i’m entirely out of breathing room
i even miss your suffocation
beads of sweat are worth the wait
your warmth and inclination
to breathe a breeze on my neck
your memory record-scratches here
months and lives have passed
i’m still living in last year.

at midnight
my hair had been a tangled mess
pulled back in a bun

at one a.m.
it had been a wave atop my head
greasy but beautifully dramatic

at two a.m.
it had been a nuisance, oil at the roots
but i said i looked too pretty to take a shower
(that’s such a funny and sad reason)

at three a.m.
i got the idea to cut it
i said, “i need a change, talk me out of it”
and you tried; thank you for that
but even so

at four a.m.
i cut my hair

and i didn’t feel any different.

i think about him when i hear a love song
and it makes me smile
but then i think of you, too.
and i lose my breath at the thought.
i would love to settle for him,
but i know that song would come on,
and i would slither away from him
inch by inch
until i found my place beside you.

see, for you
i would change anything about me
but for him?
for him, i would never have to.

its a lifelong feeling of
thinking i woke up in the wrong bed
i don’t know how i got here
it’s soft and i’m so tired
and maybe i’ll just rest for a while
even though i know i don’t belong

i wrote a story about my life
popping like a balloon
and she didn’t want it;
i guess we all get stuck with things.

i said i am really sorry
and what i meant was
i love you more than my heart can handle
it had been all about me
and then you took the stand
and losing my breath never felt so romantic
do you know? do you know?
i can’t apologize for the way my attention
is always and only on you
you know you know
every day i thank the lord that you exist
i’m sure you hear the prayers
i can’t describe it
you are so much
you are everything
thank you for crying
and thank you for being mine
but in some secret kind of way
you’ll never know how much you mean to me
just know that you are the least replaceable person that i have ever met
and every time i say goodnight
i’m really begging you
to stay.

some nights you feel as if you have to be gentle with the air
if you **** at it too hard it will burst
like when you touch something
you aren’t actually touching it
and when you’re alone you’ve got someone right over your shoulder

ever notice how there are too many cars in the parking lot to be probable?
what are all of these empty machines doing just sitting here?

sometimes i switch faces
i always recognize the one i see but i don’t think it’s the one i’ve always had

i better turn the car on before something quiet gets me