amanda
amand
aman
ama
am
i
allowed to admit
these letters
are losing meaning
everyday?

i wonder if
there’s ever been
a moment when
all seven billion hearts
beat in unison

i’m not happy

but i practiced forging
its signature
until no one could tell
the difference

the room
you’ve found yourself in
is so dark,
you can’t see your
shaking hand in front
of your face

let alone my hand

in front of yours

i put you first

you put me third

or is it fifth?

i don’t know,
i just know
it’s odd

i want you
to wear my legs
like a necklace

and i know
that if i’m ever at
rock bottom again,

you’ll be face down
in the dirt with me,

probably digging
for bones

it’s okay if the unconditional
in your unconditional love
has a footnote

it’s okay if that footnote
demands you be loved
in return

it’s okay if your footnote
has a footnote

it’s okay if that footnote
admits you’ll settle for
unloved
unrequited
unconditional after all

you’ll start to wonder if
you ever made a noise
you’ll start to believe that
you never fell

because you were alone
in the woods that day
that you came crashing down

i think they were all
just too afraid to admit
that they were wandering
in the forest that day

i think it’s harder for them to admit
that they heard you fall

i think it's harder for them to admit
that they wanted to fall, too

i’ve always paid it forward

smiles and mercy
forgiveness and understanding

but making you feel crazy
for loving me
the way he made me feel
for loving him

that’s a debt you have
no business paying

i wasn’t asking to be
a one-way ticket
...but i refuse
i refuse
to be dallas
on your way to denver

i wasn’t your means

you’re not my end

he loves me
the way i’ve always
wanted to be loved—

with his entire body

all two pounds of it

she had the audacity
to create me
with her own existence

she had the audacity
to subject me to life
with the promise of her love

she had the audacity
to spend her life
putting conditions on her love

i had the audacity
to love in shades of pink
as well as blue

i had the audacity
to drink in shades of red
as well as white

i had the audacity
to live
as well as she created me to

i had the audacity
to destroy me
with my own existence

she had the audacity
to mourn a life she created
with the promise of her love

the audacity

there are no street signs
on this road we walk
hand in hand

passersby can’t identify us
at the corner of
friendship and forever

but i don’t mind

because here we are

if i didn’t wear a
best before friend,
maybe you’d give me
the same nonchalant love
you give the others

it’s worth the risk
of burning up—

the chance
to sit on the sun
and watch you
revolve around me
for a change

kneeling down here
in your audience

finding irony
in giving you a standing o
while you’re the one screaming
on your feet

champagne bottles
litter the rock bottom floor
of a woman
desperately wishing
for enough bubbles
to make her float

i thought loving you
in the third person
as the third person
was as pure as love got

but i was wrong

watching you love me
as i fell out of love with you

that is as pure as love gets

i’ve tried your name on
like a sundress,
played your laugh
like a 45

so tell me when it
became considered lawless
to love
like a pastime

i looked down
twenty three stories

tears in my eyes
legs shaking

every intention
of falling head first

you see— i was just so tired
of having to land
on my feet

there were days
you’d race the sun
to be my morning light

ever since you left
i’ve lived one
perpetual night

you’ve taught me
by example
how to resent
my own love

if you knew how to love

i like to think
you’d have loved me

she was
an odd kind
of suicidal

not manic
or depressive,
no—
she lived her days
to the fullest—
hopeful even

that each
would be her last

we hit terminal velocity

where we couldn’t


physically fall



any faster





and then we hit










the ground

i dreamt i was with her
the same way you
being with her
has haunted me
all these years

i dreamt i was with her

i dreamt i was with her
haunting you

you looked at me
with the same
cosmic adoration
you shared for the stars
and i found a new home
in your sky

i found irony
in the way zen
sounded like an insult
rolling off your tongue—

as if my resilience
absolved you
from ever stealing my zen—

from forcing me to be resilient
in the first place

if you can smile
as you pull the knife
out of your back
and choke down the blood
you coughed up,

does that mean you’ve grown
strong enough

or inhuman enough?

lying by myself in bed
lying to myself in bed

the silence of night
forcing me to listen
to the voice in my chest

you still do, amanda

you always will, amanda

you still love him, amanda

~

i sit on a pastel couch
with cabernet stained lips
looking at
black and white photographs
of women
who marched
who spoke
who cried
who fought
for me to live in color

colors they never got to see

if stars can fall
out of the sky

then maybe,
maybe so can i

maybe it’ll just
take more time

if the world
ever stops turning

i hope you’re the one
i’m still with

i may have despised
for the longest time
that she was your sun

but you’re my moon

and i guess what
i’m trying to say is—

every one of my nights
would be darker
without her light
all over you

i got distracted
by your laugh

so, if there was a sign
at the border,
i missed it

all i know
is now i’m in a place
called love

and all the houses
look like you

can you hear
my heartbeat
through black and white
photographs
of my chest?

does it remind you
you’re alive?

you make forever
seem less like a concept,
and more like
all the tuesdays

a baggy shirt
on tall, broad shoulders

****** hair
on tear stained cheeks

because she knew
how to act

she just...
she just didn’t know
how to be

if you stop thrashing
for long enough,
i swear you can hear the ocean say

i’m trying to make you a swimmer

so that you have a reason
to come back
...

i couldn’t tell
if it was my mind
or the world
or the heartbreak
or my expectations

but it all felt too big
everything felt too big

but you

you’re so small

the math
says my heart
has only been mine
for 8,993 days

so then tell me
how it’s been yours
for 8,994

we steeped
in hot emotions
for the better part
of two years

so oh good god
did we feel good
going down

but now

now we’re down

2 and 4am
look the same

the unrelenting dark—
the fear that this night
won’t give light to day

2 and 4am
look the same

but 2 and 4am
are not the same

i’ve heard the sky
turns yellow
just before a hurricane

and i’ve seen many
a green tornado day

so then tell me, lili—

what is our purple-pink horizon
trying to tell us?

my dear,
if all you are
is matter,
i don't know how
you could ever believe
you're not important

i cannot
and will not
apologize
for loving him

i mean

you would never expect
the moon
to apologize
for being attracted
to the earth

he carries bruises
on the right side of his chest
from the knife handles
he gladly takes
in order to hug the stabbed
among him

i’m intentionally
cruel to you
because of how
unintentional
i feel to you