When I was in school,
we would plant hundreds of seeds and
put them under lamps
until they grew
to be as long as our limbs.

I wish I
could move that fast now
and get the **** away from you.

love me when it's convenient
love me when it is useful
love me when love is necessary
on the terms that
i stay simple, i stay beautiful

love me because your mother thought
i was pretty, i was quiet
love me because your father looks at me
like a *****, successful diet
love me until i’m not always sweet
love me until it’s not easy enough
leave me at the station
kiss me like your lips
have become strangers
just for me
and wish me luck

love me until somebody else better comes along
love me until i misstep to the words of the song
love me until those nights
you see me when i’m not strong
love me until it’s not profitable
until it rubs you wrong

my words are no longer useful
when they are not lucrative
your eyes are no longer protective
they are punitive

i am no longer a friend
just the tail end of another
distended friendship ready to
split hairs and end it
not a person but a thing
not a person but a problem
you’ve been dissecting

you don’t want to bend back
and mend, it’s easier to
wait it out, pretend away the tension
show your teeth, your venom’s condescesion
not so lost in your eyes
so resenting my mention

and i’ve been taught
not to stop giving
until you’re ready
for me to stop

and i’ve been trained
to drink up the blood when it puddles in
to treat people i attach love to
like my king pins
no one is just a lapsed vein

and i’ve been told
i’m not allowed to pull the plug
once i open my body
and let you dig into my love
so here i am, watch me now

to keep my ugly hidden
to keep my thoughts restrained
to keep the stains upon myself
cloistered and contained

by nature we are greedy
and you can’t seem to stop taking
because you’ve grown bitter dancing feet
and i'm aching, you say i'm not grounded
yet i’m a burden underfoot
and you wish i’d just break life
or break life in
and forget what it took

you want me to be punished
or you want me to go
you think i don’t know
oh you think i don’t know
you wish i’d just open,
then you wish that i’d fold
i don’t melt in the heat,
but i crack from the cold

your affection is grotesque
and my voice has a certain note
that makes you want to wrap each finger
tightly around my throat
you hate me, more than you love me
but i don’t want to be loved
if love barely stays afloat
you hate me, much more than you love me
and i was never told love
was so naturally cutthroat

i hear you carry my name around
in your pocket [instead of on your sleeve]
so convinced that i forgot yours
on the bottom of a glass bottle

[but i could never]

when my mother turned my jeans
inside out to wash
she found your name scribbled
inside, over and over
and over again.

What’s the difference between unwanted and unneeded?
You’re unnecessary, verging on disappointment, disgrace
Breaking faith and bond, hoarding intent and hopes false
Unnecessary child

Give me pure existence
And watch me lose my mind
Without meaning
I’m fingerless and blind
Give me pure existence
And watch me lose my heart
Without love
I’m a stringless puppet

it is only 5 am
i’ve just woken up
my head still hurts
the room is still spinning

my eyes are out of focus
my throat is dry

it’s taking a little time
to get settled but it will be
6 am soon
and then 7 then 8
then 9

the day is only starting.
the sun is just rising.

i want to go back to sleep
and wake up again to the
sun setting.

becoming lost in a patchwork of words
               running between the tilting letters
          ink splashes
                       paper tears
pace quickens as i run
                  a nightmare created of something i loved
       my love screams at me
                                      where did i go wrong?
they're screaming
        but clutching their ears
                       maybe they're just in pain
   did i cause their pain?
                                 no i can't have
                                      i didn't do anything
                              did i?
countless doubts
      numberless words
                          screeched like fingernails on chalk boards
             scratching down my backbone
  ripping through my head
                      shivering or shuddering?
               it's all pain now
       but is it my pain or yours?
                           there's no border anymore
its combined
               my knuckles split
                                        in contact with the wall
    no winner
             but pain is gained