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4.6k · Nov 2020
amanda
amanda Nov 2020
amanda
amand
aman
ama
am
i
allowed to admit
these letters
are losing meaning
everyday?
some days
i don't want to be me

some days i don't want
to be a person
amanda Jul 2020
i may have despised
for the longest time
that she was your sun

but you’re my moon

and i guess what
i’m trying to say is—

every one of my nights
would be darker
without her light
all over you
i wouldn’t have ryan
if ryan didn’t have courtney

she’s a hot and necessary evil
for my hot and brilliant
best friend
2.0k · Aug 2020
the night
amanda Aug 2020
i looked down
twenty three stories

tears in my eyes
legs shaking

every intention
of falling head first

you see— i was just so tired
of having to land
on my feet
so many people
are so tired
of having to be so strong
1.8k · Jan 2021
seven billion hearts
amanda Jan 2021
i wonder if
there’s ever been
a moment when
all seven billion hearts
beat in unison
i guess not

our boys wouldn’t
be afraid to cry
and
our girls wouldn’t
be afraid to try

we wouldn’t
be afraid
to let boys love boys
or let boys be girls

we’d all just be
seven billion
human hearts
1.6k · Oct 2020
still
amanda Oct 2020
if the world
ever stops turning

i hope you’re the one
i’m still with
1.3k · Jun 2020
orbit
amanda Jun 2020
i cannot
and will not
apologize
for loving him

i mean

you would never expect
the moon
to apologize
for being attracted
to the earth
but i can promise
i’ll never collide
with him at night

i’ll just keep orbiting
1.2k · Jun 2020
you are now in love
amanda Jun 2020
i got distracted
by your laugh

so, if there was a sign
at the border,
i missed it

all i know
is now i’m in a place
called love

and all the houses
look like you
1.1k · Mar 2021
forgery
amanda Mar 2021
i’m not happy

but i practiced forging
its signature
until no one could tell
the difference
890 · Nov 2020
terminal velocity
amanda Nov 2020
we hit terminal velocity

where we couldn’t


physically fall



any faster





and then we hit










the ground
i guess that was to be
expected
864 · Jan 2021
dark room
amanda Jan 2021
the room
you’ve found yourself in
is so dark,
you can’t see your
shaking hand in front
of your face

let alone my hand

in front of yours
all of my friends
are struggling right now

and none want my light
839 · Oct 2020
detox
amanda Oct 2020
her tongue stained
wine red,
her eyes even redder
from the high

injecting any toxin
she could find
into her body

to drown out the one
that felt like him
is this what they mean
when they say
retox to detox?
818 · Jul 2020
sky
amanda Jul 2020
sky
i’ve heard the sky
turns yellow
just before a hurricane

and i’ve seen many
a green tornado day

so then tell me, lili—

what is our purple-pink horizon
trying to tell us?
who knows what’s coming,
but whatever it is,
it would be pretty nice
if it came with you
781 · Jan 2021
odd
amanda Jan 2021
odd
i put you first

you put me third

or is it fifth?

i don’t know,
i just know
it’s odd
763 · Oct 2020
matter
amanda Oct 2020
my dear,
if all you are
is matter,
i don't know how
you could ever believe
you're not important
for all my humans
who are struggling
762 · Jun 2020
caricature
amanda Jun 2020
you have helped me
find a world in which
i don’t have to apologize
for my bold lines
for my goofy features
for my big personality

you have helped me celebrate
my exaggeration
to all of us goofy humans
who dare to be caricatures—
people have made livings
on the boardwalk
trying to capture our essence

to ryan—
you’ve done more
to help me love myself
than anyone i’ve ever met.
it’s no wonder i love you too
749 · Nov 2020
middle
amanda Nov 2020
you’re the middle
of a story
that will never end
let’s write the next
fifty-four chapters
together
746 · Oct 2020
chest
amanda Oct 2020
our life will be a series
of you
breaking my heart,
and then begging to glue it
back together—

the closest you can get
to putting your hands
on my chest
723 · Dec 2020
promise
amanda Dec 2020
your name
sounds like
a promise
to tell the truth
to hold my heart
to be with me
at eighty
722 · Dec 2020
time
amanda Dec 2020
i lay here beneath
the wall of clocks
you created for me

the sound
of their ticking in unison—

a deafening reminder
that you once
made time for me
but you don’t
anymore
712 · Oct 2020
line in the sand
amanda Oct 2020
we never crossed
the line that we drew in the sand

i just stood on my side,
staring at you on yours

and dropped my towel
i love that
you’ve seen me naked
702 · Oct 2020
tuesday
amanda Oct 2020
how do you expect us
to make it to eighty
when i don’t even know
that i’ll make it to tuesday?
this is getting too hard

watching you with her

watching you spend
your tuesdays together
646 · Jan 2021
necklace
amanda Jan 2021
i want you
to wear my legs
like a necklace
ryan, darling,
i want you
to eat me out

i want you
to hear that high pitch
squeal you know i make
625 · Jan 2021
probably digging
amanda Jan 2021
and i know
that if i’m ever at
rock bottom again,

you’ll be face down
in the dirt with me,

probably digging
for bones
i’m never gonna feel
alone again

not as long as
i’ve got you,
puppy boy
610 · Dec 2020
i didn’t want goodbye
amanda Dec 2020
if there was a word
other than
goodbye
that meant
choosing myself instead of you

i would have used it
i hate that this
is what i need
544 · Jul 2020
depression
amanda Jul 2020
there’s a select group of humans
who’ve learned
that it’s easier to bleed
than it is to feel
for the record—
i’m actually thriving
right now

but i remember how bad
it used to be
542 · Oct 2020
let me down
amanda Oct 2020
i keep wondering
if you’ll release me
from this painful love
i feel for you

—but then i realize—

you’ve never
let me down
before
537 · Jun 2020
significant other
amanda Jun 2020
i’ll always matter to you
but i’ll never be your person

i’ll always just be a
significant
other

...
just a gentle
play on words
532 · Oct 2020
his name is ryan
amanda Oct 2020
it would have
felt random
for them to tell me
his name is ryan
when the stars
exploded to make
my soulmate

but then i met that perfect
masterpiece of star stuff

and nothing felt random

not anymore
531 · Aug 2020
timetable
amanda Aug 2020
and just when i realize
that it’s been twelve minutes
since we last texted each other,
your name appears on my screen
as if i willed it into existence

it seems our hearts like to beat
on the same timetable
502 · Nov 2020
almost
amanda Nov 2020
i guess the thing
that hurt the most
wasn’t you choosing her

it was the way
you almost didn’t
i felt like you used me
as a distraction
when you two weren’t
doing well

and i was really angry at you
for a really long time
494 · Jul 2020
2 and 4am
amanda Jul 2020
2 and 4am
look the same

the unrelenting dark—
the fear that this night
won’t give light to day

2 and 4am
look the same

but 2 and 4am
are not the same
2 hours closer
to finding direction
in the east

just remember, my dear,
the sun has never
not come up

just. keep. spinning.
459 · Aug 2020
twisted up
amanda Aug 2020
our souls
keep trying to touch

but our bodies
seem to be in the way
*** means something
again
439 · Dec 2020
love of my life
amanda Dec 2020
just because you loved him
longer than the rest,
it doesn’t mean
he’s the love of your life

darling, that’s all you
~
i’m on my own now

and i like it this way
434 · Oct 2020
brand of magic
amanda Oct 2020
men have tried to hide her
in a box
and pull her out of a hat
on a whim

silly boys

submissive
isn’t her brand
of magic
419 · May 2020
what doesn’t drown you...
amanda May 2020
if you stop thrashing
for long enough,
i swear you can hear the ocean say

i’m trying to make you a swimmer

so that you have a reason
to come back

...
i often think life
is trying to **** me,
when in fact it’s just
making me strong enough
to stick around for
a really ******* long time

what doesn’t drown you
makes you a swimmer
415 · Jun 2020
pure
amanda Jun 2020
i have this tendency to believe
that i only become more broken
as i crash into more obstacles
in life and in love

but the river reminds me
that water only becomes more pure
with every rock that tries to stop it
you ever stop to think
that the things you’re
up against
are only making you
the purest form of you?
401 · Sep 2020
little pink canvas
amanda Sep 2020
there’s this little pink canvas
between my legs

come

paint your name
all over it,
won’t you?
396 · Jul 2020
u and i
amanda Jul 2020
there are twenty-four
letters in the alphabet
without u and i

but there are zero words
i want to spell
394 · Jan 2021
footnote
amanda Jan 2021
it’s okay if the unconditional
in your unconditional love
has a footnote

it’s okay if that footnote
demands you be loved
in return

it’s okay if your footnote
has a footnote

it’s okay if that footnote
admits you’ll settle for
unloved
unrequited
unconditional after all
he cannot and will not
ever love me—
i don’t think he knows
what to do with a woman
like me

i keep trying to convince
myself that it’s okay...
because it has to be
388 · Feb 2021
paid in full
amanda Feb 2021
i’ve always paid it forward

smiles and mercy
forgiveness and understanding

but making you feel crazy
for loving me
the way he made me feel
for loving him

that’s a debt you have
no business paying
the debt’s been paid

love me,
and i promise to let you
383 · Jan 2021
means to an end
amanda Jan 2021
i wasn’t your means

you’re not my end
when i think about
you using me
as a distraction from
your failing relationship

...well it’s the worst emotion
i’ve ever experienced
382 · Dec 2020
crucify
amanda Dec 2020
you gave me a crown
of thorns
and called me a queen

blood and mascara streaming
down the sides of my face

as i begged you
to put another nail
through my heart
i don’t romanticize
martyrdom
like i used to
368 · Nov 2020
minutes of life
amanda Nov 2020
i’m trying to count up
all the minutes of life
i’d have
if i hadn’t spent them
writing poems
about you

and that’s math even i can do
zero.

nothing makes me feel alive
quite like writing poetry
about you

none of those minutes
are ever wasted
368 · Jan 2021
two pounds
amanda Jan 2021
he loves me
the way i’ve always
wanted to be loved—

with his entire body

all two pounds of it
i brought home a puppy
this week

i named him whiskey

he named me mom

i’ve never been
so smitten
365 · Aug 2020
magic kind of lightning
amanda Aug 2020
you and i are electric

and maybe we’re that
magic kind of lightning
that never has to
touch the ground
362 · Nov 2020
what on earth
amanda Nov 2020
what on earth
we’re all doing here
on earth
is beyond me

but you aren’t—

you’re right here with me
358 · Dec 2020
friends for now
amanda Dec 2020
i was naive to promise
best friends for ever

can i interest you in
friends for now?
i’m still trying
to figure out who
this new you is

and if he has a place
in my future
358 · Sep 2020
sun / ryan
amanda Sep 2020
you don’t make my nights
any easier

but you make my days
happen
357 · Feb 2021
layover
amanda Feb 2021
i wasn’t asking to be
a one-way ticket
...but i refuse
i refuse
to be dallas
on your way to denver
if he calls you his
best friend
but would rather spend
all of his time
with his other friends—

you’re an idiot, girl

you’re not his best

you’re not even close

~i don’t need you, ryan~
~and i don’t want you, either~
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