I can be such a phony
So fake, such a fake
I wish I could turn back time
The world wouldn't of got a hold on me
But it's too late now
The world is my master
And I'm just a slave to it
Better give in like I always do
And dream of a better view

I can't stand the pain
trying to wish it all way
it doesn't go no where
the feeling is still there

the darkness has its grip
it won't release its hold
feeling so tired of all of it
showing weary eyes

where did the joy go?
it was a part of my life
now it seems so dark
no light venturing in

where did the happiness go?
it was once a part of my life
now the battle within cries out
hoping to find the truth

there was peace in the mix of things
but now that's all a dream
there is only the feeling of being sick
existing in the mind of the bewildered one

Something is wrong with me
Can't figure it out
Can't put my finger on it
Swirl it around like an ice cream cone
All wishing has disappeared
Can't take another breath without hating
Something has gripped my heart
And ******* won't let go
What the **** is it?
I call it insanity
My mind aching with suicide contemplations
Wouldn't it be nice to do myself in
But I am such a ******* coward
So I guess i'll live this struggled life
And keep ******* about it
Woo, woo!

I cut myself
so I won't cut you.
I watch myself bleed
and it hurts me
to think you got one over me
I cry myself to sleep
and let the blood drip
One more cut
One more feeling high
and I dream
of how much I want you to bleed

Do you see the scar on my wrist, it's proof I'll try to-
Die again? What happened to all of this, into the-
Tunnel I go and nothing can save me from this sin.
Can't you see my pain, it's written all over my face?
The darkness has it's hold on me and I don't want-
To let go, rather I want to fall from grace and take-
A moment to return back home. Crying out again,
The hell I've caused myself seems like it's never-
Enough, I look backwards and there was always-
Something, something to rip at the seems and there-
I sit quietly making myself bleed.

I'm not sure you are proud of me
I'm trying my best I hope you can see
My life isn't the way it used to be
I'm living it as though it's my last
Day alive, it ain't perfect but I'm
Blessed to have what I have,
Knowing full well it can be taken
Away from me in a blink of an
Eye. So many things that happen
In this life that are tragic, it's too
Short to always be in the gloom
Need to rise up and know that
I Can't always change the doom
But I can live my life in the here
And now, smiling a little more,
Grateful for the people that are
In my life.

I have the cards of life displayed
On the table, the ace of spades
Has come up many times through
Out the years on this earth. I've
Tried to listen to the wind,
Ever telling me not to go down
A paticular road, but my instincts
Ran wild and I chose the wrong
Path, trying to get away with
Something, ever being the selfish
Martyr. I wanted your attention,
Your pity, hoping that you will
Feel sorry for me and I would
Justify my actions, saying that
It was just "boys being boys"

I can't stop the madness,
the sickness inside my head.
there is just way too much sadness,
so much fear and dread.
I don't want to be an adult today,
I'd rather hide or run away.
I don't want to play games
so much responsibility driving me insane.
I happened to blink,
years have passed by,
nothing for sure in my life,
except a handful of loved ones,
making me accountable to do what's right.
And there in the midst of it all I find
the courage to stand tall,
and break down these walls.

Blood splatters as I run this blade through
Your heart explodes with red liquid running out
Drip, drip, drip, I want to drink your blood
But wouldn't that be too strange?
I don't know, just wiping this knife with my handkerchief
I stare into your lifeless eyes, wondering why
Wondering why you had to push it too far
All the mockery and making fun
You had to push me to the breaking point
Now you end up with the devastating result
I'll end up in prison forever
But I still made your face an expression of shock
Thinking you can really get away with everything
The answer has been my blade in your heart
Now you probably wish you never said anything
Now you probably wish you never did anything
But it's too late for all of that
Might as fall down and just bleed out and die
Sorry you had to take it too far

It's funny, oh, such a tragedy
The mind is in a horrible disbelief
The pain greets me at the door
And I'm forever lost some more
It shakes my hand and smiles so deviously
Breaking the boundaries of insecurity
Bedeviled by so many emotions
It's hard to find the key
And open up the beauty inside of me
Not so much worried with impression
But longing for the right expression
And cast magic upon the road unseen

I make myself ******* sick
There is much to say and do
I look into the mirror
and I want to break through

Find out the real me
The me I want others to see

I'm so ******* selfish inside
I want to break the chains that bind
Cast away the hopeless pride
And find a new way of life

The world can't stop me now
The time to change is now

I want to be focused
No distraction my way
It feels like forever
Since love came my way

I look into the mirror
Now it has become clear
I was always thinking of myself
Never once did I think of someone else

I want to think about you
what I can do to help
I want to break through
and find my real self

The night is beckoning for me to give in,
waiting to curse me with these temptations.
I try not to open the door and let these demons in
but it's easier said then done, and hope is a sin.
I wish upon love, knowing it comes to everyone
sooner or later but it seems like it won't venture
into this heart of mine.  I want this love to reach
deep down in my soul and expel the evil inside.
I pray like hell, trying to keep alert, knowing
I don't want to go backwards and cause more hurt.
Righteousness is just a dream for this man,
not knowing which way is up and always looking
down into the depth of this broken canvas.

I can't believe in me
Don't know what to say
So many words are racing
Through this crazy mind
I don't know how to face the day
If I wasn't such a lunatic
I would be alright
If I wasn't such a freak
I would be able to understand me
Right now I'm just trying to get by
And find a little hope in the day and night
Is it out there, a reason to live?
I look up into the starry sky
And wonder who made all of this
I have searched for the answer
Only to backslide down an empty road
I don't want to continue this ****** life
No, I want to be happy and free
I want to be saved from this broken heart
It is in shambles and ripped apart
So many tears waiting to be cried
I want not to feel this anymore in my life

Your weapon cuts like a knife,
deep and sure, a piercing through the heart
I am your victim, a casualty  of words
they go flying, straight to my head
Mean and unjustifiably wrong
Now I wish myself dead

Can I cry into my pillow,
the emotions I have are great?
I just want to blow,
and be rid of the heaviness in my chest.
Days are filled with hatred,
each one wondering why.
The more I hear I want to ****,
**** the person wanting to wreck my life.

This is the end of you,
the more I see your face I want to destroy;
break **** and tear **** apart,
but I would rather take these hands of mine around your neck,
and choke the very breath out from your eyes.
You are the one setting the course,
creating a death sentence of your life.

I burned myself because of the pain,
I wanted to feel the physical instead
Of the emotional. I wanted to hide
Away, escape the anger, the frustration
I turned inward and felt the insanity.

Is it destiny that has you in my life
Or is it just pure luck
I count the days we've been together
And wonder who really gives a ****
Are the stars aligned in our favor
Or is it just blind faith
That keeps us moving forward each day
Would people congratulate us
Is it really any if their concern
I feel it's better to leave it to trust
And keep the world at a distance
Watching our crosses burn
And make it worth while
To feel the power at a glance
Letting others know it is the way it is
How that happened can only be by chance
Or is it more than that

There goes
a crackling sound
the cans exploding
going down the wastepipe
The screams
The yelling
The fighting
What was this to be
it isn't hard to see
the tears from your eyes
wanting a better life
not the one you're in
you could of have never predicted this
it sure as hell wasn't on your wish list
It wasn't your dream
of being with a man like me
hearing the sounds
of cans opening constantly

The affliction is baffling
Overwhelming thoughts appear
Nothing is sacred
All I can feel is fear

Can't break the cycle in my mind
The soul cries out for relief
Racing thoughts are there all the time
Self-pity hasn't ceased

The intention wasn't strong enough
Ruling myself with self-hatred
Cracking a smile is rough
Wishing there wasn't any dread

Judging myself with tear stained eyes
It just so happens that self-pity reigns
Wishing I can turn back time
And forget about the pain

It's pointless trying to fight
The darkness has a hold of the heart
The hell inside can't reach for the light
And save me from the torture inside

What a complete ******* I have been, treating the one I loved the most like ****, hurting her in a way that is inexcusable, taking away the place she called home and we were united under one breath. Too many things went on, another person came along and I chose to uproot her life by cheating on her with this person. Why did I choose such a path? Did it come down to ***? I can't pin-point my sin or sins but nevertheless it was wrong, the road I chose lead me to hell and back to hell again. Karma has a funny way of finding me when I'm doing wrong, when I'm doing things that aren't right to the universe. I wrote this woman a nasty letter while she was away for a little while, paragraphs of **** spewing onto paper just because I had a belief of a life not going right with her but it went okay when we were together. The other person was a mistake, lead me straight to handcuffs and a life of complete turmoil. Why did I go that route, only God can explain it to me because I sure as **** can't.

Feeling lost
Alone
Afraid of what might be
Trying to find a place
A home
In this ******* world
No turning back
Must find myself
It's hard to get on track
When I wish to be somebody else

I want to be you
Cause you're really smart
I want to be you
Cause you're good looking
I want to be you
Cause you''re rich
Reaching out for answers
Ain't life a *****?


I can't find a clue
I can't answer the riddle
I'm not going much of nowhere
What the **** am I doing here?
What's the use anyhow?

I can't put you down
you've been a part of my life for so long
everywhere I go, I take you along with me
never once thought of any other way
Everywhere I go, I take myself along
Wouldn't it be nice just to drift away?
Has it been a problem?
Yes!
But it feels so ******* good
and that's why I can't put you down.

I reach out for you but you're gone
Vapor of loneliness hides the mask inside
I can't even dream of a better time
It's such a dark era in my life
I hurt so badly and just want to die
But the pain helps with the insanity
That goes through this mind
I hear only a faint whisper of you
And the rest of the sound disappears
I can't help but wonder where you are
Do you wonder where I drifted off to?
I see the dandilions waving in the wind
The smell of fresh cut grass tickles my nose
I fear all has passed away in the twilight of reason
And there is not a soul to touch this broken season
Cast out of the streets of happiness to a ghostly kind
Taken stock of what craziness one will find
And the threshold is an open book of words devine
But all is lost from the moment this thought perks up
And takes form into the very essence of dark light

I gave in like you knew I would
Empty feelings left abandoned
Loneliness take hold of me
And I fall far from grace
Sick and tired of this place
Once again I'm blind to see
That something takes a part of me
And I'm left holding the bag so to speak
It isn't easy trying to behave
I've given way, stuck in pain
And had a hundred people torn to pieces
Their heartfelt cries I leaned on
But nothing truly rescued me
From the hell I put myself through
It was you all along, making it right
Setting me free from my own ****
Now it's time to say thank you
As I trudge through the night
And cast out my own demons from it
I don't really know where I'm coming from
But today it's better than feeling undone

The time has been wasted
So much lies running amuck
It's so hard to live among society
When one doesn't give a ****
Who can give their attention
To everyone who needs it
That one can't decide the truth?
To come to the center of existence
Takes a bite out of me and you

Love, what the ****?
Am I only the fool who has no clue
What it truly is?
Is it forever being with someone
Knowing the flaws of that person
And still want to be with him or her?
I'm not for love, it burns like the sun
I have cared for and thought I was in love
But it was only a myth, a dream of a dream
I can only hope for it one day but the chances
Are it will never find a madman like me.

I don't know what happened, I was feeling down and drinking
Seemed like a good idea. I cracked one open and off to the races
I went, through another binge that I've been there before time
After time again, just me and my selfishness hurting the ones
I love, all because I felt like getting out of myself and change how
I was feeling.

Seeing my reflection was hard to reflect,
The pain I caused others I wanted to object,
But it was a reality just as breathing,
This hollow face that I was seeing.
The tears flowed from my eyes,
To think I was the one to cause the pain,
It wasn't much to forget about life,
And try really hard to run away.
But now I have to face my sins,
And try really hard not to do it again,
To do a 180 and find a different ninche,
It's shouldn't be that hard to find meaning and purpose.
I have taken so much out of life,
Reaching deep down in my heart is about time,
And find the courage to change my ways.

I"m not the same person I used to be people

Nothing is the way it seems, just a dream, trying to-
Run from the darkness but it grabs a hold of my-
Heart and makes me bleed. I hit the floor, it seems-
I'm on my knees, crying out but not being heard.
No one can hear me scream,  I'm making the face-
But no words are coming out of my mouth. The-
Demons in my head are talking to me, wanting me-
To give up the fight. Hell seems like it's following-
Me, I'm blind to see the truth, chaos bringing me-
Down, and it seems like everywhere I go I drown.

There is a fine line to draw,
or do I even go there?
Temptation has me in it's grip,
and I want so badly to give in.
It's one thing to look, oh do I look,
but it's another thing to touch,
and make matters worse.
Is it an evil corrode,
a thread leading to despair,
or will I ever know,
how much of a puke I am?

You ever feel like the world is crashing upon you
I surely do. It seems like I can't do anything right,
Say the right words to make things okay.
It seems like everywhere I go people aren't kind
They have their own agendas and they want to
**** any happiness I have and make me feel
Miserable likes they do. Well, **** that! They
All can eat **** and die! They ain't taking away
What I have worked o for seven months being
Clean and sober, not an ounce of alcohol or any
Drug. I'm taking classes to learn about myself
And the way I tick, most my problems come from
Past trama. So much anger built up inside of
Me from being molested when I was eight. It only
Happened once, a lot of people have deals with it
For years but it still happened nevertheless and
Really ****** with my head. The person who did
It was a family member and he is now a minister
Go ******* figure. Now that diffently ***** with
My head when it comes to religion and someone
Talking about God. But where I'm at right at the
Present time is a place I was pushed to. My
Girlfriend wouldn't give up her mom and move
Her to some place where she could get the help
Needed. She chose her over me, for two months
I kept telling her that if she doesn't choose I was
Going to move out. Well, needless to say she didn't
Quite choose anything but even not choosing is a
Decision. So I moved out and she can have her mom
The bad part about it is me and my girlfriend have
A daughter together. I tried every means to fix what
Was broken but my girlfriend just thought everything
Was fine. So I made the choice to move to clear my
Head. Though I miss my daughter tremendously.
I wish life was simple and everything could go my
Way but that ain't life and I'm not God. Now since
Moving here I have neighbors upstairs who are so
Loud it's affecting my serenity. Now I have to move
Out and find a better place where this **** doesn't
Happen. So here I am life, take me as I am cause
Apparently you want to **** with me.

The day has turned to ****
What is there for me to do
My attitude isn't a pleasant one
And I seem to take it out on you
Why don't you tell me to kiss your ***
It would stop me in my tracks
Tell me I'm being an *******
And I need to stop getting on your back
Just because I choose to be rotten
Doesn't mean I should take it out on someone
Tell me to go **** myself
Maybe that will get my attention

Enter me
The spirit rises
The gods are watching
float away in the raft
The water rises
The lands are close at hand
And rescueing me is a tribute

Burning flesh, hot coals of ember touching my face
I sit alone with death on my mind, wondering why
I can't seem to escape my own purgartory, a disgrace
The torment rushes on, as I try to understand reason
But nothing can be so tragic than the changing season
I stare into the eyes of the cold wintery storm
Watch it come alive and take form
There in the midst of the eerie feeling taken shape
I look out into the water and survey the landscape
Nothing is so cold than death staring back
The fire is no solution to the numbing eyes
Why all the insistence on finding my way
Words are doormat to the dark sunshine
death is knocking everywhere I appear
No matter what life is, it falls away and is taken
I've reached my limits to what is clear
And realize everyone, no matter who it is
Has to awaken to the idea that hunger, poverty,
wealth, are means to an end if we don't pull
together and fight the cold of the storm.

The day withers away
like paper to a flame
soon non-existence
and only the fire remains
Being enlightened isn't just a dream
trying so hard to find some serenity
years fade pass so rapidly
Can't forget about love meant to be
Holding onto one another forever in arms
knowing full well life has its harm
but togetherness protects the hopeful mind
and comfort comes to all in time

Feeling ******
Jacked
Burnt inside
Hacked
Coming back
Like a lightning bolt
Feel the jolt
The roaring thunder
So many blunders
It makes makes me sick
I can't make a to do list
It makes me mad
Why do I feel so bad
I seldom boast
It's all a ******* joke
I'll just sit here
Drink on this beer
Not knowing what to do
Just coming unglued

It's 4:00 a.m. in the morning
what the **** am I doing awake
I can't escape what I can't escape
the nightmares inside my head

I hear the ******* *******
it's the same ******* thing as before
telling me how worthless I am
cringing in the living room floor

I try to think positive
but the darkness has its ******* claws on me
negativity bringing me down, so ******* down
and there isn't a ******* thing I can be

I look at the time
two hours have gone by
lost in these racing thoughts I'm having
and suicide is looking pretty good

I just want the pain to end
why is it haunting me?
I feel no life, just dead inside
nothing ******* precious I can see
just a miserable ******* human being

It's just a waste of my ******* time
to be on this earth any much longer
I constantly think of a way to commit suicide
and leave this ******* earth and everyone in it behind

Too many lies I've told
just because I wanted to be liked
I wanted your friendship
or I wanted to get into your pants
I wanted that ***** really bad
and then I wanted the next *****
I never knew how to love
nor be respectful of any kind
one after another
it was just one big lie
I was never capable to stay
commitment? **** that!
I always ran away
Just spread those legs
and then get out
I never knew what a
relationship was all about
I told sweet promises
only to pull down those *******
What a ******* ******* I was
What a ******* joke I became

The world came from nothing
Ciphers into an endless darkness
No light, like when asleep, and there
In the vast caverns of the mind it
Holds nothing sacred to keep

But even I dream, dream of beautiful things
Things that I  hold dear to me, people I love
And around to see the beautiful things I see
They can hear what I hear and feel  what I feel
And it all makes sense because it's real

The cool breeze of  the fall
The changing colors of the leaves
The sun cascading it's magic upon the trees
Everything seems as it should be

Can there be anything so right
I can taste the dew of the night
See the waxing moon shine bright
And hope there comes another time

But through it all, what if I die?
Then what, where do I go from here?
The world aimlessly rushes to nowhere
And I am caught up in the hustle
The seeminglessly vast tyrant holding
Me by my neck, waiting for death to take me

Close my eyes, what if that's all there was
Just complete darkness, no thoughts
Nothing.

It isn't no surprise
That I am  confined
To live in a life
Of misery
I have to break
The chains that bind
And find
The beauty in the sky
Heaven knows why
I play victims to all
Of the lies

We sit so quietly
Looking at the t.v.
Listening to music on there
Letting the melodies ryhme
Why don't we have nothing to say?
Are we that insecure?
I'm too old to play games
That much I know for sure
It's a warm beautiful morning
And we're stuck inside
It rained the night before
So the ground is quite wet
We sit on uncomfortable furniture
And let the time pass by
Oh, how slow it is going
Because we have nothing to say
I like it when it is quiet
But this is too quiet that it is piercing
I wish I had something to talk about
But it's best to shut my mouth
And continue to listen to this music