She doesn’t write that much anymore.
The flame inside her slowly burnt out.

She didn’t know how to swim but she loved the ocean.
She once jumped into it, not thinking about drowning.
But she was too eager to get to the bottom.
Death didn’t bother her.
But the fear of emptiness. She was scared to find a empty space below.
An empty space she thought was to fill her up.
With anything.

She’s desperate. She know she wants to do something but can’t
Maybe she can, but how? How exactly can she do it?

Through words on her paper and through her head.
She quietly whisper a familiar name.

Long forgotten.

Yet, it helped.

I don't know if I just don't understand how my folks raised a failure like me.
They have given me alternatives of things I wanted and needed.
They have provided me with things and emotions unnecessary for my well-being.
They have planted a bomb inside me...
...and it's about to explode soon.

They've put a seed of anxiety inside my head. Telling me it's nothing.
Telling me I am just overthinking about things and just making a ****** drama.
Telling me I'm not even good at it.

They've water and took care of the little seed and now, it's starting to bloom.
Bloom with tiny leaves called depression.
And the next thing I know...

...it has taken over my head.

The vines has spread and wrapped my whole body carefully and this ****'s tight. Tighter than the last time I cut its thorns.

Slowly, it's growing in me and everything became toxic.

I am not becoming the flower they wanted to be.

I never bloom like before.

All I am is a cocoon. Wrapped in my own depression and anxiety.

Mom, Dad...
You think you're so perfect. In every consequences of your stupid ideas, who gets to sacrifice? I do.

Who gets the blame if they messed up and affected a very big part of my life? I do.

Who gets ****** by the world and always gets left behind? I do.

Who gets up every morning feeling ****** and feeding with your "Words of Wisdom" that NEVER makes sense? I do.

And by that,

You taught me to never care about myself.

Never to care about anything at all.

Thank you.

daming alam//

habang sinusulat, nakaupo sa sofa sa sala, nag iisip.
bakit ganun?
sya pa rin?
ewan, palitan natin.

bakit nga ako nagsusulat?

san ba to nag simula?

siya kasi //

siya nanaman.

makwento ko lang sa inyo ang pinagdaanan ko noong isang taon at pitong buwang nakalipas.

ayos lang naman sana ako.

masyadong makulit, mapagbiro, maingay.
pero seryoso. //
di man halata pero, oo... kahit papaano.

siya naman,

masyadong madilim, yung tipong pag sa anime,
siya yung si senpai na di ka mapapansin kasi tahimik lang siya at gusto nya palaging mag isa...

pero gusto lang nya sana ng tamang taong makakasama.

doon ako pumasok sa buhay nya, dun ko ginulo ang mundong hindi ko sinasadyang wasakin.

kung dati rati'y screamo at ******* lang na musika ang bumabalot sa kanya,
nadagdagan yun ng matinding impact ng bunganga ko at malakas na halakhak.

kung dati rati'y mas matipid pa sya sa intsik ngumiti,
nakikita mo na syang humahalakhak na parang walang bukas...

****, that smile.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

di nagtagal, di na pinatagal at nagtagal naging tayo.

Ang saya, ang lungkot, nagagalit ako, ikaw,
naaawa, nasurpresa, nasaktan, bumalik sa dating tayo...

strangers.

na parang di lang nating namalayang naging tayo pala?

//

tama na.

malulungkot nanaman tayo nang wala sa oras.

wala nang oras para malungkot.

dahil kahit anong pilit mo, di na mababalik yung oras.

kung saan, naglalakad lang tayo sa daan, tawa nang tawa,

napapaluha na sa....

*CTRL + A + Delete

Today was not the day to do the ***** laundry,
and wash away all the scent and memories attached to it.

Today was not the day to fix my hair.
Where my emptiness used to brush it's fingers and do something with my sleep.

Today was not the day to have lunch with sadness.
My parents invited me for some insecurities and judgement.

Today was not the day to spend the night with numbness.
I feel all the hurt and pain of... I don't know.

Today was not the day I planned on dying. At least, not yet.

It's just I feel like...

*...today is just not the day.