They say that everyone’s DNA
has a different melting point.
That means that everyone has
a different point at which
they cease to be
a person.
At which the very ladders
that create who we are
collapse and die...
leaving us inane and
indistinguishable
from all the other
decaying organic matter around us.
So I wonder
which of us is stronger?
Which of us
    in the appropriate
    circumstances
would hold onto our being longer?
Would I melt into you
or
would you melt into me
first?
Would I fall apart first
unable to withstand
the pressure
give myself up
and everything that has
created me
or would you?
Would the
hydrogen bridges
that stagger your double-helix splinter
and break first?
Would I hold up?
For that matter
what force governs
the melting points of our DNA?
What dictates when
our strength of character will fail
when we will lose
all of ourselves?
No matter how comfortable
in your own skin you are
no matter how strong
you hold your convictions
at some point you will
wither and die.
We are all
such
fragile
beings.

I spent a long time trying to make you understand
The darkness inside of my head.
I tried every way I could think of
To reconcile it to you.
But each time you watched my mouth move
Entirely unable to comprehend
All the words that were spilling out of it.
Each time I watched your face
When I was upset or in the grips of a depressive spell.
At first you were pained
Wishing you could reach me across this ocean my mind put between us.
But each time after
I watched your eyes
And saw less sympathy.
I saw less compassion, less love
More exasperation, impatience.
You couldn’t understand my world of grey
Telling me to please just see the colors.
But I can’t
And I never could.
You couldn’t understand why I pushed you away
Telling me to just ******* let you in
And I try so hard I give myself panic attacks
But I don’t think I ever could.
You couldn’t understand why I would hurt myself
Telling me it wasn’t an adult way to deal with my problems.
But I lose myself in such a panicked sadness
The only way out is through a blade.
You couldn’t understand why I would want to die
Telling me I should never think that way.
But I am so ******* sick of the constant sadness
Of trying so hard to just survive
That I do think that way
And I probably always will.
You couldn’t understand why I would purposely sabotage our relationship
Telling me to just stop, because I was destroying us.
But I can’t stop
I can’t stop
I can’t stop the fear of ending happiness
Of ending love
And I never will.
I know that I don’t make you happy
Because your eyes grow distant between your long lashes.
I know that I am exhausting
Because I hear it in your voice whenever I begin to tell you
About all this sadness I carry in my  bones.
Nothing feels worse than knowing
My sickness is chasing you further away
And there isn’t a ******* thing I can do
Except hope I wake up from this nightmare
But I can’t
And I never will.