I pushed it away
When he talked
So I said maybe
In the future, years from now
I didn't know I didn't want it
But I couldn't say it
Describe the way I maybe could have seen
Being married and secretly unhappy
Splitting up maybe

I'm happy to be gone
I'm happy I've moved on
To someone I could in the future see
Holding on to me quite tenderly

I remember meeting him quite precisely
Your grandfather: Thanksgiving of 2012
He lived alone, in a house he owned
And built, by hand, family dwelled

I heard some stories
War glories
The second one that rocked the world
Gentle and kind, he left behind
His normal life and special girl

As I approached the door, I was met
With the sweetest, loving grin
Glasses donned, he led us on
Into the house to sit with him

Inside he told me of his passed wife
And the room he kept for her
Of her artwork and clothing
Ready, if she could ever return

The night passed by like honey
Nostalgic and syrup-sweet
The kind you remember distinctly five years from then
Ones you wish to repeat

He waved us off in his way
Standing at the door
Feathering his hand back and forth
Until the house could be seen no more

I had seen him twice or so more
Until you and I parted for a time
But I always asked of him as I could
Even though I didn't think I should

I heard he gave you grief
For parting from me
At his 90th birthday party
We had something special, he could see

On Thanksgiving, five years later
You and I reconciled
And he came down for a meal,
And I was met again with his smile

I tried to see him as much
As I could because I knew
Sometimes elderly people get lonely
And I would want visitors too

Then he fell ill from the hospital
And so it commenced
The decline of his health
Months of agonizing suspense

Until this week
I drove three hundred and twenty miles
To see him before he passed
To see one of his last smiles

It happened hours after I arrived
I got to say goodbye
I told him I was there, I made it
I saw him and I cried

He could not do much, but he could hear
He could barely even see
And as I let him know I loved him
His last words were his love for me

You sobbed as he said he loved me
You could see him struggle to speak
You told me to move a bit away
As you whispered your intent of someday marrying me

He passed there with us all
Surrounded by love, covered in prayer
The doctors were amazed by our presence
That so many people were there

A day or two later we wrote of him
How can you paraphrase a full life?
Of his war time stories and his glories
Of his loving kids and wife

In the survived by part is where they wanted
To include me but did not know where
To call me a friend didn't seem fitting
For all of the love and care

So you took the computer and put me in
Where you felt like I needed to a part of
Being married was signified with parenthesis
So you wrote next to you (Someday Careena)

It is not significant by any means
But yesterday I hurt my toe
It bled and is still sore
I almost said on the phone

And I almost disclosed
How my fitbit is precisely
Two days, three hours, and twenty seven minutes off
In time to wake me up at 4:33 am
Wednesday through Sunday
And to turn it off
I must walk
Half asleep, tripping over crumpled clothes
In the dark
And most days I must do it twice
Because it doesn't believe my feigned woken state

I almost said how I think of you
And miss being able to spend all day
Inseparable and evergreen
Sometimes I ache to think of how far
I put myself away from you
Constantly
But when I mention the aching
I am met with an "It's okay"
But it feels the opposite way

And just yesterday, as I gave it more thought
To something I forgot,
Something I had been scared to ever feel
Palpable and real
With a wide open heart, I concurred
That I could be happy anywhere in the world
If you and I were together
I forgot how I used to be
How the sheer thought of needing someone else
Has terrified me

I don't feel as alone
I almost said on the phone
I don't feel as without
I am enjoying the time by myself

These things are by no means
Things you absolutely had to know
But things I had hoped to share
I know you are busy
I know you care
But I wanted you to know
I had more to say on the phone

I wish I could tell you of every
Passing thought I forgot
To write down
The ones that escape like Bobby pins
On a slick bathroom sink
Oh I wish you could know the same
Every phrase
All those days
That compiled together
Formed the rubber band ball at my center
Able to be stretched three hundred and forty seven miles
And still not snap
I wish you knew
All I thought of you

I said I hadn't seen
The same love since
It promptly folded its newpaper
Picked up its hat
And departed
Path uncharted
Unsure of return or existence

I found him again
As he quietly unfolded the Sunday paper
Sipped his watered down diner coffee
Silently entered into the chambers of my heart
Same place and manner as the start

Love, to me, is an elderly man
Worn and tried
Tender and wise
With companionship
And twinkling eyes

And I know him again
How I thought myself deranged
For loving you all these years
In my heart, nothing changed

I tried to take notes before you left
Mentally scribbling down asides
The toughness of your hands
Compared to the soft skin of mine

Blocking out the sunlight
Pulling covers over your head
Pretending that it's night
Is what it's like when we're in bed

Letting me out of the car under-roof
Needing not to brace the rain
You are a different man now
Warm-hearted, patient, unfeigned

We have the same soreness like picture day
From smiling with our teeth for so long
We almost forget what it's like to frown
Until it has passed and you're gone

It drizzled as you looked at me
Got in your car and said goodbye
This is not our first parting
But it is like that every time

Hair pony-tailed, tight up against my head
Almost as snug as us, supine in my bed
I am long past drifted
Dreams in and out sifted
Covers covered, pretenses shed

A chill brushed over me, sleepily
Eyes flutter open and admiringly
I gaze at you curled up next to me
Heart filled so full, busting at its seam
You are peacefully breathing, this is no dream

Blankets shuffled to your side
Undesiring to wake you, I quietly confide
"Baby, I'm a little bit cold"
Your eyes pop right open and you promptly fold
Me up in the blankets, you hold me so tight
I wish this is how I could spend every night

Criss-crossed scribbled heart
Dwelling on the dark parts
The ones I tried to hide hard
But once you turned into my sight
I was left unable to write right
A love, brand new bright light

Until I slept next to you, I never knew
How soundly I would rest
With your goodnight on my lips
And my head upon your chest

The first time tripped
My heart up on the carpet
Crumpled beneath the front door to the sin
It wouldn't close because it was caught in
Between what I had believed
My whole life to be what
I wanted vs. what he wanted
To wait, which meant being waited on
Or to give in and be given
I said "okay" but wasn't sure
Uncomfortable expression, no longer pure
I cried at dinner in candlelight,
Bled for days,
Disenchanted, disengaged.
I confided the experience in a friend,
Surprised I ever did it again.

He had good qualities, but partially,
He was a jar with the lid on crooked
I was an indecisive and shaken up woman.
Never let myself approach the point of totally trusting
I controlled, but as did he, he tried his hardest
Made me think I would be bored elsewhere or that
Another man would never measure up
Next to the nature or intrigue of
What he did to me, I didn't refuse
But found myself hating him secretly.
I wanted it, but in a different way
Lusting wears off as rose colored lenses fracture
Never allowing myself to call him my master
With indentations on my wrists,
I removed lust's blindfold, and
Walked away from him, eighteen years old

The second time was my first,
With you, something new.
But when you've done it before
Doing it once more
Doesn't seem to be
A matter of eternal life or death
Simply a matter
Of consent.
And I wanted you, I wanted it to be
Very organic, very pure, true, with you
As the vision I had for a partner, all that time
Even with him, even though you weren't mine

So when the moment came, I couldn't think
Of a reason not to go back to your dad's house
And kiss you until my lips hurt,
******* until I had couch burn,
You holding me tightly afterward.
The intrinsic beauty in the loving look settled over your eyes
When you assured me you wanted me to feel just right.
The way we talked after, the smiles and laughter
A first time of security, not emotional disaster.
As if it were the question and you the answer.
As if that one time could replace all the moments
That it wasn't you, that we were apart
Thinking of you with occupied arms an open heart

I have only felt this way
Once before now
And it was you then too

I think I first liked you
Because you were shy
The type of guy who liked to hide
I liked the way your hair curled
How you saw the world
The way you described
Wanting to walk into your kitchen
Far in the future to see me sitting
At the table drinking my morning coffee
The way you said your life
Wouldn't really seem complete
Without this pure dream of you and me

The insecurities that I have felt
Are internal, nothing to do
With something you said or did
Recently, it's just me
I am scared
To depend on you
To need you
I have trust in you
Exponentially more than I used to
It's just taking time,
These things don't happen overnight
Or in a short period of time
Please be patient and stand by me
As much as I'd like my fear
To dissipate instantly
I'm finding comfort in your reassurance
Your loving friendship welcoming me
I do need it, it warms my heart entirely
I just don't like to feel too needy
Like it takes too much work to love me
I find joy in giving you all I have
It's just the receiving part that is troubling
I just ask you hold my hand and understand

Stumbling around Ikea together
For fun on a rainy day, road trip
Admiring things yet to have
Can openers and dish racks
Aisles and aisles of flatware
Fitz and the Tantrums emerges from the ceiling speakers
One of my favorites
I start to sing quietly to myself
As we careen around the displays
I catch you humming to the tune as well
And something just rung in my heart
As the radio intoned
"You were just the right kind,
*Yeah, you are more than just a dream"

Did I ever disclose
The exact moment I really found myself
Thinking about you seriously
In the way that the guarded part
Of my heart wouldn't allow me to?

I sat in a crowded room in a new hotel
Quick glances at social media before
The conference started, before the hush
When I scrolled past your face on the screen
Well, more specifically, the top of your head
Looking down, focused intently
On fixing a multi thousand dollar projector
Eager to take on new tasks, very handy, ready to help
And forgetting to sensor my own thoughts
I envisioned you fixing a broken hot water heater
In a starter home for us two
Laughing as you mended trivial things that I broke
Due to my knack for unintentionally destroying
Whatever comes in contact with my hands
But I saw you there with me, in the not-so-distant future
I saw us together, happy, very much in love,
And I thought "Wow, I could marry that man,  I want to"

Then I caught myself
My guarded heart kicked my wandering mind
In the seat of its pants as I teared up and reminded myself
Not to get too attached, not to be too trusting
Not to dream of it, for it won't happen anyway
The part of me that has learned that it is better
To be closed and prudent
Rather than to open my heart up
With the possibility of it shattering

But as I've spent more time with you
Seen your exposed heart and held your hand
Shared mine, showed mine, let you hold mine
I've realized that if I don't open up to the chance
Of having you hurt me
I would never get to experience the sweetness
Of truly loving you with my whole heart

*Perhaps you have been fixing the thing
That needed fixed most of all

When I reach out to you
And try to talk
And receive nothing in return
I fall back into feeling
Like I'm fourteen
And you are torturing me
With your silence
You taunt your affection
In front of my watering eyes
Place your lips centimeters
Away from my wanting mouth
Before turning away
And not speaking to me for years
I have to restrict myself
From giving you too much of my heart
So when you leave, I have something left
I ache when you walk away
Even if you plan to stay
I can't help thinking you'll leave some day

"I don't like it when you're not around"
The tears welled up and his eyes fell to the ground
It's only temporary, but it stings still
Two years yet, the time alone gives me chills
But as time does, it quickly passes
And as I learn and grow in classes
You will live out your uniquely you dreams
We fall into place, as it so seems
In the end, I hope it's your arms I fit into, and you, mine*
And our love, like I always felt, would be suspended in time

Boy's got a lot of soul
Classic and breathtakingly old
Makes you tap your toe
Big band swing
With a jazzy glow

And when you tell me that you love me
There is a vulnerability in your voice
An exentuation of the syllables
A focused look in your eyes
Because of the realness and density
Weighing down on that single phrase
As if you were trying wholly
To convince me that you loved me then
But nothing compared to right now
And nothing compared to tomorrow

When you tell me that you love me*
I know that you mean it
I couldn't quite ever before

I have always wanted to
Tie a bow around the world
And present it to you as whole
But the hows and why's don't add up
Life is simultaneously illogical and cruel
And intricately absolute in its ways
Though it kills you as you live
With sprinkles of magic in the madness

I would love to give you everything
You've ever needed but didn't get
If only I knew how to retrieve time
If only it were my place to do so

Out of all the people
I could have met
Throughout my life
In space and time
I met you and felt
Something new
That no one could recreate
Not with time or practice
You can't learn passion
And in no particular fashion
You appeared just like magic
And made me remember
The way I felt before
Like I had never been gone
Like I had never had him
Like time had not passed
I didn't know it would last
But it has

It was the moment you sung along
Danced like you were alive
You were your true self
And I felt as if my heart were to burst
It felt so full
Just looking at you
Knowing that things work out for a reason
And being sure that I would
Go through all of this agony again
To experience how I felt tonight
Watching you and being by your side

What have you done to me
What type of spell have you cast
To make me feel profoundly
To make my love for you last

What do you like about me?
Other than the fact that I care
You could just like me
Because I care about you
And not because I would like to think
That I am funny
Are you ashamed to be around me still?
Am I still too much to handle
Maybe I'm just too much of a woman
To fit into your hands
I'm not going to diminish my shine
Just because you cannot handle the brightness

How do you know
That you could see yourself
Being my husband
Why do you see me
As someone you would want
To wake up to in the morning
Every one for the rest of your life?
Is it because I care about you
I don't mean to sound selfish
But why do you care about me?
What is it other than my love
For you that makes you want me?
Other than my body
Other than sexuality
What parts of my soul do you treasure
More than our history, more than just time
What makes you sit back in amazement
And think "I am in awe that she's mine"?

You confuse me
And I don't know
How I feel so flip flopped
So incomplete sometimes
When we talk
And at other times
My heart feels so full
I can hardly breathe
I don't know why
You do these things to me

Part of the time you are
Someone else, different
You're maturate and motivated
Driven and strong
A man and I love it
Funny and focused
Intelligent and responsible
Put you in a suit
And I would gladly
Remove all my clothes
Right there on the spot
I adore every part

However the other portion of the time
You're downright childish
And I don't know how to deal
You ask me questions
As if I never want to see you again
Even though we say openly
That we love each other
Do you really think
That if I said that I loved you
That I wouldn't want to see you
And it would be easier for me
To not see you for two years
Until I graduate and move
Do you really think
That I don't miss you at all
I don't miss this part
The insecure part
Hiding behind humor
You get lost in the joke
And forget that I can see
Right through your masquerade
Always have, always will
And I'm wondering
If you never got to be a kid
And this is you
Living in our memory
Of when we were younger
I just want to feel like you've matured
For the most part
We can still be silly
Whenever we want to
But not in the way you have been

Lately conversations seem forced
Not forced, but strained
Like I don't know what to say
We've only been together a week
It shouldn't be this way
Maybe it's just our history
Getting in the way

We aren't really kids anymore
Yet I still care for you as a child does
With a trusting nature and a wonder
But I want you like a woman does
In all of those ways
In every aspect of the phrase

Oh how I wish, quite dreamily
I could feel you breathing beside me
To fall asleep and under your charms
Your strong hands and arms
Wrapped around my waiting waist
Right now, there is no other place
That I would want to be
Than having you next to me
Pulling me closer till we collide
Very quietly in the night time
Sheets entangling us together
I could stay there forever
Then we wouldn't have to leave
This pure dream of you and me

I'm mesmerized by you in the front seat of your car
And also the passenger side
Your fingers tapping on the steering wheel
Loving you in the left lane
But also in the right
At noon and midnight
In the quiet of a glance
Or in a crowded room
I can't comprehend your trance
I'm just worried it's too soon

This whole time
I've been afraid
Of tripping and falling
Down further
For you
Breaking every single bone
On my descent