It's funny how i thought
i was good at hiding my feelings
but then strangers started asking me what was wrong
and why i looked so tired
and thats when i realized
you didn't care enough to notice

It's okay if I'm not the girl of your dreams
or the one you dance with at the prom
I just want to be the girl you think about 20 years from now
staring at your morning coffee
wishing that you hadn't poured so much milk in
because now it's too creamy
to resemble my dark brown locks of hair
or looking at the ocean
and having it remind you of the endless sea in my periwinkle color eyes
or walking by stores downtown on your way to work
knowing I would've loved that dress
I just want to be that girl

i. i will not compete with other people for your attention.
ii. i will not compete with other people for your affection.
iii. i will not compete with other people for your time.
iv. i will not compete with other people for your love.
v. i will not compete for you.
vi. you are not a prize, you are a person. you have agency. and no matter how fast i run, if you want me to win, i will; and if you don’t, i won’t. so, darling, i will not compete. if for you love is a chase, it’s not worth my victory.

i thought
that seeing my own bones
would let me love
the flesh that is my home;

so you’re right
this is not your fault,
but dear god,
how wonderful it would have been
if you had ever told me
to stop,
to stop trying to change
because you loved what was there;
how wonderful it would have been
if you had kissed my skin
and said you loved all of it,
boundlessly,
reverently;

instead
you gave a voice
to what was already in my head
every time you asked -
“will you really eat that?”

i miss
being hungover
from a single kiss;
i miss
how your smile
could make my world spin.

I’d like to think that you haven’t fully moved on from me.
and that my name is still prominent in your vocabulary.
That you think of me when you see my favorite book
or turn around when my voice seems to travel to your ears
Maybe your heart still misses a beat when someone asks about me.
And maybe I’m not the only one whose mind wanders back in time
over
and over
again.

You could ask him what he wants
He would say, her
You could ask me what i wanted
I would've said him
But wanting isn't enough
You can't ignore me
Avoid me
Distance yourself from me
But still say you want me
I'm trying to be happy now
I don't want you anymore
So don't say that I do
"You still think about me"
I do because you ruined me
I'm sorry your mistakes broke your heart and you blamed me
but you shattered me
through months of ignorance
on a year long journey to **** a girl
and keep your hands clean
When i put my faith in you
you were unfaithful
don't say you need me
when all i needed was you
and you ran away.

Remember that day in the furniture store?
We looked at pillows and chairs and dining room tables.
You promised me that we would come back and buy all that furniture for our tiny apartment.
You promised me forever.
And I should have told you what I was thinking.
I should have told you not to give promises
you couldn’t keep

Bad timing
Countless mistakes
Endless regrets
Too many tears
Insecurities
Excessive feelings
Blaming myself
Numerous ‘what ifs’
No closure
One year
One guy… who changed everything

I know you keep thinking that you were the only one that was broken but let me remind you that it must’ve actually been a pleasure to have only gotten your heart broken while my entire being and world got shattered in pieces when you made me insecure for being who I really was, when you made me feel guilty for trying to become more myself. When it was like you locked me up in your heart and I wasn’t allowed to leave it, making me feel isolated and fragile like that little girl I fought so hard to not become again.
So just because I didn’t cry my eyes out, just because I didn’t stay in bed for days or weeks; doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the pain you felt, if not a million times worse, because I felt that pain every night before I went to sleep and the person hurting me was still right there holding me like I was a prisoner in his ideal world.

Sometimes I need you
Because I’m not just like anyone else.
I’m the girl who’s on the bathroom floor crying her eyes out while she’s looking for the reason she’s feeling this way.
I’ll push you away and tell you to come back.
When I say “please don’t call”, I’m telling you to pick up the **** phone, call me and tell me you love me.
So sometimes I need you, just like you need me sometimes.
Difference is that I’m always ready to catch you when you’re falling while you’re already turning your back
the second I’m thinking about jumping.

I love my scars because
They're all mine.
They are my history
Recorded on my skin.
They are my history
That i don't want repeated
They are a reminder
Of where I've been
And where I don't want
To return.

Once upon a time
there was a little girl
with all the potential in the world
until one day she discovered
the horrible truth about it all
and decided
she wanted no part of it.

The worst loneliness
Is when your alone
In a room full of people

They're not the ones
Holding you back.
You blame it on their
Expectations.,
But really you're just
Scared
To be something other than
What you're used to.
When really,
You could be,
So much more.

Sometimes you must
lose everything
just to find yourself
again.

The hardest thing about leaving
Is deciding what it is
I want to forget
And what it is
I want to remember.
Because sometimes,
The good memories
can be deadly,
too.

When were we taught that
We have to wait for someone to save us?

When were we taught that
We aren't strong enough to save ourselves?

The reason people die without being content
with who they are
is because they don't
live
long enough

Why did you have to go and
Be so perfect.
Why did you have to go and
Steal my heart.
Look what you've done.
You've made me care.

We always talk about
How things were before but
Before is never coming back,
No matter how badly we want it to.
Before is stuck in the past
So we need to let it go
Before we get stuck there too

You looked at me like I was the world
And you were just truly seeing it
For the first time.
And after that look I knew
I would spend the rest of my life
Searching for someone who could
Make me feel that way again.

Sometimes at night
I'll be laying in bed and
It'll just hit me.
The fear
Hits me like a ton of bricks
And suddenly
I can't breathe
And there's
Tears
And nothing in the world
Feels right anymore.
And then once i cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning,
I feel like a new person.
And I'm not scared anymore.
I just have to remember to get through the night, because everything seems better in the morning.
I just have to remember that the fear is temporary.

I rub off my makeup from the day
And look at the real me
It's the me that I don't let anyone see.
I wonder when this became normal,
When i learned that the real me
Isn't quite good enough
and really never will be.
I walk around in public
And see all of the beautiful girls
I'm surrounded by every day
I often have to remind myself
They are all wearing makeup too;
I cannot compare their made up faces
To my bare one.

That's when i begin to hate myself
I hate myself for only seeing the
Beauty on their exterior, when I know
There is so much more to people than that.
I hate myself for comparing myself to them,
I hate that it has become normal,
And i hate that it has become normal,
And i hate that every one else does it too.
The day we learn to look past each other's exteriors
Is the day that everyone else will too.

There's this kind of unexplainable hopefulness that comes with not knowing what your future holds. It's like anything is possible and anything that you do could set off a long series of events that take you to some amazing place. Like nothing is a coincidence because it's all leading you to that one moment. That moment where it all hits you. This is what you want to for the rest of your life. This is your future, and your almost there

I can feel myself slipping
And I'm trying so hard
To hold on
To the good

But my past
Is holding me back,
And I'm not sure
I can recover from it.

I'm drowning
In sadness and fear
Again.

The biggest mistake you can make is thinking romantic love is the only type that hurts. Because a friend's judgmental looks can feel like a stab in the gut, a parent's disapproval could make you feel worthless, and a siblings backhanded compliment can feel like a smack in the face. No matter what kind of love it is, you open yourself up to that person. And as with any kind of love, it is those people who can hurt you the most. Loving people is exhausting. And loosing friends you once loved can hurt more than anything else in the world.

We spend most of our lives
Missing things
And people
And places.
Because you never know
What you have
Until it leaves you
And then you miss it
As if you actually
Appreciated it in the first place

Life is so much more than what is happening right now.
Life is so much more than where you have been, and life is so much more than where you are going. Your life is the sum of your past, present and future. Not one defines you

one of the worst feelings, it turns out, is the ache of loss for something that is not yet gone