Depression hit me harder than I'd thought this time, the loss of a brother pushed me to my end, since the day we met it was conditioned as a heart that learned from mistakes, the friends made were the stakes at high and the loss of self and gain of lesson was the turning point of a heart........and yet, he, no I dwell on the past, I drown myself in regrets of what I could've done and what I could've said, I had no idea that this would hurt, I'd no idea that my heart would ache more and more as I thought about you, I, I drowned in what other called depression, I called it drowning in your heart, I made excuses and made endless distractions abroad because I wanted to run away.......he felt the need to cope, so he bought drugs and told himself he'd be okay, he made everyday the same in his mind even though every day is meant to change, he felt his heart was tragedy and his mind was creatively crashing.......he, no, I told myself every aspect of the heart was a lesson, and every aspect of the mind was a growth, but how can that be when you drown in the unthinkable, you push yourself to see the unbelievable, he hopes for better days, endlessly knowing and knowing deeply he had no options in choice, he had no voice because fear of disappointments pushed him to sorrows.........I as a kid had no way of showing how I felt because tears were my friends and beatings were the antagonist, I threw endlessly screams and howls at the wall and tears flew, my blood flowed like it would in my body and it hurt, this boy who had endless love for change, learned pain is a must in the creative and even more so growth through pain.......he made endless quotes and endless stories endless songs and poems explaining his hopes and his sorrows as if writing a book of his life which couldn't be explained this boy became the steering wheel for a breed of children who knew hurt and put it aside to learn from what they saw, they learned what abuse was, they learned loss, when they lost themselves. And they loves to learn those adoring pretending basterds, hope for the best is what they'd say but advice given to them would not be looked upon as helpful, they had levels of pain and love which never countered their pain......so tell me the truth realizing that your heart and mind are loving and learning will you be quiet to the fact that holding him back will make the boy unhappy, wanting to grow and yet having a brick wall in the way.......telling me this boy is ambitious, yet apparently to gain and loss would he even be so......

Words are harmless, so they say,
That's where the problem starts;
Sticks and stones
May break our bones
But words will break our hearts.



Words are harmless, so they say,
And point you to their charts;
It's harmless fun,
No damage done.
But... Who will mend our hearts?



The x-rays show no damage
Where words have scathed across,
But it still feels hard to manage,
And leaves you at a loss.



Words are harmless, don't complain,
That's where the problem starts.
It's quite absurd-
A single word-
Enough to break our hearts!



But words are harmless, they maintain;
The subject of their parts,
No less or more,
So let them pour
From all our broken hearts

No more excuses, no more laughs and fake smiles/ I've got to change, I'm so stuck in the past and dwelling on the future that I can't even choose where my present will be/ I've choked up and looked at myself as a clown and haven't even chosen my path, I'm straying from the given path and getting off at the wrong stop/I have to change for the better and no it's not for Rocky, it's not for my mother, it's for me, it's so I can adore what I'd become, so I can love myself like I love my mother, so I can love myself like  my friends and enemies love each other, unconditionally/ ironic right, hate turns to love and love turns to hate, but me the one person I'd rather not be is me, I hate myself with a passion because I always disappoint and never intend to/ I break down on the inside and crying is the thing I'd hate but love to do because it will let me know that I've become more than a man, I've become a man whose dreams became reality/  I'll become that person that's not looked at as another statistic, I'll be the kid everyone looked at as better day, the kid everyone put a burden on and he led them in the right path/ he helped them like they helped him, stories will be told of his ***** ups and then his strives will be brought up like water to a dry ocean/ he ***** up and then he arrives with a different way of thinking, his love becomes reality and he explains it through his actions not his words/ lust becomes his enemy and he eventually destroys it, it may have seemed to him like an endless maze of sorrows and endless ******* with nothing but desires unfinished/ but now, now this boy will become something better, his heart will become his desire, his love for a better self becomes his true friend and he does not stop till he feels his heart, he does not stop till that dark heart beat becomes apart of his mind state and motions/ for the better this boy WILL change in the aspects of Gods love, he will not hesitate and be afraid he will look at the ocean and not see darkness he will see his reflection and see his light shine through, he will see his heart beat louder than a whale squeal, he will become the one outstanding piece in a puzzle he will cause love to be his motive and will not change that motive until love is being until love is seen in the opposite *** and that love shown is given on a wide scale/ he may choke in certain aspects or maybe all, but he will not change his being, he will become the boy who became a man for the better.........

No point in being hopeless because hopeless does not spell love and change/ hopeless spells hate, despair and endless pain/ it spills fresh water into an ocean and taints it much like the tainted people in our country and world/ like water we should flow endlessly and yet know where we stand/ Not overflowing cities and hearts but more so overflowing the space that could be dry, like hearts today they are dry in passion and full on lust and anger, desires that are only temporary when love from the one who gave us life and wisdom is forever eternal/ loving in God and loathing in God are two separate things/ to loathe is to envy what you cannot have and to love is to show what you will adore in due time and adore it you shall because that love is like water through your veins/ Weird to say, but blood is the water spilled in oceans and water is spilled blood on the world/ do not mistake one thing for the other, do not mistake water for lustful drives, do not mistake hate for love, and do not mistake whatever you desire for something you need/ make yourself better in due time because what you were yesterday is not who you are going to be today or in the following years or months/ take everyday with a smile and thank God for what you have and what you will become with his love and guidance/ do not laugh at pain but adore it for it is the one thing that adds on to the lessons and better days that will come/ like blood that flows in our veins, so will the hearts of man like water...........

Thought I could drink away all my sorrows in one night/
I thought I could forget about  the frontier of that fight/
I got caught up with all this that that small mistake,
took over my life/ Wish i never screamed at johnny my
only son/ Wish that I could have told him "live life kid, have fun"/
But only thing i told him was "GO AWAY YOU STUPID ****!!"/
And seconds later heard my revolver get clutched/ I ran to the
room n then before i could stop it i heard the gun bust/ It was the
end of my only son johnny/ I was stuck, my mindstate was on replay n
my heart started to decay/ i started screaming n' swinging, man i was in a rut/ ****!!! I grabbed the gun cocked it back n let the bullet run/ I felt the bullet pierce my sternum, n my body became numb/ I stumbled onto the bed n I started to bleed out, I started coughin up blood n then I started seein clouds/  I saw different things n those things I did not expect, I saw my boy Johnny n he said "dad you've failed the test"/ n then I said "Johnny what the ****!?!, why'd you **** yourself??!"/ then he hesitated, looked at me n he had said " depression hits hard when you've got no one to help you out, especially when what you've wished to come your way has left you in doubts!!"/ "so please take it with a grain of salt n learn to live like it's your last"/ lookin at the way my body was it just made me laugh, cuz I hadn't even peeped that that bullet practically hit your ******* chest/ so please take a listen n please give me a smile, cuz loving what you've lost is like hating what you could never bring.............

Call me crazy, but I do think you like me/
Its odd to see things one way and be
Told another/ Its a bother to think
Twice about someone who probably doesn't feel
some srort of way/ Its okay/ One thing
I would say/ But honestly my mind
Is in disarray/ That question has me speechless/
I guess from now on I should speak less/
Cuz' whatever i say or do is a cancer
Spreads/ Call me crazy/ But actually wondering
How to approach you was joke/ From the
Beginning I should've never spoke/
Im not mad/ But i must be crazy/ Cuz' I see
Beauty where no one else does/ But I
Won't complain/ Cuz' having to
Fuss over nothing is like a game going through
My brain!!!!!1

desires only asked for through the weak/
we wish for what we cant gain through the streets/
these wishes become our only goal/
so we start from the crumbs as the bread unfolds/
even though we always meet a dead end/
we still push through cuz' our dreams have been cushioned/
by the time our dreams get crushed/
we turn to the gangs and these other ordeals that might help us/
we put our trust where our mouth is and we let it play out/
no father figure, no mother to trust the words out our mouth/
so we succumb to hate n' dying love/ we let our guns
talk for us/ and don't care who gets caught up!!!