Today I find myself comfortably numb
My brain has gone silent, my emotions feel dumb
I will find warmth in a Moonlight Sonata
In an empty room filled with no sunlight
I will tell myself to live, I’ll say that I’ve got to
But looking around, how does one live?
I hear a voice, it says I must protest
Keep your focus, do not digress
For sleep, from you, has been solemnly taken
Until you leave a mark, the world must be shaken
I have proven to you that you are not a priority
And to surrounding people you are rarely picked
You do not exist to the vast majority
And you are left to die, you are left to be sick
So you must force yourself to leave quite the impression
And the world will know it was you, nonetheless
Get yourself out of this depression
And give everyone what you have left
I found closure in the idea that I was free
But the one who was chained down, I saw it was me
I reached for a helping hand; I felt my left take my right
How beautifully remarkable, what an incredible sight
And then my brain began to defrost
How cold and lonely; I was no longer lost
Without myself I was surely deserted
The evidence cannot be destroyed  
And I made a promise, it can’t be averted
I have lived for too long in this void
How lovely you seem, how lovely you are
Your body has hidden most of your scars
So get yourself ready and get yourself dressed
Pick up your courage, pretend you are blessed

I am from shattering nebulas elegantly and casually dispersing through their own permission
From a radiating heart, the loving and careful core of my own planet adjacent to unnecessary humanly vaccinated waters filled with precious, undiscovered life and my dream filled possibilities of space, untouched and unruined by so-called establishment
To a never-ending sky painting my bedtime picture I share with many civilizations covering the world that I will never be able to explore
And in my next life perhaps I will live there and forget about the country I was thrown into from the womb; causing arguments I as one person cannot fix, especially with those I share land with, those who lay as oblivious as toddlers to the joys, the extremities of my infinite, boundless high hopes for change.
Not the kind our elected follower, not leader, promised; pouring from his ventriloquist mouth,
but the real change saturating my soul only witnessed by the eyes of my bonds, those I connect with, those who hear my energies and my sorrow for incorrectly evolved mancruel - no longer mankind

I am from the barrel of a twelve gauge shotgun separating both a man's head and myself from the only friend I ever knew
From a pent up animal lingering, tearing at my guts
And sore vocal chords in protest of my neglect, screaming in defense with the will of my first true name
To missed years of growing bones but never missed brain stimulation
And the thought, how does hate taste?
For as long as he lives he prays he will never see my aging face again

I am from a burned spoon and a powerful hand
From Rx prescriptions and the wrath that follows jealousy
I am from the feeling of powerlessness and unreciprocated hope portrayed through tears and bruises
To the understanding of what humanity should be, to shame and disgust caused by weakness and disappointment
As each year grows the space from my body and those who share my blood does too

I am from the jagged fingernails of every boy and man
Tearing away layers of who I once was
The cold, calculating wolf who still shows her face every so often...
Scarred beyond recognition
From the darkest room in the deepest corner of who I am
Bearing no sunlight, a flower grows - watered by the passion the raven delivers from a castle called "lust"
And although I enjoy the company of my demise, I await the man of my nightmare
For I believe I could never deserve a dream
To the twinge on the upside of their lying mouths
I am left with late night memories
That untie my poorly woven knot covered in distrust, anguish, and fear
I am my own worst enemy
And I condescendingly purr at every wound they engrave
For I know they'll receive two

I am from my imagination
From beautiful epiphanies and humorous gestures created by beasts
To the end of the fears and anxieties soon to be conquered
From unseen colors and storage units locked away with magnetic power stopping me to ironically keep me going
And carbine rounds of thoughts shake me affecting all three targets of myself
With this imagination I will individually co-operate in drawing a universe-changing picture absorbed by parading nuclei all pent up in an ozone of stardust, the pieces that make me

I am panic
Frenzied particles
Moving and shaping
Everything I seem to be
Inside of a
Concrete cage of consciousness
Inside of a
Dazzling dot and dye marked
Enigmatic epidermis
Here I am

I am ice cold
Frost bitten to the core
A bullet train made of sleet
Running on cyanotic cylinders
And the gritty grating salt
Beneath your cold, wet shoes
All at once
I dissolve and destroy myself
Yet I just keep
Coming back
Here I am

I am as satisfying as
The long winded palindrome
On the tip of your tongue
The redundant rhyme  
You chanted as children
And the hymn you harmonized
With haunted heathens
Here I am

I am the all encompassing embrace
Of all that you are
****** up futile flaws and
Autonomous awe inspiring anomalies
I will hold it all together
In the way no other has
My seams of love
Stitched and sewn
With intentions as pure as gold
And nothing else
Nothing more
Here I am

I am the writhing writer
Frantically feverish with
Fingernails like forceps
I pry these words from
My brain like a
Sickening surgical procedure
On a *****, disheveled mattress
As if they were
Ingenuities oozing with infection
Here I am

I am the ritual rebirth
Wrongfully righteous reincarnation
I tip and turn like the tides
Lurching at the shore
Time and time again
In an endless cycle I am
Looking for
Nautical nirvana
Here I am

I am the exceptional exchange
Of a daunting and diligent dialect
Only few can understand
And to those fluent
In my twisted and tiring tongue
I say
Here I am

I don't believe in romance
And chivalry is dead
I thought I found my soulmate
He thought he had my head

I don't believe in flowers
Not chocolates, or coffee, or tea
I don't believe in falling in love
I suppose it's just not for me

I met a boy in high school
He tormented my young soul
He tore away my innocence
And left me feeling cold

I fell in love with a friend
We weren't meant to be
And soon after he became twisted
He realized he loved me

I gave an addict a chance
Thinking he could change his ways
I spent a night in jail
Paying for his delays

I met a boy in a hallway
It was the first time I fell in love
He ripped the earth from beneath me
Hell with nothing above

I don't believe in romance
And chivalry is dead
I thought I found my soulmate
He thought he had my head

And through the thick dark forest
I thought that I found love
But looking in a mirror
I found my own white dove

Like an early morning fog
I feel this haze
Above me, below me
All around me
There is no sunshine
Only grey
All grey
This is where
You wanted me to stay
I could not live there

I could not scrub you from my skin
So I painted it red
Only red
All red
Just so I could breathe again
Not feel again
Be me again
Survive again

I could not wipe you from my eyes
So I painted them black
Only black
All black
Just so I could see again
So I could sleep again
It runs down my face
Like a race for my aching heart

You left this
Catastrophic pit
In my chest
I fill it with anger and smoke
It is all I know to do
Without you

Without you

I wake up
Without you
I open my mouth
And nothing comes out
Without you
I have to go on
Without you

An aberration
A moment of happiness
Of peace and all
That felt right
After everything
That was wrong
I should have known
It would be fleeting
But this is more
Than I was ready for

A ship cannot sink
Unless the water
Creeps inside
And I let you inside
I welcomed the whole
******* sea
Creatures
And monsters
I welcomed it all
And for the first time
I wasn’t afraid of drowning

It is love
That brought us together
And it is love
That will keep us apart

I worry for
the man who
will one day
want to love me

I worry that he
will not know
that my love
burns like the sun
and rages
like a storm
out at sea

I worry that he
will not know
that my darkness
is only temporary
and that it comes
from living
in an ever consuming
pitch black night

it lasted decades

I worry that he
will not know
my spirit
cannot be broken
like an animal
that cannot be tamed

it lasts an eternity

I worry that he
will not hear
my arrhythmic heart
it may sound like
a whisper
but it bangs
and slams in
these ribs
like the percussions
in an orchestra

it will play songs
just for him

I worry that he
will not hear
me when I
cry out to him
for I am not
transparent
do not look through me or
past me I
am right here
before you
with
universes to give

I worry that he
will not feel
the moisture building
in my palms
when he grasps
my hands
out of fear
that he will
never
hold them again

I will hold his
like others
hold a bible

I worry that he
will not feel
my head
against his chest
like the
safe haven
I have
finally found
after all this time

I worry that he
will not see
the stars that
shine in my eyes
when I look
at his face
like the world's
most wonderous
landscape

I've traveled so
long and so
far just to see it

I worry that he
will not see
the way he
can make
every muscle in my body
fall into a
meditative state or
electrify with excitement
with his presence alone

I worry that the
man who will
one day
want to love me
will not appreciate

that I am
a complete human being
with or without him

that I am
divided between
biology and whimsy

that I am
both the
sadist and *******

that I am
broken but
the architect

and that
I do not fall
like an autum leaf
I fall
like an **avalanche

There is an animal
that loiters inside of me
and it takes shelter in these
broken blood vessels
you left on my neck

It sleeps
on the words
you left on
my pillow

It is a guessing game
of whether
I will awake
to your silhouette
in the dark
peacefully, deliriously

I swear
in those moments
if I blink
you will disappear

So this animal
it must hibernate
out of biological
instilled and
predetermined fear
that I cannot make
you reappear
again

It is both the paranoia
of an
unmastered magic trick
that makes this animal run

and the certainty
I felt
when I opened my eyes
one morning
and realized

I had never
quite experienced
a ******* thing
that has
felt even half
*as good as you

How many miles stand
Between myself and the end of time
The edge of space
It crushes me like chasmic pressure
Dividing and devouring me whole
I am swallowed into eons
And digested into molecules
Like reverse osmosis of a soul
Stripped naked and clean and pure
Only to be
Dumped into a landfill
A waiting line
To start again, to try again
And this is
Where I meet you
And you meet me
And I witness our repulsive quantum entanglement
The one that pulls my discordant little heart
Straight into my constrictor knot of a stomach

I often find myself awaking
Into another dream
Of a dream
I once had
Where I was floating
In the water
There was nothing above me
There was nothing beneath me
It was an isolation of my incidental world
A realization of simulation
And then something touched me

I am stuck in this
Mariana Trench of universal consumption
Where something follows
And lingers behind me
Like a shadow that's not
Quite a shadow but rather
A friend
Or an enemy
Only time will tell

We are part
Of the same brush stroke
Made by the
Same artist
That we will never meet
Or know about
Until the painting is incinerated
And we become the same ash
The same particles
We began with
To begin with

I am an
Unidentified flying object
Up here looking down
At my reflection looking up
And all I see is
Nothing
And everything


And you are somewhere in between

I remember your cashmere sweater
Always soft against my cheek
As you brushed my hair with your fingers
And I would fall fast asleep

I get that you have a new life
You've replaced your baby with these children of yours
And I wonder how you will tell them
About the life you couldn't afford

I'm so glad to see you're healthy
No longer skin and bones
Your track marks have healed so well
But that skeleton was my home

I know you still think about who you were
Ash, you can't change over night
I'm curious how you will break the news
Or look at me and make things right

You were my mom when our mother escaped
And we were robbed of a childhood; forsaken
But I am still hurting, still being mistaken
Your halo is dimming, it was never that bright
You'll always be an addict living a fight

I'm happy we can have conversations
Without your eyes involuntarily shutting
It's sad that it makes me sad though
You're what I think of when I'm cutting

Your pedestal you placed yourself so high on
I'm watching as it's cracking
And you would be such a fool
If you don't think I've been backtracking

I've got these scars
I didn't forget
You are my nostalgia
I am your regret

I can almost see it
like a distant illusion
a nocturnal distortion
you, beside me
with stars in your eyes
like nebulas well disguised
and I don't know
the proper name for them

I can almost see it
like a premonition
of a self demolition
you, carrying the weight
of the world
as if it will make
you stronger
and I don't know how
to tell you
it only makes you ache

I can almost see it
or feel it
like I'm hugging your
bones goodbye
for one last time
but it's not crushing you
as it would crush me

I reference chasmic pressure
but I don't know how else
to call a void what it really is
home
I call it home
to wide eyes and slack jaws
they don't understand
there is comfort
in nothingness
there is a choice
in no choice
and there is a risk
in taking no risk at all

The old pope sits upon his leather throne
A sphinx by his side, he is not alone
The old pope has three children and a wife
They lived in his house, he lives in his home

His oldest daughter has his same green eyes
Interrupted with saline, she often cries
Her eroding cliffs have fallen to the sea
The louder his voice gets, a piece of her dies

His only son has his same rage
Fooled to live an old life at such a young age
He hates the old pope, he sees through his flaws
But the old pope always takes center stage

His youngest daughter shares his same control
A higher priestess, he drums on her soul
She is trapped in his cage, it is made of glass
Risking her life if she wants to throw stones

His beautiful wife shares her sympathy
She drowns out his snores, she drowns out his bigotry
Her voice like a mouse
His voice like a timpani

The old pope sits upon his leather throne
A sphinx by his side, he is not alone
The old pope has three children and a wife
They lived in his house, he lives in his home

The old pope will become sad at an old age
You can burn down your houses, you can burn all your sage
But his voice emanates from all of the walls

*To him we are chapters, and he, title page

I empathize with
The indoor cat who looks out
At what could have been

I am not a palm tree
I do not sway flexibly through storms
I am an old, brittle tree barely hanging on
My limbs have grown tired
My rings are one too many
And this final gust of wind
Will bring me to the ground

I would rather be stuck
Between a rock and a hard place
Than the rim of a volcano
And the edge of your cliff

Your hot breath foretold a story
On my neck, it jump started my bones
But now, it burns
And suffocates me relentlessly

I've filled myself with your hatred
And stored you beneath my fingernails
In anger, and in love
Either way, I consider them *****

I have shared with you
My darkest shadows
My brightest eyes
And you reaffirmed my beliefs
That neither have a meaning
If your foot isn't pressing down on them
Like an informal baptism

It is clear what this is
It is the domestication
Of a wolf, to a dog
From a dog

I am a dead bird
Sad to look at, yet nobody wants to remove me
It's as if they're waiting for me to be washed away into the pavement
Or eaten by a hungry animal
And over time they will see less of me
But my bones will still remain
And maybe someone will pick up my bones
Because people are strange in that way
*They want you most when there's almost nothing left...

I am the silence
I am the sound
I am the sky
When I am the ground
I am the body
I am the soul
I can be country
When I'm Rock and Roll
I am the rain
I am the sun
I'll be your safety
When I am the gun
I am the prisoner
I am escape
Trust me, I'm broken
But I'll be your tape
I am the ice
I am the fire
I am the hate
And I'm the desire
I am myself
But I can be you
I could be false
Or I could be true
I am the player
I am the game
I am the crazy
When I am the sane
So let this be a lesson to both you and me
I could be a spirit so careless and free
Or I could be serious, full of anger and hate
But only you can determine my fate.

logic is
the screen
through which
we hear music
with and
without reason
it just makes sense

only the holiest
of men
may enter my
church made of flesh
my backbone
erected like
a steeple
announcing itself
the way your fingertips do
between my thighs and
your touch up my spine
it feels like
the sound, the crinkle
of a fresh cellophane wrapper
leaving my mouth dry
yet wanting more
and the rest of me
forever wet, raw, and exposed

you told me
your strategy was
to divide and conquer
with a violent smirk

but i did not
let you defeat me
in this war

i watched you
lose control
with your furrowed brow
and your eyes
looking like hallways
leading to
my crawlspaces
you cannot
reach
my
foundation

you let my hair
sift through your fingers
like sand
creating electric shock
and white noise
but it had nothing
on us

when you watched me
i could hear
your heart
beating like
a ******* metronome
and your breaths
they sounded like matches
striking on brick

my blood does not
negotiate or
beg or
plead
it boils like
a raging
unwatched
***

your neck smelled
like the heavily loved
pages of my favorite,
oldest books
saturated in
my tears and
my sweat
so many times

and you loved it
because every inch
of me felt like
a lock
made just for you

and i loved it
because every inch
of you felt like
the key
that could finally
open me up

I will always be afraid of broken teeth
With blood in my mouth when everyone leaves
I have the tendency to bite my tongue
And I ask myself, "What's it like to breathe?"

To live life with ease is an unfortunate trait
My hands are stubborn when my mind wants to create
I still see your face when I'm barely asleep
I've screamed into foam to get out of this state

The vibration of jazz slips through my bones
My parents aren't allowed to leave me alone
I cannot wait to return to my jungle
After all, that's my only home

Apparently, my brain has been out of tune
My medication should be kicking in soon
That is the solution to this generation, right?
For the kids born ******* on a golden spoon

I can't lay in my bed if it's never made
I can't face my fears if I'm never afraid
I want to lead a revolution
I would give my life for kids to be brave

There are so many people that I want to defend
There are so many times when I want to pretend
That everything is running so smoothly
But I'm still praying that the youth will transcend

And while we're on the subject of praying
I am not religious, it's spiritual I'm staying
However, I will respect your views
Unless it's the innocent that you are slaying

I cannot organize the thoughts in my head
Is there really peace in knowing you're dead?
It's 11:04 on a Tuesday night
I suppose this means I should go to bed

If I could be anything I'd like to be rain
I could supply all the world and cause terrible pain
I could be a drop on my own or never be alone
And in falling I would feel no shame

I could try my best to make this world clean
And land on things human eyes haven't seen
I could flood the whole earth leaving no remains
Because I could be anything and I would be rain

I am depraved
I cannot be saved
And all the men who try
Always come off brave

I cry to myself
High up on this shelf
No one can hear me
I'm screaming for help

I am used goods
To men wearing hoods
You can always find me hiding 
I'm away in my woods

I am not dead
My brain stays well fed
But deep in my chest
There's a lonely bed

I am still scared
With you I am shared
And although I beg
I am still left impaired

I am not real
With a heart made of steel
But I am still broken
And my body won't heal

I'm sorry to you
And I'm sorry for me
For all of these reasons
I wish you could see

In my dreams
I wail and beg
For longing fingers
Like spider legs
They wrap and
Weave me
Like a web
I will sink in silence
To keep you fed

Oh self righteous
Smooth woman
Fierce and full of fire
You wonder why
You burn everyone
That comes close
Anyone that dares to
Touch your flames
And feel your wrath

Even on you worse days
You simmer like a low
Rolling boil
No one
Can put you out

What have you been waiting for?
To show yourself your worth
It’s been engraved in
Every decision you’ve made
You’ve broken your own heart
For the greater good
You have found pieces to give
When you had nothing left for yourself
You burn yourself out
To keep others going
And yet you doubt yourself

No, it is not that
You are unlovable
It’s just that
You can’t expect others
To stare into your sun
You are too bright
To feel so dark

You are on a mission
And when you’ve got
Your sights fixed
Ain’t nothing can stop you


Holy woman
Look into yourself and find
What is nobody else’s
******* business
Find it for you
Because she is there
And she is calling

When the night is dark
And full of pain
I hear your voice
I see your face
I’ve got the world to give
And nothing to gain
Love will lose
But not in vain

I do not shine like a morning rose
Though it is the thorns, not the petals you chose
And the wound in my heart, it grows and grows
What was once a fire must have froze

Instead I gleam like polished knives
A vessel at best that’s broken inside
I seem to see what others can’t find
And when we stand the test of time
I like to run, you like to hide

I toss and turn in my empty bed
Avoiding the spot where you laid your head
I brought you peace with the words I read
I should have been resting myself instead

I can feel your presence slipping away
And heartache is the price I pay
Where there is a will there is a way
I want to heal, you want me to stay

So I mourn over an empty grave
For what I tried but could not save
See, you like paths that are not paved
Just please
Do not get lost

And when our ties should finally sever
I tried to warn you
I’d not be here forever

She is all that is holy
A beaconing light
As gold as her hair
She is a force
To be reckoned with
More than
I could ever be
She is wonder
And innocent laughter
Beyond the years
She could even experience
She is the dancing flame
Too bright for this world
A compassionate touch
In a strange, numb existence
The core of the universe
The common denominator
The solution to all conflict
She is the sunrise and sunset
And every waking moment
Before me and
Behind my eyelids
Every decision I make
Holds a trace of her
Like a fingerprint
Left at a crime scene
Forever important
Forever placing her there, with me
She is the rabbit
You could never catch
The snowy owl
The mighty lion
The butterfly skipping between flowers
She is a rainfall of joy
And a tear drop of rage
And she is the moon
Oh yes -
She is the moon

Keep your head up, Moon Mother
For your day has yet to come
If you want to find the light
Do not go in search of sun
For it only shines but half the time
And you, are made of fire
Come night or day
You’re made of flames
And your warmth will not expire

Keep your head up, sweet child
For tomorrow brings new hope
You have climbed much higher mountains
You have slipped on steeper slopes
Yet here you are, and a force you are
You are what cannot be beat
With galaxy eyes and bones of stars
On your own you are complete

Keep your head up, lovely human
For your wounds will heal again
Right now it seems unbearable  
But this pain, it is your friend
And though you may struggle
To keep moving forward
Please, do not dismay
Look in the mirror, find your voice
I’ll tell you what to say:

What is for you
Will always find you
The words you speak
Will always bind you
What you suffer
Does not define you
They who love you
Will not confine you
Just keep going
Your heart will guide you

He speaks to me
In poems
I write about him
In dreams
I drift and dance
Aimlessly and enamored
Aside an amassed
Illusion of what
Should be there
It’s you
Impossibly palpable
Tauntingly tangible
It’s you
The rolling rumble
Of a gifted cannonade
I wear his words
And take shelter in his voice
He is a sweeping, blood red sunset
I soak him in
With a smile on my face
When others cannot look
I cannot look away
When I am hell fire
I rain into him
And he
Swallows me up effortlessly like
The calmest, deepest sea
We are bound
By what cannot
Be broken
In what we share
And words left unspoken

If it should be
An ambient glow or
A scorched earth
I burn for him

And if it should be
A soft summer breeze or
A godless gale force wind
He feeds my flames
He feeds these flames

I let you spend
One thousand nights in my bed
One thousand days in my head
But I have thousands more to give
And not a single one is for you

Walk with me
Into the unknown
Into all that
We as humans
Fear to walk into
Walk with me
I will not leave your side
Through that which
I have dreamt
That which you
Cannot see
Walk with me
If you must
Choose a road to take
A route to go
A sentence for your soul
I will watch you
Blind and unburdened
Take the wrong way home
Through thick, spiny brush
We will get lost
Passing daylight like
Precious time knocked
Off our lifelines
Walk with me
In circles, endless circles
Walk with me
Through the blame
Through the lackluster days and nights
Through the contempt and contemplation
Walk with me
I know you
Took the wrong turn miles and miles back
It was not in my power to sway you
From where your heart felt it must go
So I will take your hand
And I will still
Walk with you there

You are
The full moon
I stared at from a car window
As a child
On a long ride home

The sun beaten spot
On the floor
I seek, like a purring cat
For warmth

The foamy ocean wave
That stops just before my shoes
At the shore
Of the edge of the world

The exquisite fallen leaf
From an autumn tree
In the center of a forest
Filled with solitude

The smell of sawdust
Gasoline and
Damp basement

The crackling aftermath of fireworks
Cacophonous church bells
And deafeningly silent snowfall

The sunken benzodiazepine mattress
Disheveled hair brushed out of my face
A chronographic measure of a heart beating

The necrotizing infatuation of mortality
A dancer trapped and tangled in tissue
An oscillating fan in the summer night

The hand pressing down on my hip
Swishing of a brand new switchblade
Fibonacci sequence knots in fresh cedar wood

The polished stone between my fingers
A drop of black ink on eggshell stationary
And the soft glow of a night light

You are a collection
Of the best, unspoken
Parts of me

In my heart
A caged bird sings
It lives alone
With broken wings
She tells a story
Of what love brings
It’s an open window
Shut with golden rings

What is it
That separates you and I
A line
A galactic divide
I study it
With covered eyes
Sometimes narrow
But mostly wide
It is filled with flaws
That you can’t hide

And I know
It is hard
To accept that
The demons you
Carry inside of you
All share your DNA
Your face, your name
Yes, hope is buried
By sorrow and shame

Are we so different?
We point all the blame
At our reflections
Every day

It is time to
Break the mirror
It’s okay
To walk away

I sleep at night
for a tomorrow
I could not dream
would become reality
within or without me

it is and so
I finally know
that all is right
and I am home

before you and I
we moved the earth
and turned the tides
for those who
spoke and breathed
both afflictions and lies
through crooked teeth
yet still they smiled
at what they’d done,
to heart left defiled

but, we were not tamed
we are still wild

from the same spool
the world spins these strands
into a mess of a canvas
yet symmetry stands
divided by oceans
separated by land
exists all I have wanted
all that was planned

there is no “however”,
there is only an “and”

and...

when I think of you
I feel a word deep inside
my flesh and bones
that until now
I could not describe
using any language
it could not be defined
but it is a place
in the rawest parts of us
where we don’t have to hide
this is where we are safe
and our love resides

and...

we searched so long
both low and high
through the threads that
tangle, twist, and tie
for the light that seemed
it could not shine
in the fabric of
our long lost lives

and so we come to find
with shaky hands
and weary eyes
that all along

mine was yours
and yours was mine

I have tried to find you
On a map
In every direction the arrow could point
I looked north for you
I thought I found a sign, or a miracle
I did; a stop sign

I learned nothing in the irony of our class
I made a home for you
But it grew cold
And the rest of me followed

That was when I realized
The arrows I used to find you had feathers
They were curved so, I missed you

I could never leave a wound like the one you left
The one oceans apart in distance

We would drive in your car with no destination
You couldn't fit a ruler between us
Perhaps that was your motivation
Or why it felt so smooth
When your face went gray and old
And your teeth started to rust

How much dependability can you keep in a king?
Whose throne is made of plastic
Who feeds his kingdom pain
Who cannot see in color
He does not know when it is bright
His face does not illuminate
But mine does, and hers does too

My lips have lost the salt from your skin
But I lived, I lived
My eyes lost your seafoam green face
But I lived, I lived
My knees are no longer white
From begging, from praying

How wise I was to wait out your smile
It went from an inferno, to a night light, to a firefly
It left as a fleeing ember in the October air

Your eyes grew round
Like my belly, filled with the moon
And in them I could see a mouse hole
In you came, out you went

The depressing arch of your shoulders
They fell as if you carried the world upon them
What a fable they told
A lesson was to be learned

Your skin was made of clay
Free to change form
You always needed a mould though

I twisted a doorknob
It never lead to Wonderland
Everything felt impassable, everything felt impossible
With the walls you built around me
Yet you engraved my name on them
And said, "Look at what you've done."
Perhaps you are in Italy, New Mexico, or Spain

You always were
Below me and too far gone to reach

I set a blaze
To all the things
I tease and taste
Like twisted snakes
We coil around
Each breath we take
With the love we give
And the love we make
So you seize
And so I shake
Watch me bend
And make me break


It doesn’t count
If I don’t ache

I know
wherever I go
a storm brews
so like my morning coffee
I brew it
dark, dark, dark

I take pride
in this night vision
until daylight comes
and my eyes
swell with tears

for I know
there is
something wrong
in the truth

that my eyes
must adjust at all

I look into myself
The way I look down a well
I call into myself and
Hear miles worth of echoes
I drop a stone into myself
To see how far down I’ve fallen
I listen and wait to hear
The stone reach the bottom
Of all that I am
With each passing moment
The realization becomes
Evermore heavy
I am too far down to reach
No rope in the world
Should bring me back up

My hands were made
For unsettling skin
Beneath their flesh
I open wounds again
They think they've got scars
But they haven't been
Only poorly treated scabs

I like the place
Where our bones always meet
Like a ritual reunion
Between crowded sheets
And the stop and go
Of our sweet starving teeth
Gets me all weak in the knees

I'm cement to others
Yet clay in your hands
I'm afraid to sink
But I always find land
And I love the time
It's the space I can't stand
So I fill it with words just for you

What I give
Is yours to keep
That's why words come out
In my broken sleep
When you are near
I feel I can breathe
I'm not facing my nightmares alone

What feels so familiar
But appears to be new
Every lie you tell yourself
I keep looking through
Patiently waiting
While knowing what's true
What others run from
I want to run to

The sadness sets in
When you depart
With your stone linear features
And your soft haunted heart
You cannot end
What you do not start
This only makes it harder

You and I
Are one in the same
We know the worst kind of monsters
Have human names
Purgatory is not
Torture and pain
It is feeling no hurt at all

I see the same eyes
a father, a daughter
in one grows hatred
in the other, love fostered
I look to the Moon
and often I ponder
how could an angel
be made from a monster

I hold no more faith
In the demons I’ve faced
Or the ones that I’ve danced with,
It’s true

I’ve held on to my morals
In spite of our quarrels
And the darkness
That’s in me and you

I’m not the girl you want
But the woman you need
And I’m sorry
It makes you so blue

But I thought I should tell you
That if it compels you
I would do
What you wanted me to

I draw up conclusions
Built on these delusions
That perhaps
You could love me back

Could you please tell me
How to indulge you
I promise
I’m not all that bad

I can’t build a nest
With a heart made of stone
But I’m giving it
All that I have

And it may not be easy
To have a life with me
But I’d like to be
Your other half