and i can feel the emptiness settle in again
the walls of my chest aching, struggling
with my lurching breath
holding on to "i miss you...
..i miss you like i dream about you
like i actually feel you in my mind pulling
when i see a girl with freckles i think of you
because they always intimidated me because
i knew they were your favorite.. those girls with freckles.
i don't have freckles to the extent you like
but it wasn't about that.

I'm struggling still with these feelings that were too much
with these aches you didn't want to soothe
these thoughts you didn't want to listen to
and i've been holding back tears for weeks
and i can't let go of them
because i've already told everyone that i'm over you

I'm not really. I loved you, i still do.
i hadn't cried since i moved away from you.
i wish i hadn't tried so hard for it to work
because then maybe it would have

I feel you slipping away
like your gaze cannot hold on much more,
but i feel you looking at me when i look away.
since that one night
where my trust was crushed
and you didn't even want to tell me
We have this unspoken border between us.

I fall asleep next to you each night,
But the amount we touch is not enough
I want to explore your dreams
and look into your thoughts
So i can know why we are behaving this way.

I want you to be mine, alone.
And i will be yours, strictly.

*** is not supposed to be just the pumping of hips and thighs,
It seems like it has simply become a thing.. we do...
Nothing passionate
Nothing romantic.
It feels good during
But not afterward.
You don't need to see me cry,
I would hide it from you anyway.

Just know that i still love you
And i hate myself for it

I realized just now that when
you bring him coffee in the morning,
and he says thank you,
but falls asleep again without a sip,
that when efforts fail,
and thoughts were wrong,
it's time to find if what he needs is me.

I once told him that i kept a blog.
He looked at it once when i was with him,
but it's clear he hasn't looked at it since.
If he knew the secrets i told my followers,
maybe he would keep up, too.
He became nocturnal while i kept a normal routine.
I tried sleeping earlier so i could wake with him.
I wanted to form myself to his schedule,
So i could see him once in a while.
But when he spoke, it was entirely of his day
and not ever asking about mine.
In the times i can find a space to tell him
he shushed me, and the silence continued.
He did not want to me wake up to be with him.
He would rather i stayed over there, and
not intruding his alone time.

So i went to bed at 8 in the evening
So i would get a nap in before he came home.
I ended up sleeping until 6:30 am
and he had not woken me up when he got home,
He woke me up when he finally went to bed.
So now i've been awake for seven hours,
and he is still sleeping.

I want to touch him, and feel him.
I want him to tell me how he feels.
I need him to show what i mean to him.
Instead of wondering aimlessly, crying.

I hate myself
but i love you so ******* ******* much...
...That i don't even care if you don't love me back.

Since we began this
obsessive closeness
that binds with our hands and lips
i began to feel more real.

The world beyond the screen i put around myself
seemed grey and vast.

Now we are both watching the world from behind this screen,
and it looks more like a colored painting
filled with opportunity and the color yellow.

With us together, the smoke we inhale like air
swirls around the air above our heads
then dissipates like memories of
past lovers.

Since we began this love,
no one else's love could match or exceed ours.
It's amazing, honey.

Such contrast
with time,
awakens emotion
far above what
feels familiar.

Black coffee,
thin and weak.
We talk above the rising steam
about fires within.

Up those wooden steps
past the two Skeletons hanging by the two windows
and through the door that can be nudged open by the breeze,
Dog wiggles brightly
for my arrival.
If a new friend comes in too,
her boundaries are pushed and
out-she-pushed a snarl
fierce--too fierce--for a small pup.

Outside the shade will cool
but the Sun is what we need...