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John Bartholomew Sep 2024
I still wake up every morning, hoping this paraplegia has left me
Spinal paralysis a condition, with no get out fee
To walk, to run, even kick a football for fun
Are dreams I still crave, when doctors say I have none
But the brain will always desire,
for that day as I grapple and *****
As we all have our dreams in life,
and mine will always be that one thing,

Hope

JJB
What being do we serve
To gasp in their name
That one in a million
When they're all just the same
Oh my (blank)!
Oh my (blank)!
Oh my (blank)!
Who do we offend
With this blasphemous outburst we send
That we're all so under the kosh
We now all shout
Oh my Gosh!

JJB

#FORGODSAKE
John Bartholomew Dec 2019
Arriving like a flash of pure light,
A buzz,
A whiff,
A, look at me, I'm not here just as a gift

Momentous,
Crucial,
Pivotal,
Names I have plundered, on a Sunday morning call

Historical,
Far-reaching,
Consequential,
Fateful, all in a book, no author may dare claim

Evidenceless,
Timeless,
But always on trend
Oh Lord, how can it already be the end?

JJB
“Disbelief held me down inside my footsteps, making my body heavy but my heart wild.”― Markus Zusak
John Bartholomew Jan 2019
Ahem (in your own head)
...........
"AHEM"
Scan your crowd, over the top of your glasses if possible
Tough?
Could be
Depends on who read the resume
On who knows what
On who knows who
On who knows you
This could be a breeze depending whats on offer
Are they here for your wit or for the real thing
This long winded corporate speech, I'm not here to sing
They look like they are tetchy
Some even nonplussed as this is anything but fetching
How to wow a crowd in 5 minutes without sounding preachy
Revert to Powerpoint as a distraction technique
I'm trying to give myself here at the height of my peak
To anyone of any faith, Christian, Muslim or Sikh
The whole point of me being here is to sell my goods to the crowd
I'm here to teach as my product is at its best
You've seen the others all fallen from the same nest
Now look at mine with that extra bit of wow, pizzazz and zest
So this is the part that come Au Natural and you cannot teach
I need the people in front of me in awe and at my feet as this is,

How to Write a Speech....

"Hello....."

JJB
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. – Max Lucado

Build something 100 people love, not something 1 million people kind of like. – Brian Chesky

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.  – Albert Einstein

The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.  – Bruce Lee
John Bartholomew Oct 2024
We all tick to a different tock
Couples match but some are odd socks
One loves opera the other heavy rock
From Indie Bripop onto hip-hop
Out on a Saturday,
She in jeans
Him in her frock
We all get on by any means given
And that's just it my friend
Got to enjoy the life we are livin'

Human

JJB
John Bartholomew Jun 2024
Hunting like a velociraptor
Easy prey to bed and capture
Decent of man in the realm of a no good
Devouring the weak like a ***** given free food
Snarling like a lion on the bones of his carcass
The weak lay still,
out talked by this circus
This kind of man kills all will and promised light
To the bewildered and weak,
who have given up on they're daily fight

JJB
I
John Bartholomew Jun 2018
I
I am me and nothing else
I do as I please and **** the rest
I can be selfish but also a really nice chap
I speak no ills and cut out the crap
I want to be loved but can go without
I want to be in town but I live far out
I want the perfect job but sat here with a dream
I had it all in my head until I hit the real life screen
I look at the celebs and wonder just how
I cry myself to sleep with the sweat on my brow
I want to be everything that I am not
I wonder why we are given these dreams in a chase where we all one day stop
I wonder
I ponder
I dream,
Man do I dream.

JJB
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. – Oscar Wilde

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. – Bernard Baruch

You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do. – Eleanor Roosevelt
John Bartholomew Feb 2022
A two for one bargain but is it really worth buying?
Let me have a think, yes, I am England
His new girlfriend seems nice but I prefered his exe's likes
Let me ponder this change, as, I am England
His greatest goal he ever scored but in a one all draw
This can't be the case, hmm, I am England
Our men once ruled the waves but now dwell in their mancaves
Again, sadly, I am England
We once told our jokes and the birds to grab their coats
Now not a whimper, we can't offend, I am England
Saturday on the terrace, baying for blood, to the opposing crowd
Now, keep it down, not so loud, I am England
With a backbone and more front than Brighton Beach
You can't say that, it's out of our reach, I am England
How times have changed, from the sensitive to the utterly deranged
The lefts have taken the rites, yes, I am England
Comedy was a laugh but now is an early bath
Citizan Khan to Mrs Brown, God, please mend this, I am England
We once soured like an eagle, now a drip like treacle
No losers just a runner up, this has to stop, I am sadly England
A photo taken of nearly every meal eaten out
I'm starting to think we all live in doubt, I am England
Yet you cannot say a thing incase of somehow offending
Again, hate this to say, I, my friend, I am long lost England.

JJB
John Bartholomew Nov 2022
Reassigned
Renamed
Revolving still in the same way
Where night is still night and day is still day
I am now seen as a lower grade of pay
For once I stood big but now I am small
From the heights of a man
Oh, how the mighty do fall
Words cannot describe such change in life
You adapt
Quick wit
As sharp as a knife
I like to keep in and be that one-man show
Yes, I am still that guy, that guy you all know
Just watch me change, adapt, succumb
For I am that evolving planet,
I am Pluto.


JJB
John Bartholomew Jul 2018
I started out with nothing,
just a million bucks and flying **** attitude,
a family business already in the run, rents in Manhattan to the man on the street, dude

A degree in economics to taking over Ms World,
every real man’s fascination,
hey, let’s give it a name, something catchy, yeah,
The Trump Organization

For Trump is a name, a brand,
such fame and is never to be forgotten,
he’ll have it sewn into golfers clothes, courses around the world, even up in wee bonnie Scotland

Women from around the globe,
Ivana to Marla now married to the stunning Melania Knauss,
sure she knows his real views buts prefers the money when being this intransigent fools spouse

The telly roles came flooding in,
from Zoolander down to his own The Apprentice,
America’s branded self-made billionaire,
oh what a little lie that really is

Time to move on with a business
that was now becoming a bit of a bore,
only one step left to take,
US President now mostly hated to the core

His views on foreign aid and the Mexicans infuriating all
keep them out, they’re stealing our Yankee jobs,
so let’s build a big ******* wall

Who else is going to sweep the floors,
wash the cars and keep the lousy jobs afloat,
the American economy is built on these,
can’t see Chad or Hank jumping into this boat

He continues to rock the boat everywhere he goes,
wiping dandruff from Emmanuel Macron shoulder to upsetting those he doesn’t even know

Kim Jon-un and the whole of North Korea,
he took on the Rocket Man,
now they’re are best mates, he stopped World War 3,
hell they even shared a beer can!

So how long can this last before the mask slowly drops and his plans are scuppered by all,
the pensioners and the hillbilly’s all took they’re vote,
a Republican who wants a world wide brawl

For this is the land of the brave and the free,
a vision well received way back in the fifties,
but times they have changed and the world's a bigger place,
still in by 2020?

But the world loves a trier,
God knows this is true but one with a better plan,
for some of his policies have hit the spot but dare we leave this world in his hands

Yes he is funny, almost comedic in parts,
but trust him to pull this thing through?
his policies are stubborn, childish in truth, for he sees it as this,

I can so I do

JJB
‘I have tremendous respect for women’ - Donald Trump

“An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud” - Donald Trump

“Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.” – Donald Trump

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”  - Donald Trump

This man effectively runs our world - John Bartholomew
John Bartholomew Feb 2019
Judgemental?
Yes
A car that hasn't been cleaned in ages
It makes you think
Their driving?
Gonna be bad

You step in and already the signs are negative
A mess of untold takeaways, how do some people live
11 Magic Tree's all hanging from the mirror
On the passenger seat their food, an old McDonald's wrapper

CD cases shoved into the depths of the car doors pockets
From Jane McDonald onto Steps, please God, just stop it
Penny sweet wrappers all mixed with their mint Extra's
On the back seat a GB map and a DVD of Michael C Hall in Dexter

I start to wonder what the state of their house really is
Not Hoovered for weeks, stinks to high heaven with old food in the fridge
But let's not stray as they might actually be a surprise
Jumps in, no seatbelt on, no, this really is a pigsty

Whacks it into first, revs right up, let's skip that trip and put it in third
Who teaches these people the way to live in life
Did their parents skip a growing up class on how to live nice
Or maybe I have morals that sour down to being too pleasant
Were nearly there, just a quick ride which I'm starting to wish I hadn't

Getting out I thank them for their generosity, until next time,
She replied,
"Don't be stupid son, I'm your mum, your always welcome for a free ride!"

Think I'll try dad next time

JJB
John Bartholomew Jan 2021
That shining light we both once had
It trickles to a dim flicker and into a fad
I would try and make these words loving and long
But like my love for you a hapless worry
Now unconvincing and just gone
Its so true and yes, Christ yes,
I'm sorry

JJB
If.
John Bartholomew Jul 2024
If.
If it all just ended now, I think I would be happy
Not stuck in some retirement home, surrounded by adult nappies
If I won the lottery, I'd be a real big spend winner 
Flash cars, piano bars, and no doubt a terrible sinner
If I went out fishing and didnt catch a single thing
I'd treat myself to cod and chips, just smiling at what couldve been
If I happened to be dating Claudia Schiffer or any supermodel
I'd wake up from my dream and order a blow up version from Yodel
If my cat spoke perfect English, I'm sure he'd swear like a sailor
He'd be in every film as the next best thing, I'd love to see the trailer
If,
If,
If,
Life is a daily grind of ifs and buts
As we crawl through our days with the bruises and cuts
Sometimes its good with an ending of lust
But until that day, it's knowing who and if we really can trust,

If.

JJB
#if
If.
John Bartholomew Jun 2024
If.
If I won the lottery, I'd be a big spend winner 
Flash cars, piano bars, and no doubt a terrible sinner
If I counted every pound I had spent
I'd now be a millionaire without a **** care
If I had asked that girl out at school how would my life be different
Live the life I lived or taken to the cleaners and now be poor and skint
If I had taken up acting would I have been the best James Bond
Surrounded by fame and the pick of any black, brunette or blonde
If I had eaten my veg would I have grown up a little bit taller
Or are these just tales of our parents with dated foods in the cooler
If I hadnt taken time with my trade and learnt on the tools
Instead of spending a pound and winning the pools
If it all just ended now, I think I would be happy
Not in some retirement home, surrounded by sick and adult nappies
If
If
If
If I didnt have such a typing stutter
I could have done something in this time that probably, and really, matters.

JJB
John Bartholomew Oct 2019
If the BBC...
Knew how we all really do talk in the car,
Of our real opinions,
Our views,
Of what we think of certain people in life,
How our daily chat is embroiled in what they don't report,
Our loves that don't include politics,
A real box to tick,
Who we hate,
Who we really do rate,
And who should go into that next big seat at No.10,
Then the BBC should speak to the man on the street,

The British builder,
The factory worker
The delivery driver
The plumber
The average office worker
The struggling student and not those whose parents have money
The small towns near Grimsby,Bristol and those in Newcastle
The real man
The Nine til Five and then the Seven til' Eleven
The every penny earnt and still they are struggling

If the BBC actually reported on this,
Then this would be the real Britain they would be showing,
Yet,

JJB
I get...

Flustered
Stressed
Dressed
Impressed
To cry
The Beatles
By

Pull your socks up,
there are better days to come

😁

JJB
John Bartholomew Oct 2020
From the jacket on my back to the shoes that I walk in,
I got nothing
From the dreams that guide my day to the reality that makes it sway,
I got nothing
To the wind that touches my skin and to know thats all that's been,
Still,
I got nothing

When do I start again to feel that I have a purpose
This world pandemic and its claws with this killer virus
Just to wake up and to feel again normality
To hold and touch a strangers hand
Not to feel it a vulgarity

#nobodywantsthisnewnormal

JJB
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
Avoid it.
No chance
Swerve it.
Done that.
A purpose to the day.
Don't die
Sniffing so close at every second you play
You crossed a road. Tick
You flew in a helicopter. Tick
Jumped from a plane for charity tied to another man. Tick
You even held a python around your neck just to impress the kids. Tick
So what you got left then.
Bring it on.
A disease just because the others failed
Take me from the inside and leave me decrepit and frail
Yeah?
Is that all you've got?
Coming in at another angle to rid me of my life.
A losers choice as you're out of options.
Come on.
You've been practising for an eternity for this day.
Something a bit more manly to rid me of my stay,
You don't scare me as I breath my last breath,
You faceless, soulless, nothing better to do with your day coward,

I laugh at you death

JJB
"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, but to create something that will." - Chuck Palahniuk

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” - Mahatma Gandhi

"I'm not afraid of death. It's the stake one puts up in order to play the game of life." - Jean Giraudoux

"Death is the last enemy: Once we've got past that, I think everything will be alright." - Alice Thomas Ellis
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
I have colleagues and people that do
Have known a bestie at times but none of them are you
For we see things in an alternative and a make believe life
Where no one answers back and our life is just right

You laugh at my misgivings for you share the same exiled humour
Random thoughts as one, we share our friendship as it is but a rumour
We lose our own imaginary land in a life which is controlled by real life borders
As a made up friend can do no wrong or be taken over by fraudsters

As you are,
A text I cannot send
A cut that I cannot mend
A story that cannot trend
A night out where I cannot spend
For no other words here that I can lend,
As you are my,

Imaginary friend

JJB
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. - George Carlin

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend. - Richard Jeni

I had imaginary friends and even they were mean to me. - Olivia Wilde
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
(Sometimes, It's hard you know, being this **** good looking)

Cute since a baby and on through my teens,
kids on the street asking where had I been
Realising once at school, the girls all now a flutter
Some of them knowing they're just no good, go date that kid with the stutter

For I am talk of the year, the boys wanting some of the action
Not in a way of fancy or love, just for the girls to have a reaction
A riot on his first week called freshers, talk of the town in his uni years,
Sleeping around, knowing who's with who, he knows he'll fit right in here

5 years gone, a first in his topic, so popular no matter what he's done
Time to grow up, whats around the corner when leaving this fun

A model like wife, 3 kids and CEO at Nike,  one of Gods special people
And then it creeps up, a story of such luck, his situation as sticky as treacle

Uni funds all corrupt, a loophole in what he hadn't figured,
Some things you really shouldn't trigger
Was a good idea at the time, his 3 friends didn't mind, one over on the Government, it doesn't get much bigger

But that wasn't to be, 6 months in would be sore, just for a little tax evasion
Up in court, 2 years was the score, this really wasn't part of his equation

Cheekbones chiselled with the looks of a model
The wing leaders gather round, excited in a huddle
He had heard the stories of what could happen being trapped in prison,
But seriously guys,

I'm just too good looking (for this to happen)

JJB
The prison life of the past looks in our own time like liberation itself - Christopher Lasch

Prison is a socialist paradise where equality prevails, everything is supplied, and competition is eliminated - Elbert Hubbard

Depression is a prison to which you have the key except you never think to look for it - Kevin Hearne

Being in prison for seven years was like being in an army that never drilled, never deployed, and only fought itself - Raegan Butcher
John Bartholomew Jan 2020
I don't know how to keep disguising the fact,
That when someone asks me how I am,
I don't like to say,
But,
OKAY,
I'm not OK

JJB
The first minute you're out to impress
The hair
The scent
The way you're dressed
The films you have watched
The traffic you have stopped
The firearms cocked
The time is now
The reaction needed is wow
The only thing is to work out is how

Impressions

JJB
John Bartholomew Aug 2021
I'm ******* at saying goodbyes
I'm ******* at using chopstix to catch fireflies
I'm ******* at emotions when I just sit and sigh
I'm ******* at love when all I do is cry
I'm ******* at my job when I just sit and daydream
I'm ******* as fishing when I want a whopper only ending up with a minnow or a small bream
I'm ******* at film endings when all is not what it seems
I'm ******* at most things,
but that's what makes life wonderful,
topped with a bit of squirty cream!

******* is just normal, trust me.

JJB
John Bartholomew Aug 2019
So its audience first
Hello
Scan
A quick joke
Scan
Chat
A short story
A heckle
I heckle back
Can I make you feel any smaller
I'll get your name
Your my go too guy
Another story
Racist maybe?
To an extent
Where am I?
I'm up north
Should be OK
Swig of drink
Gather yourself
Joke
A look to the clock
2 minutes left
Last joke
Walk off
Slight wave
Sit in car
Cry
When does this get any better
Drive home
#repeat

JJB
John Bartholomew Apr 2020
Some of us like being surrounded
Hemmed in
Pollutant by sin
Surrounded by these monstrosities
These towers of brick

Some like to feel more grounded
Breath the air
Escape that corporate snare
Hear the birds sing with flare
And live the life they call
In the sticks

JJB
John Bartholomew Feb 2019
I sit and think, is it just me?
I say a sentence which makes perfect sense to be hammered down again
I try to stay positive but my thoughts are never on trend
Sometimes I stray as this life's not all it's cracked up to be
I wander into my unknown, a place where I start to see
My thoughts and my vision see a different kind of light
It's just not one that others like, a mentality they try and fight
As I like another kind of state, where people are kind and free
Not the hang ups and the moanings all barking from the same tree
To hear a song and get its rhyme and rhythm
Let your mind settle, drift away in the clouds while I sit back and listen
Don't start with your patronizing along with those why's, what the hells and woes
Let go of those worries as well as the past, remember when I swept you off of your toes
Then you think back and there were good times that we once had
So why all the complaining now, times move on from the good to ever approaching bad
Maybe it's not you as this is how it's now spelt
It's the everybody disagreeing with you and what's right now, hence,

It's Everybody Else

JJB
John Bartholomew May 2020
I want to have sash windows
I want to have high ceilings
I want a bedroom with chandeliers
I want to have false feelings
I want a car that I can never afford
I want to watch you cut that cord
I want our kids in a school privately taught
I want to see the Queen, Knight you with her sword
I want to show my parents that I want
sometimes gets
I want to prove that you don't have to be
the teachers pet
I want to fly the world in a millionaires private jet
I want all these things scooped up in one big net
I want an easy life even if its legs akimbo
I want to prove its good even if I'm living in sin though
I want to keep my partner happy, if its for some extra giving

                       As this is all I want,

               I want a life (beyond living)

                                     JJB
John Bartholomew Jul 2020
Do animals think of reincarnation
To come back as an army of ants
Or its just us,
The selfish, we want more
Than this two legged, I rule this world,
Sensation 🤔
John Bartholomew Jul 2020
Do animals believe in reincarnation
To come back as an army of ant's
And conquer this land as our reclamation

Do dog's wonder who picks up our daily poo
Who walks behind us everyday
And cleans us up all shiny and new

Do birds start to think why we don't ever fly
Just all walking around and driving our cars
Whilst leaving the clouds alone in the sky

I do wonder a lot of things in life as I look up to the sky,
As when I do meet my maker I'll have a list
Number one, please tell me God
As we've always wondered,
Just why, why, why?

JJB
If a circle had a corner,
then easily it be found
But that would be like cheating,
Instead of going around and around
The rectangle,
that has a quadrilateral meaning
Two lines of different length,
I now have a sinking feeling
Then onto a square
Not much thought involved, to be fair
Pentagons, hexagons, heptagons
All of different sizes and shapes
Like this planet and its people
The genuine and the fakes
We all shuffle our feet on this Earths floor
Coming together on a daily basis
Our lives in a muddle
A complete Jigsaw

JJB
John Bartholomew Oct 2015
Was he a disciple or just a friend of Jesus
So many to choose from it carries on through the ages
Whether you hail from the sunny realms of Brazil as Juan
Or lead your life on the bus tops of Paris, showboating to the tourists as Jean
you are always just John

Did you see that goal on Sunday in Barnsley from Pedro
crossed in on a sixpence by that guy on loan from Bristol
Parading as the next man to steal the footballing thrown from Beckham
Just a council house kid from the block down in Peckham
again, just John

Kissing the Blarney stone an excuse for his gob
the banter the laughter hiding the rile in his job
that day in Ireland that Sean always dreams of
going back would be heaven, to find the girl he should have once loved
again, just John

The shores of Naples looking out over the sea
Ischia, Procida, Capri, the place he’d rather be
behind lays dormant, Vesuvius once angry
Pompeii, Herculaneum destroyed in its fury
now time to spread his net and look for new shores
only Gino knows it’s time to open new doors
again, just John

No matter where you are from
there is somebody like you just struggling along
troubles brew in every corner of this planet
don’t think it’s just you who really cannot stand it
again, just John

Difficulty is rife no matter where you seem to look
your boss is a grievance and you wish them long gone
but it’s not just you, it’s you and every other John
so I’ll say it again without a look in the mirror
I know your stress my friend because I am that man
yes that is me
I am just John
John Bartholomew Aug 2022
I ain't no runaway from some American bank job
Nor no fisherman famous for his cod
Caught in his Cornish trawler with just nets and no rod
Rumour was I had I'd slept with over a thousand little birds
All making me breakfast in the morning with a slice of lemon curd
But seriously man, I'm just some gimp who's always been a nerd
From books of Harry Potter to even Where's Wally?
A shop for one in Tesco with a half filled trolley
Quick dash to the car on my own, such rain without my brolly
I'm happy living on my own without all your baggage
Holiday for one, a lighter plane to fill, without your **** luggage
With such weight lost, no cakes or thrills, soup just made of cabbage
Tuning my senses for a day without your pain
Its a hard long slog of which we have to sadly retrain
But a belonging I must one day regain
#JustMe

JJB
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
Interrogation.  A question. A short story of what you have done.
Or not.
The truth is only known by one.

So you didn't see Francis Cooper on the 6th?
Although you had the date marked on your calendar?
Cancelled.
OK......OK
"Thinking"
Its just that Mrs Cooper's gardener said he saw your car that day.
On the drive.
For over an hour.
You deny this?
"Thinking"
No. No...My wife. My wife borrowed the car that day. Just a mix up
Your wife knew Francis Cooper too?
Yes. She does her nails every Tuesday.
OK.
"Thinking"
The Tuesday was the 5th I believe Mr Sanders.
"Thinking"
Sorry. Yes, she changed dates so, you know, like I say, just a mix up.
OK...... OK.
Slowly walking away,

Oh, just one more question...

JJB
"Listen Columbo, just for a minute how about we stop pretending that I'm brilliant and you're simple!" - Fade In To ******

Watch my hand, it's full of grease. This is my dinner. Would you like a piece of chicken? - Now You See Him

Oh, sorry Lieutenant I didn't recognise you. You look different somehow. Columbo with new coat : I've had a haircut. - Now You See Him
John Bartholomew Dec 2020
I step out
Scan the crowd
This is still new to me
OK, some classics to break the ice
They grumble
A few mumbles
And then I stumble
That one topical joke that fell flat on its face
Wether it be running, religious or race
This one sunk without a trace
Stick to the day job, this isnt for you
Some like you in spades, but only the few
But in life you have to give everything a try
Maybe not stand-up comedy
The shudders
The snarles
The stares
Wow,
Just watch me die

JJB
When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man. - Sam Kinison

Stand-up comedy is something that you have to strive to do, multiple times a night, every night, to be good. - Ali Wong

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer. - Dane Cook
Through tragedy
Through thick and thin
To reflect on what if's
And what might have been
Always raise your head
Above the parapet
Fight off those tears
That make you upset
Think of the joy, the tears and laughing
Never loose hope
And please,
Keep on Dancing

(Thinking of you)

JJB
John Bartholomew Feb 2018
Touring the cities of England and the UK
Back of a transit van, rocking up to anywhere that paid
The brothers Grimm and their trusty cohorts
Bonehead on rhythm, McCarroll on drums, Guigsy up to all sorts

That gig at the Wah Wah, King Tuts to be precise
Glasgow you beauty, **** the next show up in Fife
The man that found them, a mister Alan McGee
A Britpop revolution, all great memories

They came and most failed, that one gig on Top of The Pops
Menswear to Mansun and an array of rank haircuts where the seagulls did flock
We had the trendies in Camden all hanging around on their scooters with parka’s
Noel or Liam and that fella from Echobelly, anything to be famous and get on the telly

But then the times must end and it all turned a little sour
A few trudged on with an album or two, the Manics to Cast and the lyrics from John Power
Patsy and Liam had that cover on the front of Vanity Fair
Draped in Britannia, divorce on the cards, strange how no-one now cares

Good times they were without a worry in the world and a now gone era
Euro 96, Southgate’s miss and those goals from Teddy and Shearer
A time well remembered and days I’d love to see back
If not only for the music but for the not caring and the unforeseen great craic

Not to hate the now as times move on
But a day in the past, served at seventeen and to claim you were the one
Not to be asked I.D. and sneakily drink that Stella
laughing at the bar, king of the blaggers, not to be served again by that same fella

Before the phone and the apps, we used to meet face to face
Girl at the bar, a bit of blarney and a home number to suit, always up for the chase
Do you ring tomorrow and who’s going to answer
Her mum might be alright, but her dad could be a ******!

I couldn’t imagine doing it all again now
Swipe left to say no or right to give it a go
Seems inhuman to me not to spark up a chat
But maybe that’s just me, stuck in past, I’m just old hat.

JJB
A sphincter says what? - Wayne's World
John Bartholomew May 2024
Kids don't care what you look like in the morning
Your hairs a state, you're running late, and the toast is taking up a good time yawning
Kids don't care if their dinners mostly ****
The beans are cold, they'll do as they're told
As long as they can play with Monster Truck
Kids don't care if they missed that role as cameo
Just to play in the park, until it gets dark
Straight home for sausage and mashed potato
You see, Kids don't care if playing and just happy
A quick game of tag, whilst mum's chat with a ***
Then off to bed after watching a bit of telly,
Because...
Life is simple in the eyes of a child
It's as we grow older
We complicate the wonder for the monotonous working wild

JJB
John Bartholomew Apr 2020
Who would have known you was of a different sort
Paying for some fun I normally wouldn't have bought
Ten sheets to the wind it was then I found your toy
Well how was I to know that you was still a boy
Perfectly sculpted cheeks and lips you could die for
When I woke in the morning some parts still pretty **** raw
What was I thinking then out of my mind
I just wanted some way to really unwind
Now looking out at the sea, regrets, cocktail in hand
But, you know, what happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand

(You only live once)

Ladyboy

JJB
“I'm not a woman and i'm not a man, i'm just a thing with ******* and a *****" - Stuart Francis

In order to plant the Gospel, we must take risk. — K.P. Yohannan

The dog sniffed at the bonfire like a ship with a wet nose docking at a foreign port. -Mgru — Stephen Moles
John Bartholomew Jan 2024
Dad always said you're either a MOD or a Rocker
Well after a few years of choosing I decided on the clobber
Pin stripe suit and a nice comfy parka
Not some grease monkey, slicked back hair, who looked like he'd not seen a bath yet
I preferred the music, the beat, the soul
They liked grit, the grind and the ***** rock and roll
And then came the final choice in which world you did bounce
Vespa, Lambretta or a Triumph to ride, unannounced
So did I look the hard nut sat on my BSA
Or do I look like Mr Cool, thinking I'm Mr Ace Face today
Trip's down to Brighton for a fight on the beach
Before having our breakfast at an all you can eat
Those were the days where you could really have a laugh
Then a trip back home, best have my tea and an early bath
Stick on an album by The Faces or The Who
Then up early for work, into town, first Clapham via Waterloo
When nothing too much mattered and the world just seemed easy
Now the odd word out of place sends the offended quite queasy

JJB
The good old days
#modsandrockers #vespa #lambretta
John Bartholomew Apr 2023
Dad always said you're either a MOD or a Rocker
Well after a few years of choosing I decided on the clobber
Pin stripe suit and a nice comfy parka
Not some grease monkey, slicked back hair, who looked like he'd not seen a bath yet
I preferred the music, the beat, the soul
They liked grit, the grind and the ***** rock and roll
And then came the final choice in which world you did bounce
Vespa, Lambretta or a Triumph in a way to announce
So did I look the hard nut sat on my BSA?
I'd rather look like Mr Cool, thinking I'm Ace Face today
Trip's down to Brighton for a fight on the beach
Before having our breakfast at an all you can eat
Those were the days where you could really have a laugh
Then a trip back home, best have my tea and an early bath
Stick on an album by The Faces or The Who
And up early for work, into town via Clapham then Waterloo
When nothing too much mattered and the world seemed easy
RAF target on my back, nice shiny shoes, that's how you'll see me.

JJB
John Bartholomew Mar 2023
Growing up
Not giving a ****
Those days I really miss for the kick
Not rightly thinking
Out all night drinking
Not a care to who I hurt or what I did
Stumbling home from Batchwood
Just fifteen miles to Watford
Please God just send me to bed
Now in my forties
So much time just plain naughty
Never acting on those dreams I had in my head
All I need now is that final dance
To prove that I really do stand with such emphatic stance
And to banish those acts and to get rid
This is no begging letter
Because I know I can do so much better
Just one last chance to ride that horse I fell off as a kid
Into the setting sun
Where you can watch me as I run
Take flight on adventure,
into my final bid


JJB
John Bartholomew Apr 2020
It's just you,
the known world has vanished,
abandoned cars with no one to drive,
you thought this day come you would ****** and survive,
but you didn't think it through

I don't even know how to make fresh bread,
swallowing hard all those words you once said,
does petrol not just come from the pumps,
and where will I drive now this world is in slump,
I really didn't think this through

The films all said there would be a beauty on the horizon,
to live my life and carry on surviving,
but these streets are empty and I'm feeling the cold,
for this is a story never to me told,
I need to think this badly through

What foods will carry on forever,
and what to eat now as the date says now or never,
am I really alone in the world and how long can I last,
as this really should be written down, portrayed,
by those in the futures passed

Last Days

JJB
“If you live each day as if it were your last, someday you'll be right.” - Anon

“Hold my hands; kiss my forehead, hug me and look in my eyes; maybe today is the last day you can do this.”― M.F. Moonzajer

“If today is all you have to live, what will you do?”― Lailah Gifty Akita
John Bartholomew May 2023
Costa and Starbucks are closing down our pubs
Now rubbing shoulders with those I hate, from the ones I used to love
No dartboard or billiards all playing our simple game
Now who has the latest Ipod or laptop, as they've just rushed from the train
A shout of Roger, Rihanna, down to this coffees going cold!
To paying over six pound a drink and not a care once sold
Company credit card all the way, no thought to the petty cash kitty
Looking up, the old pub tiles still grace the brick built wall, oh such a forgotten pity.

Last orders!

JJB
John Bartholomew Apr 2021
This is neither poem nor query
Just a thought on that last final theory

What does rhyme with that word we know as death?
As the world finally stops turning and man sighs his final last breath

Our brains won't let us dig that far as it scares us to our wits
Go on, give it a go, you'll just come back in bits

It's the finality that our God's will never let us try to think
For we never know of that final second that just leaves us on the brink

Life is so sacred it cannot be loaded like a Commodore 64 tape
Its to be lived once, fully loaded, not in bouts and in breaks

So what is your last question before you step through those holy gates?
After this life are there any more, as I'd like a few more goes at those awkward first dates!
John Bartholomew Jun 2021
Game face that's been all for show
Twisted arms when the wind still blows
Lost leaves on this dying breeze
No noise
No snivels
Not even a sneeze
Lonely stood in a desert field
Waters gone nothing left to yield
God's will to breed a human race
A silent tear rolls down his face
So what's next in his tricks and branding
To outdo,
his,
Last tree standing.

JJB
Spike Milligan's epitaph includes the phrase Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite, Irish for "I told you I was ill"
John Bartholomew Jan 2020
A little to the left
A little to the right
Hell I think I've seen all our sins
Looking beyond all what might have been

We lean a different way everyday in life
Depends on what has been giving you trouble and strife
I'll vote Labour one day and the Greens another, prey
It's all who has the best policies in all of what they say

My favourite actor, footballer or the car that I might drive next
All different decisions on what hasn't got me vexed
For our minds do blow on the direction of our inner winds
As a politician you were great now look at their dastardly sins

Again, a lean to the left when all is good and proud
A lean for right to get it off your mind, a shout now heard so loud

Whatever way you lean it's good to get it off your chest
For only you can decide which way to lean,
And do for you,
What really is for the best

JJB
There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

Winston Churchill

Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall.

Stephen Covey

I've been to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It's a tower, and it's leaning. You look at it, but nothing happens, so then you look for someplace to get a sandwich.

Danny DeVito

If you are not leaning, no one will ever let you down.

Robert Anthony
John Bartholomew May 2020
A fresh start
Pieces to build
I've found a new heart

What segment fits where
You look
It's love
Just don't stare

Excited
To build this fortress of love
Each block just falls into place
The odd bit missing but who is to care

Segmented
Dislocated
It fell apart all to easy
Blown with the wind on a day too breezy

A castle isn't made in just a day
We build
We love
We hang onto what they say

I feel I go in way to gungho
And that is why it always falls apart
These days I see life in a different light
Keep calm and relax
as,
Love is like Lego
(it always has a new start)

JJB

#italsobreakseasily
John Bartholomew Jul 2019
Snap!
And there it all went
Life
In the crack of a bone
But I hadn't kissed the girl of my dreams
I hadn't scored that goal for my football team
Left or Right I never knew which way to lean
This cannot be that, it has to be more than it seems

Nope

So that's it. All gone. It's over?

Yep

But I had so much more to give!

Do it while you can then kid, cos you ain't coming back

****

JJB
John Bartholomew Oct 2022
What rhymes with Life?
Not a lot
Strife?
Knife?
Yes, and there it is
It stabs you
Dismembers you in time
Cuts you off from where you want to go in line
Every job I had was wrapped in slippery butter
Just couldnt hold on as I left with an obscene mutter
For I will always try and fail
As forever chasing my own tail
The label I will go by will always be a chancer,
For,
I am sorry my wife, my family, my friends
As I am seriously running out of good answers

JJB

:-(
John Bartholomew Nov 2023
Mr Bartholomew - it's unlikely you will ever walk again 

Hard-hitting
Forever sitting
A life too young for me to be fitting
Twenty-seven and I just swerved heaven
Who knows if it's a place I'd get in
We've all done naughty things
But not too much to dance nor sing  
From six foot five to me now hardly seeing
Now to contemplate me forever being
Self-evacuation, front and rear
Uncontrollable accidents, my biggest fear
The loss of real friends and those who can trend
An easy decision to make to those who wouldn't watch me mend
But life goes, Jeez does life roll on
My amazing wife and daughter who I adore
Who gave me fresh life and opened closing doors
But I won't go all soppy and repeat as a bore
For life is an adventure not a governed guided tour.

Life Goes On

JJB
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