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2.9k · Dec 2012
Roadtrip
Kaitie Dec 2012
On a long car ride home,
I'll lean into my backpack and jacket and nap...
but before i fall asleep,
i look out the back window, up into the cold dead sky
and watch as the clouds move above me.

I'll wake up an awkward 20 minutes later with a kink in my neck
and some lines from seams in my cheek.

The radio plays oldies
that the driver knows all the words to,
and i've heard too many times.
I imagine the same song
being played off the same record
over
and over
every time it was heard
and think about use and age and wear and tear
then rips in reality
then movies and the matrix
and the force
and all the forces that weigh us down...
like gravity
responsibility or obligation.

I wouldn't be in this car if it wasn't for force.
I wouldn't be in many situations if it wasn't for force.

I imagine how different i would be
or how different everyone would be
if it wasn't for the push of civilization
or money and being proper.

My face like a thunderstorm.
1.8k · Jan 2013
Lunch
Kaitie Jan 2013
Below my sleeping taste buds
a low gurgle is heard
(through my veins or skin?)
and the groggy bits of tongue
entice my need to feed
    --Something sweet, salty
        spicy and satisfying...

So wander, i did to the kitchen
so medium with cupboards filled
with boxes and bottles
cans and stretched stomachs
(too, so medium).
I reach for bread, a toaster
then milk and a mug.
I toast and zap,
then spread and rip
then pour, and oh! what more?

Aromas lifting my nose higher
than my need to feed.
A ding for warm milk,
and a splash from a spoon

Some spice? Squirt some Sriracha.
Salty? Add seasoning of garlic and pepper
The PB&J; classic: now advanced!
Warmed milk turned Cocoa
more splashing, then stirring, i made
L   U   N   C   H

Funny, as i bite into the
sweet, salty, spicy and savory sandwich
I look onto the spilled milk and Cocoa powder
and am reminded of the cosmos.
1.3k · Nov 2012
Large Laughing Lady
Kaitie Nov 2012
The lady's large legs
shuddered, spreading
-becoming broader-
as tears treaded
descending down
corpulent cheeks and chins
(like a rill running from
narrow eyes undulating upward)

She laughed... Oh joy!
this wonderful woman
seated shaking on her small stool
hardly holding in
chortles of cheer
palms on her plump potbelly
erupting with euphoria
as her heavy heart hurt heaving
boiling blood battling
plaque packed into
every artery to
locate luscious lips that laughed loving life.
As performed in Louder Than a Bomb 2012
1.2k · Dec 2012
Wine will whisk you wayward
Kaitie Dec 2012
This glass with a stem, filled with brassy liquid, sloshing
It's sweating and dripping down the stem
I imagine a summer day--opposed to a late fall evening
Where this sweating would be more appropriate.

I lift the glass after wiping away the condensation
and tip it elegantly to my lips.
I imagine the glass slipping from my hands and shattering on the floor...
I cringe.

The wine is sweet and feels like a headache,
It warms my throat and stomach.
I look at it in the light and drink again, finishing it.

I will drink five more glasses then run home downhill.
I will wake with aches and bruises and a ****** lip.
I will cry for the mistakes i have made,
although i had a blast making them.

But right now i am enjoying the second glass, and the shape of it.
I can feel a pimple on my chin, and then i can feel the warmth and rush of DRUNK

I stand up after glass 3 and fall into the bathroom door.
I crash on the toilet and laugh at the cold porcelain.
I fall after glass 4 and knock over a chair.
I pick it up quickly and ask for glass number 5.

I don't remember drink number 6,
but the pains in my body say it was not worth remembering.
Kaitie Apr 2013
I sang to you a tune i didn't remember
and you recognized the melody immediately,
we talked about gore and cannibalism
as though eating each other is like eating apples.
red skin paled by winter
glows warm under incandescent bedside-light.
the first time i saw under your shirt,
i closed my eyes for a moment
just to wonder a second longer.
i felt your smooth cheek brush my thigh,
and later we spoke about cats
as though we didn't just pet each others'.
1.1k · Apr 2013
Juice stain, berry blue.
Kaitie Apr 2013
The red and blue berry's juice
stained her fingers and palms
with a purple mix and dripping lips
a sweet suckling on strawberry delight
as i crave fondly the lips that bite.

Again the tease so tediously forgotten,
not issued purposefully,
I ask a question out of turn,
then you face the window,
hand on elbow and hand on berry
berry to lip, rubbing stain
dripping stain down cheek then collarbone.
The sun seeps in to the tiled room,
orange with early-night sun-dropping light.

Fruit sweet on ******* perked
sticky juices staining brazier
shirt: black, no stain visible
yet holding stains in her memory.
summer nights where black was popular,
and so was kissing in the playground tubes.
After dark, when the sky turned deep blue,
she ran to find friends,
and found trouble instead.

Under a river's bridge,
with mud soaking flip flops and toes then ankles,
pushed against a rock and wall,
hip thrusting toward a desire for the action, but not the person
with lips stuck to hers in his own fit of lust,
denim cutting back pulses and immediate desires.
Trapped under the doomed wall of blue.

*** stains like blueberry stains
soak into denim or shirts
and will not be removed by detergent
or brain-washing.
966 · Dec 2012
Dog's Poem
Kaitie Dec 2012
Woof woof, arf.
Food, woof arf arf.
Wuff wooooo wooo

Arf arf,
Outside! Walk!? WRUF
Woof woof arf aaawooo

Woof arf--
Cuddles arf arf...
Arf woof aroof!

Let's go! Woof!
Ruffly translated.
834 · Nov 2012
Sunlight-esque beauty
Kaitie Nov 2012
I sat waiting on a drink to be brought to me
when you entered the room,
hair billowing in gold and bronze streaks
across narrow shoulders hidden under a sweater,
your scarf releasing as you unwrap it from your thin, pale neck...

You lay your elbows casually on the counter as you order,
then spin 180 degrees after paying from a small brown purse
no bigger than just to fit your phone, money and some drugs for later.

I admire the way your lips part, smiling at a child asking his mom for a cookie,
and i wonder what you may have looked like as a child...
I find your fingers, thin and pale, clutched around the ends of your scarf... playing with the fringe...

a waitress interrupts my view and i give a hurried and annoyed "thank you"
as she sets down a large mug beside me.
You receive your own drink--to go.

Please do not turn around too quickly..
Linger at the counter to add sugar or caramel...
Please come and sit by me, and we could talk about that book you just finished
or a concert you saw last week
or a cloud that oddly looked like Mister Rodgers.

But you do leave, wrapping your scarf around your neck
hiding your little white neck
and your long bone-like fingers brush your hair away from the knot,
then exit, scooting out of the way for the next customer.

I watch you walk past the window i sit behind,
kicking myself for being glued down by your beauty--like sunlight.
822 · Dec 2012
Bright Red
Kaitie Dec 2012
From the beginning,
You were a toy in a store window,
And I could just barely peek over the ledge
To gaze upon your bright red beauty.

From across the room,
A wink drew me nearer.
Your hair cascade like ribbons off a present,
I’ll push aside drunken fools to find my way towards you,
Your feather eyelashes flutter and blush.
Don’t fly away because your eyes will land on me once more.

Closer,
I can feel your strong arms go limp from intoxication,
Your mouth mumbles and slurrs words you might not mean.
They flatter me all the same.

You are no longer the toy in the store window,
Bright red and exciting
I’ve grown taller since I first saw you,
And now I can reach over the counter
And grab you,
but still I am a child,
With no allowance money to buy you.
I’ll cry to my mother “why?”

Months later,
we still talk about that night,
when we complemented each other,
though we couldn’t see the other’s chest or heart
through the fog of brandy or *****.
We still drink to bring back those memories
Of the heart pounding knowledge of future intentions.

Your arms are strong when sober,
Soft skin holds in muscles that burn
You’ll tell me you’re melting anyway
I’ll insist it’s just the Drugs

You have never intended to be with anyone,
“Don’t want to get tied down,” you said,
“I just want to be free,” you say.
“But you are with me, my lovely,” I said
“I’ll always let you be,” I say.


As the toy, you may be a car,
Rolling down a hill towards the street.
Red and fast, not caring where you’re off to
I’ll buy you after breaking my piggy.
Kaitie Feb 2014
I feel you slipping away
like your gaze cannot hold on much more,
but i feel you looking at me when i look away.
since that one night
where my trust was crushed
and you didn't even want to tell me
We have this unspoken border between us.

I fall asleep next to you each night,
But the amount we touch is not enough
I want to explore your dreams
and look into your thoughts
So i can know why we are behaving this way.

I want you to be mine, alone.
And i will be yours, strictly.

*** is not supposed to be just the pumping of hips and thighs,
It seems like it has simply become a thing.. we do...
Nothing passionate
Nothing romantic.
It feels good during
But not afterward.
You don't need to see me cry,
I would hide it from you anyway.

Just know that i still love you
And i hate myself for it

I realized just now that when
you bring him coffee in the morning,
and he says thank you,
but falls asleep again without a sip,
that when efforts fail,
and thoughts were wrong,
it's time to find if what he needs is me.

I once told him that i kept a blog.
He looked at it once when i was with him,
but it's clear he hasn't looked at it since.
If he knew the secrets i told my followers,
maybe he would keep up, too.
He became nocturnal while i kept a normal routine.
I tried sleeping earlier so i could wake with him.
I wanted to form myself to his schedule,
So i could see him once in a while.
But when he spoke, it was entirely of his day
and not ever asking about mine.
In the times i can find a space to tell him
he shushed me, and the silence continued.
He did not want to me wake up to be with him.
He would rather i stayed over there, and
not intruding his alone time.

So i went to bed at 8 in the evening
So i would get a nap in before he came home.
I ended up sleeping until 6:30 am
and he had not woken me up when he got home,
He woke me up when he finally went to bed.
So now i've been awake for seven hours,
and he is still sleeping.

I want to touch him, and feel him.
I want him to tell me how he feels.
I need him to show what i mean to him.
Instead of wondering aimlessly, crying.
744 · Dec 2012
Woman
Kaitie Dec 2012
I knew a woman
who wore her hair in a high pony tail,
yeah--a high pony tail
and i would yank it
until she begged me to stop
I would yank her ponytail
until she told me to stop
I wanted to see what her pony would put up with

She wore her lips in a pout
yeah--a sad little
yeah--an angry little pout
I would kiss it until she kissed me back
I'd kiss her pout until she kissed me back
That woman pouted so naturally

That woman was an epidamy alright!

She wore her clothes modestly
No clevage or *** in sight,
and that kept her looking modest
it kept me wanting more
so when she walked away from me
i didn't have the courage to call for her back.
No--i didn't have the courage to ask for her back

She was the kind of woman that you let walk away from you
when she needed to
because she knew what was good for her
even if it wasn't you

So don't call her back,
she'll just ignore you
and keep on walking away
keep walking away to something better
Even if it isn't you
Lyrics... i wish i could sing them for you.
620 · Jan 2013
Agony
Kaitie Jan 2013
Oh why,
would they
do that?

Why
would they tempt me like this?

Why did they cut the pickle in half when i have no one to share it with?
I will eat one half today
and save the rest for tomorrow i guess.
593 · Dec 2012
City Train(,) Stop (HERE!)
Kaitie Dec 2012
Here,
there is a constant
Humming, a Buzzing(!), a
thump-thump-Thumping
of busy bees and machines
Buzzing, no
Bouncing to the
again(!) mechanical beat
of the electricity Running, no(!)
Flowing as
I.
Sit.
Here..Still.
Not quite moving
to the flow of electricity, no(!)
Beating Heart(!!!)
of the
city train stophasnostopping
as its people walk, no
Glide(!) through the crowded
Wide(!) open space,
neverstopping
neverhaulting
except to order a
five dollar cup of coffee
so they can continue running
to somewhere more important
than
here.
590 · Jan 2013
31-1
Kaitie Jan 2013
The night was cold, icy, snowy..
I changed clothes at least 4 times
Not because i didn't like my outfit
But rather i had many outfits that i liked.

I ate a green brownie around 7pm
and could feel it until 7am
it was fudgy and crummy,
and gave me a buzz like a beehive.

The volume may have been loud,
but my ears felt swollen and fuzzy
we counted to midnight,
but my kiss was on the other side of the room.

In the very early morning of a new year
i felt dizzy and confused.
Playing a simple game with friends was increasingly difficult
especially as my mind wandered to more ***** ...

This year should be different
but not only because the calendar says so.
589 · Jun 2013
Untitled
Kaitie Jun 2013
Such contrast
with time,
awakens emotion
far above what
feels familiar.

Black coffee,
thin and weak.
We talk above the rising steam
about fires within.

Up those wooden steps
past the two Skeletons hanging by the two windows
and through the door that can be nudged open by the breeze,
Dog wiggles brightly
for my arrival.
If a new friend comes in too,
her boundaries are pushed and
out-she-pushed a snarl
fierce--too fierce--for a small pup.

Outside the shade will cool
but the Sun is what we need...
551 · Dec 2012
Beautiful Sleeper
Kaitie Dec 2012
The thin cotton surrounds
your shivering body, falling
limply a little too high as you sleep.
Skin exposed:
soft as the hair above your neck, draping
over the quilt you lay
on top of.

I watch as a small twitch shocks
your fingers then moves
to your toes and nose, and disturbs
the gentle silence.

I crawl next to you, trying
not to wake
my beautiful sleeper,
because your dreams
are far too precious for them to end now.
From November 2011, i believe.
549 · Dec 2012
Rain in December
Kaitie Dec 2012
La-z-boy,
black, leans back.
Sky so high,
is gray
and cries.

Grass below,
hibernates wet
still green.
Ducks eat up
then meet in between
the emotional sky
and the emotionless grass.
509 · Dec 2012
Dream 2:
Kaitie Dec 2012
I dreamt of a movie, where i was a supporting role
my brother was there
and i had to drive a bus.
I passed many cops that saw nothing wrong in a tiny girl driving a bus
with no seat belt on.

I was at a shop and spent every last dollar i had on ice cream
the number was built with 1's and 6's after i slid a card through a slot
my brother, too bought this ice cream
but his number was composed of all numbers.

the ice cream was a special blend of chocolate
and it was in a cone
i remember a mob chasing me before i woke up,
my hand wrapped around an imaginary cone
and i licked the air furiously
506 · Nov 2012
Dream:
Kaitie Nov 2012
I had a dream where i was laying next to you,
your eyes were closed but you weren't sleeping.
I don't know how i knew that, because my eyes were closed too
--or it was pitch black--
and my hand was on your chest
and i could feel your heart beat
and there was no sound beside
     your wondrous breathing
           and the lub-dub of blood streaming.
everything was peaceful....


Then i woke up, and my hand was just resting on a pillow
and there were many sounds
a cement truck, a garbage truck,
someone coughing then spitting
a car horn.
My heart was pumping slow and i felt like a rock
at the bottom of the ocean

and i waited for you to come home.
496 · Dec 2012
Untitled
Kaitie Dec 2012
If I stare long enough into the plaster,
the smudges of dirt-stained punches and food splatter
They begin to move inward--spiraling
Faster the more blankly I stare.

The walls waver, and I'm convinced they will fall.
The carpet waves and melts together
The floor is made of lava and I cannot stand.
I laugh at nothing funny.

I feel my hands and look at the two handfuls of fingers I have.
I wiggle my toes and dicsect my shoe to extract a foot
Inspecting, the foot feels detached and big--i hug it.

My legs and arms are heavy,
My eyes fall to the floor, rolling
And my pants are too tight
Then suddenly,
I feel free
Until a voice echoes at me:
"Come back and put some pants on!"
487 · May 2014
It's been a while
Kaitie May 2014
and i can feel the emptiness settle in again
the walls of my chest aching, struggling
with my lurching breath
holding on to "i miss you...
..i miss you like i dream about you
like i actually feel you in my mind pulling
when i see a girl with freckles i think of you
because they always intimidated me because
i knew they were your favorite.. those girls with freckles.
i don't have freckles to the extent you like
but it wasn't about that.

I'm struggling still with these feelings that were too much
with these aches you didn't want to soothe
these thoughts you didn't want to listen to
and i've been holding back tears for weeks
and i can't let go of them
because i've already told everyone that i'm over you

I'm not really. I loved you, i still do.
i hadn't cried since i moved away from you.
i wish i hadn't tried so hard for it to work
because then maybe it would have
475 · Feb 2014
Frame my body
Kaitie Feb 2014
Oh please
see me as the green grass against a setting sun
view me as the arching bridge, strong and old.
Look at my skin and see the yellow sands from when you first saw ocean
view me as the rough patch in the trees.

Adore me, feel me.
Observe me like a photographer
seeing every angle
and capture me.

I am posing for you to aim the camera
and open the shutter.

I can be gone in a minute
so take a picture so i can last forever.
I feel so beautiful, but no one wants to capture it.
473 · Dec 2012
PB
Kaitie Dec 2012
PB
I was all "Hey dog, you like peanut butter?"
and she looked at me, with alert ears.

I was all "Hey dog, this jar is pretty much emp---"
and then i didn't have a jar or my hands anymore.
460 · Aug 2013
Real, true love
Kaitie Aug 2013
Since we began this
obsessive closeness
that binds with our hands and lips
i began to feel more real.

The world beyond the screen i put around myself
seemed grey and vast.

Now we are both watching the world from behind this screen,
and it looks more like a colored painting
filled with opportunity and the color yellow.

With us together, the smoke we inhale like air
swirls around the air above our heads
then dissipates like memories of
past lovers.

Since we began this love,
no one else's love could match or exceed ours.
It's amazing, honey.
435 · Feb 2013
Crick
Kaitie Feb 2013
I cried so hard with you before i fell asleep,
and when we finally did stop crying
I laid my head on your chest and tried to sleep
but then i kept crying and tried to hold it in.
When i woke  up the next morning
i was on the other side of the bed,
i had a crick in my neck and you were over there on your back.
I cuddled with you again even though it hurt.
I just want to love you without pain.
434 · Dec 2012
Insides
Kaitie Dec 2012
Did you know about the insides?
The parts of them they keep secret?
They'll never talk about it, and you'll never hear about it.
In where there are hopes and dreams
frustrations, tears and scars,
warm memories and fears.

Within the outline of skin,
There are secrets held within.
412 · Feb 2014
I miss us
Kaitie Feb 2014
I used to have fun
with someone cute
and we would go
to new places in
the sunshine and
ride with the top
off the del sol then
drive too fast and
get high together
Everyday.

But now i go
to work and you
go to work and
we never really
see each other
unless it's dark
or if it's the wrong
time or we might
(once in a while)
enjoy each others'
company for a brief
time, otherwise we
****.
I was in love so deep i knew what they all meant when they said "love hurts" but it has crumbled and so have i.
411 · Feb 2013
Haiku--Depression
Kaitie Feb 2013
Overwhelming sad
Cannot bear to eat or sleep
Useless to go on
396 · Dec 2012
I want to write a book.
Kaitie Dec 2012
I want my book to be long like a novel,
I want it to have paragraphs and characters the reader can relate to.
I want it to have a hard cover with a picture of me on the back, and a big title on the front.
I want it to have enough pages so you can thumb through them and make a breeze.

I want people to read my book and see themselves in it.
I want my friends to read my book and see that the characters are them.
I want to write a book that has chapters filled with truth.

I want to write a book about my life.
But i'll sit down and start with a sentence, or a paragraph....

then i'll erase it and give up because no matter how hard i try,
the story that i want to tell is just too much for everyone else to hear.
But seriously, i want to write a book.
350 · Feb 2014
Untitled
Kaitie Feb 2014
I hate myself
but i love you so ******* ******* much...
...That i don't even care if you don't love me back.
335 · Dec 2012
Bedtime
Kaitie Dec 2012
it's already tomorrow,
but i haven't slept yet.
i wanted to sleep hours ago but now that i'm free to
...i cannot

See, i have all these thoughts in my head about the world
and the earth
and everything beyond or inside that.

I want to know everyone in the world
i also want to know myself better

I want to learn about space and gods and trees
i want to see the stars up close

I'm starting to cry only because i know
i never will see or learn or meet what/who i crave.

I guess i'll go to bed now
and think this over in the morning.

— The End —