a planet of nothing in the middle of nowhere
material out of focus
spread the lines farther apart to see more clearly

all that i've ever said to you, to some degree i've meant
and most of what i've chosen not to share with you served a purpose at the time
this was one of the colder winters, anyway

all the radiators broke so we made weapons out of them
and fought amongst one another
so that we could say we tried

And it's pathetic
And you're incessant

Cleanse the wound but disregard the preference

You're anesthetic
I'm apathetic
Clears the drain, but clogs up the septic

I wish you hadn't done that
(I wish I didn't do it)

There's no place like home

my favorite
thing to do is pretend
that i don't exist

my hobbies include
waiting
and counting blades of grass

some goals that i have are
to tear the fabric of my flesh apart with a ball of wire
and to get a job

I hate my body more than the events that define it
I don't want to be ******, as long as you don't touch me it's okay
the sky is dark and I plead for the rain after an infinite drought that causes my stomach to rupture and turns my tears into phosphorous drops only to be ignited by the rampant heavenly downpour

Oh my god is this it I ask openly as I inhale and exhale, slowly enveloping myself in fumes from my ruptured appendix and my crooked spine, growing like a plant that needs guidance to maintain rigidity

How long will it take for them to realize we are just
animals

Parts of my body can be harvested to fix what has been missing all along
The same parts of my body that plot against me, even when I close my eyes
Are the ones they'll use to "fix me"

"Don't you want to be normal?"

Normality is more foreign than the word could even suggest
If "normal" fits into your story world then I suppose I'll tag along

My genes are sequenced against me, upside down and in reverse
I experience love through methadone filled mouth syringes
And a poisonous aftertaste that will not go away

most of it is green or pink
and swirling or falling
as two colors would if you let them go on a canvas or something but
they never mixed

dentist clean
that is the cleanest you can ever get

my stomach is in knots
sour and burning

your third eye is bleeding
my stomach ulcer just exploded and created a galaxy

if you want to eat fruit
you need to watch the seeds, carefully

Taking
but not
talking

Waking
without
walking

Refuse the abuse
and return it to sender

Gearhead
Gearhead
Gearhead
Gearhead
Oh my little
Gearhead
What you've grown
to be
Gearhead
here for all to see
Gearhead
judge accordingly
Gearhead
Gearhead

Look at my inside
are they good enough
for you?
The city
is painted
and named
after you
You don't need a disguise
the way you look will do just fine

Gearhead
Gearhead
Gearhead
Gearhead
Oh my little
Gearhead
Gearhead
what you've grown to be
Gearhead
here for all to see
Gearhead
judge accordingly
Gearhead

Look at the boy
Look at the boy
comin' down the chimney

Look next to you
See whose on
The evening train
With you

A message
for the faint of heart
or weak stomachs
that go
on and on and on forever
on and on and on forever

Goodnight my friends
Goodnight my friends
Be well
I bid you a grand ol' farewell
and condemn you all to hell
condemn you all
to hell
condemn you all
to hell

Look at the boy
Look at the boy
Look at the boy
comin' down the chimney

Look at the boy
Look at the boy
Look at the boy
coming down the
chimney

We deloused it
so we could stare at it
we vaccinated her to
remove potential pregnancies

the only reason to participate is ultimately to remain calm, and in sight

the sky cracked open
to reveal entire nothingness

what did you expect?

off the map
off the grid
forever not home

the essence of the relationship is parasitic
why pretend it to be anything else?

very appreciative, cultured and astute viewpoint there

i ask if you account for Buchenwald, interment camps, sweatshops, and the nuclear bomb laying in our backyard

you say no and come inside

fall symmetrically
like pins in my throat
my pincushion body will not withstand the storm this time
and i will be gone for a long time

cowards
stomach made of tar
acidic and empty

offering an end where there was no beginning

everything I touch
will
turn
to
ashes

tell me that i'll be nostalgic in your mind
an untold euphoria

sitting on this bench
alone

i got overwhelmed and got rid of most of it because i was overwhelmed

my life got too bitter
so i yelled at trains passing by

my life got too sweet
so now my sister is a ******

my life got too sour
all of my aspirations are coated in xanax

broken legs approaching the podium
lost in open water
stranded in the emergency room
with a four inch dislocation
and wasps burrowing into my intestines

like a dog in heat, panting
always

I ain't a friend, I'm a foe;
I am an enemy, oh

My carriage
is made of wood

My horses are drawn and quartered
I will cater to your fastidious command
I'm not doing anything suspicious
because

I ain't a friend I'm a foe;
I am an enemy, oh
(I ain't afraid of a fool;
I am an innovator)

This back
will never carry the weight
I will always lose my place
I'll never be late
Did I mention that is one nice sword?
Can I see it for a second?

I ain't a friend I'm a foe;
I am an enemy, oh
(I ain't afraid I'm a foe)

I am sick
after lunchtime wine
If I encounter the divine
I promise to challenge
I would never lie to you
because

I ain't a friend I'm a foe;
I am an enemy, oh
(I ain't afraid of a fool;
I am am an innovator)

I ain't a friend I'm a foe;
I am an enemy, oh.

fighting battles over grudges i'd forged with myself
talking to myself on the sidewalk
outside of the motel

when the police finally did arrive i said nothing

full blown crotch rot
it was a bad case this time
said they hadn't seen anything like it in years

my skin was melting as they put me under
my blood ran molten hot through my veins
a rush of blood to my head made me

break the restraints but they tied them up tighter this time
here comes round two of the boys and their pinwheel powered electric chair
can the human body withstand such voltage, moreover, can I withstand such voltage?
you can never be sure

so what's going on here?
anyone determined a possible
motive or suspects yet
the guy across the street is looking like a potential candidate

the guy waters his flowers and trims his hedges for a living
he throws some sort of odd fertilizer on the ground and then he walks inside
his shirt is discolored at the bottom from sweat and potting soil, some would attest to the fact that he wears the same outfit everyday, kind of scary if you give it some thought

or maybe the transvestite that moved in a few doors down
i suppose you never know what they're up too, huh?
it's all very confusing and i need a lot of help

let's go get coffee

Puncture wound, when pressure was applied to the chest cavity, it collapsed; the streets were blistering with heat and buckling with weight, his head was full of an unidentified substance, the noose was tied and  the body supplied the weight, their job was done; the silt of a lifetime of nightmares coated the frontal lobes of the body's brain, the cave was opened indefinitely.

My thoughts are
throbbing migranes with corresponding images

I am asleep underground and it is much safer
You call your attorneys
and I'll call mine

years before I was born are the most difficult to forget
and in turn the most arduous to forgive

I liken myself to a criminal
trafficker
burglar
thriving off my skin
bathing in my own chest cavity

each day I wake up
and my cells **** themselves
at the point of full collapse
my dendrites and synapses abide

when I look back now on
years past, things that have been said, or done, or not said, or not done

I realize
there is no leaving
there is no going
there is no running
there is what is left
and all that follows

intention to medicate but
that didn't work
you touched my hand, right by the scars

i cut my arm clean off
i don't want scars

the entire left side of my body has atrophied to a critical point where my muscles will no longer support my bones and i have broken inside okay i have fallen apart inside entirely by my own doing and it isn't even a matter of fault for me at this point  so much as oh my god i ******* loved you how i loved you

how are you preaching?
with your teeth broken

i can draw lines all day, where i please and when i please
and the lines mean nothing

lit a cigarette
i tried to send you roses but
they wilted as i touched them

many ******* exist outside of your body but only if you let yourself experience them
for how much i enjoy cutting the wings off of butterflies, i never want to be an entomologist

I am so sure you'll change the world with the garbage you incessantly spill.

I wonder why you care what they think of you, but honestly, I knew why before even asking.

There is no point in pulling the skin back if there is nothing there.

my skin is more of a vessel that captures steam
rather than that of an actual human being
count down the days until i evaporate
and you ******* loved me
and i tried
believe me i did or do not believe me it is of no consequence
do as you feel but
always remember that

Writing ****** screenplays and drinking tea with all of your chain smoking friends never got you anywhere
I make films with all of your friends
and I make their friends jealous

I want to eat your heart out of your body
I want to reconstruct you out of wicker and shards of pottery
The only time I'm free of it is when I'm not with myself

stillborn
strangled with a coat hanger
vacuum yourself into oblivion

an operation with the wrong instruments
a nod of the head
a turning of the shoulder

replace bones with kindling
exchange organs for red phosphorous tips
transfuse diesel instead of blood

like a dying dog on a cold night in the middle of the highway
laying down
waiting

my fingers have blistered as i can no longer harness the sun
warmth is foreign and intrusive
warmth serves to damage and even sometimes destroy

fill my tear ducts with sulfuric acid
monetize my emotions
bury me in a mass grave
dug for no one but myself

pump all of this salt water out of me
it has stained the roof of my mouth and
alters all the tastes and makes it a task to swallow

my mind syphoned its way out of my ear canals today
and spilled all over the boiling concrete
it smelled like brain matter and burning rubber

The one who ate the lights
Always in the way
The floorboards creak and sway
and the windowpanes shatter

The one who ate the lights
The one that got away
Tucking your children in at night

The one who ate the lights
Look whose telling you your rights
Melodrama is the middle ground
Can this life truly be found?

The one who ate the lights
Wasn't their fault at all
They'll never know the pain
or what it is to fall

The one who ate the lights
Laughing at our plight
but it might just work

The one who ate the lights
not yet accountable for actions

We'll all have to pay for it in the end

the ship was underwater before it could be properly evacuated
and i was drunk in the captain's quarters with a switchblade to his throat
he missed a spot when he was shaving that morning and i
offered my services

a spot on the canvas of my mitochondrial conditioning
my dendrites receive no stimulation as i laugh so i feel nothing as usual

crack my clenched teeth in a practice of proper response eliciting
reinsert the breathing tube and rip the catheter out of me
no

get that sound out of here and don't ever let me hear it again
you can close your eyes
you can close your fists
you can close your nostrils
you can close your mouth

you can
never
ever
stop
the
sound

today i saw fireworks
on the beach from
far away

lingering gunpowder clouded my vision
seagulls like it when you give them bread
but now i have a flock of birds following me everywhere i go

perched, waiting
as if to intimidate
not to extermine
but to evoke some sort of fear

this was my favorite vacation so far

the tragedy of restlessness
nightmares as fast as experience can be filtered properly
the problem of unrest is that it causes
one to see things that they might not want to

paranoia
induced by hypnosis
state of eternal and improper sleep

all fallen disciples without
discipline

like a horse with a broken leg
the only thing I needed to complete my extension has third degree burns now

all dead paratroopers
like rag dolls
no longer fearing the earth

parachutes serve as hospital gowns
as they sway from their individual hanging trees

it hit me at the door
the one thing that i would not be able to forget were the sounds
because i can close my eyes, stop breathing, stop touching, stop feeling
but there is no way to formally close your ears

so why not let the last five minutes be a waltz?

policemen aren't made of the same things as dogs
that's why they keep them caged

cigarettes are good for two things one is to relax and the other is to **** rats
tobacco killed all the rats in my apartment complex
nicotine soaked into my dumb ******* clothes, the same ones i wear every day you know
the rats that nested in my sock drawer couldn't stand the harsh nicotine yellowing of my white garments so they all died too
like little soldiers all in a row

if sleep is the cousin of death
why does it seem so infinitely appealing?

crimes of passion committed against the moon
when searching in the wrong realm
there is an urge to outsource your remaining affections

scars will never get through to you
how things are or what they were
my scars will never see through you as i want them to

with the sun comes heat
with the moon comes cold
unity of opposites
causes stagnation

infiltration of the human condition
knives with dull blades

save me
but do not help me
ever

the landscapers can hear it
the construction workers cat call it
even if they don't see

the laughing orator is drinking gasoline
the curtains have been drawn
I put on my hospital gown
and I do it

I have never seen my own face
Tell me what I should know

Crimson bursts from my sutures
The stitches dotting my spine dissolve and integrate themselves into what's left of the body's nervous system
I lay in pools of my own involuntary spew as I cackle with open eyes trapped in the depths of sleep

*******
i took a xanax for you
*******
turning in my grave

i want to prove to you that there is a hole in the earth
and a loophole in all of our laws

i got

Imagine yourself knee deep in floodwaters. Imagine yourself rescuing an old lady and her cat from a burning building. Imagine yourself actually living in a gutter.

Imagine a plane with no pilots. Imagine the moon, both sides. Imagine everything had changed; realize all of it has stayed the same. Imagine being drafted. Imagine war. Imagine the warmth of a room after coming in from the snow.

Imagine a grave, a shallow one, for me, or you, or no one. Imagine health. Imagine longevity. Imagine vanity.

With a knife to my throat, you ask my to say the alphabet from Z to A
With a gun to the head, you ask me to count the productive conversations between the two of us
Being that this hole belongs to me, imagine me lowered. Imagine dirt. On me. Worms, in my skin. Out of empty sockets and back in again through my ears. Forming a circle. Imagine me pounding, screaming to escape. Imagine red, blood. Imagine the end of the world.

*******, don't try to define ableism you neurotypical ****

angles of presupposed superiority
in floodwaters i am thrown to you

torched the abandoned barn in the middle of the woods with you last night
you said you'd never forget it but you'd try and i said nothing to you

I wish you would raise me like the daughter you've always wanted
Don't lie to me
I wish instead of broadcasting my name without my permission
You would listen to me for once instead
and have patience
and have faith