I wonder if you'd want to know
I named all of my demons after you
And
They haunt me in my sleep

When I was 14 I fell asleep in April
And dreamed of bones and
I'm not sure I've really ever woken up
Since

When I lost 5 pounds I never saw a
difference

When I lost 10 pounds my mother said I was
looking good

When I lost 20 pounds I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

When I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
And held my bones together for me

When I lost 35  started fainting every morning
And
The doctors could no longer easily find my
Blood pressure

When I lost 40 people started to stare
And food made me cry

When I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to
lay down
It hurt to eat
It hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty
Stomach

The mind plays tricks on those that
decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

My heart pumps with a loudness that makes me want to step back when you stand close because you are a mini earthquake and I'm still rebuilding from the time you listened to me when I had nothing to say.*

                                                                                            j.g

I used to want to be the wind because
it had a way of rustling you
when I couldn't even make you budge.
Don't fall for boys with curled lips billowing smoke
into the air
because they won't catch you in their smoke rings.
Just like dream catchers
never caught my bad dreams
and I dreamed of you every single night.*


                                               j.g

and I tried
so hard to
be everything you
wanted. I molded
myself into someone
I wasn't praying
I was satisfying you,
praying I was
becoming someone
worthy of your loving.
In the midst of finding
my new self.
I lost my
old self;
the self I truly am.

I know what love is.
Love is not when you love someone for what they say
Or how they act;
Love is not when you love someone for what they do
Or how they look.
Love is not a feeling.
Love is not a passion.
Love cannot be spoken,
Nor heard.
Love cannot be given,
Nor taken.
Love is not an emotion,
Nor a vibe.
Love is a force.
Love is loving someone for who they are
Inside and out,
Through and through.
They are that, and that is perfect.
Love is not when that matters more,
But when these matter less.  
Love doesn't wait,
But instead, it lasts.
Don't look for love,
Let it find you.
And believe that it will.

he sniffed her out
she fell for his charm
she fell into his bed
too fast
too fast
passion
or frenzy?

over & over
again & again
he pinned her down
red ribbons,
red dress on the floor

it wasn't sweet
it wasn't sweet
my, what big
teeth you have
what big marks they leave

the sun rose
the moon set
he slept fitfully

bruised, ****** & sore,
she waited

finally he woke &
crunch,
munch
he ate her for lunch

School

It starts at a young age
when you first start going you have fun
you like to learn new things
you meet friends
everything is easy
you can pass a test without studying
you actually want to go to school
you want to do your homework
it's fun
but then after your first few years
you get slammed in the face
you are expected to just know things after being told them once
you are expected to remember everything
after all
it will be on the test
the one which you are told to study for
but you have no idea how to actually study
you still enjoy seeing your friends and going to school
but soon enough that will change
you are expected to be there everyday
god forbid you miss one day
if you miss one day
you'll be behind everyone else
you start getting hours of homework from every class you have
having tests everyday
you'll be expected to be able to learn at the same pace as everyone else
and if you don't
well you're *******
eventually you will despise going to school
dread it
you'd rather be in the hospital
or dying
you are ridiculed if you get lower than100%
on top of everything
if you don't do extra curricular activities
then you're not a balanced student
if you can't handle eight hours of homework and two or more hours of a sport
then how are you supposed to handle the real world?
so you try to 'balance' your life
oh and if you can't handle all of that and a social life
you're a geek
so you grit your teeth and down a few cups of coffee and hope your hands don't shake too much
after all you have to write that thousand word essay tonight
along with four pages of calculus
and science
and a foreign language
and what ever else
if you're lucky you'll make it through every thing
but if you're like me
you'll be so stressed out by all of it
you physically can't do it
it's not that you don't want to do it
but you'll just stare at it
like a foreign object
you're mind blanks out
you start to panic
all of sudden you have no ******* idea what you're doing
you're up until it's time to get up
but you've only done one assignment
you feel stupid
you're a failure in your mind
you start to fall behind
your teachers pull you outside the class
they ask you why you aren't doing as well as you were before
you want to tell them
you're a suicidal mess
you can't look at your homework with out having a panic attack
but you can't
so you just simply tell them
you don't know
and they just shake their head

Overthinking
I lie awake
And think about everything I hate
Everything that relates
To my past
Old habits coming back
And I have to adapt
To the overwhelming amounts of self hate
The new scars on my arm
Tell me that I've come a long way
They will eventually go away
And then I can focus on each day
My thoughts and my feelings
Happen to be two different things
My thoughts control my feelings
But my feelings cause my thoughts
So I ought to reevaluate my life choices
Even though I don't have many
Only ones I regret
And then you come along
And make my heart strong
I can't help but feel like the universe owes me one
Or two
Or three
I'm not picky
I just want something extraordinary
To make up for all the holes that are left of me
Maybe I over think things
I try not feel
But think too much to makes sure that everything is real
I'm thinking myself into depression
Regression
Every thought leads to violent expression
And I just need someone to look at me
And say that I'm okay
My thoughts lead me away from anything that involves positivity
Just say that you believe in me
And that you will never leave me
Why sleep when I can think
Why think when I can sleep
Maybe if I think about sleeping it will happen
Everything around me slowly becomes everything that's hurt me
I don't want to die
I just need to find a reason to stay alive

Heartbreak
You said good morning, beautiful, how did you sleep?
You made too many promises you just couldn't keep.
You said "You'll be okay, just maybe not today"
That was just what I wanted you to say
I fought to keep you out
But you were too strong
I let down my walls
**** was I wrong

My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon



And when you touched my skin, I could feel the future
I could see the past, and I could feel her
I asked "Do I have your heart"
Or will your pretty ex-girlfriend tear us apart?

Of course you said- 'I love you, baby, we'll last forever'.
And I felt like every day was the first day, the first time you said you loved me
Until the past pulled you away


My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon


We were both scarred and reeling from the fall
But then you went and ended it all
“I’m good for you but you’re not good for me”
All the lies and the secrets- why couldn’t I see?

We met in the rain, we were both in pain,
and I said 'I think you're saving me',
you said 'I can set you free'

My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon


I’m dancing around the words I should be saying
I’m holding in the breaths I should be taking
Why can’t you wake up?
Why can’t you see?
Just what you’re doing to me?

Everything was desperation, this love was pain's creation,
so we should have known that it would hurt
because in the fire of everything bad, we met and I pretended you were my safety net
we both got burned, I should have learned
not to trust anyone with such a pathetic lust

Because my hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon
No, you won't be kissing them anytime soon.

Her mouth is like the sun
When smiling: sunlight beamed
When frowning: a mysterious scream.
Her eyes and smile so welcoming
Yet her body language usually contradicts.
At times unsettling,
Forcing me to resist the desire to give her a kiss.
Her curves are like a “Do Not Enter” road.
One could admire but not explore.
Her heart closed with a code,
Required love, patience, and far more.
Her skin glowing with youth,
Surprisingly, disrupted by slashes,
Which held the ultimate truth.
Such a beautiful creature,
Filled my heart with pain.
Not because of her pleasant features
But because her blindness drove me insane.

So honest and so true
Just know I am here for you
Forever in my heart
An amazing friendship from the start
Trials and tribulations all set aside please don't be afraid to be you
Please don't hide
Our friendship is one to never end
I love you because you're my best friend
You keep me happy you keep me high
Your the one that helps me gets by
Don't ever let this go again
I never want to lose my great friend

I love to feel your body next to mine
I languidly run my nails up and down your chest.
Time has been kind to you, you've aged like fine wine
Next to you I feel delirious that you desire me.
I feel addicted to you, my passion is boundless.
Every time I see you, I smile,
Wantonly I want you to defile me.
Craving you like an addict craves his drug of choice.
Your touch emblazones my need, my lustfulness.
How long will our desire last?
Until we run out of breath?
Until we desire others?
I kiss you deeply, hear your heart pound in time with mine,and
I lie in the knowledge that we will never desire another
                                                  j.g

I want you to write your name with your tongue inside of my mouth so I can feel it every time I speak