I think about him a lot

when I'm sad
and when I'm happy

And I think about those moments when we look at each other and suddenly we're the only two people in the room

and I wonder if those moments mean anything to him

Does he feel the way I do
when he holds me in his arms as the sun rises

Does it mean something to him, when he holds my hand and brushes my hair out of my face

Do you think he ever wonders if we have a future together
or gets butterflies when people say my name

Does he ever look for me in the crowds of people
or get excited when my name flashes across his phone screen

Has he ever hoped that we would run into each other in the produce aisle at the grocery store
Or that we'll go home to watch movies by the fire together after a long day

Has he replayed my smile in his head over and over again hoping he can recreate it

Does he speak highly of me when his friends ask
does he think I could be something special, maybe we could be something special


Do you think he thinks about me?

Do you think he feels the same way?

Every once in a while I return to my thoughts here,
I re-read them, re-say them, re-feel them.
I revisit the darkest moments and I relive the pain.
It hurts me to recall the excruciating pain I was in....the pain I was in over a boy.
It hurts me to remember lying in my room night after night, clenching my chest to see if I was still breathing.
It hurts me to know how much I gave of myself, how much I lost of myself, and how much pain I allowed myself to be in, over someone who did not love me the way I deserved.

But I needed to learn, and I did.
I needed to feel pain, to know proper love, and I did.
I needed to see your flaws to stop loving you, and I did.
I needed to get out, and I did.
I needed to see I deserved more,

and I do.

It hurts to know how much he hurt me
It makes me sick to know how much of myself I lost


But it gives me a chance to grow
He's given me the chance to fall in love with myself
And learn how to better myself
Showed me I never want to be as weak as I was when I was with him
He's given me the ability to know there is better love , better life
A love that does not cheat, or neglect

Because of him I know I am worth more than he gave me
I can find happiness within myself
I am strong, and I am beautiful
I will find someone who respects me,
find someone who loves me as I should be loved

I deserve better. He showed me that.

I don't know how to love myself
I've loved a million but it's always someone else
I see beauty in every stranger I meet,
It might be time for me to admit defeat
There are a thousand flaws in every mirror
Nothing to love it can't be clearer
I'll give until my blood runs dry, but never take
Every night I only wish I'd die before I wake

For three years, I have loved you effortlessly
With every bone and every nerve in my body.
You may have been scruffy and broke, but you were mine, and we were in love.
You kissed me hello, you kissed me goodbye, you squeezed me every time I was near and held me when I was hurt.
But over time, you saw how in love I was,
and you saw that I would do anything for you, and you took that.
You stopped loving and started taking.
Your love became a falsely reassuring "nothing has changed"
I became your last priority
and then you cheated, and you lied and yet I was still loving you, still letting you hurt me. I wanted to believe you loved me, I wanted to believe it was a rough patch...because we were forever.
And to this day, you still reassure me that one day I'll be yours again, and so I still fought for you. I told people I knew you and this was just a phase in your life. I told people one day you'd be back, one day we'd find love again. But after everything I did for you, you only continued to lie and cheat. So maybe I did know you, maybe we did have a powerful love, one that maybe could have lasted forever... but I don't know you anymore, and I don't want to, and this is my last goodbye.

My heart yearns for your sadistic, egotistical mind
Every day you say you love me and every night you leave me alone to cry once more over that sick fetish you have of watching me fall apart
And yet the morning comes and once more I'll rise for you
I'll live for you, I'll die for you
My lungs breathe for you, my heart beats for you
You make my blood boil and my hands shake
You say jump, I say how high
You say leave, I say I'm sorry.


And I don't deserve this
I deserve someone to love me
to show me what it's like to be cared about
I deserve to not sit here writing on my tear-stained laptop about how you've ruined everything that I once had and everything that I once was
You've taken over who I am and created a mindless creature
I am not myself, I have lost myself
because of you
You are the most toxic being I have ever encountered
And finally,

**I will get out

I've spent two years of my life clinging to your chest
Listening to your beating heart
and smiling into your icy blue eyes
I fall harder everyday

but I feel my heart sink further every second
I want to throw up
I want to rip out my hair
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
You've taken over every piece of me
You've turned me into a slave

You've forgotten what it means to love,
You let me follow your every move and breathe your every breath
You etch out your thoughts with my blood
You've taken my innocence and beaten me to the floor

I want to be loved again
let me find love again...

I fell in love
One year, 182 days, and 15 minutes ago
I fell in love
And last night you told me you don't want me to be in love anymore
You told me that my love was no longer enough
Last night you broke me

But how did I really expect you to continue to love me,
When I don't even love me

It is scary to think I only have someone to talk to
when there is a smile on my face

~k

I go to bed every night hoping that I won't wake up again in the morning.
~k

My heart is *******
My mind is burning
My legs are in pain
My stomach is always turning
So easily I come to think that you forget
Should falling for you be something I regret?
I've lost my desire to party and drink
Instead I drop to my knees every time you blink
But you haven't given up your partying days
A drink with the boys over me is something you can always afford to pay
I love you until the end of time
But until I love myself can I continue this climb?

I'm sorry every time you say i love you i hesitate in saying it back
I'm sorry that I wince every time I see you talking to someone else
I'm sorry I **** in every time you touch my stomach
I'm sorry I can't tell you what's on my mind
I'm sorry I lie about the scars
I'm sorry I can't be the girl you thought I was

Come back to me
Bring back the man who really loved me
I love you all the same each day
But did you ever really love me anyway?

He holds me
But he's too weak
I'd hold myself
But I'm too beat

He grabs for me
But he lets go
I clung to him
I should have known

He loves me
But he doesn't know how
He likes to joke
But I need a saviour now

I can't just keep smiling
the way he wants me to
Because every time I smile
the tears flood alongside too
and I wish that I felt
crying was okay to do
But his fear of emotion
makes it so impossible to be blue

I love you
But I don't know how
to stay with you
Because I need to save myself somehow

How am I supposed to communicate a feeling
that not even I understand
How do I explain
that even I have lost myself
How can I tell you
that there are demons living in every crevice of my body
How do I say
that something is wrong...

How do I tell the only person who needs me alive
that I want *to die

"I'd rather ..."
No wonder you'd rather
Because I'm rather thick
While she's rather thin
I'm not as funny or witty or slick
I don't run around with footballs or hockey sticks
No I'm not very chill
I'm rather uptight
If "one of the boys" is what you want
I'm not what you like
And whether or not you meant it to be true
You'd rather be without me,

*and I don't blame you

Everyday he looks at me
his icy blue eyes stare deep inside of me
deeper than even I have ever looked.
He holds me
He holds me as if I was falling into an abyss
and little does he know I am
But he listens to me
and he listens so intensely
he grasps on to every word I breathe
as if it might be the last
and maybe it will be
And then he kisses me
and he whispers into my rosy hot cheeks
that he loves me -
- every last fibre of my being


*and I wish I could love me too

i cant breathe
i'm home and i've never been so lost
a million miles ago
a million miles away
everything was okay
and now i'm home
and that warmth my heart gave off
is gone again
and i'm cold
and alone
once more

Cold dark sea
my blood surrounds me
i can't hear her scream
because my bones have broken seams
Her lips are mouthing stop
but my blade whispers chop
Sirens are burning
Telling me this behaviour is concerning
My body is a slave but my soul is saying no
They cuff my wrists but my heart won't go
Carrying my body I lie stiff
Hoping they'll throw me off the cliff.

She lay there
She lay in the middle of the tracks
and she waited for death to tear her last breath from her
She listened as the train drew near her
waiting for it to throw her body into the abyss
She watched it come closer
waiting for her dream to become reality
and all the while she had no idea what she was doing

Everyday I get sicker
I breathe a little less,
I cry a little more

Everyday I get numb-er
I sleep a little less,
I ache a little more

Everyday I get sadder, I get angrier, I get tugged and dragged through the emotional parade we call life
I watch the girls scowl at each other
I watch the boys throw a punch
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world it must be
For the blissfully ignorant beings surrounding me.

The irony in suicide
is that
it often happens to the one
who always seemed to be smiling.

Dear Abby,
I'm sorry we lost touch. I'm sorry you were sad. I'm sorry you felt the need to end your life.

I didn't want to know how you did it, because then it would be too real.
I know we weren't in each others lives anymore, but know that you have impacted me all the same. I care and have love for you. You were beautiful and so kind.

I wish you didn't jump. I wish you knew how much you were loved. I'm sorry Abby. I'm sorry. Rest in peace.

Life is getting harder
The kids are getting meaner
The jokes are getting crueller
And it's getting hard to brush off*

My name appears on bathroom stalls,
facebook walls,
and most of all
voices in the halls

People glare,
Girls stare,
All the boys are aware
Privacy has gotten rare

They say it's gone to my head
But they won't listen to what I've said
It's not the school that I dread
But the people who have read

The people who think they know me
to a tee
think they all agree
that a ***** is all they see

They think I care
About their hair
And who they kiss
That their downfall is my bliss

I wish they knew
It isn't true
I don't care about who dates who

I couldn't care
About what they wear
And I wouldn't judge
Based on a grudge

I would never hope that they would fail
or that their life becomes derailed
I smile not because I'm fake
But because being unkind is life's greatest mistake

So no I'm not the high school witch
I'm not queen B,  biggest *****
I'm just a girl trying to get by
Wishing I got a shot to answer why

Sad poor bird
flapping wings of its sin
holding back from the furred
to protect its kin

Nest of leaves
missing twigs from nighttime deeds
keeping all that she believes
where she hides her extra seeds

Fly down south
To run away from her life
and she closes her mouth
to try to stray from the knife

Sad poor bird
flapping wings of its sin
holding back from the furred
to protect its kin

Today I was at school
Writing the date
March 5 2015
But I continued to write
March 5 2006
Because
9 years ago today
You died.
My 14 year old brother
Died.
A 7 year olds life flipped upside down
And had to learn to smile
Had to learn to lie
Because friends kept apologizing
Because family kept crying
Because teachers kept quiet
Because therapists kept questioning
Because all I wanted was to hug you
And all I want 9 years later is to hug you


Come back

I am constantly told that you are talking to a thousand other girls
And you can
I am no longer yours
I am constantly told you still love me
And you can
I am constantly told you are telling other girls that you also love them
And you can't
Because I know you love me
I know they hold no place in your heart besides to fill the empty void I left
I know.
I know because you charm them
I know because you smile and laugh with them
I know because you sleep with them
And with me
You cannot make eye contact
But I always see you staring
You cannot talk to me
But you tell others about me
You cannot kiss me
But I see your desire
I know you love me
I'm sorry I couldn't love you

Ignorance is bliss,
and I am not ignorant
not in any sense.
I have seen,heard,felt,tasted, and smelled
death and despair.
I have grasped on to desperation
and I have fallen in love with grief
I know and understand tragedy
I know and understand pain
anxiety, depression and disappointment.
I am too kind
and I am too trusting
but I am not ignorant.

And ignorance is bliss.

One shot of *****
...for the girl who told me I was stupid when I was 6 and again at 16

Two shots of whiskey
...for my brother who left me for Heaven when I was 7

Three shots of gin
...for my best friend who moved countries when I needed her most

Four shots of tequila
...for my parents who never loved each other

Five shots of brandy
...for my daddy's suicide attempts, and all the times he blamed me

Six shots of ***
...for the boy who took any ounce of love I had left for myself

*Black.

Eyes fall limp
Heart sinks low

Mind so high
Body so worn

Numb and broken
Cheap,torn and unwoven

Nausea
Migraine
Fever

Ill

Because of you.

Don't ever fall in love with someone like me
I'll make you feel important and let you think you're everything I need you to be
I'll kiss you first and I'll hold your hand
And I promise every time you look into my eyes , you'll believe you're my only man

But I'll break your heart quickly
I'll lead you on
Because as much as I want to love you
I'll never move on

When I was in grade six,
My parents called it splits,
Cause daddy met a *****,
And walked right out the door

-k.m

Once the words started to flow out of his mouth like he'd been studying them for years, I knew it was worse than I'd thought
for it is the most traumatized writers whom have the most hauntingly beautiful thoughts.

It's not that I don't want to be with you, it's my dad walking in at 11 o'clock at night,sometimes not at all, and leaving again at 7. It's expecting him to be on business trips more than he's home. It's believing that all daddy's didn't spend time with their kids ever. It's not understanding that mommy and daddy are supposed to sleep in one bed and go on dates and kiss and love each other. It's my brothers death day, it's feeling his body being cold as ice and not understanding why, It's being 7 years old and having your life turned upside down. It's when daddy's suicide attempts and publicly severe depression became routine. It's accepting that my daddy will never be stable. It's having my best friend move to another country when i needed her most. It's no longer caring or wanting my daddy around. It's having my parents get separated after seeing it coming for so long. It's what I see in the mirror. It's my body and it's my mind. It's hating who I am and wanting so badly to be somebody else. It's the binge and the purge and the pain. It's having my daddy written about in the papers because they think he's a bad man. It's being recognized as the daughter of that man I read about. It's having my daddy decide i should be a part of his life 16 years too late. It's knowing my daddy cheated on my mommy for so long. It's having everyone else in the world know it too because a newspaper implied it. It's having anxiety but no one being able to help. It's feeling trapped and alone everywhere I go. It's panic attacks out of the blue that keep me up all night. It's going out with my dad to avoid his suicide but wanting nothing more than to scream and cry for all he's done. It's watching him say his third marriage vows to a woman half his age. It's that she's the woman the newspapers talk about. It's feeling more and more like **** everyday. It's feeling numb. It's wanting so badly to be happy and get away. It's never being good enough and it's never being satisfied with myself. It's that I want you so much that I could never let you in.

Boys like girls who kiss boys
Boys like girls who are confident
Boys like girls who are cool and hot and always having fun
Boys like girls who play hard to get,
Who don't catch feelings
Boys like girls like me.... right?

Right.

Boys get over girls who always kiss boys
Boys get over girls who's only gift is confidence
Boys get over girls who are cool and hot and always having fun
Boys get over girls who play hard to get,
Who don't catch feelings


Boys get over girls like me.

Josh,
I can't even figure out how to put my thoughts into words at this point so I figured I'd just babble on about whatever comes into my mind.
God I love you. I really miss you. A lot. Like I miss you so much sometimes I find myself not being able to breathe...I find myself staring at a wall for hours just thinking of what my life has become since you died. Since March 5th 2006. I was 7. Three days from being 8, and my brother dies. You died Josh. I still can't comprehend that. You have been gone for over half of my life now and I still pray to God that it was all a dream. My brother, my 14 year old brother. When I think of the day I become weak and unable to speak as the lump in my throat starts to over throw my body. I just wish I could have stopped it, I wish I was there, I wish I could hold you, I wish it was me...
A lot has changed. I'm sure you know that if there is a Heaven. I hope there is. I hope you're okay. I need you to be okay because I'm not okay.I'm scared Josh. I'm scared because I can feel myself becoming everything I never was and I'm watching as I break down and no one can help me. I've tried to fix myself but I'm too damaged and I'm falling apart Josh I don't know what to do. I wish you were here to reassure me. I wish you were here to tell me I'm ok. I'm not going crazy and then to grab me and take Matt and I downstairs to play a board game. Or maybe play "bartender"...haha. I was playing a game about drunk people before I could multiply. ****. I miss you.
I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough sister, I took you for granted because I figured I'd have a million more years to repay you for all your actions. I didn't. All I can do at this point is write you this letter and hope you're watching over me reading it somehow. I love you Joshua. I really love you and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I was more affectionate because all I wish for now is to be able to hug you one last time. I really miss you a lot and I love you so much wow I ******* love you Josh. No matter where you are I know I still have my brother watching over me.

I love you. Come back.

I hate being alone
Too many thoughts enter my head
The empty soul starts to moan
Too many reasons I'd rather be dead

I'm afraid of my emotions
Can't confront them face to face
So instead I let them build up
I outrun them in my own race

I hate being alone
Because I know I can't run away
From my mind and my thoughts
I'm stuck, I have to stay

It scares me to think
I'm scared of myself
That my body is my own living hell
And it pains me that
Every breath I take
Is a breath wasted
Because when I'm alone I'd rather not be awake

It's so often
When your world falls down
That your mind is lost
And now you've got nothing
To smile for
To laugh for
To live for
When it gets difficult to breathe
And your stomach won't sit
Your heart left so sunken and empty
These are the times
That you feel most alone
When there's no one nor thing
That will hold you
And tell you it's all okay
Because it's not okay
It was never okay

I fell in love with the devil
and he left me in hell
He led me through Heaven
and then he threw me back down
He gave me a taste of everything i'd ever dreamed
He made me sign my life away
Then ripped my heart by the seams
My friends begged me and pleaded to let go of my sin
But my willpower was weak,
temptation would always win
He bloodied up my body
and he choked out my tears
I was in love with the devil and stayed with him out of fear

Untitled. It's often written at the top automatically, waiting to be replaced
but what if untitled was what we need in the human race?
Maybe untitled is the exact mystery that'll hold us down
from rising up to the very top and getting vane with our crown
Everyone needs a somebody, and maybe untitled is the one
the never ending creation that will never be done
Untitled is just a word with an infinite meaning
but maybe it's that infinity that will end of our earths demeaning's
2 letters away from titled, 2 letters from an identity
but what good is a title if it leaves you with no serenity
Untitled is the one thing keeping you out of the monsters in the dark
because without a title you're anything; a princess, or a shark?
Untitled is just a word with an infinite meaning
but maybe it's that infinity that will end of our earths demeaning's

15
the age we start drinking and smoking the ****
the time where we forget about doing good deeds
when reality finally came into play
we learned that life's all night and day
as we watch the world fight about not getting their way
and when our first love leaves us although we begged them to stay
it's when we realized that mommy and daddy don't always know best
they aren't superhuman they're no better than the rest
and teachers became the enemy of us all
instead of the ones who help us up when we fall
rebelling and lying is just what we'll do
until we're old enough to make good decisions
maybe once we're 22
but until then we'll continue to sin
when we have ***,love,and drugs where do we even begin
that first lover who touches us, who makes us believe
in a love, a good life, the lover who deceived
us because soon we'll grow up not to trust
we'll forget about real love and grow to want lust
we'll age and forget about all that we've done
with two kids and a mini van where's all the fun?
the fighting between a partner and you
a divorce that's so likely between the two
your kids are now mommy's and daddy's like you
and slowly the days are getting to few


and *it's over.